Friday's confessions

I am feeling like writing because I have been a bit lost lately....and I am hoping on getting some answers while writing....this is probably exactly why my therapist doesn't fancy me writing too much,...because that is refocusing my thoughts ... instead of going into my emotions and see whats really happening there, I am going to distract myself and write some.

I have been feeling lost lately, not sure of who I am and where I belong to.
I have been hating people more than ever in a long time...
I feel so caught in this selfhate. I am obsessed with some pointless stuff...that has nothing to do with my life. the worst bit is I spend so much time on facebook, stocking people and feeling jealous.
I am looking at those yoga teachers with perfect bodies, they do inspire tho, and then I end up doing yoga because I wanna be that perfect.
it is soooo hard, I feel sooo caught.
I am also checking random people out and comparing myself to them, and feeling bad about myself.


Ok, facebook isn't my biggest problem, my head is my biggest problem...I don't give myself any credits. still caught in the selfhate. I think every body is cute with an awesome style and I am lame and ugly. I wish I was someone else. I don't like my face.
today I put myself into a dress size 34 .... thirty fucking four.... and after that I cried how disgustingly fat I am ....

this bulimia is making me miserable.
when I get to eat 5 times a day and food is quality, all is good, I usually don't whine, but as soon as my food gets crappier and I skip meal from some reason, I start freaking out! the other day I had glass of beer and I couldn't stop feeling guilty. woke up in the morning like I killed someone in the night before.

bulimia got a bit more obvious these days because I ve worked hard at work these days and had no time to work on myself so now all is coming out.. my day  has to be very structured, if it isn't then I am all lost (which is most of the time).

while writing this, I checked facebook for about 15 times and checked three unknown women' profile..and I keep sighing...."oh how lucky they are. they are so beautiful and so skinny! if only I was like this....if only I had an interesting face...I am no-one!'

and one of the women I stocked on fb had some African photos on her profile and so I am hating her. I don want her to be involved with Africa, Africa is not for everyone.
anotherone got married and got a baby and she is the skinniest I have seen which makes me the laziest.....and the lamest.instead of doing yoga I munched some dinner and snuggled to bed. lame! wtf?
I dint remember what was with the third one
...

I cant let go of past. simpy cant.
its hunting me.
people from the past are hunting me.
I think they are all better than me. but it should be that way.

I think I am no cool! :(
I am so 16. gosh!

I am nobody!

If I was somebody, I would do yoga tonight, and I didn't.

what!?
I don't know??

I am not feeling alright.

I don't know who I am.

I am not even hating myself right now, I am not feeling anything!

this doesn't even make any sense.
I don't know how I am feeling.

I better go find out.

2 years of recovering...

Last month I completed my second year of rehab.
How do I live after two years of rehab?
well, I most of the time, confused.

I don't binge any more and I don't vomit any more. hooray!!!
I eat 5 times a day, I am 3 sizes smaller than before rehab and I still cry I am fat and ugly.
I have no peace.

I got engaged and currently live in Ljubljana with my finace, and I am full time teacher.
I attend therapy once a week and I see my family once every month.
I don't talk to my mom every day and I hate society.
I still take antidepressant pills and I use facebook to compare myself to some random skinny bitches around the word that I don't even know who they are.

I try practice yoga on regular bases, but I do it more theoretically than practically, which suck!
I do however stay on yogamat around 30 to 45 minutes now, once to twice a week and I am developing muscles and my body looks better than ever before, but my bulimia still calls me "bitch, go do that practice, you fat ass, move that ass and lose some fat!" on days like this   I don't do yoga and you can only imagine how I freak bulimia out. it gets so hard I have proper melt down because of the guilt bulimia causes.
on the other hand I have days when I feel like crying when I only think how just several months ago I tore a yoga mat into pieces and threw one into the window each and everytime I would try and do my sun solution. my ego got mental. I couldn't stay on a yogamat for more than a minute (yes, 60 seconds) ... but the desire of being perfect made me try over and over again...though I would never ever admit this is the reason.

I learned how to bring my lost self down to earth and I learned how to feel my body from the numbness.
I learned consequences if I am not honest with myself.
I don't lie (only when I have to find an excuse why I can not make it out for a coffee or come online to call a friend) ..
I talk more and I laugh more.
I eat healthier and I lost about 15 or 20 kilos.
I cannot stand who I am, but I have ambitions and dreams. I have faith and I am a good teacher. People love me but I don't like spending time with them.

I am jealous all the time and I envy things like new home, new baby, getting married, vacation, weight loss, happiness ... I don't want people to have any of it.
But I am showing signs of freedom, signs of love, empathy and sympathy.

Hate isn't as deep as it used to be. but love still isn't deep enough.
I have days when I don't recognize faces, I don't recognize my partner lying next to me, but I love him more than ever. I fight for him, I persist for him.

I study and I learn, but I feel stupid.

I sing out loud more and I have unique style. I show signs of freedom, but I still cant sleep at night.

I am calmer. Much calmer. I am honest. as honest as ever!
I am earning patience, but I speak my mind. I stand up for myself, then hate myself for standing up for myself.

I am more organized and I am much cleaner. I keep our home clean and I cook well. I pray!
I pray a lot and I count blessings.

I am trying. I am challenging myself. I go out for the sake of my love.
I do things on time. I pay bills. I am saving money.
I shave my legs every time when needed and I talk to strangers.
I plan my future, I dream of being a mom. but I don't want to be a mom because I might fail.
I cannot wait to be a wife, but I don't feel good enough for him!!! its killing me inside!!
 I cannot wait to move into new home.

I wear bikini and I go to the beach. I swim and I walk around with short skirts and without makeup. that is the second biggest success. the firstone is not vomiting.
so I am showing signs of self-esteem.

I am constantly tired.

i take care of my body (health).
I care for my kidney and liver. i don't drink alcohol and I don't eat junk food more than sometimes.
I drink coffee just in mornings and I drink lemonade first thing in the morning.
I eat veges and go out to get some fresh air.

I worry too much.

my haemorrhoids and my kidney start aching instantly when i am stressed.
and I have sever headaches after eating chocolate.

I clean my skin (face + body) with homemade pilling (sugar + olive oil) once a month.

I care more.

I reconnected with some people, but still disliking many of them.

I am doing so much but i am (feeling) lazy in a same time. I find it SOOOO hard to do stuff. like anything..... anything!! (but my work)
i don't feel like doing ANY!!!THING!!!

I dislike all people that do pilates or any other wanna be skinny and beautiful activities. I cant go to yoga studio, because i have panic attacks each and every time i am about to go, because the head is telling me i will be the only fat ass inthere and all the rest will eb skinny and flexible.
it is sabotaging me badly.
but i don't envy my best friend, who happened to be a professional dancer.. hooray for me!!

I still have reaction to certain foods, such as rice, pasta, nutela, pudding, raffaelo ...
I instantly feel like i binged even tho i didn't.
if i see a puke i get crazy and start crying fearing i did it. i instantly loose a connection with reality.

I have blurry image of reality and i have wrong sense for time.

see, telling you, I am so confused. all the time!!

but i am calmer. much calmer.


Go to rehab! it will be hell. it will hurt and it will burn your entire body and your mind.. but just the taste of freedom you is enough to make you fight some more.


Stay beautiful.
we are beautiful.
it is society that is ugly!
(M.M.)