Sunday, September 8, 2013

When depression kills!

has been bloody long since I last wrote my blog and the reason is: rehab!
I focused on my rehab only, and my therapist said I redirect my focus when writing blog, instead of going into my body and see what is really the matter, so she suggested to stay away from writing for a while. and so I did.
but today, I have a special reason to write again...

I had a friend, a beautiful soul, good looking, very popular, very easy to like, styley and inspiring.
We met in a primary school when I was 12 and she 11.
We instantly buddied up and remained best friends for many many years. We had lots of mutual friends, and our lives seem to be connected forever, also when we had period when we just couldn't get together and when we would forget about each other, there were always people who we could send our love to one another through.

But the real connection between us, the forever one, was our illness. Our disorders. I suffer from bulimia and she suffered from depression/psychosis. severe depression. and sever bulimia.
self hate, voices in our heads, negativity, anxiety, panic attacks, darkness.... we knew what one is talking about....

just as me, she tried her best to get better.
From psychiatrist hospital to the therapy, from the therapy home, from home back to the hospital, from hospital back home, feel hopeful for some time then back to the dark side.
Never ending story.

We spoke last few days ago, as she struggled and we set up the date. I wanted to check on her today, and I leaned that she passed away!
She didn't make it.
She died!
She is gone!
Depression/psychosis took my beautiful soul away!!

and here I am, feeling numb, and in a same time, I am feeling scared and angry. Anxious and sad.
I tell myself, she will be happy now, she will be in peace. I can understand why she is gone -- because she wanted so!
but in the same time I don't understand why she is gone.
why she couldn't fine strength inside her heart, why she gave in?

I feel her more than anyone, I exactly know what shes been through, because I often feel the same... just let me fall asleep forever.... but on the other hand there is part of me screaming: fight! FIGHT!! Fight for her!!!

What does her death mean? What is the sign?

it hurts.

such un upside down world. what a chaos! beautiful souls die to remind us we are here only temporary, nothing belongs to us, we re in this life as guests.

I believe it is because each of us have its own purpose and mission in this life, my friends mission was to inspire and from now on, to remind us, us who suffer from mental disease,  how serious those illness' are, they take lives! so we better get sober, focus and fight back!

BE WITH PEACE, MY SISTER!!




 

 Link> Heaven Got Another Angel