Sunday, June 29, 2014

Natasa G in da house

I am home alone because my husband went surfing to Portugal with his bud from New Zealand.

Surprisingly a lot of people asked how come am fine with this?
Newly married and he just takes off like this.

Yah, we just got married but he hates me, he hates spending time with me, so he took of.
really people?
Don't you think if we did it this way its probably working for us.
now zip it!

I "let" him go because it is rare occasion when I can proof to him how much I really love him.
Bulimia is super selfish illness.
It is all about me me me!
Me struggling. Me suffering. Me breaking down. Me progressing. Me yelling. Me crying. Me feeling insecure. Me not making love. Me therapy. Stay here for me.

As long as I have bulimia, I cant love him selflessly and give him unconditional love.
This is how I know he is the one, because he has so much knowledge about mental health and he is so down to earth he knows how to protect himself.
WHen I lose it, he hugs me and tells me: Babe it is time for you to go into your body. I will go out for a walk and will meet you at home in 30 minutes time. I love you!
He goes.
I deal with my emotions.
Not to mention I lose if for couple of more times, not wanting to be controlled, not wanting to be told what to do. Not wanting to be left alone.
But it is the only way.
Him being removed from the situation gives him a chance to keep calm and like he says, be a good partner. otherwise it gets overwhelming and no matter how patient he is, he could lose it too and start yelling back at me.
According to him and my therapist, this is not the way relationship should work.
Arguments are good and healthy, dealing with the differences, but yelling at eachother and fighting big time it No NO!
I never understood it and I know majority of people don't understand it, but now I know this is true and this is the only way to keep love and respect going.
Otherwise it is just too easy to hate your partner, and many people don't even realize it is not the partner that they hate often is the situation they hate but they are dealing with it in a form of fighting with the partner.
Fighting with partner (By fighting I mean yelling at each other) one takes a right to own the person.
You are my possession and I can do with you whatever I want and I don't care if I hurt you as long as I feel better. This is abuse!
And no-one owns anyone!
NO matter how married you are or how many children you have together, the person does not belong to you!
The other day I spoke to my friend about it and she said: oH ,how don't you lose your mind not fighting with him. that must be boring!
I explained myself (why, I don't know. some people just don't get it) telling her we do have different ideas on daily bases and we discuss about it. SOmetimes calmer sometimes with more passion, I call it arguing (For me arguing and fighting isn't the same. Fighting is the crossed line when you get driven by emotions and you lose respect for another person).
ANd it works with us because we keep ourselves as individuals and we keep respect at all times.
I have no right to use him for his emotional frustration and he has no right to use me for his emotional frustrations.
She said.. Oh that works for you guys, for us that wouldn't work. we just aren't those kind of people. we prefer yelling at eachother and then make up!
Ha! WHat do you mean we are just not this kind of people. Yes you are, we all are, it is the matter of choice!!
Yes, I would prefer yelling at him too, it is much easier than going throught he process like this:
Recognize the situation (I still fail sometimes and don't stop myself)
Step back and leave (The hardest one)
Sit in a quiet place and get back into your body.
Get your attention to your body.
Recognize the emotion that drives you.
Figure out whether the emotion is from your far past or "present".
Feel it.
Be with it.
Let it go.

Yah, hard as shit, yelling is easier.
but yelling is like puking, or taking drugs, or drinking.
It makes you feel better in that moment, but it kills you slowly, and this is how it kills your relationship.
Then people cheat each other. Divorce. cause more problems. ruin more lives.
People don't use their brain.

I am no relationship expert, but I do agree now with my partner and my therapist yelling/fighting shouldn't be an option.
and NO, relationship isn't boring this way, it is deeper and more real!

Selflessly love someone is hard.
But it is the only real love.
And me letting him go was rare opportunity when I could be selfless and do it from Love and Love only!
He hasn't been surfing for two years. He is in SLovenia for me so I finish my therapy or at least get more stable. He does shitty job for me so we can stay here. He is selflessly taking all the shit he gets from me/my bulimia.
So I am grateful I got a chance where I could show him I really love him.

It aint easy for me.
After a month of hardcore life where I didn't deal much with bulimia but mostly just put her on hold there is a lot of work to do now.
Alone, so much more harder.
The first day I was very dopy.
I was so shut down I almost killed myself out in a car.
I did not exist. But I slept a lot.
The second day was actually the same, but I felt a bit more and when I felt I was so happy to be married. Then I'd shut down again and not feel anything.
The third day it started.
It was a big battle. I COMPLETELY lost the grip with reality!
I did not know whether I am married or not.
My mind was telling me I am not married and he will never come back.
it is his chance to realize how horrible I am and he will never come back.
I really, really struggled yesterday.
I was so empty I thought I will just die.
I could just die yesterday.
It felt like I could just close my eyes forever.
that is what it tells me..... just close your eyes and sleep. never wake up.
it never tells me to end mylife violently, it puts a soft music on and it just takes me away. so far I believe I will never come back.
No love, anything could happen to my partner, I wouldn't feel it.
no jealousy, no fear, no joy, no tiredness, no hunger, no nothing!
Nothing is there.
I am dead.
Actually GONE!
My therapist tells me this is a dangerous state.
This is the state where I could drift back to binge/purge level from, or do things I would regret.
It scares me too, but it feels good.
It just feels like I could be like this forever.
I would lose my mind and end up in mental hospital, yes, but it is just so relaxing. feeling nothing.

There was a tiny voice telling me: You have to stoop this, Natasa!
But I didn't care. I dint wanna stop it.

Then my friend called and she came visit, and slowly I came back to my body and back to reality.
By the time I went to bed I was feeling better.
I was married again. I was blessed again.
I was strong again.
I had my purpose and I knew my reason.
I even showered. I don't shower when in this state. I hate showers because it made me feel.
but I showered, I washed myself, my face. I was clean. Inside out.
I felt the way I don't feel often.
I felt like everything will be ok....I felt hopeful and faithful!
it is a special feeling.
I felt like humans we are all so beautiful but so many of people toxicated, but even that's ok because people could heal. I felt so hopeful. so strong.
I felt like there will be day when I will feel beautiful and worthy.
I just felt it so deeply!!!
It made me happy!!
I told myself: look, you got stronger. you are recovering well!
just few months ago couldn't take if he would go away for a weekend, it would mess up with me,...I still "let"him go but I experienced huge breakdowns and I lost all the control, where now, I told myself, look at me, I am dealing with it.
It isn't easy. It hurts. it burns. It chokes me. but look, I observe myself. I recognize when I am completely lost and when I am just about to get numb. I recognize it. I can be with it.
Then look at me, I had shower, holy crap I had shower when I hated myself the most. When there was nothing but disgust. I see tomorrow. I feel love. I feel wholeness. I feel the purpose and I have faith everything will be ok. I have faith I will survive.
I am bloated waiting for my period.
The biggest and the fastest trigger of all the triggers......YOUR FAT!!!!!
but not yesterday. when the voice yelled YOUR FAT!! at me, I calmly told him...... I am bloated. and I am too tired to deal with you now so let me go to bed!
I will look better tomorrow after some rest, you will see!
then I told my body: I am sorry for him being so mean. here, have some water. You will look better tomorrow. now lets go to bed!
Somewhere on the way I got stronger.
I still struggle bug time and suffer a lot, but look, I got stronger.

It just feels different.
It still feels like everything is falling apart and nothing makes sense, but there is just that little difference in my body.....I don't know, just  a little bit of faith.
its like new life.

I woke up in a good shape in the morning.
I felt strong and I felt my body!
I felt like today I will do yoga after a month and I will meditate.
I felt like this will be such nice treat for myself.
Of course voices are wild, telling me I haven't been doing yoga for a month now and I suck at yoga now and I have no muscles. and I tell the voices, thats maybe correct but Iw as busy with wedding and end of school, I took month off of yoga. now I am back again.

it kept pulling me away and it succeeded, I lost myself for a while, but in about 30 minutes I came back.
I am now  on the edge, could drift into nothing or chose to live.
I am hoping on living and feeling.

Maybe I am worth living.
Maybe all I have to do is to show my own self my attributes.
So I will put some make up on and express myself.
Yah, maybe I am worth living.

So yah, my name is Natasa.
I am 28. I live in Ljubljana, capital of Slovenia.
I am married.
And this is my face.
NO filters. No make up (mascara) . Just my face now, this moment when I am writing this.
(Do excuse my expression, but I don't do selfies)







Peace.

I got married.

I got married.
A week ago.
So I am a wife now. It feels good.
I feel more complete.

Its slowly getting more obvious but I can feel some.

I am still exhausted though, we had people over for about 10 days, intense hanging out, I lost my routine which sucked but I kind of managed to hold myself together.
The work sucked last days more than ever, it made me sick and it got nasty.
I work for nasty people and I hope this is our last year here.
I don't even wanna go there right now, but it  caused so much stress I vomited.
Not that I made myself vomit, but my stomach simply couldn't take it anymore and I collapsed.

Then my partners parents came, stayed a night and left, then his best friends came and his sister.
a lot of eating outside.
I tried hard to hold myself together.

I had flu and fever of 38 degrees.
I don't know how i functioned but i did.

Saturday I had my hens party and it was good.
No major breakdowns. Just nice girly evening and then hard core party until 8 in the morning, which just toughen up my flu.
Not to stop, we hosted people during the week from New Zealand, i tried to keep sane so i just shut all the voices down, meaning i stopped feeling. That is probably how I made it through big stress, that wasn't even caused by me, my bulimia or my family as i am used to it, but by random not serious people.
The night before wedding was the first night when i was in bed by midnight.

I woke up at 7 next day, in tears because i was so tired.
My stomach couldn't take anything in.
I guess because i was sick and because i was nervous.
at 11.30 am i left my parents place and met my maid of honour at the venue, where we got ready for the wedding at 5.

I tried to eat some soup because i knew i hadn't been eating any for two days and i new i had to eat.
I made myself finish the soup, made me more sick than anything, but i kept it and i think it did me good any way.
at around 3 o'clock i couldn't hide bulimia any more......
I had my first proper panic attack ------ What if i am not beautiful, what if I am not skinny enough, what if i will look fat, what if i am not worth anything?
I don't really know how i managed to get ready, I guess it was my bridesmaid who kept me busy with making my make up, i don't know.

When I was ready, I wasn't happy with the way I looked.
I didn't like my body, my face, my posture, my life......
I was disgusted with my own self, like uncountable times before, but this really wasn't the good time to feel this shitty.

We were in a rush so even my voices didn't have much time to torture me.
I loved my bouquet though. When I saw it it made me cry.
It was so beautiful, everything that i wanted.

From feeling disgusted and feeling nothing I got super emotional, I cried because everything was just so beautiful.
I saw my dad coming closer to the bridge to wait for me and i cried.
I never loved my daddy more that at my wedding.
And my mommy, they were both great!!

Once i was given to my partner, I forgot about everything.
It was just him and me. and i felt GOOD.

I did not care how does my make up look like or how fat do i look  in the dress, i simply did not care.
it was a special feeling i havent felt before.
nothing mattered but him and myself.
I loved being there.
i was very emotional though and I LOVED my flower arrangement.
Silly, i know, but it was one thing i chose myself....flowers, and i was happy with myself.
it was magical!
absolutely magical!!!

People cried. everyone cried. it was very very very emotional wedding and very beautiful.
People working there came to me saying: Thank you for such special wedding, we haven't had such wedding before!
(We got married in one of the fanciest places in Slovenia, it is Titos residence Brdo Pri Kranju, don't ask but worth any money!)

Then, the NIGHTMARE happened.........
People admiring me, my wedding dress and the wedding.
Complimenting me on and on, until It woke up the voices again.
they told me: don't think they are honest, they are just saying this, because you are the bride and that is what people say to the bride, you can be sure they think you are ugly and fat!
I shut myself down. and I stayed shut for another 4 hours, until 11pm.
at that time i couldn't take it anymore.
I decided i will do something bad in order to bring myself back to life, so i had a cigarette , i don't smoke though.
It did not help of course. the only thing that helped was people gone.
when people were gone by 4am, i felt good again.
i set with my friends, 15 of us, and i was happy again.
the crowd was gone.

People loved our wedding though, everyone kept saying this is the new standard for the wedding and that it was like in a fairy tale.

Next day all the people waited for us at my parents place and we had picnic, it was fun. it was relaxing and fun.
I loved being me.
I loved my life and i loved my mom and dad for doing it all for us!!!
I loved my brother and his girlfriend for trying so so so hard to keep all the people who visited from all around the world happy. They were fantastic.

In the evening we opened the gifts and just like it wasn't already enough we got another shock.
People gave us almost 6000 euros!
It was overwhelming, i kept crying, i couldn't stop.
I was so alive.
I was in a state I haven't been for such long time, ages ago i felt this connected with life, with mother Earth, with the beauty.
Not because of the number of the euros, but because people showed so much love and so much support in this currency.
in that moment Life was magical and i felt LOVED!
I don't feel loved often, but i did then.
Just writing this opens up the emotion I experienced on that day.
Love and nothing but LOVE.
Healing LOVE!
Love from people to people, from brother to sister, from mother to father, from friend to a friend, from Universe to me. to us all.

Life really made sure to show me one more time why is worth living and recovering.
Life is trying very hard to convince me it is worth trying.
It is almost impossible against my voices, you would know so, the voices destroy Lifes work in less than 5 minutes.

I just don't let go. I hold on that HATE.
I make my self be bitter and all the beauty disappears in no time.
I see nothing it is just me and the darkness.

On Monday i had a break down.
I had the biggest fight with myself .... i have those twice a year and this was last Monday.
I even bit my partner and i kicked him because i was so beyond myself and angry and i wanted to rip my skirt but i couldn't so i attacked him.
So many things lead to that point but his mother was breaking point.
His parents left the day after the wedding, not wanting to spend any time with us.
Maybe she was mad because my partner agreed with his friend from NZ to go surfing for a week and she got upset because of that and just stabbed us in the back, just like that, in your face, so childish, or, she actually thinks she is too good for us. even more lame.
i don't know. but it frustrated me to the point that i lost all my love and respect for them.
they did not give even one bit of theirselves into our wedding,into our celebration. they spent 6 weeks wondering around and out of those 6 weeks they spent 4 days with us.
so disappointing and so sad.

Normal family story if one doesn't have bulimia.
but like this, my voices got new shit to torture me with.
telling me if only i was a better person they would stay and be nicer to us.

his mom has always appear so thoughtful, would write notes and postcards, gave my mom some blessed stones and send gifts to my dad.... etc.... i mean i never trusted her, since very first day i struggle with her because i don't trust her, but on our wedding day they brought nothing. no thoughtfulness.
they gave us a book as present.
i am not saying it isn't good but i am saying i would appreciate more to get hand made bracelet given to me as from my mother in low to me, as welcome to the family......

I cant stay here for much longer because this odd feeling fills my body, doesn't let go.
its screaming; IT is because you are not good enough!!!!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!


But does it really matter??
A woman clearly have some issues screw that. even if she has issues with me, that is her problem.

We are fine. we are family.
That is all that matters.

will i ever let go of selfhate?

it seems like all i have to do is let go.
i am strong enough now and i have toughen up pretty well, so all i have to do is let go and have faith i am good enough too.

sounds so easy but i just don't know how to do it.
i let go for a minute, next minute i hate myself again.
feeling fat and ugly and lame and worthless.

will it ever stop?
does it ever stop?

it is clear to me now that if i wont accept myself for who i am and make peace with myself, my body and my mind i will always look for confirmation with someone else and this shit is exhausting.


Sunday, June 1, 2014

My letter for you

[FROM THE PREVOUS POST]


There is no joy.

Infact, there is. My children at school. Miracle children. Everyday. And you, my lovelies, you who I don't know, but who read my blog and write me nice messages, thanking me for being honest, telling me how much you like my blog, how this is your place to just rest for a bit, where you feel who you are and not lost in this big scary world of eating disorders.
When I started writing blog I actually still believed blogging is very odd and infact stupid. why would someone want to put himself out there, talk personal stuff with the world that doesn't actually exist.

Then I accepted my bulimia diagnosis but I just could not and could not accept the narrow thinking of people and friend around me, telling me I should just jog, eat healthy, deal with my issues on my own.
I was told often people just don't understand.
Yah hell yah, but those who are a bit (too) close to my life should just learn to understand, otherwise get the hell out of my life.
I was told so often this is not how life goes and if I one does not have any experience with ED one cant understand me.
Yah I know, people get you to certain point, up to lets say depression.
Beyond depression and anxiety there is nothing for them, they don't relate to you any more.
Ok, I understand.
But just learn about it.
If you don't try to understand ED then you cant stay in my life.
I am not asking to save me, but just to not shut me down everytime I say I feel fat.
If I have to understand people that they don't get me why people would not try and understand me.
When I say I feel fat I don't need you to say I am not or I should just try some new diet and not eat after 6pm.
Just try to learn to understand what are the possible reasons why I feel fat.
I am not talking about all the people, just those who kind of stick to your life from such and such reason. And don't tell me this is too much to ask. To get a book or make a small research online about what ED is.
At least my experience with people were awful!
Now I am grateful I could get rid of those kind of people. I mean they owe me nothing, but neither do I owe them anything.

SO I thought I could get a bit honest about ED on here where I can remain anonymous.
I thought just few people will   read it but in fact, this blog took off after just few months.
I know it is a good place for you to be, here you don't feel alone, here you can relate, most times. Here you are not judged. At least for me is like this. I don't know if you get my GO FIND HELP message but if you made it up here and can relate to my writing then you know you have problem, which is a good start!!!! Congratulations. Now just take it to the next level.
Often they would tell me they don't wanna go to the rehab because they have no faith, they are hopeless, they have had ED for half of the life.... I mean this is actually like saying you are too dirty to take a bath. Of course you are faithless and know no other life than eating disorder life, but this can only be changed if you go to rehab. then you gradually get faith back and your life is more than just eating disorder. And yes it sucks, but you owe it to yourself!!!
being out there is scary and the would is so mean, so cruel, so cold.
being on those pills sucks and psychiatrists suck or at least it takes good amount of time to find the one you feel comfortable with and even more time to trust the therapist.
It has to be the perfect commination of doctors and outside support to stop lying. this is what I found the hardest. to stop lying.
but I did and it is so liberating.

I know not only anorexic and bulimic people read my blog.
I got few emails from friends and partners asking me how to help their partners/friends and telling me my blog helps them understand their partners/friends mind better.
Which was my initial reason why this blog.

So now I don't know what touches me more.....those who suffer and find help on my blog or those who wanna understand their beloved ones.
I guess it is a whole.

we don't know eachother, yet we are so close.
We know eachother more than we think.

I am not over yet but if you ever feel like talking to someone who knows what you are going trough (at least for me this is always so relieving) flick me an email to recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

you can go on and on and I will not judge. I might be able to give you some advice or be supportive or just be there, on the other side, reading what you got to say.

And remember: BULIMIA/ANOREXIA is NOT your fault!!!

Now tell your all 5 voices in your head to go fuck their selves and see what happens.
let me know.

How did you feel?
Did you feel fine?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you puke?
Did you break down?
....

Let yourself feel.
Whatever it is, it is ok!




..............................................................................................................................................................


Tribute. Poklon.









Overwhelming times


Ok, I need this post.
I must write and pretend I am dealing with myself, although this is just redirecting myself instead of taking time, going into my body and deal with it there.
But I am not in the mood to do it, or at least one of my selves isn't in the mood.

Not going there to figure that out.

But. I has been so hard lately I don't even know anymore whether all of it is just a joke or there is life giving me harder tasks since I have toughen up a bit.

I am having everyday struggles, Nothing major, but it seems like every bit of it is a slap into my face and I simply don't know how to handle it.
I shut myself down and I refuse to feel. So Now I am FAT! Like big time FAT!!
Am I really fat or not, I don't know! Because it feels real. I don't know how I look like.
But one of the voice in my head is telling me I have gained some weight in last few weeks, then another is telling me I was never even smaller shape, then another is telling me those are just emotions glued no my body, then the fourth voice is laughing at me how naïve and vulnerable I am.
It is chaos. It is 7 oclock in the morning and it is chaos in my head and pain and disgust in my body.

Every bit of stress, frustration, anger, anxiety, fear,  euphoria .... that hasn't been dealt with is now glued on my body. Tights the most this time.
I hate my tights.

We are going towards the end of the school year so the work is overwhelming.
Kids are all over the place and we are settling up the schedule for the next year.
Yah, normal life situation. But not if you are afraid of your boss just because he reminds you too much of your father. And this very much the same scary boss is the one who is making a schedule for you for next year. But I don't like the schedule he has for me. Working with kids with special needs (is a blessing. It is the most beautiful mission one could have) is not easy. Working with kids with special needs with no break for 7-8 hours is not good for the kids with special needs...
Full time recovery and part time study is overwhelming, so I asked to work for 6 hours next year, be home by 2pm. My request was not approved.
OK. but the way he did it was nasty. I know it fits into my schedule, because I had seen it before I asked for 6 hours, then he came to me randomly while working with kids and told me it does nto fit into the schedule and that I should know I am earning a lot of money and I would never earn the same in Slovene school, he played a game of me feeling guilty. He needs me there for 8 hours so he can use me at any time. He always uses me for any subbing, duty and other shit. But with me leaving earlier it would give him less time to use me.
It reminds me of my dad when he always wanted me to come up to their place every single weekend although he would never spend more than 10 minutes with me, 7 of those minutes were not quality time at all.  but I needed to be there.
just in case he needs to break down and yell so I am there and he can use me for that, blame me and made me thisnk it is my fault. Just in case him and mom would hate each other on that day so he has someone else to fight with.
I could never understand that, why does he need  me next to him, but I did it every time.
over and over again.
I suffered, I did not want to be there, but I was.
I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends, or after a hour of being out of the house I would get a phone call to come home. both him and my mom were angry with me for not being at home and blaming me and talling me they give so much and I just stab them in the back and I spend no time with them and I don't respect them and if my friends mean more to me I should go to my friends ..... I never understood why they are this way. I was told they are toxic parents, very passive aggressive, obsessive, using me for their filter, but I did not really understand what does that mean.
I enver understood why they don't let me be free????
why they were sooooo obsessed with me???
same feeling I have with my boss. he is so aggressive. he learn my weakness and he is using it. using it well. I always agree into stuff without knowing, then I come home and I hate myself for not saying no, not standing up for myself. I am scared of my own self.
And I have been caught into this web for over a year now. before I didn't even notice but now it is getting out of control. It causes so much ache.
I ahte being at work. I am having panic attacks ever morning and break downs everytime I leave the school. Every time I see him walk around I panic, what did I do wrong??? just like I feel when my father is around.
Being aware of it is harder than you think. it is easier to be just manipulated than being manipulated infront of your won eyes.

I  am getting married in three weeks and I am kinds relaxed but my mom is chocking me.
Everytime we speak she is sooooooo using me for her own emotions. making me feel guilty. her voice is heavy and depressed, sighing all the time and complaining.
I react. I always react.
If I don't react, I hate myself for not reacting and letting her make me feel so guilty but if I tell her off I hate myself for hurting her feelings.
My dad doesn't call me much.
Tday I cried because it is Saturday and I haven't heard from my mom since Thursday, when I told her we are not coming fr a visit this weekend.
Not that I miss her too much, but this very same mother who has a power of making me feel guilty for not keeping intouch ignores me, according to her because she is too busy??
I would say Really you bitch?? if it wasn't about my mother, I cant call her this way, but REALLY?????? what gives you the right to say to me I am such ungrateful child because I am avoiding them and ignoring them and not respecting then and I don't know what else, where you are worst than I ever was???
I get busy too, I get overwhelmed also, I wanna throw my phone somewhere not to see it ever again sometimes also, but I am expected to be there every single time you want me to??????
What gives you the right to treat me this way and FAIL yourself the same time????

I don't know how to handle it? how to live with it? what to do?
Whatever  I do I feel awful!
I hate myself for whatever I do.
Regarding to my boss, my father, my mother and not to mention all those people I kinda call friends.
what the fuck.
I don't know do I have a sign on my forehead saying: feel free to say anything you want about me, to me?
I mean I might be kind of open person and talk about personal stuff but where does this give you a right to say it to my face "You look tired. You are stressed because of wedding. your thighs look bigger in those pants. You are losing weight? what diet are you on? This is not a good decision?

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP?!!!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did not ask you to comment me, I did not ask you to advice me, I did not ask you anything, so control yourself and shut the fuck up!
I really struggle with people. I don't like people.
I hate people.
No-one inspires me.
Like I have one persont hat I find inspiring and my partner.
One plus my partner.
I am So UNHAPPY!!!!!

I am overwhelmed from all those little things I guess called life, but it gets me.
they screw up with me.
they make me stay awake most of  the night or sleep but have night mares.
they make me hate myself and feel fat.
they make me tired.
they make me be unhappy.
I am so unhappy.

I am afraid I will not be able to handle my self for much longer and I will literally punch the next smart ass minding my business or I will give myself a hardcore punch and slip few steps backwards.

People.
I really dislike people.

Yah yah yah I know, if I don't like myself and if I don't find an inspiration in my own self I will never be happy.
but still, people make me sick.

so much.

They are all so narrow minded.
My friends fucking know I am recovering from bulimia and yet they tlak to me about their diets and how they are losing weight and about their exercise plans and that random bullshit, telling me I am losing weight after asking them not to tell me this (WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!) and asking me for the diet tips.
and yet I am expected to remain SANE?????If I snap and say something back I am the weird, unstable one.
but they can all say shit they want????

Everything is coming out.
I am afraid I will not be able to handle my parents at the wedding.
I am afraid I am not strong enough for them. I mean I know I am not strong enough when it comes to my parents but that even my own wedding day wont be my day because of my family drama. I am afraid I will give in.

If I could turn back time I would never tell anyone about the wedding and just do it the way we both wanted ...... but did not do it because we kidn of wanted to keep the families happy.
I would choose to say Screw you, even if we don't talk ever again but I am doing the wedding MY way. with none of you around!

to make it even more sick, my boss and his wife are coming because I was too weak to say no when they (she) invited their selves.
That was before we even knew how our wedding will be but I knew my class will be there, and she asked if she can come too. I was shocked and said yes.
she never forgot about it.
after six months she was still talking about it and I knew I am screwed. I will never tell her not to come. I am too weak.
and here it is, all this shit coming out, chocking me,
I am drowning in this shit.
And it will not stop.

I have to live with it, with my own weakness and my own mistakes. I don't know how.
I am afraid of myself and I have no faith to hold on to right now.
I am faithless and everything seems so dark and hopeless.

I see no joy.
I feel no joy.

There is no joy.

Infact, there is. My children at school. Miracle children. Everyday. And you, my lovelies, you who I don't know, but who read my blog and write me nice messages, thanking me for being honest, telling me how much you like my blog, how this is your place to just rest for a bit, where you feel who you are and not lost in this big scary world of eating disorders.
When I started writing blog I actually still believed blogging is very odd and infact stupid. why would someone want to put himself out there, talk personal stuff with the world that doesn't actually exist.

Then I accepted my bulimia diagnosis but I just could not and could not accept the narrow thinking of people and friend around me, telling me I should just jog, eat healthy, deal with my issues on my own.
I was told often people just don't understand.
Yah hell yah, but those who are a bit (too) close to my life should just learn to understand, otherwise get the hell out of my life.
I was told so often this is not how life goes and if I one does not have any experience with ED one cant understand me.
Yah I know, people get you to certain point, up to lets say depression.
Beyond depression and anxiety there is nothing for them, they don't relate to you any more.
Ok, I understand.
But just learn about it.
If you don't try to understand ED then you cant stay in my life.
I am not asking to save me, but just to not shut me down everytime I say I feel fat.
If I have to understand people that they don't get me why people would not try and understand me.
When I say I feel fat I don't need you to say I am not or I should just try some new diet and not eat after 6pm.
Just try to learn to understand what are the possible reasons why I feel fat.
I am not talking about all the people, just those who kind of stick to your life from such and such reason. And don't tell me this is too much to ask. To get a book or make a small research online about what ED is.
At least my experience with people were awful!
Now I am grateful I could get rid of those kind of people. I mean they owe me nothing, but neither do I owe them anything.

SO I thought I could get a bit honest about ED on here where I can remain anonymous.
I thought just few people will   read it but in fact, this blog took off after just few months.
I know it is a good place for you to be, here you don't feel alone, here you can relate, most times. Here you are not judged. At least for me is like this. I don't know if you get my GO FIND HELP message but if you made it up here and can relate to my writing then you know you have problem, which is a good start!!!! Congratulations. Now just take it to the next level.
Often they would tell me they don't wanna go to the rehab because they have no faith, they are hopeless, they have had ED for half of the life.... I mean this is actually like saying you are too dirty to take a bath. Of course you are faithless and know no other life than eating disorder life, but this can only be changed if you go to rehab. then you gradually get faith back and your life is more than just eating disorder. And yes it sucks, but you owe it to yourself!!!
being out there is scary and the would is so mean, so cruel, so cold.
being on those pills sucks and psychiatrists suck or at least it takes good amount of time to find the one you feel comfortable with and even more time to trust the therapist.
It has to be the perfect commination of doctors and outside support to stop lying. this is what I found the hardest. to stop lying.
but I did and it is so liberating.

I know not only anorexic and bulimic people read my blog.
I got few emails from friends and partners asking me how to help their partners/friends and telling me my blog helps them understand their partners/friends mind better.
Which was my initial reason why this blog.

So now I don't know what touches me more.....those who suffer and find help on my blog or those who wanna understand their beloved ones.
I guess it is a whole.

we don't know eachother, yet we are so close.
We know eachother more than we think.

I am not over yet but if you ever feel like talking to someone who knows what you are going trough (at least for me this is always so relieving) flick me an email to recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

you can go on and on and I will not judge. I might be able to give you some advice or be supportive or just be there, on the other side, reading what you got to say.

And remember: BULIMIA/ANOREXIA is NOT your fault!!!

Now tell your all 5 voices in your head to go fuck their selves and see what happens.
let me know.

How did you feel?
Did you feel fine?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you puke?
Did you break down?
....

Let yourself feel.
Whatever it is, it is ok!