I know this is BULIMIA, and I am not actually fat......................but I am actually fat!!! Sensations are so real!!!! I feel like i am eating all the fucking time (i am not binging though) but it seems like i eat a little more than usual. i catch myself eating my emotions sometimes, but also i am honestly having a hole in my stomach. but i dont know these days what s normal size of a meal, maybe i am just cutting size of my meals off. i dnt knw but whatever i eat seems so huge!
I am feeling the fattest. like i am gaining weight every minute.
i also see myself UGLY. the ugliest.
I am so sad with this feeling. whenever i go into my emotions and wanna let out bulimia, soon i break down and cry and i cnt go further-deeper into my buried emotions.
last saturday i went out with my friend, i was like little celebraty. everyone wanted to hang out with me, talk to me, dance with me, at one point i had five guys around me, fighting who will "get me" ...random people spoke to me, told me how cool i am, how beautiful i am.....all sorts of compliments. they told me my caracter is very bubbly and great, i should be a movie star. blah blah blah..............my friend was beyond herself.....she couldnt stop pointing out how much attention i get. i never said anything positive, just: that is because they are drunk. that is because they are screwing up with me. that is because they are bored.....
my hyper mode was slowly dying and by 1am i was ready to go home. my friend slept over at my place and before we fell asleep she once again reminded me how everyone admire me.
we fall asleep and i woke up at 5 am, with crazy heart beat and panic attack..............i had a nightmare..........i was dreaming that all those people who gave me all that attention in a previous night, turnd against me. they were yelling i am ugly and fat and that they didnt wanna dance with me and they didnt wanna talk to me because i am a loser and the biggest fat ass with huge fat stomach and ugly face.
dreams were very agressive.
but feelings were real.
i woke up and this was my new reality.
i spent a day believing all the people believe i am a fat useless ass with gross face and dirty personality.
ofcourse with this kind of thinking i soon reached the point when i am not good enough for my boyfriend and he should totally find another woman. all te women at more beautiful than me. they are all more attractive and i am very ugly.
i still believe that.
i am fucking feeling stinky and ugly and fat!
every bitch is skinnier and nicer.
 | ||
| i found this pic on internet and it only represents the size i see myself like at the moment. smaller than i used to see myself though, but anyways. |
I wanna be fucking skinny. whatever that means. i dnt know what does that mean. but i wanna be skinny.
i dont wanna be stick-skinny, no, i wanna be normal.
some friends are concern about my loosing weight, they are afraind i am not eating enough because i have lost some more weight, they tell me i am skinny, but i know i am not.
i am huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i also know i am huge and this is real, i really am huge, because this feeling is so real and it is real because i still have bulimia.
i hate myself badly.
i dont like being me.
i am so stressed out.
i am so exhausted. i work my butt of, i dont have any time for myself. iam tired.
i hate my body and my face!!!!!
on saturday my boyfriend is moving in with me.
i hate who i am.
