Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!
It was 2 years ago I believe that I heard for OCD for a very first time. It was when I hosted some couchsurfers from Stated. We spent few days together, all the time and so it was hard to hide the habits from eachother. And so after three days one of the brothers told me: "you are OCD just like my brother."
I was surprised, never heard such thing before so I couldnt help myself not to ask the question I always avoid:
"What is OCD?"
"oh, its obsessive compulsive disorder," he replied.
"Obsessive what?" i asked again.
"you know, its when you try to do things perfectly even tho they have nothing to do with quality of your life! I mean, everytime you get an email and you see (1) you immediately need to open the inbox and get rid of the (1). I noticed that, and that is how my brother is as well," he explained.
my reaction was of course very self protective: "yah sure, I always open the email so I get rid of the (1) sign, and I never understood those people who let their inbox get (41) unread emails. how messy that is. I couldnt live this way, and also when I get a msg I need to open it and reply it straight away."
Since then, i havent thought of the OCD thing that much, it was just something I do and something that MUST be done, otherwise the world will collapse.
I believed OCD means your are checking your emails billion times a day just to make sure there is no number next to the word Inbox. OK, I could totally live with that.
When back at work, I have worked with a boy whos OCD overtook all the limits. He would spend 15 minutes putting his shoes on a perfect place after taking them off, and another 10 minutes to find a perfect position for the sleeve on his jacket. he would snap totally if anyone touched his finger or head by accident, if he would get a wet spot on his pants and after every 15 steps he would stretch his arms and bend his knees.
Yah, he is OCD. and I thought to myself, I am no such thing as OCD.
EVER!!
and nowdays I think: of holy crap!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im freaking OCD to the moon and back!!!
Everytime I eat, I vomit!!
Everytime I pass the mirror or any glass that I can see myself in, I look at it and I lift my shirt up.
Everytime I see someone dieting, I binge.
Everytime someone is in a bad mood, I feel like Im responsible.
Everytime someone turns around, I feel Im ugly.
Everytime Idress up, I check myself in mirror for another 10 times.
Everytime traffic lights turn into green, I need to leave the intersection in a same second.
Its anxiety all the time. and learning mroe about OCD makes me understand that being OCD doesnt only mean putting things in exact order, washing hands billion times because of fearing the infection.... it means that intruder-thoughts take control over you, and you believe if you dont do the exact thing you believe you should, the world will collapse, you are a bad person and you are responsible for all the bad that happens around you.
While ago I made a confession: "I wanna be perfect!"
yes I do. and since then I learned it is not only that I wanna be perfect in a way of looking good, smelling nice, smiling attractive, walking nice, talking with a nice voice, doing interesting things, having a good job bla bla bla all those things that mean I need to become someone else (except the job part).. I have noticed I am very much trying to live perfectly on another daily bases too...for example, I set up few things in the apartment for prople who come visit, but those things actually dont fit to my personality. I have a "note board" on my wall with all the tasks I have to do, with nice printing, with special position so when anyone walks into my apartment sees the board straight away and can think: "oh she is so organized!" but the truth is, I never look at that board, it doesnt make any sense to me, if I dont write what I have to do on my hand, I never know what to do. There are also some mugs, hanging in the kitchen, so when people walk in, they see how I really like those mugs, but the truth is, I never use them I hate them. also there is lots of teas, but i dont drink tea. everything is set up! everything. and I am someone completely different from what you may think when you first see me and walk into my apartment.
I even set up my diary. First, I write my emotions down, after some time I think its too obvious how I felt, so i rip the page and re-write everything with nice small soft printing... just in a case someone comes across with my diary. sick! Looking back, even I am not able to tell how I felt on that and that day. and now, I make myself keep the first version of it, try not to rip it out. its a struggle and I write much less, but its a month now that I havent ripped the page. wip wip
fake. well I always knew am super fake, but never thought it an OCDisorder.
knowing the truth about me helps me lots to think out of the box, to let myself do imperfect things. often, I would experiment with myself and do some things on purpose , I dare myself to do it out of my little box. it works sometimes and I see nothing bad happens if I dont follow my rick rules. world doesnt collapse, boyfriend is still with me, I havent got fired at work, I dont feel sick.... just pushin your limits softly thou, it works.
I did many things without even knowing they are part of the cognitive behavior therapy.
I remember eight months ago I dropped the purging pills and it took me a week of suffering to just produce my first fart. only god knows where the will to resist the pills came from, I dont. After a week I dared myself to do it for one more week, and so after two weeks, I was farting more at the toilet. (not a pleasant topic I know, but bulimia literally destroyed my regular, I was about to have a surgery as I didnt poo on my own for last 10 years, so farting was a huge break trough) ... my mind was screaming: "go take pills, u cant poo. u are getting fat!!!!
but I said: "I dare you, myself, to keep being fat for another week and see if you will die because of all the fat!" and after three weeks, I first time felt like pooping, tho there was no shit out for two more weeks. it took me 6 weeks to make my first, the littlest poo on my own after ages. I remember running out of the toilet and happy told my mom the big news: "I pooped!" it took me another month to get bigger poo out and it needed to be done on exactly same time after exactly same amount of breakfast, after the exactly same amount of coffee every single morning.
Now, after 8 months, my regular is normal.
Thinking back, what has to it with OCD. yah it does, I always believed if I dont empty myself with vomiting and shitting, I am a bad person, world will collapse, everyone will hate me, I will be fatter. Those thoughts were addictive, everyday was a last time. and so I sank deeper and deeper.
and again, I dont know where the will came from, but with this unknown will, I dared myself to try something different, something against my rules.
Thats the part of the CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) ... if you suffer from fear that you will die if get infected by bacterias that are in dirt, you wash your hands crazily, beyond sane sense. and the therapist will give you a task to go dirty for few days, so you face the fact that the world doesnt end if you dont wash your hands, and you dont die from the infection.
We all have intruder thoughts, but normal people are able to shush them away quite quickly, but us, sick OCDs, we make real-real drama out of it. we literally believe ther eis something bad about to happen and we are incharge for it if we dont do it the way we are suppose to do. then we are doing it until we feel its enough, which is never.
OCD and depression go hand in hand with bulimia, they are all very connected and its hard to tell which one came first, whichone is a prime disorder and what are side effects. (using my therapists words)
if only I knew those things before rehab.
Think about the perfection you are aiming for?
there so many of you emailing me telling me: "yah I feel exactly the same, I feel am fat and ugly and I feel I wanna be perfect!" think about it.
you have all the answers.
you do.
just ask yourself: "what has this feeling to do with present now, why its coming out.!?"
Here 's a quote I love the most:
"Painful things come up,
not to ruin our lives,
not to make us miserable,
not to spoil our good time,
They come up
to be healed,
To be embraced in compassion!"
(Book; "There is nothing wrong with you" by Cheri Hubber)
I am highly recommending to all of you who suffer from ED!
And another quote that helps me heaps is: "WHEN FEELING LOST- MAKE SURE YOU GO BACK TO BASICS!"
yah, things like this make you move forward very very slowly, make you stop every five minutes and make you ask yourself: "what?" but its worth it.
Go deep. Dig. Root out the old, plant new plants. Heal yourself! Start now. Every day little bit.
if you are an OCD, who cares. Face it and deal with it!
if you are bulimic, thats alright, just get help and follow trough! dont give up.
if you are depressed, fuck it, ignore the world and take care of yourself.
you come first!
and you have a power inside you to win those struggles. just remember (at least I wish someone would tell me this before rehab) : it takes enormous time and courage!!!! enormous time!!!
Good luck.
It was 2 years ago I believe that I heard for OCD for a very first time. It was when I hosted some couchsurfers from Stated. We spent few days together, all the time and so it was hard to hide the habits from eachother. And so after three days one of the brothers told me: "you are OCD just like my brother."
I was surprised, never heard such thing before so I couldnt help myself not to ask the question I always avoid:
"What is OCD?"
"oh, its obsessive compulsive disorder," he replied.
"Obsessive what?" i asked again.
"you know, its when you try to do things perfectly even tho they have nothing to do with quality of your life! I mean, everytime you get an email and you see (1) you immediately need to open the inbox and get rid of the (1). I noticed that, and that is how my brother is as well," he explained.
my reaction was of course very self protective: "yah sure, I always open the email so I get rid of the (1) sign, and I never understood those people who let their inbox get (41) unread emails. how messy that is. I couldnt live this way, and also when I get a msg I need to open it and reply it straight away."
Since then, i havent thought of the OCD thing that much, it was just something I do and something that MUST be done, otherwise the world will collapse.
I believed OCD means your are checking your emails billion times a day just to make sure there is no number next to the word Inbox. OK, I could totally live with that.
When back at work, I have worked with a boy whos OCD overtook all the limits. He would spend 15 minutes putting his shoes on a perfect place after taking them off, and another 10 minutes to find a perfect position for the sleeve on his jacket. he would snap totally if anyone touched his finger or head by accident, if he would get a wet spot on his pants and after every 15 steps he would stretch his arms and bend his knees.
Yah, he is OCD. and I thought to myself, I am no such thing as OCD.
EVER!!
and nowdays I think: of holy crap!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im freaking OCD to the moon and back!!!
Everytime I eat, I vomit!!
Everytime I pass the mirror or any glass that I can see myself in, I look at it and I lift my shirt up.
Everytime I see someone dieting, I binge.
Everytime someone is in a bad mood, I feel like Im responsible.
Everytime someone turns around, I feel Im ugly.
Everytime Idress up, I check myself in mirror for another 10 times.
Everytime traffic lights turn into green, I need to leave the intersection in a same second.
Its anxiety all the time. and learning mroe about OCD makes me understand that being OCD doesnt only mean putting things in exact order, washing hands billion times because of fearing the infection.... it means that intruder-thoughts take control over you, and you believe if you dont do the exact thing you believe you should, the world will collapse, you are a bad person and you are responsible for all the bad that happens around you.
While ago I made a confession: "I wanna be perfect!"
yes I do. and since then I learned it is not only that I wanna be perfect in a way of looking good, smelling nice, smiling attractive, walking nice, talking with a nice voice, doing interesting things, having a good job bla bla bla all those things that mean I need to become someone else (except the job part).. I have noticed I am very much trying to live perfectly on another daily bases too...for example, I set up few things in the apartment for prople who come visit, but those things actually dont fit to my personality. I have a "note board" on my wall with all the tasks I have to do, with nice printing, with special position so when anyone walks into my apartment sees the board straight away and can think: "oh she is so organized!" but the truth is, I never look at that board, it doesnt make any sense to me, if I dont write what I have to do on my hand, I never know what to do. There are also some mugs, hanging in the kitchen, so when people walk in, they see how I really like those mugs, but the truth is, I never use them I hate them. also there is lots of teas, but i dont drink tea. everything is set up! everything. and I am someone completely different from what you may think when you first see me and walk into my apartment.
I even set up my diary. First, I write my emotions down, after some time I think its too obvious how I felt, so i rip the page and re-write everything with nice small soft printing... just in a case someone comes across with my diary. sick! Looking back, even I am not able to tell how I felt on that and that day. and now, I make myself keep the first version of it, try not to rip it out. its a struggle and I write much less, but its a month now that I havent ripped the page. wip wip
fake. well I always knew am super fake, but never thought it an OCDisorder.
knowing the truth about me helps me lots to think out of the box, to let myself do imperfect things. often, I would experiment with myself and do some things on purpose , I dare myself to do it out of my little box. it works sometimes and I see nothing bad happens if I dont follow my rick rules. world doesnt collapse, boyfriend is still with me, I havent got fired at work, I dont feel sick.... just pushin your limits softly thou, it works.
I did many things without even knowing they are part of the cognitive behavior therapy.
I remember eight months ago I dropped the purging pills and it took me a week of suffering to just produce my first fart. only god knows where the will to resist the pills came from, I dont. After a week I dared myself to do it for one more week, and so after two weeks, I was farting more at the toilet. (not a pleasant topic I know, but bulimia literally destroyed my regular, I was about to have a surgery as I didnt poo on my own for last 10 years, so farting was a huge break trough) ... my mind was screaming: "go take pills, u cant poo. u are getting fat!!!!
but I said: "I dare you, myself, to keep being fat for another week and see if you will die because of all the fat!" and after three weeks, I first time felt like pooping, tho there was no shit out for two more weeks. it took me 6 weeks to make my first, the littlest poo on my own after ages. I remember running out of the toilet and happy told my mom the big news: "I pooped!" it took me another month to get bigger poo out and it needed to be done on exactly same time after exactly same amount of breakfast, after the exactly same amount of coffee every single morning.
Now, after 8 months, my regular is normal.
Thinking back, what has to it with OCD. yah it does, I always believed if I dont empty myself with vomiting and shitting, I am a bad person, world will collapse, everyone will hate me, I will be fatter. Those thoughts were addictive, everyday was a last time. and so I sank deeper and deeper.
and again, I dont know where the will came from, but with this unknown will, I dared myself to try something different, something against my rules.
Thats the part of the CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) ... if you suffer from fear that you will die if get infected by bacterias that are in dirt, you wash your hands crazily, beyond sane sense. and the therapist will give you a task to go dirty for few days, so you face the fact that the world doesnt end if you dont wash your hands, and you dont die from the infection.
We all have intruder thoughts, but normal people are able to shush them away quite quickly, but us, sick OCDs, we make real-real drama out of it. we literally believe ther eis something bad about to happen and we are incharge for it if we dont do it the way we are suppose to do. then we are doing it until we feel its enough, which is never.
OCD and depression go hand in hand with bulimia, they are all very connected and its hard to tell which one came first, whichone is a prime disorder and what are side effects. (using my therapists words)
if only I knew those things before rehab.
Think about the perfection you are aiming for?
there so many of you emailing me telling me: "yah I feel exactly the same, I feel am fat and ugly and I feel I wanna be perfect!" think about it.
you have all the answers.
you do.
just ask yourself: "what has this feeling to do with present now, why its coming out.!?"
Here 's a quote I love the most:
"Painful things come up,
not to ruin our lives,
not to make us miserable,
not to spoil our good time,
They come up
to be healed,
To be embraced in compassion!"
(Book; "There is nothing wrong with you" by Cheri Hubber)
I am highly recommending to all of you who suffer from ED!
And another quote that helps me heaps is: "WHEN FEELING LOST- MAKE SURE YOU GO BACK TO BASICS!"
yah, things like this make you move forward very very slowly, make you stop every five minutes and make you ask yourself: "what?" but its worth it.
Go deep. Dig. Root out the old, plant new plants. Heal yourself! Start now. Every day little bit.
if you are an OCD, who cares. Face it and deal with it!
if you are bulimic, thats alright, just get help and follow trough! dont give up.
if you are depressed, fuck it, ignore the world and take care of yourself.
you come first!
and you have a power inside you to win those struggles. just remember (at least I wish someone would tell me this before rehab) : it takes enormous time and courage!!!! enormous time!!!
Good luck.
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