Just for one day, I want to be free. Free from selfhate!

I don't really understand my situation.
I am filled with some unknown emotion.
I am stuck at my parents place.
I am so broken. The worst part is that this place sucked all the energy out of me and I cant go back home. it seems so impossible. it seems like its nt a good idea.
my entire body is filled with this stupid emotion that is keeping me up here.
I planed on going back home yesterday, then rescheduled it on today, now we are suppose to g bck home tomorrow.

I wrapped myself into my own bubble, I don't hear and I don't see.
but so much is coming through anyway.

I hate all that commenting. My mom comment each and every move she makes.
she is asking some ridiculous questions such as: "don't you think your fiancée is going to be cold outside?" what the fuck is that about???
my fiancée is 29 and I have all my faith in him that he is responsible for his own warmth and comfort.

more comments like: "so, now I am going to cook." .............. "now I will leave this to cook." ........... "can you clean up the house after your breakfast?" "are you studying?" [while I study]   "are you hungry?"
and on and on and on.......yes, she is a mother. most mothers do that. but shut the fuck up and do stuff with less talking. I don't really care!!!!!!!!!!!!

so insecure.
she does this because she needed to explain herself always, to my dad.
I am the same sometimes, letting my fiancée know what am I doing ---- while doing it!
it annoys me when I do it also.
but when she does it she just reminds me how toxic relationship she has with my dad and she does the same to me.

today my dad left to seaside,  so I thought it will be a bit more relaxed in the house. but it isn't.
my dad is usually the one causing all the stress and making us mental.
with him in the house I don't relax. I just stay alert for him if he needs me or if he wants me to do something. I start cleaning up as soon as I see him.
its so sick.
but he left and he took my naughty grandma back to her home...but my brothers girlfriend is very toxic as well especially when shes not in a good mood. she can be very bitchy and I always buy it. always. because her attitude is a combination of my mother and my father's attitude. I cant just ignore her. she makes me very nervous, I could slap her in her face sometimes when she behaves like shes diva. but I have no chance, because all family turns against me when I say something against her.
waaaah her voice!!! god help her.

my body is so shut down but yet so sensitive. one louder noise makes me jump up and it frightens me. every little noise of the door or a voice of a person makes me maaaaaaaaad!!!!!

hearing my name nine thousand times a day just drives me mad!


I have zero tolerance to my family.
but I am discovering something else....
if theres anyone....any one... says anthing bad about my family, I get protective.
even my brother is not allowed to say anything against my mom and dad.
I deeply love them.
I cry because I miss them. I suffer because I want to have good relationship with them.


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I wrote this, then I suddenly felt guilty for thinking and feeling this way.
I had shower and it didn't help.
I want to be soft, nice, warm and pleasant with my self.... but instead, I am hurting myself with all this selfhate!
my soul is aching. my soul needs some love.

am I really this ugly and this lame? worthless and fat?

people say I am not.
people say I am good, interesting, unique. good looking. fair. honest. bubbly with a good style.
special. nice. la la la ... bla bla bla.....
my mind is set differently.

just for one day, I want to be free.

free from selfhate!

it is eating me alive.

it is making my life be blurry.

theres no point and no feelings, no emotions. just disgust. I don't like myself.

I have kid in Africa, he is calling me "mama". can you imagine, I am someone's mother. Someone believes in me. I am someone's hero.
I speak to him everyday this winter break. He askes me to call him everyday. I love it. I enjoy it! I love my kid more thank anything!!!! but then, my mind makes me think I am pushy. maybe I manipulated with him and if he knew how lame I am, he wouldn't love me.
but that's not true.
Theres my friend staying with the boys in Uganda, and I think she thinks I am lame and weird.

that's not true.
but that's how I live my everydays.

at school where I work I raised 1100 eur for the boys in Africa .. but I think they will not love me for that. it aint good.

it makes me stop and think: why do I do it? to get good feeling from the boys and feel loved or because I love them?

I know I started in a first place because I love them....but it ended up seeking some attention.
I am tired of it.
I need good sleep and reconnect with myself, then I will know. but here at my parents place I am afraid I turn into the worst version of me.

I don't like me (like this).

dear universe. give me strength to go back home tomorrow and find my path, my reason and my purpose.

Thank you, God, for my boy and my finacee.
I love them the most, they are my reasons to be better person.

who am I?

I hate hating myself!

I might not even be that bad.

maybe I am the way my son sees me and the way my partner sees me... the way my best friends see me...?

maybe.

chrisfuckingmas

with bulimia and screwed up family everyday is the worst day, but theres that magic time twice a year when worst get even more worst, and those are two holidays: Christmas and ester.
now I am dealing with Christmas.

I hate Christmas!

This is the time when the family gets together and we all have days off, which means more unlimited time to fight and hate eachother.

So much tension, so much bad mood, so much nasty words....

and all is happening around food.
that's the only thing that matters in our family....food.
no spirit, no kindness, no politeness, no warmth, no love...
coldness.

eat food and go back to your nest.
less we see eachother more chance there is to not fight.

This years mood killer is my mother.
long face, no patience, pushy all the time, scheduled to the minute for dinner/lunch/breakfast/lunch/dinner/ ... she hates my dad my dad hates her.

she sucks me in with her mood, I cant help myself, I cant ignore it, I never know how to ignore it. she is so bitter and so grumpy.

then theres my grandma, she loves me though, but my mom hates her and so does my dad. I don't know why they even bother bringing her over.
she is an old heavy smoker, so she coughs all the time so much it makes you sick. yucky.
that pisses my mom off and it makes my dad say nasty words to her, like the most primitive person on planet earth. no respect, no love, no politeness.

my brother keeps away with his girlfriend, which I don't blame him for, but I find it unfair that he has all the freedom I have never had.

my dogs cute though, and my fiancée is just so nice to me. I am happy to have him with me this Christmas, he keeps me sane.

the rest of the family is driving me insane.
soooooooo many unneeded stupid comments, so many even stupider questions, such like :" what are you doing?" I hate thisone the most!!!
"where are your slippers?" "why are you serious?" "are you hungry?" "where are you going?" "when are you coming?" on and on and on........................................................................................................
just leave me bloody alone!

the problem is I don't know how to protect myself.
I simply don't. I don't just go out or call a friend and go for a coffee... I have been trained to stick around at all times.

my brothers gone most of the day, but here I am.
absorbing all the shit going on in here.

the most it hurts the hate between my mom and dad.
and the primitive behaving!

that one hurts!

its blurry around me.
I shut down. I down wanna hear. I don't wanna see. I don't wanna speak. I don't wanna smell!

I don't exist!

I am gone!

  I cant listen. I cant take one more comment. one more word. I don't care what you are going to do next. jst do it. don't stress about! just bloody do it. Don't complain. don't comment. be nice. be kind. love. respect. BE WARM!!

You are sucking all of life out of me.. so fast.
hasn't been 24 hours sonce I ve been here, and I am all lost and empty.
I don't exist anymore.

this is not me.

the volume is turned down.

my grandma is the most disgusting person you can meet with the cough of hers.
it is one thing that still comes through the shield of mine.
it shakes me.
it just shook me now.

the rest I don't hear.

I hate every day I am here. they are so lost. they are so broken.
it hurts my soul how broken they are and I know they will die before it crosses their minds to do something about it....like get divorced, change your habits, try something new..



 so broken.

Evil Mirror

Standing infront of the mirror. Always. Everyday. Same spot. Same thing. Same pain. Every day! The evil mirror. I cant take it off the wall, its stuck up there. It hurts me. I don't recognize the image I see in there. the thighs are huge. The face is blurry. Hips are wide. Arms are fat. Skin is yellow. Tired. Eyes unrecognizable. Belly big. Neck short. Hair messy. I covered the mirror with my scarf so I wouldn't see myself. I didn't exist those days. Size of cloths  36. weight unknown, but about 50 kg the most. Feeling: size 44-46, weight 80. Unbeautiful. Evil mirror makes me hate myself. I am so unbeautiful. I see things that aren't there. I see myself fat and ugly. lame and retarded. uncool and boring. not worthy and useless. I go to the therapy every Tuesday. I bring it out. I deal with it. I break down. it hurts like hell. I cry. I go home and fight. I feel alright for a little while. But then I bump into a skinny mother pushing the baby trolley and I wonder how can she be that skinny with few months old child and I am so big with no children. I recognize it is an illusion. but I hate her anyway. then I walk slow. ground myself. move my feet and feel my legs. try and recognize my breath, try to recognize the place. try to recognize who I am. I get myself back and I see a lady with a style. I hate her immediately and I hate myself for being no creative and punish myself for not coming up with such cool ideas how to dress up. I feel lame. then I watch people walk, talk on phones, fight, laugh, drink coffee, wear theirselves high ... and everything slowly gets quite. my heart beat slows down, my moves are almost blurry, my mind is shutting down... smell disappears. sound disappears. my face drops. I am gone. I don't feel. I look around and I don't know where I am. I get lost. I don't remember what brought me there. I don't remember what was I suppose to do and where was I suppose to be. I don't remember who I am. I don't know. I don't feel anything. I don't feel mybody. its spooking me up! Then something wakes me up. or doesn't. depends on a day. sometimes I drift away for few hours, sometimes I recognize my condition after few minutes and I try bring myself back. I know the technique now. Then it frees me.
I feel. I love. I sing. I dance. I hope. I dream. I eat. I laugh. until the moment when I see myself in the evil mirror.. the mirror that reminds me that all the good feelings are just illusion. I am fat and ugly and lame and boring and useless and worthy. I don't eat. I cry. I hate. I scream. I ache. I let it out. I let it go. The I feel the pain. The pain reminds me of my body. I do the technique and bring myself back to the room. I rest. I am free-er than before. I smell again. I hear again. It makes more sense. I am me. I have bulimia. That is alright. It takes time to recover. I am gentle to myself. I make myself cup of tea. I take hot shower and treat my skin well. I brush my hair and my eyes spark. I see hope. I have faith. I sleep well. it is warm. I eat good. I smell coffee. I dress happy. I see the day. I see the sun. I feel the morning. I sing. I bounce. I give. I am alright. then is see the skinny lady. I close. My eyes change. I shiver. My heart beat speeds up. I stare at her thighs, I hear the voice telling me I am fat. I am angry. I hate. I realize I am at work. so I shut myself. put the smile on my face. I don't feel. I find a corner and do the technique. I bring my body back to earth. but I cant eat. I am lost. I play. I act. I go to the therapy. I am scared. I feel nothing. Then I break down. I let myself feel. I feel. I yell. I cry. I let it go. I recover. I shine. then I see the evil mirror again. And I wanna run away from myself. I don't wanna be me.
The battle continues.
I am here, and yet I am lost. I eat, and yet I starve. I laugh, and yet I suffer. I shine, and yet I cry. I love, and yet I hate.

That is the stage I am at at the moment.
Aint shinny, aint dark. and all of it I see.