Monday, April 14, 2014

After shock ..


I am just done with my "go into your body" ..
I cried. I felt. I felt a lot. I cried a lot.

but I don't feel like hanging out with my fiancée  yet. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like letting go of this state so I am writing this post now, to be with my broken and hurt self for a little more.

My therapist tells me once I am done with "going into my body" I should do something else, so now I am thinking of what could I do when I finish this post that has nothing too do with healing.
I might go out for a walk or go cook the dinner.
I might take my fiancée out for a drink and breathe the evening air.

Usually after doing my rehab homework I feel much better because I am more present.
I still spend hours and hours and days and days caught in a selfhate, feeling nothing or feeling nothing but selfhate.
The progress is so slow. it is strong one though and permanent but so slow.
Like I have been recovering now for two years and half and I still struggle big time. I came a long way, I did. I am easier to live with and I make way more sense.
I am more honest and much more present and I do some socializing .. that's the big step for me.
I hate socializing. I simply hate it. I know my true self, my real me doesn't hate it and I am very outgoing and I live my life big, but with this bulimia ... oh boy I hate meeting for a coffee and forsome other occasions. It would happen quite often now that I feel great afterwards, and I would call my fiancée on a way home fully excited "Babe, babe, I loved it. I am feeling alive. I am feeling good>" I am like a little kid being let outside by herself for the first time, feeling like a grown up, although just 12.
I now walk outside and I see the beauty of the nature and I see how beautiful pregnant women are. I do hate them after they deliver that baby because they get fucking skinny in two weeks. skinnier than before. I hate them. I genially hate them. But I like flowers outside and animals and colors and the smell of the air. I call my man telling him" babe babe, the trees are sooooo awesome, look out. Babe babe, they have good strawberries in a supermarket. aah!
that makes me happy-strawberries in a supermarket ha!
I walk streets many times with shoulders back and chin up. I see new perspective.
Always before I would look down, but now I am more proud and more confident. it is obvious.
But it is sooo hard to make it from day to day.
Although it is so much hope in my life now.

I am doing better with my family. I don't hate them that much any more and I don't fear them that much also. They wake up all the emotions with their presence in no time, but if I get to keep the distance, we are actually much better.
Often, on daily bases I hear my parents in my head sabotaging me, telling me I am no good and my ideas sucks and I will never succeed. They are telling me I am too difficult to live with and that because of my character I will end up alone.
They are telling me I am not normal and I am no good.
 I believe those voices. They run my day after day.

Then I go into my body, shut the mind down and let the body speak.
Pain comes out.

Fear. Anger. Doubts. Hate. Jealousy. Disgust. Those are causing sever pain to my body.

Often, the voice in my head would get mental and then I realize that voice is my parents. It is sick they always just cause pain but they never do anything, they sit at the back of my head and laugh. They always laugh at me when I cry and ache.

The voices also don't let me take time for myself. They don't let me go into my body and feel the real shit. They numb me and they laugh at me.

I suck my belly in every single time I should be in my body. I don't know what is going on in the belly, never figured it out, but it yells at me: With the fat belly you are no-one!!!! FAT YOU ARE WORTH NOTHNING!!!

but I can control it to the point where I stop it now .. well, not on a everyday life bases, those blow me and time flies me feeling nothing, but when I actually do the homework, start the "body meditation" then I can finish it also now.
I get myself together.
and what has been happening lately to me is after my "body meditation" I get soooo hungry.
cant wait to come home and eat. I eat guilt free. I eat with joy.

I still have weird relationship with food.
I still eat 5-6 times a day, always eat breakfast at 6.30 - toast,jam,coffee. I struggle with these still, I never let myself eat big breakfast, I make toast pieces as small as possible.
At 9.30 I eat snack. The size of it depends on how much bulimia controls me. SOmetimes it lets me eat just one plain yogurt and sometimes it lets me take good care of myself, I cut carrots, cucumbers ,fruits, yogurt (I try make sure I have one vitamin meal a day and one milky meal a day)
then for lunch at 12.30 I again eat depends on the volume of the voice in my head, but I eat everything, whatever it is. I eat random food, sandwich,potatos, meat,like anything that I have at home. fat, sweet, "fattening" whatever. I eat. Then at 3.30 I eat again, I eat a fruit or milk, or chocolate or cereal... at 6 I eat something small again and at 8 I have my dinner. I always cook and I make sure dinner is enjoyable, I make it colourful but I don't think of how fattening it is. I eat pancakes for dinner, or a proper cooked meal.
I love dinners.
At 9.30 I sleep.
If I don't fall asleep until 11 I get hngry again and then I eat again.
With this schedule I lost about 15 or even more kilos.
So don't be afraid to give it a shot.

There is still a lot of fear when it comes to the food, but sometimes I love cooking and I spend sooooo much time around food, making sure it tastes well, it looks well, I love talking about food with my fiancée and I enjoy it.
yet another time I take I from my own mouth.
tho I learned the food doesn't fatten you....emotions do,
emotions that you eat along fatten you, if you eat what you want and when you want you aint gonna get big.

I don't like skinny girls and I don't like anyone that runs on daily bases or does pilates.

I do yoga again, that's a big news! and am good at it.
I love it because eyogamat is the only place where I get patient with myself.
I do it slow.

now the evening sun is out and I feel alright, so I will finsh writing now, I must make dinner as well..

Go to basics.

Go into your body.
body doesn't lie. your mind does!

peace out.