Sunday, September 30, 2012

If I die today...

You know, I have never really felt the seriousness of my illness, tho I was told I might not live more than five years.
 All those years I spent behind four walls, binging and purging, shitting and hating myself, but I  never believed I have a serious issue. I always believed there are people out there suffering much more than me. yah, they are, and they do suffer much more than I do, but the thing is "I SUFFER"!
Also once I was finally diagnosed for eating disorders, I though my condition isnt that bad and there are people out there dealing with even strobger bulimia. Things like this dont happen to average people like myself. noup.
I remember when I searched online about bulimia I came across one link on youtube. there was a lady talking about her experiance and she said: "I lost everything. i lost my hair, my teeth, my job, my houbant and eventually I lost my kids. Get help, you cant beat bulimia on your own!!"
I thouth to myself...what a poor woman, but I dont have such strong bulimia.
Then I finally fot help and after few hours with psychiatrist she said: "you reached the edge of bulimia. it cant get worse, next stage is death! your body is shutting down, there is no one bit of your body in a good condition."
I remember calling my mom after being diagnosed telling her: "they said something like my bulimia is fully developed and my body is shutting down!"
I really didnt know what they are saying, but today, after 16 months of rehab, when I sit here much healtier, I think to myself, how nice it feels to be painfree!! I never knew before, because that was the only way of life I knew. pain pain pain, ache ache ache! I didnt know how it feels to not have a kydney infection for more than three months, now is already my six motnth without any infection. 
Today, when i get to think more sober and when I think about my family, i get very scared. will I be able to have kids? doctors say not really, because of my cancer past and because of the damage bulimia did to my body. they say I will be able to get pregnanat but I will struggle loads to keep the baby.
but I cant think this way. they might br right but it also might be everything ok.
but what I am trying to say is: at this stage of life I really wish I was healthy!
I am happy the way I am and I dont think I will die in four years, I believe I am doing good. 
I am waking up, feeling things, understadnig things. feeling love. being loved and giving love. I appreciate things more. I have blessed job and some of the most maazing friends in my life.
there is another side of this story...it goes like this:
I have some of the most amazing friends in my life, but i dont trust anyone at this point. I appreciate things more, but still dont appreciate myself. I have blessed job, but (there is no but, job is brilliant), I am loved and I give love, but there is so many sleeples nigths doubting and  not loving myself. I am waking up, but part of me is still in a deep sleep. I am feeling things, yah, I do, and I am also feeling shit from some people. I understand things now, yes I really do, but I also understand there are some people not more than jerks. and they are still in my life.
so non of it (apart from job) is more than good, but you know what: If I die today, I'd die happy!!!!!


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Kaj sm pocela dans?
Absolutno nic!!
Zbudila sm se ob 10h, oprala in obesla cunje, zlozila cunje, napisala mail za sluzbo, pojedla zajtrk, se slisala s fantom, se ulegla nazaj v postlo, nardila sendvic za kosilo, gledala supernanny, lezala, pojedla malico, lezala in gledala supernanny, se stusirala, pospravla kuhno, skenslala obisk pri svojih, nardila velik sendvic za vecerjo, skenslala social life, se ulegla, gledala supernanny in zdj je sm se mal zamisla nad sabo.
Ne da ni kul da sm pocivala, ampak ni kul da semi to dogaja ze par vikendou. tut ce ostanem v lublani, ni nc od mene. sicer me ne daje nobena depresija al pa kj, ampak mam veliko zeljo nardit stvari prav, pa koncam ko najvecji lenuh na svetu, cakam da mine dan. nic od mene. ideje ostanejo v glavi, pogledam skoz okno, si mislm, kolk je lepo in kolk disi zuni, bom sla vn, pa dlje od balkona ne pridem.
przigam svece in gledam tist svoj templck, si mislm evo bom sla mediterat/yogerat.... kurac, nc od mene.
Razmislam, zakaj se mi to dogaja, zakaj sm tko apaticna, zakaj samo cakam, da mine cs?
V men se neki dogaja, pa ne vem tocno kaj.
opazila sm, da je moj odnos do hrane v teh dneh tut ful drugacen.
sicer sledim petim obrokom, ampak svojga zelodca ne poslusam. dans sm si kr se en mini sendvic nardila zato ker mi je biu okus dobr, ceprou sm bla po prvem sita. pol pa sploh nevem kolk sm pojedla in kaj sm pojedla, ne jem zdravo in jem sam junke food. in to se takoj pozna tut na mojem mental levelu.
pocutim se umazano in ko kos za smeti. ceprou pomoje nism kolicinsko nc prevec dans pojedla ampak vem da nism jedla tega, kar bi moj telo rabu.
to me jezi.
niti se nism poglobila vase, niti mal. niti vprasala se nism, kaj si zelim in kaj bi rada. vec ko pou dneva sm porabla za samoborbo ker nism hotla k svojim, zrlo me je k pr norcih, nakoncu sm se neki zmisla in si priborila se en dan doma. obcutk je tko shitty, da nc sploh ni pomembn. pateticna sm in samo razmislam o druzini.
in sploh nemorem tega vec uporabit za noben izgovor, ker mi je zdj ze prakticno vse jasno in ja, they make me feel bad, pa verjetno me vedno bodo, ne zaupam jim, ampak se vedno sm jst tista, k podleze tem obcutkom.
tko prazna sm. zdi se mi, k da zamujam lajf. tdougocasena sm. prepricana sm, da me en dolg sprehod v tem popolnem dnevu nebi ubiu ampak me prej prerodil. ampak ne, jst bom raj notr, zadekana in lenuharla.
pol pa vsake tolko pride mimo kaka misel v smislu: sej jutr zutri bom sla pa laufat. al pa prsica debela lena.
za jutr so mi rekl doma da nej pridem na kosilo, prakticno sm rekla ja. ko petnajsletna puncka se obnasam. ne, odlocla sm se da ta vikend ostanem tuki in pika. ampak me zre in zre in zre. in mi unici vse,
ja ful je lahko zvalit vse na druge, vem, tut zdj se zacenjam dobr pocutt samo da se jezim na mami v svoji glavi, ampk vem da sm jst lena.
dans ko sm se tuserala, sm razmislala, kako sm se vedno bala, da bom postala dougocasna za fanta....zdj k sm dokaj kul in k lahko pocnem stvari, evo ne pocnem nc. cez vikend mislm ko mam cs. cez tedn se nekako se dobim na pijaci s kolegom, grem na terapijo in hodim jahat. thats it. z nobenim se prakticno ne druzim.
prejsnji vikend sm se dobila s kolegico in to je to. mogoce spet srecam jutri eno. tko dvakrat na teden vidim se kako drugo zivo duso ki ni povezana z mojo sluzb, zdravljenjem ali jahanjem.
so sad.
in za vse sm kriva sama.
kukr sm po eni strani kao neki teska sama do sebe, sm na drugi strani popolnoma popustljiva in mevzasta.
razn fizicnega pocitka dans nism pridobila nc od dneva. nemir, ki raste v meni, se niti prblizn ni polegu. odgovorov nisem dobila. seveda da ne, ce nikamor nism sla....ne na journey  with my feel in ne na journey with my soul.
tko smzalostna.
sm si ze misla....ma ne, sej je se cel dan jutr.......pol se pa spomnem, da morm it do svojih. tuki mi vse narobe hodi. ce ne grem, mam jutr cist super priloznost, da nardim neki zase. pol bi danasnje lenuharnjenje melo smisu....sm en dan pocivala, en dan raziskovala svet.
ce ne bo ostou sam ta obcutek neke pateticnosti, ker pol je tuki ze pondelk in sm nazaj v sluzbi.
sluzba sm jst in obozujem svoje delo, ampak jst nocem, da je delo vse kar mam!!
vse o cemer lahko govorim. ne!!! tega filma nocem.
ampak ta film mislm da gledam zdj.
prejsn vikend sm bla tut tko ko ta prakticno zaprta v stanovanju, razn vecernega cajckanja s koegico ni blo od mene nc.
groza me je, ko se zavedam tega. strah me je. nocm past v neke apaticne sfere. fuj.
spet samo mislm na to, kolk sm se zredila zdj v teh dneh in kolk sm grdo debela.
smrdim.
sita sm tega vonja v stanovanju, jst bi sla v mesto, med ljudi, na trznico, lepo bi se oblekla in bi sla raziskovat.
tak sm mela plan za danes.
0% od tega nism nardila. cista nula!!!
prou zalostna sm.
in tko neiskrena do sebe. kr mislm da neki blazno spet yogo delam, kurac moj, nastimam si yogamat pa svece przgem pa aprkrat se preklonm, pozdrav soncu in konc. ampak nikakor ne spustim "pa jogo sm delala" kadarkol se s kom pogovarjam.  "u si pridna!" neee nism, sam lazem. vse skup ni blo nc od joge, sam tko mocno si zelim,da bo to lahko rekla in bi blo res. vem, da jogo lahko delas velik bol aktivno, ko j delam jst.
tko hitr padem v te namisljene vorce, kr pozabm na svoj resnicni jaz.
tko, sej zdj so ostale samo se malenkosti, ni vec da se zmislujem vsa dejstva o svojem dnevu, samo zato, ker skruvam resnico. ne! tega sm se lotla. ampak vcasih se se zalotim pri takih majnih lazeh, k sicer ne prerastejo v velike in nimajo neke blazne teze, ampak nocem jih!!!! fuj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nocem jih!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
samo ko sem res iskrena s sabo, lahko funkcioniram, ce ne jst kr zabredem.
ce ne druzga mam slabo vest in se zrem.
dans sm se pomoje tkole zamisla ker sms e spet mami lagala, samo zato, da sm mela izgovor, da ostanem tuk. jst to pol posplosm. do drugih nism (vec) taka. ne obsojajo me in mam moznost bit iskrena. in ce sm zabluzila ceu da sm pac zablouzbila ceu dan. in ce bluzim ze 5 vikendou, bluzim ze pet vikendou. ampak edin tko iskrena slej al prej vidm resnico in udarm po mizi, rascistm stvari in grem dalje. ce ne pa sploh nevem kaj je res in kaj ne in se vrtim v enem pasivnem krogu.
in ja, tko ko sm ze omenla, predvsem hrana zgubi pomen!
zutri pojem zanemarljiv koscek kruha, samo zbasem ga vase in zlijem salco kave vase, za malco ponavad stejem ugrize in merim kolicino, za kosilo se mi zdi da se vedno zredim ker se najem (ceprou jem tut minimalno) ko pa pridem domou pa vcasih kr mal namecem vase. tko nobenga odnosa nimam do hrane zdj ze ene 14 dni.
vsaka stvar k jo dam v usta gre v usta z mislijo "zredila se bom" ... pol mi je pa mal vseen oziroma se ne sekeram, pol se pa kr na enkrat zacnem sekerat...............in to sam zato ker nevem kako sploh jem.
ni fora v tem kolk jes niti tolk v tem kaj jes, ampak v tem kako jes!!
no, pr men je tko!
crap, so sad. so lost.
prou razocarana nad sabo. in vse to goovorim ker se je zame vikend koncou. ce grem jutr na obisk k svojim, ta dan se ne steje. ze vem kako bo. ne bom cutla nc razn jeze in zalosti, zrla bom in pol bom prsla smrdljiva domou, sla spat in v ponedeljek v sluzbo.
:(
zalostna sm.
mislm da je dons prvi vikend, ko sm sploh ostala v lublani. al pa en redkih, zih sm ze kdaj prej.....da so bli moji doma in en na morju. ker ko njih ni doma, ponavadi ostanem tuki, brez slabe vesti.
ampak zdj k so prcakval da bom prsla in sm vsake tri ure poklicala dam e ne bo in se nikol zjasnla, da sm se odlocla, da me ta vikend sploh ne bo, se ne morem znebit neke teze iz ramen.
neka pricakovanja, da bom nardila neki, kar ze v naprej vem da ne bom in ze v naprej razmisljam, kaj bom rekla, da bo zadostn razlog in ne samo "ne da se mi, rabim vikend zase hocem ostat tukaj!"


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Spiritual healing

 Read with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4mi5AJEX9M&feature=related

I feel I am broken a bit.
Week was difficult.
So many challenges shook my confidence and my spirit.
I am feeling incomplete.
Havent slept any good and I can hear the voice in my head: "dear, please, take time for mental and spiritual recovery this weekend. go to the woods, be alone. Go look for yourself. Your soul is sad and it needs you!"
Sleepless night
In the morning, I still felt pretty down.
I recognize someone else inside, it is me. The friend of mine. Trying to help me. Trying to be there for me.
I dont know how to come intouch with that friend. I only feel it and I only know its there, but so far all the tries to hold his hand were not successful.
I struggle.
It is dofferent from all the times before. I really feel different, but still I dont know what to do.
Maybe sleep some more for the biginning?
That could help.
I am thinking lots about my bulimia and about my self hate, about my disrecpetful attitude towards my own self. I am so tough on myself. I dont know where is the line where I can say: "its ok, thats normal you act this way!" I am aming for some perfection again. At the end of the day it is always: "you could have done it better!"
I feel guilty for not giving all of myself to the kids this week, I have been so sick I couldnt, but at the end, I struggle with accepting my good deeds. I dont see them. I feel guilty for whining to my boyfriend last two days. He tells me everything is ok and I didnt cross any line, but how come I dont know that? There is a voice in my head saying: "you shpuld have done it better. You should of have tried harder!"
I am left with that unpleasant feeling of guilt, wondering: "Why I didnt try harder?"
I cant understand myself this week. I know the facts such as I have been sick and I havent slept enough, but those facts are not enough.
Who is talking trough my mind?
I am trying now to let myself make mistakes, let myself fail, let myself not be perfect...but I am here again, feeling guilty for not being perfect.
It is not devastating guilt and I keep on going, but it doesnt let me relex and doesnt let me see the good in my deeds.
I only think of what I did wrong. I am so tired. Emotionaly tired.
I feel like I need to close myself to the dark and quite room for a while.
There are still things I dont understand.
This week I skipped my therapy since I was sick, and I can tell its missing. I have so many questions unanswered and so many emotions unexplained.
I know the theory and I know some of the facts, but it seems like there is an invisble wall between my feelings and reality.
Tho I am trying to reache it so bad, I end up failing.
I promised myself I will dedicate this two days to recover from those negative emotions so I dont wanna go to my parents place.
It makes me sad when I feel weak just to think about not going but they want me to come. My mom asked me on Monday when I am coming I told her I dont know its only Monday but for sure not on friday. period. i didnt wanna explain anything. simply: I am not coming before saturday for sure.
she totally changed her voice and with the disappointed voice and reproachfully voice she said: "oh really. why? do you have any plans?"  I told her: "yes, I am going horse back riding.!" she said: "oh really, ok bye!" and she just hung up.
she left me with that feeling of guilt of course tho I could clearly see what is their part of my illness.
Few weeks ago I came up their place earlier afternoon on saturday and she said: "good girl!"  hm...so if I wouldnt come that early I would be a bad girl???? thats how they treat me.
I understand the whole family situation now and I know I can be as healthy as hell but there will always be in their power to bring me down in any time.
but this weekend I really really really need to heal my spirit up.
I need to protect myself.
I know I will go so down if I go to their place and I really cant affort this.
I am mentally and spritually not strong enough at this point to face them. to face their critsizm, their love, their anything.
I keep listening gto Tracy Chapman and she is so inspiring. She again reminded me about my artist in me. So I decited to keep taking care of  him. I mean him and I have been very close lately but I am not sure I am aware much that this artist is ME. this is my advantage over others. This is who I am.
And this is who I lost this week. 
So I am taking my artist for a date today.

I dont know if am doing right oor wrong. I havent took  much time to ask myself about my emotions, abou what I really want, I havent placed those emotions and actions in the right time: past or present. So everything just flew over me kind of.
My apartment is a mess, doesnt feel like home, but I am cleaning up now.
Everything for my spritually and mental recovery.





When my life gets hard, and when I am my own self's best friend, there is one special song that I actually dedicate to myself, to me as a friend. I want to share it with you all, who struggle with eating dissoreds.
It saved my life so many times in so many ways.
When I hit the ground so hard I wouldnt brreathe, I am sure you know how it feels when you cant breathebecause your bulimia doesnt let you breathe, or because yur mouth are full of food and you cant breathe or your mouth are full of vomit and you cant breathe. or maybe, you cry so hard you cant breathe. The song never worked when I was very very sick, but as I have been befriending with myself, and as i wanted to be there for myself, i found a song and use it when life hurts.
When it hurts so much you could die, big worries take over your mind, but in that point the only important thing is: to breathe. To take another breath. As long as we are breathing, we are alive!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrLEL_hgo






Heal yourself.
You have a power.
Ask yourself what does it have to say and help yourself.
Heal yourself.

Help yourself!















Friday, September 21, 2012

Dealing with emotions: B+

I pronouced myself "bulimia free" last sunday, when by some brutal coincidence I was told my boyfriend cheated on me. I was just like: "no, he didnt!" the person on the other side has been convincing me he did shit, but after one scream "noooooo, please god tell me thats a joke!" I was sure he did not cheat on me. I have faith in him and I know he didnt do it and there was no McJagger telling me: "see, you fat bitch, now u have a proof. he cheated and thats because you are fat and ugly and difficult!" I know he would say that several months ago, these are his words, but not this time, this time he kept quite and the other voice in a back of my had was saying: "cmon girl, you know thats missunderstanding, he didnt cheat. relax!" i did relax but needed to check out with him. he said he never did and I believed him.
Tho I believed, the news got stuck in my body. yah, thistime in my body and not in my head. I felt sick and my stomach was aching, but I won the battle. There was a moment when i called my cousin and asked him to talk to me because I feel so sick I am afraid I will go vomit and I dont want to. At one point I didnt know what to do with myself, I felt so close to just puke the pain out, so I went out, to the ATM to get some money out, tho that day I didnt need any cash. But it worked.
I even called a friend to come for a coffee just to keep me company and I spent normal hour with her.
Just when it got really hard, my boyfriend did something incredible. He chose that will be a moment when he will open up and share his thoughts and emotions with me. I haven't felt so close to him before. we were so connected and strong together, he also told me he loves me with those words for the very first time.
That was big push up for me with a feeling still stuck in my body, and so in every moment when my body screamed a bit, I was able to keep strong and stand up for myself and calm myself down. next day, I stayed at home and did the longest sleep I remember. With two days of enormously long sleep I got to recover pretty well and I kept happy, walking around with the biggest smile and full of energy because I felt so completed. I have beautiful relationship, I am able to handle my feelings and I am myself's friend, who I have never been before.
I thought to myself: "I won the shittiest battle with no binging and no purging, I am free from bulimia!"

Also today is a very sad day for me.
One teacher said one of my kids doesnt progress as fast as we wanted and at first i just listened to her and actually agreed with few of her comments, but at the end of the day I am siting in a dark room alone, trying to realinze why i feel this way. why I am hurt. is it my confidence issue or emotion of saddnes is real.
It is real. I am hurt, my feelings are hurt because I took It personaly, what she said was "you are not working well!" but everyone, including me, believe, I am doing a great job and my kids have progressed more in a month than last year in a whole year. So do your math.
I hate she doesnt understand my kids (special needs) and she doesnt give them any credits. she is so rough with them and has no patience with them. it hurts me. all the other kids can do whatever they want, can disturb the class the way they want but when some of my kids inturrupt a lesson with a laugh or a coment, they get timeout. not fair. just because the other kids are so claver. halo!!!!

I am very sad now and dont know what to do. part of me is upsat and sad and part of me is talking me in to go and talk to her about my feelings tomorrow, which I believe I will actually do.
I need her to know she did hurt me with her comment and she needs to know I am strong enough and I am god damn it good teacher.
Everyone, every single soul in that school and every single parents admire me but her.
she doesnt trust in my skills and its bothers me because she shakes my confidence in my work and its non of her business.

But once again, I didnt hate myself for what she told me, I didnt hate myself for being a bad teacher, I didnt binge I didnt purge, I took time and did some thinking, I needed to realize whether my feelings are real or not.
I think that means I am getting pretty good with dealing with my feelings.
I am more reasonable and I make more sense.
I believe I will talk to that teacher tomorrow, It makes me nervous tho but i need to do this. as she has been thisway to me since beginning. she doesnt take me serious and she never will, but i will prove her she is fucking wrong. I know what am I doing and I have faith in my skills. now back off!!
also this attitude shows me I progressed well with dealing with my emotions.

I am not letting anyone to bring me down again, ever!
No-one has this right!! no-one!!
back off!!

You too, Say NO! Stand up for yourself. you have right to feel, live and be! Your life counts and dont let other people feed their ego with your vulnerability! NO! dont be afraid of who you are. I have been afraid of who I am for whole life, I have been refusing myself, refusing my point, and in a way i still do, i am not completely recovered, but you know what: it is not worth it!! no! fuck it!!be loud, fight!! if you dont, they will eat you and you will die.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

no sign of sound

"yaki, look at thet fat one. fuuuuy, why people dont take care of theirsevs, gros!"
"and now her. she is 59,5 kg but that is way to much, you are the fattest in our comunity."
"you are fat!"
"you are gros!"

Then I woke up. Sweating and crying.
There were people in my dreams calling me fat and gros. I didnt know any of them, but when walking down the street, some guys were yelling after me: "yaki, look at thet fat one. fuuuuy, why people dont take care of theirsevs, gros!"
Then I decided to join the dieting group and they announced me as the fattes among all of the members. I got to slim down to 59,5kg and when they checked my weight they said: "and now her. she is 59,5 kg but that is way to much, you are the fattest in our comunity."
I felt awful and emberased, left alone. All of the members of the group celebrated their success but I was left in a corner, alone and all the people were picking on me, saying: "you are fat!"  "you are gros!"

Then I threw up.

Those were my dreams. My poor mind was attacked by bulimia in my head.
I dont know why I feel so fat these days. Yah, Have been eating more than usually but I dont seem to have any problem with meals at that point, but obviously something is catching up with me.
Bitch! I feel like am fattening and this is still my biggest fear. I am fine when I feel normal size, but as soon as I feel fat, I struggle with everyday activities.

yesterday I made it home from work at noon since I was bitten by a bee and have an alergy and I fell asleep at 230 and slept til 7pm. next morning I woke up from the nightmare at 5am, couldnt sleep so got up at 6 and made myself a coffee. I couldnt stop thinking about my dreams and I kept looking myself in the mirror, looking for a proof that dreams were right. Lifting my shirt on and on and checking out my fat legs.
I was caught in my little world, no sound no warmth and no smell. empty world where only weight matters.
I felt fat but didnt freak out, I was more like a plant in a corner, no life in me. I followed the breakfast and by 10 I was back to bed, still no sign of any life. I fell asleep until 2 pm, got up feeling shit still. made myself lunch and went back to bed. tried to remember which day is it today, what is the time and how am I feeling. No answer and still no sign of life. by 5 I felt a bit bored so went to the grociry store. cleand my apartment a bit and had dinner. sandwich and half of the milka chocolate and plain yogurt. my stomach hurts now. its 8 pm and am back to bed, still no sign of life, no sound in my head and no energy. I just keep checking myself out in the mirror and feeling huuuuuuuge and not pretty.
but I dont know where mcjagger is. is like he sent his younger brother to tourter me while he is away, but his brother dosnt know exactly how the tourtering goes. my luck unlucky day?! poh well I dont know i can tell am feeling pretty alone today.
The only sound I produced during the day was: "dont worry, staying in bed for a day doesnt mean you are dealing with the depression again. its still your day off, and tomorrow so, and back on monday you will make some activity plans. now do nothing and rest."
yesterday i spoke to my mother, she actually woke me up at 7pm from my long nap, and told her I was sleeping. she said: "oh! really! be careful you dont get used to napping everyday!"
whattttttt?? I need sleep. am tired!
what is bad about taking care of yourself? Jeezs, my parent can be so annoying sometimes!

I miss my boyfriend, tho I feel very very calm about our relationship, I love my relationship and it makes me feel complete, but nowdays Im missing his touch and his smell.

I need more sleep!
bye x

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Yes, I wanna LIVE!



Today I thought: "How Lucky I am to still be alive!!!" Was close to death for many times and never actually cared, always believed what is  meant to be is meant to be but today I realized: "I dont wanna die! I am privileged to get re-born, to stay alive! I am STILL alive!!"
Not everyone get this chance!
Some people have to leave for good and life doesnt ask them "Do you still wanna live?" but it did ask me. and I actually didnt say Yes, I said nothing, but today I say YES! fully alive, understanding WHY I actually said yes.
YES LIFE! YES! I Wanna stay alive!!!
I love you!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

bitter-sweet morning thoughts

Dobrodosel september!!!
Kako komaj cakam, da bo konec tega poletja, te norisnice in neke cudne evforije! Komi cakam da se folk mal nakulera in pospravi domov, prezivi mal casa s samim sabo. komi cakam da se narava mal spocije.
no neki tega se je zame zacel zdj, s prvim septembtom. veselim se sprememb, veselim se novega obdobja.
Komaj cakam svojo zlato jesen, globoko cutenje same sebe in narave. Tesko opisem cesa se veselim pravzaprav, ampak ko pride jesen, v mojem telesu igra posebna glasba. nezna je in vesela, in narava plese ob tej glasbi. Toplo je, kljub dezju in hladnim jutrom. Toplo je. V scru je toplo.
veselim se tega, kar bo prineslo zivljenje. mir in ljubezen. romantiko. toplino. zlato glasbo, zlate barve.

Has been a long time since I last felt an excitement and joy in life.
I missed it so bad. I missed enjoying those little things, such as rain and music and nature and laugh....to stop and simply observe the going on around you, and appreciate it.
Nature is so poor now days, so sad and so dry. also theres so much of the garbage lying all around from night before drinking outside and not caring. its awful. beer cans, crisps bags, tobacco empty boxes, plastic cups.... so sad.
People dont care. No-one cares. They all got poisoned by summer-toxic! :(
Another reason why summer is not my fave season.

Summer always makes me feel so lonely.
I dont like summer because my lags are so white and my belly is fat and my arms are ugly and all this need to be shown if you wanna survive the heat. I hate summer because my body is not made to be shown up. Skin is shown, yuky my skin is yuk!
Just hotties outside with super short pants and brown legs and fat belly.......bitches!
im not one of them.
summer sux.
tho everytime I go overseas and its super hot, i dont complain at all. I go with the flow, feel good. odd.

anyways week was insane totally am so exhausted, emotionally and physically. this rainy weekend came up just for me :) so excited about catching up with my own self and my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, needs and wishes. cant wait!

yesterday after the therapy I felt really good. when head back home, it was raining and I opened the window and spread my hand out and caught some raindrops. was amazing. loved the huge storm. I walked int he rain with the smile on my face. glory!
There was a song playing on the radio and I heard it. I felt it. i grooved with it. it was just amazing, there were emotions in my body. last for few minutes but i enjoyed them tho.

I am so happy am feeling more alive now. I am happy I stand up or myself and I am not so afraid of being me. I am me and who cares! I have right to express myself, I have right to feel and dream. I have!
At work, there were few situations when i surprised myself totally. felt so good. really did.
This week, I was proud of myself. I got so many hugs this weeks from my kids, so many compliments from colleges and parnets that my mind indeed got loads of positive affirmations.
There was a boy who celebrated his birthday the other day and had party at home. He invited me for his party. :) I explained him the party is for kids not for teachers and he said: "no no, you just ask my mom when she comes in the afternoon.!" haha so cool, kids inviting me for their bdays. that the biggest reward any teacher can get. :) also there is a girl who is usually pretty arrogant and has awful attitude she made some mess with other girls and others came whine to me: "she doesnt let us play with her!" I told the girls that only her can choose who she will play with and it is her right to choose a playmate or not. than the tough girl said: "yah but am jealous!" some of them asked me what does that mean and I explained and then had a talk with the jealous girl. It was  a big task as am bad with jealousy haha but i told her jealousy is an emotion we all have and it is very natural but at one point she has to understand that the jealousy is an alarm that she doesnt trust herself enough. bla bla bla i dont even remember the whole conversation but it was huge break trough for me....me talking about the jealousy haha I was fully aware at that point that i can change that girls life when make her feel understood .... and so next day, that very arrogant girl came hug me! :D
I felt so amazingly good!!!

I miss my boyfriend so much it hurts. seriously. has been almost 4 weeks since hes gone but still doesnt have internet at his house and it really hurts. when am super busy I kind of handle myself and followw trough, but when some time to think, I get totally frustrated, upset, angry and sad!!! I miss him and my heart hurts, literally! it is not fair that we get a chance to see eachothers face only twice a week. no no no!!!!!!!!!