The Therapy

Every Tuesday at 6 o'clock I have my therapy.

Lately, I have struggled to attend the therapy. I didn't want to go.
My head was full of excuses.

it is because the therapy have become so hard for me.

it is painful.

All those heavy emotions coming out, fears, jealousy, anger, sadness, hate.
Those are my emotions. Always there, always painful.

I am working with my numbness at the moment.
Fuck that shit. it is scary.

I come there normal, I know where I am and why I am there. I recognize my doctor and I recognize the place.
I start talking.
I hear my voice, and as soon as I hear it, the voice in my head screams: "shuuuuuuuuuuuut up!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shut down instantly.
my body collapses and my face drops.
The sound disappears and so does the smell.
All the sensations are gone.
My body is gone.
I feel nothing.
I am stoned.
I don't care.
Anything could happen.
My fiancée could break up with me or die, I wouldn't care. my therapist could be shot in the head and I wouldn't care.
I don't care. I don't know who I am. my head is absolutely empty. the only sound I hear in my head is the sound of the voice telling me :"its good. fall asleep. its good. fall asleep. cmon. just close your eyes, and go."
I don't want to die. It doesn't tell me to die.
it just tells me to fall asleep.
it pushes me down more and moore, until I get completely small.
I sit hunched in the chair, with empty look, head leaning to the right, and with my hands lifeless in my lap.

Out of the numbness I start laughing out loud. like I am happy. genuinely happy. the laughter lasts few seconds, then I am back to the hunched position, small and numb.

then my therapists asks me :"where are you?"
and  then what happens it I slowly look up and look at her and with a tiny smile on my face I whisper:"i don't know. but its good."
very spooky, and very sick.
OR her voice comes through me and I freak out and I want to respond to her. but I am still nt allowed to move and talk. I whisper, trying to tell her how I am. but the voice in my had is yelling at me: "you bitch, you don't look up!! you are nobody! do you hear me???you are nobody! you have no right to look up!! you are ugly! you are nobody!"
I cry. but I don't look up.
then the therapist leads me through the break down. she asks me where do I feel it?
I tell her the location of the pain. usually it is in my stomach and in a back of my neck.
Once I get the location of my pain and attention to my body, it follows the biggest break down possible.
everything comes out. it is poring emotions. selfhate has been the major one lately.
it is terribly painful. the voices in my head get crazy, calling me names, ordering me to die, telling me I am lame and fucked up, screwed and useless, fat and ugly.

I feel sick and I could vomit. vomit from the pain in my stomach. the pain spreads every-fucking-where. I get million cramps all over my body, headache hits me hard and the muscles are contracting. I cry like theres no tomorrow, my neck is in pain from crying, I scratch my face and pinch my thighs and then the pain  is just  unbearable.

I stop.

I cant any more.
it is too much.

it takes me about 10-15 minutes to come back to reality. I start moving and looking around very slowly. I do recognize the place though, and my therapists face. My head fills up with everyday thoughts, so I know I am alive and in the present.
I slowly relax. but more I am relaxing, the more of an after shock hits me.

I start with my feet. I make sure I feel them. I move my toes. I feel  them. I move up to my calves. once I feel those, I connect them with my feet and move on to my knees. I do the same, I keep doing the same all the way up to the head. then I feel my body in that chair. I am there. I stretch my arms amd my neck.
I walk a bit around the room to feel the movement of my body as well.

then I sti back into chair and have a chat with my therapists. we talk about my condition.
she told me I am doing great, I am progressing well, and that I and my body will be free from all the old emotions one day. it is still a long way until that day, but it sounds promising.

she is a bit worried about my numbness, she says.
so I have to put more effort into monitoring my current states and moods, happening to me. and working on my emotions and going into my body more often and more regular.

sitting there in the chair, in pain, but present.
that doesn't happen often, just after going into my body and letting the emotions out through the body. then I feel this kind of the relief. I feel closer to my self.
I am alright.

I slowly put my coat on and say thank you.
I walk out, I barely stand on my feet, I move very slow and movements are still heavy. but I am present. that is the best gift I can give myself.

I slowly walk home. feeling free and feeling closer to myself, further from selfhate.
it is a promising feeling.

I smile.

I put the music very loud and dance a bit with my broken body.
then I lay down, and sleep.
night is good. I don't have night mares.

and Wednesdays are my favourite days of the week.


ps: Rehab sucks! but it is so promising! do it!

Facing fears

Fear is probably bulimia's middle name.

I fear everything!

I am afraid I am fat. I am afraid I am ugly, lame, worthless, useless, careless, bad, evil, dead.

I fear nobody likes me.

I live every single minute believing no-one likes me because I am not cool, I am not special, I am not alternative enough, because I am annoying.

To be really honest now with myself, I am very alternative. people say I am special and different. well, I am still annoying. but I am annoying because I care.

no! not true. I mean I do care. but I am annoying with messages and emails because I am insecure and I have zero self-esteem.

I fear everyone is better and cooler than me. I am just a lame, boring individual, not really worth anyone's time.

People can say nice things to me, I can see how awesome people I have for my friends, but I always hook myself to the one that is not sure about me or even worst, really doesn't like me.
its all based on bad vibes I am getting from that person. the vibes are real. I trust them.
but instead of not caring and moving on, I sabotage myself.
I sti down in a corner and over-think. I potentiate the problem in my head about 100 times and torture myself. Once in that self-hate mode, nothing, NOTHING comes through me!
My fiancée can love me more than ever, my friends can tell me the nicest things, my kid in Africa can call me mama hundred times, my kids at school can call me the best teacher ever ... but nothing comes through.
It is just me and selfhate.

it first makes me be numb.
I feel nothing.
My mind shuts down, it gets quiet. my mind is empty. I don't have any thoughts in my head. none. my body slowly fades away, along with my mind. I don't feel my body. my entire body is gone. my head drops to the right and I get an empty look. I am gone.






I am gone for quite some time.
then I first feel some pressure in my stomach. it starts small. but soon it gets bigger and stronger. it travels up to my chests. my heart gets crazy and my hands starts sweating.

then I know it is coming soon....a panic attack!
I hate those.

I sit down and I try awake my body. I try to move my feet, but I cant. nor my arms or head. I am blocked. but the heart is pounding and I am felling more and more sick.

at one point, I burst into tears and I break down. I scream and cry. The pain is endless. I properly scream and sweat. it seems like it will never end.
all the fears come out!

they are so real and so painful.
I am so afraid of my own self. of what is coming out.
the worst fears are there and I need to face them. I don't want to face them. but there they are. taking control over everything.

it is my reality for that moment. it hurts.

I am so lonely. it seems so endless.
my head got crazy again. billion thoughts popping out at the same time. it is awful. it is so sick.

my biggest fear is I am not worth anything. that people don't like me. that people hate me bacsue I texted them twice, which makes me annoying. my biggest fear is people are just afraid to tell me in my face they don't want me in their lives. they would if they could.
I fear i am no-body!

it hurts. it hurts until the end.
its controlling me, I am not allowed to turn my head or look up! it is punishing me. it is torturing me. i am not allowed to talk. i have to be quiet and whisper.
i am its victim. bulimia's victim. its hostage.
it doesn't let me go until the end. until i almost give up and i die.

then it lets me go. it releases all the force. all in once. oh my, that hits my body again, its painful. i feel my body and i try to catch some air. it hurts even more. sitting up straight is painful too. moving my legs slowly, because it hurts too much.
i move my head left and right and now i recognize the place. i know where i am. i understand the time. i know what happened.

i survived.
but i am in such pain i just want to lay down and sleep.

I am beaten. I bruise. I feel the weight of my entire body. it is so so so heavy. not 'fat' heavy, but really heavy. its like am stoned or drunk.


Last week I dreamed three times the same dream.
It was about a lady I work with. Her and I have funny relationship. we look like we are getting along very well and like we are real friends, but it turned out we are not.
it is hard for me to accept it so i let her twist me around any time. not that she does anything on purpose, it is just that she would do things that hurt me and i buy it. it ruins my mood, my day and my nights.
She would never say anything, but it is obvious that we aren't as good friends as I thought. and those hurt me the most... when i think i have a special friendship with a person, and it turns out i am mistaken. i hade few this kind, and it is hard to get over them.
So, in my dreams she always yelled at me and called me names. she was yelling at me I am no-body and not worth her friendship. it was happening every night for three nights, then the forth one i
texted her to check on her. it was pretty friendly message, but i did mention i had dreams about her and the dreams were not pleasant. then after two days she txted me back saying she doesn't get me. we are not that good friends and we don't know each other that well to have dreams like that! what the fuck, of course you know what i am talking about. you know those are my fears. for Christ sake. don't play dumb.

so people like this mess me up completely!
then i don't know what to do and i don't know how to feel and what to be. so i freak out and my bulimia takes advantage of if and drives me nuts.

and instead of saying "screw that" and protect myself for the next time, i have high chances to be all sweet and soft next time she will speak to me...and let her have the access to my at any time.

and all because i think she is cooler that me. what makes her the coolest is that she is loosing weight all the time, shes very skinny now. and she has a baby. so in my world she is stronger than me. so i take the small position and make her big.
but the truth is, she isn't that big. it is all in my head.
she cant be bigger than me if she has no empathy.
her own brother is alcoholic and she doenst understand him, how she will understand me. but she is a social worker, but very narrow minded.

i am tired of over thinking of all this crap.

but it hurts me, it doesn't hurt anyone else.