Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Have you ever thought life is a luxury everyone can afford?

Ha, one of those moments when I do feel fine. There's no drama.
I dont feel thin, but thats ok. I dont feel excited about anything, but thats ok. I feel like crying, but thats ok. I feel like vomiting, but tahts ok. I feel alone, but thats ok. I feel useless, but thats ok.
Its ok. I am grateful for being aware of all this. It doesnt happen that often that I really feel anything, I usually throw it out into the toilet, whatever is happening in my body, before I recognize the feeling, but today, i am calm.
 I feel connected with my inner self. Its weak connection though, but thats ok. Its not deep, its not too alive, but I am aware of being on the planet at the moment. I am aware of my breathing. I hear myself breath. I am aware of my power. I am aware of trees outside and my dog beside me. I hear my voice. I hear my step. Its almost like Im counting my blessings. 

(written later)
went out, for a walk but cant walk my legs are aching, so went to my favorite spot, its a meadow surrounded by forest and mountains, a bit away from the chaos and I can tell also the air over there is totally different. I had my dog with, I played with her and after a while i set down  and I jsut existed. sun was warming my soul up and I was free. free from selfhate, free from struggles, free from people. my head was empty and my heart was opened. I closed my eyes and thanked life for the moment of now. nothing was important...no bulimia, no stress, no worries... nothing, just me and life. that simple. felt peaceful. I was peace. I thanked life for my boyfriend, send some prayers to the Universe for my african children, for my adopted boy and for children I work with..send some prayers for the world, asked for peace. Nothing else mattered.
Birds. Trees. Water. Air. Me. Life. All good. my life is good. I know it is. I have my mission in this life time, my soul has things to do, my life has a purpose, bulimia is piece of it. power of choice. choose to live good.
these days have been hearing a quote in my mind a lot, saying: "if you wanna be happy, BE!"  exactly. It is in your power.
My life is good. life itsself is good, life itsself is a luxury everyone can afford, no matter what the skin color is, or nationality, belief or religion... infront of the Universe we are all the same. we all got life as a bonus! its all the matter of the energy we send into the circulation...
LIFE.
LIFE aint just breathing, eating, sleeping, walking and working. life isnt about working at all, life is about accomplishing our blessing into beautiful mission. LIFE is NOW, NOW everything is just as perfect as it is suppose to be. Now, life is the nicest that can get in this moment. life indeed is a luxury, dont get another spoiled kids growing up with too much of everything-Respect and understand each moment that is given to you, it is given you with a reason. and understanding this, its winning a lottery.



Sunday, March 25, 2012

Bulimia having a sleepover

Prezivela sem prvi dan sama, brez nadzora in brez pripravljenga kosila... ful me je blo strah, ker to je bla idealna priloznost, da skozlam vse kar se mi nabira zadnje tedne...po tistem debelem petku me je blo se bolj strah, da se bom dejansko spravla na vikend postenje, pa sm se dobr sprickala z Egom. zjutri sm normalno pojedla svoj ze zelo dolgocasen zajtrk, 1:0 zame. dopoldne sm zabila pred racunalnikom, pisala program za otroke in gledala butaste filme, on 12.30 pa mi je ze zacel krult po zelodcu in slaba volja se je zgrnla name ko strela z jasnega... kosilo...hm... kosilo!! nisem si skuhala kosila ze 4 mesece, nevem kako to gre, da prevzamem odgovornost za svoje slabo pocutje po kosilu. zdj mi je blo super, ker mi je kuhala mami vsak dan, ko sem prsla iz sluzbe, me je cakalo kosilo, tko da mi za nc ni blo treba skrbet in se nisem obremenjevala s to hrano, prej pa na novi zelandiji fant. ko pojem kosilo, morm takoj hrano odstranit izpred svojih oci, ponavadi se mami pospravi za mano iz tega razloga (god bless moms!) in moje roke so ciste...ampak sama mislit na to, kaj bi jedla, kaj bom jedla, pripravit, se kregat z glasom v glavi naj spustim kosilo medtem ko rezem bucke in potem stat tam in mesat in vohat hrano in cakat, da bo ready..vec kot dovolj casa da me ta bulimija spravi na kolena. potem je to treba pojest in potem pospravit......namesto 15 minut opravka s hrano imam kar na enkrat uro in pol opravka s hrano. uceri sm si nardila mesano zelenjavo in kos kruha, in sem oblezala na kavcu za naslednje 3 ure s kamnom v zelodcu in s kregom v glavi zakaj hudica sama sebe spravljam v tak polozaj, mar nebi jedla in to je to. kosila mi postajajo cedalje tezja, tut ce mami kuha, zadnje dni me vedno sili na bruhanje in slaba vest me zre iz vseh strani, zakaj sem jedla!!! bulimija me je sprehajala od wcja do kavca od wcja do kavca ene 2 uri, ampak se nism pustila. vs cs sm mela v glavi "uciteljica si, nemores bit pokozlana!"  uspela sm. kotla sm se tut nazret sladkega, pa sm si vzela en jogurt in to je blo sele veselje. v hladilniku mam navaden jogurt in jogobelo. predno sm prsla do hladilnika sem vedla, da bom vzela jogobelo, sej bi rada neki sladkega, ko pa sm vidla navaden jogurt, se je fajt zacel...."jogobela je sam cukr, navadn jogurt vzemi!"   "ne nebom, ker hocm samo cukr!"   "ampak ce bos vzela jogobelo, bos mogla it kozlat!"   "ne pa ne bom, ker sem normalna! vredu je, ce pojem pac samo cukrast jogurt!"    " ne pa ni!! in nisi normalna!"   "ja pa je!"    "ne pa ni" ..... 20 minut, prisezem, okrog enega jebenega jogurta. no, nakoncu sm vzela jogobelo in se par jagod in sm se pobrala vn. zuni sm bla 3 ure, s prjatlom sva sla na sprehod, smejala sm se in kul mi je  blo, vesela sm bla, da sm pojedla jogobelo!!! ob 8h sm prsla domou in nism bla nc lacna, oziroma nism hotla bit lacna, pa mi spet bulimija rece "nc ni treba jest, zdj je ze 8 ura, spusti vecerjo, sej si jedla jogobelo!"    "ok!" recem in se grem umit. ko se vidim v ogledalu, si recem "ma a bos pustila tej prasici, da te tko zmanipulira. cas je za vecerjo in pika.!!" uuu samo res.  v tistem trenutku mi preklopi v glavi.... ok, ful sm hodila, zdj se lahko nazrem. lahko si dam duska, itak se nism ze dolgo.  bulimija me nagovarja, da nej se lotim konkretnega kuhanja, naj plezam po omarah in iscem, ce je kje kaj sladkega. najdem puding, in odlocim se, dda bom si skuhala puding. seveda mi je jasno, da ce to nardim, je po meni, ker puding je "puke trigger"  .. hitro nardim nacrt v glavi, da bom pojedla samo eno salcko, tolk ko rabim, ostalo bom pac vrgla stran...bulimia its a wast of foon anyway. kar dobro sledim navodilom iz glave, iskoriscam dejstvo, da sem sama in me noben ne ovira pri mojem masakru, nakar mi neki prebije, only god knows what that was, in si recem "ma dej pust vse to in pejt spat, utrujena si in v vaskem primeru bos padla dol zdj, ne seri s tem pudingom in futrom. go call your boyfriend!"  brez prepiranja pospravim vse, ugasnem luci in grem v sobo....
dans se zbudim in dojamem, kaksno zmago sem uceri prouzaprou osvojila.  cel,ampak res cel dan sm se kregala in borila in nakoncu k sreci vse skupi dobr izpeljala. jedla sem 4x, normalno, zdravo in dobro, prepricala sm svojo prjatlco bulimijo, da kljub temu, da starsev ni doma, ni treba da delava prizdarje, cmon thats soooo 17!! and am not 17.
zakon mi je filing, da mal obvladujem tole zadevo.
ceprou mam dans zeloooo posran dan, pocutim se tko left out in spet mam neke prebliske z ljudmi in sm dan zacela kot najgrsa in najgroznejsa oseba na svetu, s kero se itak noben noce druzit, ker sm fake in lame....well, i guess thats fight. i put up fight every freaking second, every moment of my day. no-one knows how does that feel...


Saturday, March 24, 2012

Eat, bitch, eat!

My stomach is gigantic!!!
It hurts!!! It hurts!!
Zajtrk ob 6am, manjsi kos kruha/kava, malica 9.30, jogurt, kosilo 1pm, meso, zenejava, krompir.............FIGHT!!!!! skor se pokozlam pred mami. prepricuje me, da sem pojedla res malo, vse skupaj en zrezcic in zlico krompirja...ampak men je grozno slabo, hrana se mi dvigne v grlo, vse skupi pozrem nazaj dol, zacnejo se mi potit roke, obcutek je, ko da zgubljam zavest...zavest se oza, vse okoli mene se zdi, kot da je zamrznlo...roke so postale ohlapne in faca napihnjena ko balon. nabira se mi slina v ustih, smrdi mi vonj po kosilu. tako rada bi sla bruhat. tako rada bi vrgla vso to hrano vn. samo zrem. vs cs samo zrem---
mami me gleda in ji ni jasno, od kje te ideje, ker bojda ne jem nic. ampak men se zdi, ko da sem od 10h do 1h jedla stirkrat. v mislih grem skozi celotno dopoldne in skusam se spomnit, ce sem se kje ustavila in kupila kako cokolado, bombone... ne, nic. cista sm. ampak....prepricana sem, da sem se basala cel dan.
nevemkaj naj nardim sama s sabo, zato spraskam cigaret star sto elt nekje v sobi, in grem ven. mami me prepricuje, naj grem ven na sonce, glava mi poka in najraj bi zakricala, da jst sonca NE maram!!!! men je totalno vseen a zuni sije sonce a je 30 stopinj al je toplo in kolk nenormalno je bit na tak soncen dan v hisi....jst vn ne grem!!!!!! zebe me. utrujena sem. glava je prazna. ulezem se na kavs, nevem kam grem, nisem na tem planetu. blackout. ko pridem nazaj, si nabasem skledo napolitank in si skuham kavo (FAIL) ... kombinacija za kozlat, ubitacna. se bolj me napihne in se bol mi je slabo. dve pesti arasidov za povrhu in en jogurt. cez dve uri pojem dva kosa kruha in pol hrenovke. ma ni neko hudo naziranje ampak jst sm cist konc zdj. moj zelodec ni navajen vec takih maratonov. komaj diham, sploh se ne morem sama seb gabit ker me vse stiska.
in zdj se tuki sama s sabo kregam, da nebom sla kozlat in da bom lepo vse prespala, jutr bo pa bolse. jutr je nov dan. ta vikend sm si izborila free free free, free from family, tko da bom lepo pocivala in si vzela mal casa zase, more pomagat. trebuh mam vecjii ko joske. ko bi le lahko zavrtela cas nazaj in nebi tolko jedla. oh my fucking god, how the hell did I surviv all those years over and over and over eating. If u eat that much your stomach hurts, ofcourse you'r gonna throw up. disgusting!!!!
ampak mi je jasno, kako hudicevo blizu je vs cas ta posast, samo caka, da bom kj zacutla in se nazrla in skozlala. zdravnica pravi, da nisem tolko casa bruhala, ker sem otopela in da je to huje od bulimije.
jebena hrana.
stirkrat na dan se morm soocit s to tegobo. in pere mi v glavi, totalno.  tko ko sm zadnjic jamrala, obcutek mam, da ma neki nadzor nad mojim zivljenjem. se borim vsak trenutek in se res prsilm, da iz sebe izvlecem maksimum. sploh ko se je treba oglasit na telefon, sm ratala ful bolj uporabna. ceprou sm zadnjic zamenjala stevilko in sm rabla en teden, da sem vsaj tistim ljudem, ki so mi blizu, poslala sms z novo stevilko, ker sem zavohala idealno priloznost, da ce zamenjam stevilko in nobenmu ne povem, me ziv bog ne bo mogu dobit na telefon....and I will be free!! IS THAT REAL FREEDOM??
rada bi zivela, popravla, kar sm zasrala, move on. let go.
 otroke ucim, da morjo bit samozavestni, odlocni, posteni, prijazni, odkriti, pogumni, vztrajni, kreativni, iznajldjivi, popustljivi.... da morjo verjet vase, da so najpomembneji in najlepsi, da semorjo smejat na glas, da morjo vs cs plesat, brat knjige... sama pa sm fail od faila.
no ok, plesem z njimi, pojem z njimi in se smejim na glas z njimi, ampak to okrog samozavesti in odlocnosti.. hmmm.
Delo z otroki zame ni sluzba, ampak je moj life style. nekaj, kar sem jaz in za kar se borim, nekaj, zaradi cesa se zdravim. Brez njih, me ni. ne obstajam. le oni razumejo mojo umetnost, mojo kreativnost, in jo cenijo....delo z njimi je edina stvar v zivljenju, ki mi gre.. pa vseeno vsak dan, predno stopim v razred, podvomim vase...kaj ce nisem dobra uciteljica? kako bi me otroci tretirali, ce bi vedeli za bulimijo? verjetno me nebi vec imeli radi. vem da otrokom ne morem razlagat teh stvari, halo, ampak zdi se mi, ko da sm nepostena do njim. hinavska. ucim jih o zivljenju. resujem zivljenja. razbujam jim strahove, spodbujam njihove sanje. dobesedno. ucim jih, da lahko dosezejo vse. vse, medtem ko sama obupujem oziroma se kopljem v lastnem dreku.
ok, outof context. ampak skusam mislit na lepe stvari, in lepe stvari so moji otroci. res me je za trenutek nehal bolet trebuh, pa evo ti ga boga, spet je kozlanje tukaj.
odkar sem dojela, da nocem bit psiho ucitlca z bulimijo, se mi je ful lazi borit z bruhanjem. ne morem si zamislt, kako bi jim v ponedeljek pogledala v oci. oni so moji pajdasi. oni se zgledujejo po meni. so moj copy paste .. dolgujem jim tako veliko!!! njim, in svojemu fantu, dolgujem zivljenje!

zakaj sem jedlaaaa?? v glavi vlada kaos. vojna. misli, kot so: dieta, post, bruhanjeeee.... toucejo naprej. hocjo preglast to moje sanjane o mojih vojakih otrocih. naj jim ne rata. dear universe, give me strength. am almost done with today. please.
te dni se z universom pogovarjam vec kot takrat, ko sva bla najbolsa prjatla!
mene je kr groza. tko nevem kaj nardit. ves ko mi srce nabija,, jaooo! zivcna sm. zivcna nism bla ze uuuu fak kr neki casa. ma ze kr neki casa jst nism bla nc. raztrgala bi se, srce bi si zruvala vn iz prsnega kosa.. a bi lahko jutr, samo jutr, mela post. da se mal scistim? al pa bom jutr si prvosla mal pohajkovanja po gozdu, verjetno bolj zdrava ideja*??

po glavi mi hodi un quote: "there is a difference between giving up and just stepping back." and yah, am not giving up, am just stepping back. am done with today!
da o glavobolu in vrocini ne govorim.

Im so tired. tired of living in glass.















 PS.
Dear body.
I am so so so sorry I ate so much today. I know I have caused big problem and you are feeling awful now because of my empty thinking. I didnt mean to make you feel that pain. I hope you can forgive me and I will help you feel better tomorrow. I promise I will take good care of you tomorrow. I will take you to the long hot bath, also will so some shaving and drink a lot of water. Will take you for a walk, in the forest. I know how much you love forest. I will treat you special all weekend long and will make a soup for lunc, also some salad. Wont have coffee in the afternoon and I will put a lot of cream on you. In fact, am gonna do it right now, so you get better rest than you would, if i just let you drop off now. Meet you in the bathroom.
with love, me .xx



Zapisano kasneje:
opravicila sem se svojemu telesu, sprejela dejstvo, da sem zajebala dans, umila sem se, popila veliko hladne vode, nahitro malo pospravila sobo in ugasnila luc. bomo vidli, ce bo moja taktika obrodila sadove.
jaooo kako me boli trebuh, ledvica, vse! pa ta podbradeeeeeeek! pa noge debele. ko sem vstala iz postelje, da sem sla v kopalnico, me je kr zrukalo, moja stegna so tut gigantska.
 

Friday, March 23, 2012

Misel, pride in gre. Utrinek.

Pocutm se, ko da nimam nadzora nad svojim zivljenjem. Kaj je sploh moje zivljenje? kaj pomeni Zivljenje? kaj pomeni biti ziv? kaj pomeni cutiti? kaj pomeni biti? kaj pomeni Ta trenutek?
zdi se mi, da nisem jst tista, ki kreira dobro ali slabo voljo, veselje ali zalost, upanje ali obup...obcutek mam, da je vse to v moci nekoga drugega. nimam vpliva. to mi gre na zivce. hocem nadzor, hocem obcutek!! hocem zavedanje: ZIVLJENJE!!! sama hocem proizvajat smeh, zato ker je to v moji moci, sama hocem prozvajal jok, zato ker me boli, sama hocem proizvajat entuziazem, zato ker sem ziva, sama hocem proizvajat upanje, zato ker diham.... hocem se otrest vseh, ki me blokirajo. Hocem se zavedat, da je moje zivljenje ima namen, smisel in sporocilo (al je to vse eno in isto lol) blo je obdobje v mojem zivljenju, eno debelo leto, ko sem mela stavri okrog zivljenja popolnoma popucane. vedla sem zakaj zivim, znala sem zivet, znala sem se pogovarjat, veselit, proslavljat zivljenje....bla sem konstantno zadeta od tega lajfa in vse je blo v barvah. zaupala sem si, zaupala sem vase, v svoje sposobnosti, da zivim pravilno. potem pa je prsu sistem in me posrku nazaj vase....osem urni delavnik, k se je vsak dan razvleku na 10 ur, zivljenje s sostanovalko...kompromisi.....some people call it compromise ... well i call it nu-necessery stress. ja, delat je treba pa druzt se je tut treba itak...ampak v skladu s svojim tempom, prepricanjem in potrebami. why die if u feel like living? why be caught if you feel like being free?? why quite if you feel like singing? why long face if u feel like laughing? because system wants you so?? well, system and i do have some serious issues.

vcasih sm tut znala prepoznat moment, kdaj se ustavit in zadihat.... blah, has been long time since I did it for a last time... mocno se trudim, da bi se prblizala tistemu sladkemu letu, ko sem se razvajala zivljenju, s svojim prepricanjem, s svojo vero, s svojim obcutkom.. in zto mislm,d a je zdj cs, da se ustavim in zadiham..whats next.
since rehab, life has been tough! pocutim se, ko da bosa hodim po makadamu, vcasih po crepinjah, vcasih po zerjavci...no, vmes sem tut ze na travo stopla in si spocila korak, ampak moje noge so zuljave in utrujene. nevem, kam vodi ta moja cesta...kaj me caka na koncu...mehak travnik poln marjetic al se bolj unicena zgubljena, kamnita potka?

will I soon take a wheel or will sink? utrujena sm. I just want my life back!!



Monday, March 19, 2012

Sit down and talk to God!

I wake up 5.30, welcome life, wash myself,take my antidepressant,  make myself a cup of coffee and small breakfast, talk to the light of my life, dress up, put my favorite perfume on, some make up, take a lunch box and late as every morning, I hurry into life. One hand on a wheel another in my purse checking if I took a phone. Once the phn is ticked, my hand goes straight to the radio and turn on some music.. tur u tu tu ... sing along loooooud!!!
After woody road I finally make it to the flat part of our beautiful nature, road is straight, sun shines strong, music plays, I put sunglasses on and say for the second time: "well hello life! nice to be with you!"
I take high way, slow down, move my car's ass to the slow-drivers track, turn the music down and say:
"hey universe. me again! you know, have things to say. Wanna thank you soooo much for my amazing boyfriend, wanna thank you for this warm sun shinning early in the morning. also wanna thank you for my breakfast and for feeling quite good this morning. Thank you for another day I 'll knock down and most of all, thank you for listening my every-morning prayers. you know, have been thinking, since we talk again, my life's much more pleased. I much happier. Its good to have you back in my life. Tho it will take some time to build same trust again, but hey, I know you never let me down, it was me. well, universe, I have couple of favors to ask. One is: could you make sure my angel has a stress-less day, and make him feel good about the way he is. Please, whisper in his ear I love him, and make him fall asleep with that feeling. I will give you something for return, just give me sign what you want. another favor is bigger and I never asked you anything like this before... but could you give me some strength for killing my bulimia? could you give me a sign, what to do, how to do the rehab without hurting people and without doing it wrong? could you give me a sign Im doing it good? If there's anything Im doing wrong, could you show me? please,. be gentle tho, Im not asking you to give me a waterfall of my mistakes, just those I need to get rid of it on my way to recovery. Also again, I am asking you to show me what do you want for return, I am sure we can make a good deal. I will come talk to you tomorrow again and tell you if I understood a message, but yah, until then, could you make me see one of those little things that make life so precious today? thank you. I know you will do everything I have just asked you for and you have my word I will do whatever you ask me for return. and yah, have I mentioned Thank you for TODAY!"
Then I shut up and send some prayers for people I love.
Soon, I turn the music on and sing even louder! my day goes well, all the time until afternoon, then I get tired and mostly grumpy.
Next morning, same story. Same good morning, same breakfast, same rush, same talk... only prayers are a bit different. often I ask the Universe to show me how to help the children I work with, I pray for those children and I ask him to make my boys in africa happy.

Universe and I havent been talking for quite long now, have been over a year, but he made first move and came talk to me again.
It is such a dear friend. I dont know how could I live without it? well, If i think well, I didn't live!!!
It really shows me every day one little thing that is so little most people dont see it, but it is so important for our meaningful life. One thing each day makes 7 things in a week and I am sure soon I will be able to see them all by myself, just like I used to do. And you know, those little things make me happy. Things like wind, rain, child's touch, child's voice and child's smile. My boyfriend being there for me, my mother making me lunch, my friend calling me for a walk, a stranger smiling, patting my dog, feeling cold, feeling warm, being surrounded by amazing big old trees, feeling happiness, feeling sadness, understanding someone others pain .... well, that's not the little thing anymore I assume thats advance.

 Today, sunday, I didnt follow my routine obviously, but I did set down and spoke to god. Today, i asked him to give some strength to my father. he needs it. It felt for the first time in my life, I forgave him!! I am done! I let it go! Forgiveness DOES feel liberating. I wonder, what was all that before I was sure it was forgiveness if only this today's feeling felt like it? I guess it doesnt really matter.
Nothing really matters, only love....all kinds of love!!

Thank you, God, for listening.
I grow. I understand. I don't fear.


PS: Thank you for giving me strength to face food for times a day!!!





Monday, March 12, 2012

I wanna be PERFECT!

Today I cried, vomited, binged, smiled, played, screamed... today I was up and I was down. I was hopeless and I was inspired. I was light and I was fire. I was empty.
Today I counted blessings today i whined.
I wondered: "What on the earth do I need more to be happy!"  the answer was clear: "I need to be smart, i need to be wise, I need to get beautiful. I need to be thin. I need to be cellulite-free, I need to be athletic, I need to be artist, I need to be talkative, i need to keep calm, I need to be innovative, I need to be brave, i need to be hopeful, I need to be inspiring, I need to sing well, I need to earn a lot of money, i need to have beautiful apartment, I need to have great and good paid job, I need to travel, I need to do yoga level advance, I need to have a rhythm in my body, I need to know all the songs by heart, I need to be educated, I need to have two diplomas, I need to work extra hours, I need to dress nice, I need to have loads of cloths, I need to be fashionable, I need to be healthy, I need to have shinny skin, I need to have nice butt, I need to have white smile, I need to have hair done, I need to do new things, I need to know a lot of people, I need to be known, I need to be nice, I need to be confidence, I need to be popular, I need to meditate, I need to go to Buddhist temple for couple of months, I need to have a sense of humor, I need to be uber successful, I need to be needed, I need to be respected, I need to be loved, I need to read two books a day, I need to keep the house the cleanest, I need to be on time, I need to be polite, I need to eat healthy, I need to avoid sugar,alcohol and drugs. I need to be honest, I need to do drama, I need to do ballet, I need to write books, I need to make people laugh, I need to cook the best, I need to have nails done, I need to shower twice a day, I need to save money,  I need to be bulimia free.... ~ I think I need to be PERFECT!

At the end of the day, lying in bed, tired and sleepy, I wonder: "how on the earth will I ever have all of this?"  "why I even wanna be perfect?"  "What is perfect?"

I dont believe PERFECT is a thing. I believe perfect is something we feel when everything in life goes hand in hand. But that is not a rule for me. I need to reach all those things above. HOW?
How to be perfect?

Writing the post, list goes on: I need to be handy, I need to creative, I need to be helpful, I need to swim, I need to run, I need to ride.....

I wanna be perfect. Perfect in all points of view. For anyone.

There is one thing missing on my "to be perfect list" .....  I need to be reasonable!

Does it even make any sense? I dont know. There is part of me trying to explain to this beast thats not how perfection goes,  and not all of these makes me happy for real, but he simply doesnt want to hearup.

Well, at this point I am falling a  sleep with the thought I wanna be perfect.

I dont understand: I so badly believe everything in life is just perfect the way it is, every movement, every step, every mistake, every bug, every field, every single person.................but when it comes to me, I fail. ("$%T&#!$/ERROR)
Also I know I need to change myself if I wanna change the world, I need to see things different, but hey, I cant. That makes me feel pain. Bolečina.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

(empty)

Prvic po kar lepem casu cutim, da bi se rada do neba in nazaj nazrla. Zalostna sem te dni, zelo sem zalostna. dobra novica je, da cutim nekaj, pac zalost, slaba pa, da takoj, ko se mi pojavi en obcutek, nevem kako ga shendlat in trenutno se borim z idejo, da bi se sla nazrt. sicer sm ze kr lepo zacela, z enim biskvitom k sm ga nardila uceri, in seveda bi sla rada bruhat zdj. dvomim, da bom zdrzala! ker si res zelim it kozlat in hocem spraznit ta obcutek krivde, da sme jedla. pa se zdi se mi, da mam kr neki za skozlat. niti ne vem, ce bi se rada borila dans se s tem. res je, da sm ze pozabla, kaksen je filing, ko sem bulemicna tako fizicno kot tudi psihicno,saj se je te dni vse bolj dogajalo v glavi. obcutek, ideja, da bi se nazrla je ista, kot je bla par mescev nazaj, pred tem zatisjem. ne mislim na nic drugega, kot na hrano. v glavi delam crstni red, kje bi zacela, kaj bi najprej pojedla, kaj potem in potem in potem...umes bi pa bruhla. zalostna sem. nevem kam spadam, nevem kam pripadam....and its not a freedom. dan se mi je zacel zlo bogo, sama z ocetom doma, ves napicen me je pricakal ze zjutraj, saj je pospravljel, z mano ni spregovoril niti besede, le pizdu me je v prazno. kaka negativa, sploh ne znam povedat, kaksno breme negative. pa zdj sm ze ok, ze znam vidt, da njegov lajf in njegova negativa nima veze z mano, ampak posrka me vase. neupam se premikat po hisi, ker mu grem na zivce kakorkoli se obrnem in kakrkoli naredim. dans me je kurcou, ko sem zalivala roze in sem vodo tocila v kopalnici, nima veze, da je kopalnica narejena tako, da je lahko mokra in da se jo z lahkoto scisti, sploh ce je samo voda.... mislim, da elementov nisem zmocila nic, on pa je komentiral, kako vse unicim in kako mora on pospravljat za nami in  tko, v tri dni, brez zacetka in konca, brez osnove. sedaj sem se ze naucila ignorirat tut take stvari, ce me doletijo v malih kolicinah. jutro sem prezivela ob njegovi dolgi, napiceni faci, cela hisa je kricala od negative. izogibala sem se ga, ampak tudi v sobi nisem imela miru pred negativnimi mislimi, ki so se mi zacele odvijat v glavi. od tega, da me ne mara, do tega, da sem res napaka, preko dejstva, da sem za vse kriva jst, da sm bedna in nicvredna hcerka. z mano se ni pogovarjal, jst e nisem pogovarjala nazaj. skusala sem sledit svojim urnikom, ko je bil cas za zajtrk, kosilo... ampak hrana ni imela okusa in kava s kosem kruha in marmelade zjutraj ni delovala (stranisce).... popoldan je prisla mami iz sluzbe, niti ona ni bila v olajsanje, saj je takoj padla v negativno centrifugo... ko sta prisla se brat in njegova punca, in ko se je oce do njiju obnasal normalno, sem zajokala. tako izobceno sem se pcutila. kot da sem na obsiku pri tujcih. mami me je vprasala, ce sem slabe volje, in rekla sem ji da ne, le da sem bila cel dan z atijem sama. nasmejala se je in se malo posalila na ta racun, in mi je pomagalo. vsaj nekdo, an moji strani. tudi z bratom se ne pogovarjam kadar ima ob sebi svojo punco, tako drugacen je z njo. to me prizadane, saj me njegova blizina zelo pogreje in mi pomeni veliko. ce ga imam pred ocmi in je med nama debela stena, sem zelo zalostna. in s to zalostjo zivim cel dan. seveda je to loaded gun za mojo bulimijo, ki bo vsak cas zacela streljat!! ni mi za jokat, ampak osamljena sem. vem da nisem, ker me na drugi strani klicejo ljudje in mi pravijo, da me imajo radi, ampak moje zivljenje ne seze cez te stene. mojega zivljenja ni tam zunaj. I need some space. yah, in a language of normal people, that probably has a word: own apartment. jutri grem na en ogled, mislim da zadnji. obcutek imam, da sem nasla stanovanje zase. in nekje deep down me daje ta ideja, da bo spet life in town. komaj cakam. pa ne da bi hotla bezat od kogar koli, ampak moram se zbudit. psihiatrinja me strasi, da gre za zivljenje.  da se moram odselt na silo, saj je ogrozeno moje zivljenje. zdravje me se vedno prehiteva, in moj rehab bolezni ne sledi. verjetno ima prav, in se tega ne zavedam. pravi, da bom, sele ko bom ponovno na svojem, videla, kaj se mi dogaja trenutno. pravi, da lahko umrem. to mi pravijo vsi zdravniki, ampak prvic to slisim, odkar sem na zdravljenju. nazadnje sem to slisala pred zdravljenjem "ce se ne zacnes zdravit, nimas pred sabo vec kot pet let."

[words that should be said, but not ready yet]


pogresam fanta, te dni je s frendi na srfaju, ma mu hocem dat mir pa ga niti ne klicem, ampak dans bi mi res prou prsou njegov obraz, tisti obraz, ki me spomni na to, da ni vse tako grozno, ceprav se mi to zdi. no ja, bom se sama soocla s tem, konc koncev lahko svoj rehab dvignem na level 3: face the negativity and go beyond.
se vedno me tisci v zelodcu, hrana se mi dviguje po grlu navzgor... to je eden bolj ogabnih obcutkov pri bulimiji. ma ne,pa nocem it bruhat, ker sem si obljubila, da zaradi druzine ne bom vec kozlat hodila, saj je ravno to point. ni mi jasno, zakaj jih ne morem spremenit. zakaj jih niti moja bolezen ne spremeni, ali je res tako nepomembna? sem res tako nepomembna?
te dni se mi tudi porajajo misli kot so :"you can only survive in this freaky world if u fake a smile and say Im fine" no-one cares how you really feel. if one asks you "how are you" and you say "im doing awful" they reply to you  "oh so cool"  they dont really listen to you!! well, there are those, who I call beloved ones.


[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]
[words that should be said, but not ready yet]



Friday, March 9, 2012

Dear self, we need to talk!

Where's life?
Where's energy?
Where's power?
Where's life?
Where's a dare?
Cmon, you behave like you are 50 yrs dead already!!
Where's youth spirit? Where's creativity? where's joy? where's inspiration? where's motivation? where's action?
Dead body, you are!
I ask you a question- DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND MOMENTS LIKE THEY DONT MATTER?
Do you?
Think carefully!

Where's that girl that used to be in your body? what happened to her? she lived!! She exactly knew whay she is on the earth and what she wants. she spread love, joy and generosity. she was loud and energetic. most of all, she was fearless!!! she believed we don't have problems, we only have obstacles... theres only little trail left so wake up! you win or you lose!!!

I want to be the girl I used to be. unique!!! didnt care about system. didnt care what people think!
damn you damn you damn you mom and dad for trying so freaking hard to teach me people are bad, be careful, not naive, normal, working girl.... thats not me!!! am an artist!!! i do art. i write i create. i travel. i talk. i teach. i inspire i learn. I try. I fail. i laugh. i care. I help. I dance. I believe. I have faith. I AM NOT A SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!

I want that power back!! somewhere ont he way someone and something realized am living my own way,  so tried to pull me back to the system space!
Fuck it, I am leaving it NOW!! this moment.
coz this moment I realized, I ve been kidnapped by the system!!! terrorists!!!!! Im breaking the freedom again! NO MATTER WHAT WILL IT COST ME. It cant be worse than now.

Bitches. took my freedom! Its such a relieve to have this feeling. to see with my eyes what has been happening to me and I AM REFUSING being a hostage. Fuck you all. I am finally waking up!!!!

System teaches us we do things wrong, we look awful, we better not to dare be different.
I am fine the way i wear clothes. I am fine the way I am different. but system is not fine with it so it wanted to bring me down. JOK BRATE, ODPADE!!!
sestra se probudila!!

I am afraid of my own self. I am my worst enemy. I am doing wrong.
I will not be afraid of who I am anymore.

So, dear self.
Do you agree we escape out of this jail?
We fight for our freedom? we fight for our rights?
Dear Self, please!! I need you!! Wake up!! Dont let me down!! We totally can do it, but we need to focus!!
We need to get brave!!


Dear me!
I thought of what you said a lot and I must say you arent such a jerk after all.
You surprised me with that big plan but I must be honest and say, also I suffer caught in this fucking system.
So yes, lets catch up and make a plan.
I am completely ready to set free again.
Much love,
self.


It wont be easy i suppose but probably way easier than surviving every day here, in this stinky whole.
I am ready to go back on a track, continue walking my own path and I no matter what it takes.Breaking fear. Drying tears!!! Stopping selfhate. Dont tkow when, but i know I am getting there soon.
I am me.

Here I am, waking up!
Here I am, fighting for my life!
Here I am, writing my story.

 Me and Self.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

2.03

2.03 ponoci

Zbudi me grozno glasen glas: "Ustani, praisca, a misls da bos kr spala. Ne zasluzis si pocitka. Gremo, debeluh grduh!!"
Zmedena se zbudim in skoraj pomirjena sem, ko ugotovim, da mi spet najeda Ego. Recem mu "ma model odjebi, ura je dve ponoci!"  --- (Rule No 1: never fight with Ego in the middle of the night, it always wins)

Rabim nekaj casa, da se pomirim od dretja, ampak to sem sedaj ze spraksala.... grem na trznico s pomarancami :D Sanjski vonj pomaranc, kupi pomaranc in veseli ljudje. Sicer je vedno vse tiho, ampak vem, da me prevzame vonj in moc oranzne barve. Tudi vceraj sem sla na trznico in res je delovalo nekaj minut, nakar nekdo tako grozno zakrici name, da zakricim in se ponocno zbudim. Srce mi nabija tokrat veliko mocneje in tresem se. Zazebe me in zvijam se pod odejo, skusam se segreti. Luc pustim prizgano, ker me postaja cedalje bolj strah. Tokrat ostanem tiho, nic ne pisnem nazaj (Rule No 2: Never let Ego simply eat you, fight back!)
Res sem kot otrok. Zaprem oci in v temi me caka jezen Ego "Kako si neumna, a kr misls da se me bos tko znebila. Dans te caka konec. Dvakrat si jedla vecejo. Slabic Slabic!! Ti si res neumna, k da ne mores dojet, da si bajsasta in ti se kr jes." Njegovega glasu ne znam opisat, ampak je hrapav, mocan in odmeva. Kot star moski glas v velikem praznem prostoru. Uporabljam vse naucene tehnike pomirjanja--stejem, pojem, preusmerjam misli.... nimam sans prot njemu. Tko je ko da bi mi nekgo zaviju vrat, in pritisk je edalje vecji. Mantram v glavi pa me vedno premaga ;"ma nehi s tem sranjem, poslusi me zdj!! to je za tebe konec. Dans si sla cez vse meje. Jedla si juho ob sestih in sendvic ob osmih. takih napak sm ti ze reku,da ne bom prenasu. Sparvi se iz postle in pejt v goz. Imas dve potki, in pazi, da nebos hodila po potki. Ti mors it naravnost gor v hrib in na vrhu te spet ppocakam."  Ubogam ga...v polspanju.  V pizami, bosa, grem v gozd. Bolj ko se priblizujem, bolj smrdi po gnilem. Ljudje, ki jih srecam, so zelo socutni do mene, verjetno ker vejo, kaj me caka. Hodim pocasi, saj me zbadajo iglice in kamenje. Tik pod vrhom hriba mi zaradi smradu postane slabo. Cutim toplino, ogenj. in smrad. neznosen smrad po gnilem. Nic mi ni jasno in pocasi se povzpnem na vrh. groza. se danes me je groza, ko se spomnim na obcutek, ki sem ga imela tam na vrhu. V hribu je bila jama, kjer so kurili mrtva telesa, gresnike. vse rastline ob ognju so zgnile in smrdele za kozlat. Slisala sem ljudi, kako kricijo in jokajo, saj se sezigajo zivi. Vse okrog mene je ctno (temen gozd) in zarec oranzno rdec ogenj (mogoce so krive pomarance^) jaz sem v beli srajici/pizami, bosa. na moji desni je stara gospa, stara kot zemlja, verjetno smrt. na levi me caka Ego. Rece mi, da je to moj konec, ker sem pojedla dve vecerji. Jokam se! nocem umret. tresem se.
Mimo prisenta Dr House (??!?!?"="(()%Z!/T%/() in rece "you arent dying. go home, you just have bulimia" ampak ego me ne pusti, pravi, da moje zivljenje ni film, in me pahne v ogenj.

Vrze me iz postelje, vsa sem objokana in premocena, res komaj diham, srce mi nabija in zelodec mi mece ven. stokam naglas, "neeeeee!!!!! nehi!!" praskam se po obrazu inpo telesu, hvala bogu za puder.
Stecem na wc in vse skupi vrzem vn. umivam se s hladno vodo in pou k. mi ni nic jasno.
Grem nazaj v sobo, se preoblecem in se ulezem nazaj v posteljo. ne premikam se, ker me je strah.
mislim da okrog 6h vseeno padem dol, ob 8h se kot zombi privlecem v kuhinjo, ker v sobi ne upam bit sama. po ponovnem poskusu prebujanja, tokrat v veliko mirnejsi obliki, a se vedno z dretjem in kricanjem "a se si tu, prasica!" cutim, kako me nekaj pece po obrazu, v predelu oci. ko me zagleda mami, prvo opazi moje praske po obrazu......recem ji "tezka noc!"

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Depresija.

Draga moja depresija.
Kako lepo mi je, ko si spet z mano. Super mi je, ko me zabubis v kot, medtem ko se zunaj dogaja veliko stvari. Super mi je, ko poskrbis, da se mi nic ne da, medtem ko zunaj sije sonce. Res nebi ti mogla biti bolj hvalezna, da me delas otopelo, saj nevem kaj bi z vsemi custvi. Hvala, ker me pripravis do tega, da zapravljam denar, kljub temu, da sem broke, za to ti res hvala. Hvala ti, da se vsakic potrudis, da ignoriram svet, ko se kaj lepega zgodi. Res mi je super, ko me naredis prazno in ko mi je vseeno za vse. joj, moje zivljenje brez tebe bi bilo tako barvasto in glasno, bog ne daj da me kdaj zapustis, veselja nebi prenesla. res si predana.
Hvala ti za vse neprespane noci, tako imam cas se podruzit malo s tem zabitim egom, aja pa hvala ti za vse glavobile in bolecine v misicah. vem, da se zelo trudis, da mi vzames apetit, za kar ti tisockrat hvala, saj tako nikoli nebom premagala motenj hranjenja. Hvala, ker me izoliras od drugih, social life really sux.


                                                                                      Iz objave v objavo bolj jamram, ma ni konca. Pa vedno se nekaj spomnim. Zadnjic naprimer, sem sla na ogled enega stanovanja, super top, ugodna cena, moja najljubsa lokacija, good landlord in koncno bi lahko zivela v mandsardi, ker sem si vedno predstavljala rno lepo masnardno stanovanje....a moja glava mi rece: "pf, kdo bo pa hodil po teh stopnicah z vsemi skatlami. Ne. tega stanovanja ne bos imela!" in tako ostanem brez stanovanja - SPET!! Vse sem skenslala na isti nacin, in po kakih 10ih neuspelih poskusih mi se vedno ni potegnlo, da to jamranje nima veze s sedanjostjo. Ko sem po stirih tednih neuspele selitve pri zdravnici vsa potrta, me dobesedno krega, da naj se ze odselim, ker potrebujem zdravo okolje. pove mi, da sem ze padla v depresijo, in da je le ta lahko tokrat zame usonda. O depresiji me je opozorila ze na prejsnjih dveh srecanjih. Povedala mi je, da pocasi padam v to stanje, in da je potrebno ukrepati, saj bom drugace kmalu pregloboko, in se bom nehala borit, prav tako pa bom obupala nad zdravljenjem. Tako prekleto prav ima. Zadnjih nekaj srecanj se  uspem spravit k njej samo zaradi strahu, da ce bi enkrat odpovedala, me nikoli vec ne bo nazaj. IN verjetno nekje deep down vseeno hocem nadaljevat z zdravljenjem. grozno mi je, ko me hoce zbudit, pove mi,da niti ne vem, kaj se dogaja trenutno, in da moram stvari naredit dobesedno na silo, saj drugace v takem stanju ne bom nikoli dobila stanovanja, saj mi nobeno ne bo vsec. Ugotovila sem, da stanovanja ne iscem jaz, ampak ga skozi mene iscejo moji starsi. stanovanje mora biti popolno, da bodo lako prisli na obisk in bo urejeno, prenovljeno, novo, udobmo, veliko, ugodno, poceni, z lepim razgledom, super lokacijo in lepo kopalnico...kaj pa vem kaj vse iscem z omejenim bađetom. pa jst sm res cigo k si nardi domek ne glede na modernost/kvaliteto stanovanja, nikol nism imela teh tezav, ampak gremo se jeben perfekcionizem zakaj pa ne, its so much fun, it ruins your life easily.
No, pa se vedno nimam stanovanja. skatle imam se vedno nerazpakirane in cakam trenutek, ko se mi bo veselje vrnlo in se bom pobrala dekorirat eno drugo lukno. mi zdravnica pravi, da tako ne smem razmisljat,saj bom tako vedno ostala doma. doma hocejo, da ostanem doma,seveda, ampak jst  rabim svoj kreativen prostor, ce ne ustvarjam, ne zivim, in tukaj pac ne ustvarjam.
Prisezem,da nevem kaj se je zgodilo v enem mesecu, ene stvari se ne spomnim, ne morem treh dogodkov uredit kronolosko. Tema, black out. se sicer tokratnja depresija razlikuje od tistih, ki sem jih navajena, skupaj z bulimijo, saj te dni le otopelo obstajam, se bruham ne. NI tega naziranja-kozlanja kompleksa vkljucenega. AMpak glava pa dela drek. Se vedno sem najbolj zabita, retardirana oseba na planetu, nesposobna nardit karkoli, neumna sem. Nimam stila in dolgocasna sem. Nisem drzna in bedna sem. Nisem vredna zivljenja, nisem vredna pomoci in prijateljstva. Nisem pametna. Zaostala sem..... take ideje se mi pletejo po glavi, ko 15letnici. ponoci spet ne spim, zbujam se in premlevam, brez osnove, brez ucinka, premlevam in premetavam besede v glavi. to je to. Potem vstanem in grem v sluzbo. ce nebi imela te popolne sluzbe, bi pogorela totalno. polovicen delovni cas je top v moji kondiciji in me prpravi do tega, da ostanem vsaj v mickenem stiku z odgovornostjo/realnostjo. 


Enkrat bom samo eksplodirala. tega me je tko strah. I walked that road already, never ended up alright.  Vedno se konca tko, da mi v eno tocki prebije, in na vsak nacin hocem neki cutit,  ampak ker sem ze konkretno pregloboko, in ne morem vec obladat scene, se spravim nazirat in kozlat, da cutim svojo kozo, svoj obraz, svoje noge, telo, roke...strah me je. v glavi. spet nic se ne dogaja v telesu. Strah, je samo beseda in ne custvo. Nebi se dobro koncalo, ce bi bilo cutvo.
Niti se ne upam pogledat v ogledalo, bog ne daj da bi se poglobila v tisto podobo tam notr. 

Mogoce je kriv samo februar. nikoli ni bil meni ljub mesec, pa se bom jutri zbudila, in zivela. vedno mi po glavi hodijo eminemove besede iz mockingbird komada "maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all jbe just a dream!"  

ne hodim vn, ne srecujem ljudi, ne cutim nicesar. mimo mene gre vse, otopel sem. hladno je. ni glasu. tisina. 

Pogresam svoje afriske otroke, svojega otroka v afriki, svojega fanta na novi zelandiji....aaaaaaaa!!! aaaaaaaaa!! AAAA!!!! 
Nevem, odkje ideja, da bi nehala z zdravljenjem. Vsak dan si naredim nacrt, kako bom nehala z zdravljenjem, prsparala ogromno denarja in zivela kot mi je pac namenjeno. Za vsaka stvar, ki me razjezi, grem spat, al pa grem pod tus, da pozabim na to. 
Nocem sprejemat nobenih odlocitev in nocem bit za nic odgovorna.
se v sanjah, ko kupujem karto za novo zelandijo in me zenska vprasa, od kdaj do kdaj, recem da mi je vseeno, samo da je vec od petih tednov. Naj se sama odloci in naj mi natisne karto. 
Tko kot sem ze rekla, ne upam si vzet minute vec casa zase, da se mi ni treba soocit z debelim telesom in z deljstvom, da je slo spet 10 dni okrog pa se niti taknla nism yoga mata. mi bi se zmesal. 
Guilt guilt guilt...guilt is my name! so i better ignore it and not feeling anything, its safer.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Pusti solzi da tece

Vsaka objava se zacne isto...odkar sem v sloveniji, nevem kaj se dogaja. odkar sem v sloveniji, sem drugacna. odkar sem v sloveniji, se bojim. in tudi to bom zacela tako: odkar sem v sloveniji, sem brezbrizen robot.
Karkoli se dogaja, zgodi, ignoriram. Trudim se na vso moc, da bi ignorirala bolecino, zmedo. Vcasih zaboli, oci se mi napolnijo s solzami, pa si ne dovolim zajokat. Obraz je mrk in celo telo se bori proti joku in soocenju s tistim nevem kaksnim custvom. Nevem, a se hocem tko zascitit? Verjetno se skusam zascitit pred okoljem, in to naredim z ognoriranjem vsega, in vsak tak poskus me odpihne kilometre stran od sedanjega, realnega trenutka. Moj mind je totalno zozan skoraj na minimum. Mislim, da sem prestopila mejo pri ignoriranju in ignoriram kar vse pov rsti. Custva, ljudi, sonce, dez, mraz, bolecino, lakoto, strah...just wanna erase everythiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!! vsaka malenkost, ki se skusa prebudit v meni, jo ignoriram. nima sans!! Nicesar ne slisim. Nevem, kaj mi ljudje govorijo. Res nevem. Moji mozgani NE funkcionirajo. Blank. Tema. Res, ne hecam se. Jst nimam koncentracije 5 minut za eno stvar, se ko ta blog pisem skacem sem in tja po netu. Dvostopenjskih ukazov ne jebem pet posto. vse gre mim mene. pa sej vem da to jamram ze nekaj dni, ampak je vask dan huje. Hudo mi je predvsem za ljudi, ki me klicejo, mi pisejo, pa jim ne odgovarjam, meni je to tako naporno, tako obremenjujoce. najraj bi vidla, da mi noben nebi pisou in me klicou, ampak da bi me imel se vedno radi, za kasneje, ko se pozdravim. T mi je grozno hudo. Vsakic ko slisim telefon zvonit se mi mesa. Se huje je, ce vidim neodgovorjen klic. Smsi so ze dolgo ignorirani. Nazaj ne poklicem, nikoli. Tudi do hrane sem precej ignorantska. mislim nimam nobenega anoreksicnega razmisljanja ampak razumem idejo anoreksije seda, kolikor sem se jo imela priloznost spoznat od prijateljic anoreksicark. Vedno smo si bile tako razlicne, me, z bulimijo, polne potlacenih, nepojasnjenih custev, miljon besed medtem ko so na drugi strani punce z anoreksijo, ki so bolj ko ne mirno sedele in opazovale, poslusale in veckrat so omenile, da ne jejo ker je to super ker jim ni treba se z nicemer spopadat. in ta del razumem. jst se se vedno drzim kosila ob 2h ampak dans sm pojedla za 2 prsta debel kos francoske strucke. sicer sem za zajtrk pojedla kos kruha z marmelado ampak umes sem ves cas delala. nevem, se za to hrano mi je vseen. dam neki malega v zelodec in mi je kul, da se mi ni treba ubadat s polnim zelodcem. poln zelodec so custva. takrat vedno sledi praznjenje. ko bi jst razumela ta skomppleks custev, ki ghredo po nasem telesu. Samo pazim, da si nebom nalozila prevec za prebavit, ker pol mecem ven in to je to. nimam kj za bruhat.
Dans mi je ena gospa dala zelo boleco opazko, k mi je zatemnila svet pred ocmi in se se zdj ne morem pobrat. Me je vprasala, kolk tehtam. da se ji zdi, da sem bla ze bolj suha.
Trikrat sem rekla "KAJ?" ker nisem mogla verjet, da me to sprasuje. nardiu se mi je cmok v grlu in samo spustila sem telefon iz rok. cist sm bla mehka. jezna. zalostna. uzaljena. ja, 10 sekund sem cutila, potem pa sem se ugasnila. OFF. in rekla:"ja, zredila sem se!" pika. in jo ignorirala, ceprav sem jo srecevala se 5 naslednjih ur. nisem je sovrazila in nisem ji hotla skopat oci vn in jo porint iz lestve, res ne. ampak nisem hotla jest vecerje, ker sem debela. in potem sem delala popois v glavi, kolk sladkarije sem pojedla v preteklih 14 dneh. res nisem pojedla prakticno nic, ampak me je ta glas v glavi zacel kregat za tiste krofe, kar sem jih pojedla, pa mislm da sm v celem pustnem casu pojedla 3 krofe.

V osnutkih se mi je nabral ze kar nekaj neobjalvjenih postov, med njimi tut en zacetek... osnutek moje depresije. Nevem al je stvar depresivnega obdobja al kaj, ampak zdi se mi tko butast objavljat poste, samo pisat grem, ker me mucijo stvari, pol se mi pa zdi, da folk samo caka, da kj tazga napisem, da bom koga prizadela. In men se res ne da ubadat z nobenmu zdj. moj fant je reku, da nej pisem blog naprej in objavljam poste, ignoriram dejstvo,da to bere vec ljudi, saj to je namen bloga, pa si ze recem, da bom to nardila, pol pa nimam jajc. prevec mam za pojamrat ocitno.
 Zgubila sm se,  nevem za koga pisem, za folk al zase, Naj bi zase. In nikol si nebi misla, da bo kdo bral moje besede, zdj pa vem, da je kar nekaj ljudi, ki spremlja moj blog, in mi je tko cudno, ko da gola hodim po svetu. joj kako si jst zelim imet stvari v glavi poslihtane.

V teh dneh, ko je depresija prsla spet mal naokrog in nikakor ne zgleda, da bo kam sla v kratkem.
Dogaja se mi tolk, da se zivemu cloveku ne more tolk zgodit v enem dnevu. En teden ima obcutek sestih mesecev. Vsi napredki pri zdravljenju me mecejo za mesece naprej, vsa spoznanja o ljudeh in zivljenju me "starajo" ... ni mi hudga pomoje iz tega vidika, da mi gre nasplosno zdravljenje dobro in da bom nekega dne bulimia free, in bom imela to izkusnjo s sabo.
Strah me je, akj ce bom padla nazaj kdaj. No, na to pac ne racunam, zato pa placuje zdj denarje velike da se res pozdravim.
bedna sm, nc se mi ne da,  komi se stusiram, pa se to ne vsak dan.
Trudim se jest, zdj sm prsla na 4 obroke na dan, piskaste da bog pomagi ampak evo, na stiri ure. Jem vse, razen 70% hrane k mi je asociacija na kozlanje. To pomaga. sicer sm se ravno dans spomnla, da se ne spomnem, kdaj sm pojedla kj zelenjave in sem si za jutri za malico kupila papriko in korenje in mandlje.

Depresion, let me cry. Let me feel. Let me care.
Welcome, depression.