Thursday, June 21, 2012

Tired.

Im so tired of my condition, of bulimia, trying to run my life and make me fight every single minute.
I learned couple of tricks to control it, but most of them only deepen my obsession with food and with wanting to lose 20 kg, NOW!
This moment.
I hate the way I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way I walk and talk. I hate my body and I hate my full stomach. I need to keep my stomach as empty as possible, otherwise there come troubles.
I took mirrors off the wall and I dont wash my teeth in the bathroom anymore, because everytime I see my self I get reminded how awful I am.
I am tired of being so confused, not knowing who I am and where I belong. Tired of not really knowing what I want and of not seeing my future as bride as I hope it will be.
Tired of doubting, tired of fear, tired of tears.
Tired of not feeling my life, my self and my body. Tired of fighting and tired of facing food.
Tired of not accepting compliments, tired of not seeing how much people care of me and tired of not seeing all the respect I get.
I believe, if only I could lose those 20 kg, everything would be different, or if not slimming down, I am sure if only i could smile differently, everything would be better. Or if only I could change my ugly feet, life would all of a sudden get nicer.
School is over, and I dont have a safe place to go everyday. I feel naked.
I only felt good at work, with children around and with those nice people around.
School is where I belong to.
There, I can hear up the compliments, I feel good about my work and I accept love from my children.
Everything is just the way it should be.
As soon as I leave that place, I dont know who I am anymore.
I am lost and confused.
I mind my weight, I mind my look and I mind my ugly face.
I dont see anything, I dont feel love and I dont feel how good I am out here. Its not safe.
I am tired of my sick miind telling me all those stupid things, tired of feeling less than others, tired of rough society.
Tired of slovenia, just wanna take of and move to new zealand or even better to africa. I cannot be happy if I dont go to africa soon.
My heart is breaking.
my body is breaking.
My mind is breaking.
I am tired of carrying all this burden! I need to take a rest, rest from everything and everyone.
I dont understand my emotions, I dont understand my love.
Everything that I love the most is so far away from me.
So far away.

My doctor says I should take time, 20 mins a day, to go into my emotions, go deep and listen up what my body is trying to tell me. but thats painful! i cant do it.
It hurts. Its easier to avoid the situations which make me wanna puke.
But she says, Thats the only way I will really get over.
I dont know how I feel about my family, about my friends and people I know.
Everywhere I go, I would lie if I say anything else, but people love me. they are happy to see me, they love me and believe I am a special woman, thats what they say, thats what they tellme.
But I end up crying and hating myself no matter what..

how long?

 

Monday, June 11, 2012

I hate new age!


just an angry thought: What if my body size is normal and all skinny is mental? What if a little bit of fat on my booty and my stomach looks nicer that bones and skin?



Na zivce mi gre, ko gledam TV, film al pa reklame, povsod samo neka lepa telesa, brez celulitka in spehca, pa je lahko rekalma za paprike al pa za kopalke, bejbe vse ustrezajo nekim standardom. vse glasbenice so shujsane, ce niso prsle suhe na sceno, se shujsajo v roku parih mescev. Igralci vse suhi. Vsi so suhi. Cel svet je suh.
Zadnje case delam dneven popis suhega prebivalstva in dognala sm, da je vecina zensk okrog mene suhih ali presusenih. Povsod samo reklame za skujsevalne cudezne tablete, napitke, caje. Vsako jutro na radiu poslusam nagovor prebivalstvu: "gremo shujsat, poletje je tu!" fuck off! Nemorem odpret neta da nebi naletela na ad o hujsanju! hujsajmo hujsajmo hujsajmo!!!!
Na zivce mi gre, da je nek fashen preplavu clovestvo, brez vsebine, brez sporocila. Na zivce mi gre ta sistem, brez topline in brez osebnosti. Na zivce mi grejo vsi ti prazni ljudje.
Ja, tega ne bom spremenila, zato na bi bojda spremenila sebe. Ja, morm se spravt k seb in bit mirna sama s sabo, bit chubby  in zivet s tem. moja postava ustreza nekje postavam na zgornji sliki, mogoce trenutno kaka kilca manj, ampak ne vec ko pa kak centimeter v nogah.
V trgovini na oddelku za mocnejse, se stevilke zacnejo pr 42! seriously?!?!? Jst sm 38 trenutno.

Fuck new age society!
Na zivce mi grejo vsi te smartphone-i, avtomobili, tut lahka moznost potovanja, vse to, kar je nepomebno, kar dusi cloveka ne pove nc, a je razlog, da se primerjamo z drugimi....keep fancy, keep cool!
fuck it!

Besna sm, da me draga mati enkrat na teden spomni na to, da sm shujsala oz da sm se zredla, to je vse kar je pomembno pr mojem zdravljenju? ne! jst nism na zdravljenju zarad debelosti, da bi blo to pomembno in da bi kazal kak napredek. ne, glih kontra, to kaze na to, da se se vedno zelo ubadam s svojim look-om, namesto da bi se ubadala s sabo in s svojo vsebino.
Ko bom se mal shujsala, bom pa zdrava, al kako!?!?

Pac, na zivce mi gre.
 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Family..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo&feature=related

The Earth has never seen such thing as my family.
Lord, forgive them, they dont know what they are doing.

I understand Jesus! I do.

My bolimia has roots in my childhood. My childhood equals to my family.
The entire life they have thought me to dedicate myself to the family. Family is something holy, family is something that doesnt let you down and when all the friends walk away, you still have the family, you only have one family. you need to spend with the family as much time as possible, no matter if you are 17 and you prefer hanging out with your friends, no matter what your desires are, family is the one, who should come first.
You are not allowed to stand up for yourself and fight for yourself, as that is highly disrespectful towards the family. You have no right to disagree, as that shows how you dont appreciate the family.
If no family, you wouldnt be where you are now.
Doesnt matter if you put your own fights, if they werent the way they were, you would be a junkie now or a whore, living under the bridge, so you better show respect and appreciate everything they did for you.

You are always wrong and family is always right.

Dont put your friends first, because there is a family to be first. Dont make any plans for weekends, as weekends should be dedicated to the family, no matter if actual mother and father arent around. When you grow up and you have your own life to live and your own laundry to do, never believe you can just come visit your family and rest in their house. You need to do the housework as you owe them so much anyway.

Never follow your dreams, as that would mean that eventually you will need to break the family-chain. Never give yourself any credit, since they are the ones, who brought you up the way you are.
Never show you are weak, because that dirty a family reputation. Never go left, if the whole world goes right, because that also dirty a family name. Follow the crowed, be a sheep, never stand out from the crowd, that makes you immature. Dont walk your own road, as that means you decided to turn your back to your family.

So many rules I have always followed. I never fit those rules though, which made my life much harder, my beliefs are different and I always disagreed in a first place, but always did how I was told.
But years went by and  I still blindly followed those rules, refusing any other truth. Whoever told me "you family is weird!" i felt hurt.
my brain was totally washed.

When 22, I decided its time for me to change that bad habit.
Good news for my bulimia. I open the wounds, got vulnerable and after 2 years of very little vomiting, that bitch took control over me agani. This time even stronger, just like everytime after some break.
It sucked me into its dark world even more. Brought all the fears up, brought all the doubts up and brought that never ending self hate up again.

Last break I had before it came back last two beautiful years, when I was fighting with cancer. Same day they told me I am ok, and same they I stood up and believed "my life counts!!" bulimia had different plans for me. It was sure it will no matter how prove me my life is worth nothing!
Pills after pills, puking after puking and binging after binging.
It succeeded very fast. It shut me in my house and my perfect plan I will do some changes in my life regarding to my family and regarding to my life so sank like an old ship.

Then my boyfriend came along and changed couple of things and so I admitted to myself: I do have eating disorders and I better go on a rehab.

Rehab did change my life, not just in a way of recovering but also in a way of continue losing fight with my family.
I told them all I knew about why possibly I could have bulimia and the answer didnt suit them at all.
Every time I told them I feel caught with them, they said "oh, but you can do whatever you want now. No are an adult! we never did anything wrong!!"    fuck off. why you are telling me this shit now?!??!?!
Where were you several years ago.
I told them I dont like the way they brought me up believing all people are bad. I told them I believe not all people are bad and my mom goes: "yah you are right!" whhhhhhhhhhhhat the fuck!!!! no, six months before that conversation she told me I shouldnt trust anyone and I shouldnt believe my boyfriend cares about me. there is no such thing as healthy relationship.
When I told them I believe everyone should stood up for hisself and walk his own path no matter what people think, she said: "oh yes, dont worry what people say!"   aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! breakdown!!!!! always,really always!!!!!!also today, the rule number one with my family is: "make sure everyone has good opinion about you and neighbors should believe you are perfect!!" 
all the fucking life they were so low to believe this. I never did. I dont give a fuck what people think about me, at least not deep down. real me, doesnt care.

I spent last three months of my rehab just dealing with my family. such a hard work. and still, today, I dont seem like I learned anything.
its my fathers birthday today, and last weekend we ve been talking about what to give him as birthday present and also how we will all be at their place, having a picnic with my uncles, cousnts, auntis.... and so I canceled all my plans for the weekend like a good daughter should do and prepared myself fot spending weekend with lots of food and lots of people.
So there was Friday and I spoke to my mom and she just by the way told me my father is at the seaside and that she is leaving today. I lost it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a joke is that???
How on the Earth can you do this?? How about me and my respect? and my brothers respect?
how about that glory FAMILY!!! you taught me about family and made my life hell because of your stupid possessiveness, and look at you now....you dont give a fuck what your children think and want!!!!
 You have no right to ever ever ever gain tell me one thing about my life!!!
you have no clue what life is and what respect it.
back off, am done with you!!!!!!
I will not any more think of their feeling too. they might be hurt if i dont come visit them but i seriously dont give a fuck!!! you guys just showed me how much you care about my feelings, so we are done!
I better see it for real, otherwise I am really retarded!!! 
I better wake up!

I cried and felt so sick I made a plan how to buy pills and go vomit.
my body was shaking and I jsut couldnt believe this really had happened. I was probably more upset with myself because I let them win it again. I was upset how the fuck i didnt see it before. was it really so hard to see how hypocrite my family is. oh no, i remember seeing it but had hard times believing it.
well, i am not ashamed any  more....my family is stupid and they are one the most hypocritical people one can meet. not just towards me, but towards everyone.
fuck it.
I am angry, really angry.
thank god for my boyfriend, i called him and told him i need to hear his voice. 10 minutes of talking saved me. I still wanted to vomit but there was a little little piece of him in my mind, just enought to chose go buy the dress for the day when he arrives! 
and so I saved my ass from the toilet but not fromt he gross feeling i have.
my body is filled up with some odd feeling, something that i dont understand and that i want to take out. 

Now I know why I have bulimia! 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Rough times

sleep - eat - work - eat - work - eat - sleep - give up - dont give up - eat - sleep - eat - work - ..... survive.

Dont know how I feel, dont know what I want.
It started slowly, I could tell the day when it started, and day by day it took control over me.
My mind is sick, telling me not to eat, telling me I am fat and telling me I am a mistake.
Telling me if I take another cherry tomato, I will fatten and destroy everything I've achieved by now.
Telling me, I can pour only 5 spoons of milk to my morning coffee, if more, I will go to hell.
it is yelling at me I should eat barbs free food and the smallest amounts possible.
It made me buy baby bowls, so when I eat cereals, soup, spinach ets ... I serve it in that small bowl.  once I took another portion of soup and I was punished so baaaad.
It counts my pieces of meat, never more than 10 little chopped pieces. eleventh can kill me.
Salami should be eaten plain, with no bread with.
Yogurt only the plain one,  fruit  yogurt is a crime.
Chocolate is prohibited and so is fruit.
I count calories most of the day and just spend time infront of the mirror, hating my body.

When normal moments, I am horrified but not strong enough to break it when its talking a control over me.
I know I can only keep my weight when I eat most of the food, randomly, whatever I need in that moment and have been doing it so well already, but then something happened.
Not sure what.
Could be just a matter of my recovering but I believe all food-madness came back so strong because I have been working much more last few weeks and I spend a lot of energy working with kids, playing with them during their recess. I run with them up and down like crazy, I chase them and lift them up and down. I am always on a move, and I can tell, when 15 children want you to chase them and play football with them, it is quite exhausting at the end of the day. I can see this when I am normal, but most of the time I am everything but reasonable... I made myself believe I MUST have lunch at 1, but when break at 12, I am already dying to get that food, so hungry. and I feel super guilty every fucking single day for having lunch at 12.
Same is with dinner. Before, I had dinner at 6, but nowdays, I am starving at 4, when make it home from work. So first thing once am home is making dinner/lunch and theres nothing worse for my stupid mind.
And so I put fight every time I make myself food and later, when I finish it.
WHY DID YOU EAT??????? WEAK ASS!!!!
is shouting at me!!!

I am afraid of not eating anything though, but my mood depends on how empty my stomach is.
I am happy when I am hungry and there's no food in my stomach, oh if only i could keep it like this forever.
I get depressed big time when I put some food to my stomach.

In a second food comes to the stomach, I get HUGE!!!! my face gets fat, my ass grows gigantic,  my legs are not able to move from all the fat. My fingers are ugly and so are my feet. All the cloths look like I got them at the red cross charity on me, not looking decent. My style seems to be soooooo last year and I am just boring. For sure not ready to leave my room. So ugly and fat I stay at home, not knowing what's happening outside, not knowing whats happening with myself, not understanding my emotions.
empty but not empty, depressed but not depressed.
FEARFUL of getting fat. Fat can not be good. Fat is ugly and fat is not worth to live. Fat has no future and fat can not be loved. Fat is gross. Fat is me.
My the biggest fear is I am fattening every second and so I am ruining my life.
Everyone is more beautiful.

My doctor told me to stay with that fat, ugly feeling for five minutes and try to feel whatever is to be felt. To be with that feeling for a little while and place it in some time of my life. Wait for the answer my body is about to give me, if only I stay with the pain. I should pay attention on what is happening with my body at that particular time, on what thought triggers the fat feeling.
Fuck, I can not tell you how hard that is.
Thats most definitely the hardest part of recovering for me. I just dont know how to stay with that feeling as it takes control over me immediately.

it is so hard to keep up with everyday life, with people, friends ... I cant.
I sleep a lot, which is good. my doctor says the body processes everything during the sleep, which is only good. But again, my mind proved how sick it is when it fought with me I shouldnt waste time on sleeping during the day, being lazy and useless!! I should be fine by now. Doctor laughed : "no no, thats not how it goes. it doesnt go that fast. just think of all the sleepless time and all the suffering your mind and body have been trough in last 10 years. you can not catch up with all the leak of the sleep with only several afternoon naps. no no!"

She also tells me my down moments are very normal and that is only a sign I have been moving forward. Re-feeling everything, re-learning about emotions and life, recovering!!!
She told me it will take lots of time to get well. Things go slow and being down is the only opportunity to process all the pain I carry inside my mind and my body. Thats the only way for me to get over bulimia.

Bulimia is one of the biggest addictions and being an addict takes loads of time to live up normally.
Until then, there is nothing to be done but focus 200% on a rehab and work hard.

oh Lord, give me some more strength!