Monday, April 14, 2014

After shock ..

I am just done with my "go into your body" ..
I cried. I felt. I felt a lot. I cried a lot.

but I don't feel like hanging out with my fiancée  yet. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like letting go of this state so I am writing this post now, to be with my broken and hurt self for a little more.

My therapist tells me once I am done with "going into my body" I should do something else, so now I am thinking of what could I do when I finish this post that has nothing too do with healing.
I might go out for a walk or go cook the dinner.
I might take my fiancée out for a drink and breathe the evening air.

Usually after doing my rehab homework I feel much better because I am more present.
I still spend hours and hours and days and days caught in a selfhate, feeling nothing or feeling nothing but selfhate.
The progress is so slow. it is strong one though and permanent but so slow.
Like I have been recovering now for two years and half and I still struggle big time. I came a long way, I did. I am easier to live with and I make way more sense.
I am more honest and much more present and I do some socializing .. that's the big step for me.
I hate socializing. I simply hate it. I know my true self, my real me doesn't hate it and I am very outgoing and I live my life big, but with this bulimia ... oh boy I hate meeting for a coffee and forsome other occasions. It would happen quite often now that I feel great afterwards, and I would call my fiancée on a way home fully excited "Babe, babe, I loved it. I am feeling alive. I am feeling good>" I am like a little kid being let outside by herself for the first time, feeling like a grown up, although just 12.
I now walk outside and I see the beauty of the nature and I see how beautiful pregnant women are. I do hate them after they deliver that baby because they get fucking skinny in two weeks. skinnier than before. I hate them. I genially hate them. But I like flowers outside and animals and colors and the smell of the air. I call my man telling him" babe babe, the trees are sooooo awesome, look out. Babe babe, they have good strawberries in a supermarket. aah!
that makes me happy-strawberries in a supermarket ha!
I walk streets many times with shoulders back and chin up. I see new perspective.
Always before I would look down, but now I am more proud and more confident. it is obvious.
But it is sooo hard to make it from day to day.
Although it is so much hope in my life now.

I am doing better with my family. I don't hate them that much any more and I don't fear them that much also. They wake up all the emotions with their presence in no time, but if I get to keep the distance, we are actually much better.
Often, on daily bases I hear my parents in my head sabotaging me, telling me I am no good and my ideas sucks and I will never succeed. They are telling me I am too difficult to live with and that because of my character I will end up alone.
They are telling me I am not normal and I am no good.
 I believe those voices. They run my day after day.

Then I go into my body, shut the mind down and let the body speak.
Pain comes out.

Fear. Anger. Doubts. Hate. Jealousy. Disgust. Those are causing sever pain to my body.

Often, the voice in my head would get mental and then I realize that voice is my parents. It is sick they always just cause pain but they never do anything, they sit at the back of my head and laugh. They always laugh at me when I cry and ache.

The voices also don't let me take time for myself. They don't let me go into my body and feel the real shit. They numb me and they laugh at me.

I suck my belly in every single time I should be in my body. I don't know what is going on in the belly, never figured it out, but it yells at me: With the fat belly you are no-one!!!! FAT YOU ARE WORTH NOTHNING!!!

but I can control it to the point where I stop it now .. well, not on a everyday life bases, those blow me and time flies me feeling nothing, but when I actually do the homework, start the "body meditation" then I can finish it also now.
I get myself together.
and what has been happening lately to me is after my "body meditation" I get soooo hungry.
cant wait to come home and eat. I eat guilt free. I eat with joy.

I still have weird relationship with food.
I still eat 5-6 times a day, always eat breakfast at 6.30 - toast,jam,coffee. I struggle with these still, I never let myself eat big breakfast, I make toast pieces as small as possible.
At 9.30 I eat snack. The size of it depends on how much bulimia controls me. SOmetimes it lets me eat just one plain yogurt and sometimes it lets me take good care of myself, I cut carrots, cucumbers ,fruits, yogurt (I try make sure I have one vitamin meal a day and one milky meal a day)
then for lunch at 12.30 I again eat depends on the volume of the voice in my head, but I eat everything, whatever it is. I eat random food, sandwich,potatos, meat,like anything that I have at home. fat, sweet, "fattening" whatever. I eat. Then at 3.30 I eat again, I eat a fruit or milk, or chocolate or cereal... at 6 I eat something small again and at 8 I have my dinner. I always cook and I make sure dinner is enjoyable, I make it colourful but I don't think of how fattening it is. I eat pancakes for dinner, or a proper cooked meal.
I love dinners.
At 9.30 I sleep.
If I don't fall asleep until 11 I get hngry again and then I eat again.
With this schedule I lost about 15 or even more kilos.
So don't be afraid to give it a shot.

There is still a lot of fear when it comes to the food, but sometimes I love cooking and I spend sooooo much time around food, making sure it tastes well, it looks well, I love talking about food with my fiancée and I enjoy it.
yet another time I take I from my own mouth.
tho I learned the food doesn't fatten you....emotions do,
emotions that you eat along fatten you, if you eat what you want and when you want you aint gonna get big.

I don't like skinny girls and I don't like anyone that runs on daily bases or does pilates.

I do yoga again, that's a big news! and am good at it.
I love it because eyogamat is the only place where I get patient with myself.
I do it slow.

now the evening sun is out and I feel alright, so I will finsh writing now, I must make dinner as well..

Go to basics.

Go into your body.
body doesn't lie. your mind does!

peace out.

Sunday, March 23, 2014


I keep struggling with not being present.
I am trying bloody hard to keep myself awake, it is just insane how powerful this current condition is.
I seem to be alive and present, but no, I don't hear anything, I don't see anything, I don't feel anything, I don't recognize places and I don't recognize people and myself.

Being in this condition, I am constantly fat and ugly.
I actually tried to take some shots of myself to post them onhere, but my phonos very bad.
I lost the contact with reality, I again don't know how do I look like.
I am hating my body!


I don't know how I look like, I don't know how fat I am, or how ugly I am, but I am feeling very uncomfortable In my body lately. Not that I ever felt any good in my skin, but it seems like I am puffy and ugly. I find my face odd, and I find my belly big.
I feel unattractive and out of space. I feel like I am gaining weight and that everyone is skinny.

I feel lazy and I feel like I always eat so much. I am ovulating right now, so my apatite is a bit bigger, but I lost a track of how big my meals should be. In my head they are bigger than ever.

I am so afraid.
Afraid of food and myself.


Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Therapy

Every Tuesday at 6 o'clock I have my therapy.

Lately, I have struggled to attend the therapy. I didn't want to go.
My head was full of excuses.

it is because the therapy have become so hard for me.

it is painful.

All those heavy emotions coming out, fears, jealousy, anger, sadness, hate.
Those are my emotions. Always there, always painful.

I am working with my numbness at the moment.
Fuck that shit. it is scary.

I come there normal, I know where I am and why I am there. I recognize my doctor and I recognize the place.
I start talking.
I hear my voice, and as soon as I hear it, the voice in my head screams: "shuuuuuuuuuuuut up!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shut down instantly.
my body collapses and my face drops.
The sound disappears and so does the smell.
All the sensations are gone.
My body is gone.
I feel nothing.
I am stoned.
I don't care.
Anything could happen.
My fiancée could break up with me or die, I wouldn't care. my therapist could be shot in the head and I wouldn't care.
I don't care. I don't know who I am. my head is absolutely empty. the only sound I hear in my head is the sound of the voice telling me :"its good. fall asleep. its good. fall asleep. cmon. just close your eyes, and go."
I don't want to die. It doesn't tell me to die.
it just tells me to fall asleep.
it pushes me down more and moore, until I get completely small.
I sit hunched in the chair, with empty look, head leaning to the right, and with my hands lifeless in my lap.

Out of the numbness I start laughing out loud. like I am happy. genuinely happy. the laughter lasts few seconds, then I am back to the hunched position, small and numb.

then my therapists asks me :"where are you?"
and  then what happens it I slowly look up and look at her and with a tiny smile on my face I whisper:"i don't know. but its good."
very spooky, and very sick.
OR her voice comes through me and I freak out and I want to respond to her. but I am still nt allowed to move and talk. I whisper, trying to tell her how I am. but the voice in my had is yelling at me: "you bitch, you don't look up!! you are nobody! do you hear me???you are nobody! you have no right to look up!! you are ugly! you are nobody!"
I cry. but I don't look up.
then the therapist leads me through the break down. she asks me where do I feel it?
I tell her the location of the pain. usually it is in my stomach and in a back of my neck.
Once I get the location of my pain and attention to my body, it follows the biggest break down possible.
everything comes out. it is poring emotions. selfhate has been the major one lately.
it is terribly painful. the voices in my head get crazy, calling me names, ordering me to die, telling me I am lame and fucked up, screwed and useless, fat and ugly.

I feel sick and I could vomit. vomit from the pain in my stomach. the pain spreads every-fucking-where. I get million cramps all over my body, headache hits me hard and the muscles are contracting. I cry like theres no tomorrow, my neck is in pain from crying, I scratch my face and pinch my thighs and then the pain  is just  unbearable.

I stop.

I cant any more.
it is too much.

it takes me about 10-15 minutes to come back to reality. I start moving and looking around very slowly. I do recognize the place though, and my therapists face. My head fills up with everyday thoughts, so I know I am alive and in the present.
I slowly relax. but more I am relaxing, the more of an after shock hits me.

I start with my feet. I make sure I feel them. I move my toes. I feel  them. I move up to my calves. once I feel those, I connect them with my feet and move on to my knees. I do the same, I keep doing the same all the way up to the head. then I feel my body in that chair. I am there. I stretch my arms amd my neck.
I walk a bit around the room to feel the movement of my body as well.

then I sti back into chair and have a chat with my therapists. we talk about my condition.
she told me I am doing great, I am progressing well, and that I and my body will be free from all the old emotions one day. it is still a long way until that day, but it sounds promising.

she is a bit worried about my numbness, she says.
so I have to put more effort into monitoring my current states and moods, happening to me. and working on my emotions and going into my body more often and more regular.

sitting there in the chair, in pain, but present.
that doesn't happen often, just after going into my body and letting the emotions out through the body. then I feel this kind of the relief. I feel closer to my self.
I am alright.

I slowly put my coat on and say thank you.
I walk out, I barely stand on my feet, I move very slow and movements are still heavy. but I am present. that is the best gift I can give myself.

I slowly walk home. feeling free and feeling closer to myself, further from selfhate.
it is a promising feeling.

I smile.

I put the music very loud and dance a bit with my broken body.
then I lay down, and sleep.
night is good. I don't have night mares.

and Wednesdays are my favourite days of the week.

ps: Rehab sucks! but it is so promising! do it!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Facing fears

Fear is probably bulimia's middle name.

I fear everything!

I am afraid I am fat. I am afraid I am ugly, lame, worthless, useless, careless, bad, evil, dead.

I fear nobody likes me.

I live every single minute believing no-one likes me because I am not cool, I am not special, I am not alternative enough, because I am annoying.

To be really honest now with myself, I am very alternative. people say I am special and different. well, I am still annoying. but I am annoying because I care.

no! not true. I mean I do care. but I am annoying with messages and emails because I am insecure and I have zero self-esteem.

I fear everyone is better and cooler than me. I am just a lame, boring individual, not really worth anyone's time.

People can say nice things to me, I can see how awesome people I have for my friends, but I always hook myself to the one that is not sure about me or even worst, really doesn't like me.
its all based on bad vibes I am getting from that person. the vibes are real. I trust them.
but instead of not caring and moving on, I sabotage myself.
I sti down in a corner and over-think. I potentiate the problem in my head about 100 times and torture myself. Once in that self-hate mode, nothing, NOTHING comes through me!
My fiancée can love me more than ever, my friends can tell me the nicest things, my kid in Africa can call me mama hundred times, my kids at school can call me the best teacher ever ... but nothing comes through.
It is just me and selfhate.

it first makes me be numb.
I feel nothing.
My mind shuts down, it gets quiet. my mind is empty. I don't have any thoughts in my head. none. my body slowly fades away, along with my mind. I don't feel my body. my entire body is gone. my head drops to the right and I get an empty look. I am gone.

I am gone for quite some time.
then I first feel some pressure in my stomach. it starts small. but soon it gets bigger and stronger. it travels up to my chests. my heart gets crazy and my hands starts sweating.

then I know it is coming soon....a panic attack!
I hate those.

I sit down and I try awake my body. I try to move my feet, but I cant. nor my arms or head. I am blocked. but the heart is pounding and I am felling more and more sick.

at one point, I burst into tears and I break down. I scream and cry. The pain is endless. I properly scream and sweat. it seems like it will never end.
all the fears come out!

they are so real and so painful.
I am so afraid of my own self. of what is coming out.
the worst fears are there and I need to face them. I don't want to face them. but there they are. taking control over everything.

it is my reality for that moment. it hurts.

I am so lonely. it seems so endless.
my head got crazy again. billion thoughts popping out at the same time. it is awful. it is so sick.

my biggest fear is I am not worth anything. that people don't like me. that people hate me bacsue I texted them twice, which makes me annoying. my biggest fear is people are just afraid to tell me in my face they don't want me in their lives. they would if they could.
I fear i am no-body!

it hurts. it hurts until the end.
its controlling me, I am not allowed to turn my head or look up! it is punishing me. it is torturing me. i am not allowed to talk. i have to be quiet and whisper.
i am its victim. bulimia's victim. its hostage.
it doesn't let me go until the end. until i almost give up and i die.

then it lets me go. it releases all the force. all in once. oh my, that hits my body again, its painful. i feel my body and i try to catch some air. it hurts even more. sitting up straight is painful too. moving my legs slowly, because it hurts too much.
i move my head left and right and now i recognize the place. i know where i am. i understand the time. i know what happened.

i survived.
but i am in such pain i just want to lay down and sleep.

I am beaten. I bruise. I feel the weight of my entire body. it is so so so heavy. not 'fat' heavy, but really heavy. its like am stoned or drunk.

Last week I dreamed three times the same dream.
It was about a lady I work with. Her and I have funny relationship. we look like we are getting along very well and like we are real friends, but it turned out we are not.
it is hard for me to accept it so i let her twist me around any time. not that she does anything on purpose, it is just that she would do things that hurt me and i buy it. it ruins my mood, my day and my nights.
She would never say anything, but it is obvious that we aren't as good friends as I thought. and those hurt me the most... when i think i have a special friendship with a person, and it turns out i am mistaken. i hade few this kind, and it is hard to get over them.
So, in my dreams she always yelled at me and called me names. she was yelling at me I am no-body and not worth her friendship. it was happening every night for three nights, then the forth one i
texted her to check on her. it was pretty friendly message, but i did mention i had dreams about her and the dreams were not pleasant. then after two days she txted me back saying she doesn't get me. we are not that good friends and we don't know each other that well to have dreams like that! what the fuck, of course you know what i am talking about. you know those are my fears. for Christ sake. don't play dumb.

so people like this mess me up completely!
then i don't know what to do and i don't know how to feel and what to be. so i freak out and my bulimia takes advantage of if and drives me nuts.

and instead of saying "screw that" and protect myself for the next time, i have high chances to be all sweet and soft next time she will speak to me...and let her have the access to my at any time.

and all because i think she is cooler that me. what makes her the coolest is that she is loosing weight all the time, shes very skinny now. and she has a baby. so in my world she is stronger than me. so i take the small position and make her big.
but the truth is, she isn't that big. it is all in my head.
she cant be bigger than me if she has no empathy.
her own brother is alcoholic and she doenst understand him, how she will understand me. but she is a social worker, but very narrow minded.

i am tired of over thinking of all this crap.

but it hurts me, it doesn't hurt anyone else.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Just for one day, I want to be free. Free from selfhate!

I don't really understand my situation.
I am filled with some unknown emotion.
I am stuck at my parents place.
I am so broken. The worst part is that this place sucked all the energy out of me and I cant go back home. it seems so impossible. it seems like its nt a good idea.
my entire body is filled with this stupid emotion that is keeping me up here.
I planed on going back home yesterday, then rescheduled it on today, now we are suppose to g bck home tomorrow.

I wrapped myself into my own bubble, I don't hear and I don't see.
but so much is coming through anyway.

I hate all that commenting. My mom comment each and every move she makes.
she is asking some ridiculous questions such as: "don't you think your fiancée is going to be cold outside?" what the fuck is that about???
my fiancée is 29 and I have all my faith in him that he is responsible for his own warmth and comfort.

more comments like: "so, now I am going to cook." .............. "now I will leave this to cook." ........... "can you clean up the house after your breakfast?" "are you studying?" [while I study]   "are you hungry?"
and on and on and on.......yes, she is a mother. most mothers do that. but shut the fuck up and do stuff with less talking. I don't really care!!!!!!!!!!!!

so insecure.
she does this because she needed to explain herself always, to my dad.
I am the same sometimes, letting my fiancée know what am I doing ---- while doing it!
it annoys me when I do it also.
but when she does it she just reminds me how toxic relationship she has with my dad and she does the same to me.

today my dad left to seaside,  so I thought it will be a bit more relaxed in the house. but it isn't.
my dad is usually the one causing all the stress and making us mental.
with him in the house I don't relax. I just stay alert for him if he needs me or if he wants me to do something. I start cleaning up as soon as I see him.
its so sick.
but he left and he took my naughty grandma back to her home...but my brothers girlfriend is very toxic as well especially when shes not in a good mood. she can be very bitchy and I always buy it. always. because her attitude is a combination of my mother and my father's attitude. I cant just ignore her. she makes me very nervous, I could slap her in her face sometimes when she behaves like shes diva. but I have no chance, because all family turns against me when I say something against her.
waaaah her voice!!! god help her.

my body is so shut down but yet so sensitive. one louder noise makes me jump up and it frightens me. every little noise of the door or a voice of a person makes me maaaaaaaaad!!!!!

hearing my name nine thousand times a day just drives me mad!

I have zero tolerance to my family.
but I am discovering something else....
if theres anyone....any one... says anthing bad about my family, I get protective.
even my brother is not allowed to say anything against my mom and dad.
I deeply love them.
I cry because I miss them. I suffer because I want to have good relationship with them.


I wrote this, then I suddenly felt guilty for thinking and feeling this way.
I had shower and it didn't help.
I want to be soft, nice, warm and pleasant with my self.... but instead, I am hurting myself with all this selfhate!
my soul is aching. my soul needs some love.

am I really this ugly and this lame? worthless and fat?

people say I am not.
people say I am good, interesting, unique. good looking. fair. honest. bubbly with a good style.
special. nice. la la la ... bla bla bla.....
my mind is set differently.

just for one day, I want to be free.

free from selfhate!

it is eating me alive.

it is making my life be blurry.

theres no point and no feelings, no emotions. just disgust. I don't like myself.

I have kid in Africa, he is calling me "mama". can you imagine, I am someone's mother. Someone believes in me. I am someone's hero.
I speak to him everyday this winter break. He askes me to call him everyday. I love it. I enjoy it! I love my kid more thank anything!!!! but then, my mind makes me think I am pushy. maybe I manipulated with him and if he knew how lame I am, he wouldn't love me.
but that's not true.
Theres my friend staying with the boys in Uganda, and I think she thinks I am lame and weird.

that's not true.
but that's how I live my everydays.

at school where I work I raised 1100 eur for the boys in Africa .. but I think they will not love me for that. it aint good.

it makes me stop and think: why do I do it? to get good feeling from the boys and feel loved or because I love them?

I know I started in a first place because I love them....but it ended up seeking some attention.
I am tired of it.
I need good sleep and reconnect with myself, then I will know. but here at my parents place I am afraid I turn into the worst version of me.

I don't like me (like this).

dear universe. give me strength to go back home tomorrow and find my path, my reason and my purpose.

Thank you, God, for my boy and my finacee.
I love them the most, they are my reasons to be better person.

who am I?

I hate hating myself!

I might not even be that bad.

maybe I am the way my son sees me and the way my partner sees me... the way my best friends see me...?


Thursday, December 26, 2013


with bulimia and screwed up family everyday is the worst day, but theres that magic time twice a year when worst get even more worst, and those are two holidays: Christmas and ester.
now I am dealing with Christmas.

I hate Christmas!

This is the time when the family gets together and we all have days off, which means more unlimited time to fight and hate eachother.

So much tension, so much bad mood, so much nasty words....

and all is happening around food.
that's the only thing that matters in our
no spirit, no kindness, no politeness, no warmth, no love...

eat food and go back to your nest.
less we see eachother more chance there is to not fight.

This years mood killer is my mother.
long face, no patience, pushy all the time, scheduled to the minute for dinner/lunch/breakfast/lunch/dinner/ ... she hates my dad my dad hates her.

she sucks me in with her mood, I cant help myself, I cant ignore it, I never know how to ignore it. she is so bitter and so grumpy.

then theres my grandma, she loves me though, but my mom hates her and so does my dad. I don't know why they even bother bringing her over.
she is an old heavy smoker, so she coughs all the time so much it makes you sick. yucky.
that pisses my mom off and it makes my dad say nasty words to her, like the most primitive person on planet earth. no respect, no love, no politeness.

my brother keeps away with his girlfriend, which I don't blame him for, but I find it unfair that he has all the freedom I have never had.

my dogs cute though, and my fiancée is just so nice to me. I am happy to have him with me this Christmas, he keeps me sane.

the rest of the family is driving me insane.
soooooooo many unneeded stupid comments, so many even stupider questions, such like :" what are you doing?" I hate thisone the most!!!
"where are your slippers?" "why are you serious?" "are you hungry?" "where are you going?" "when are you coming?" on and on and on........................................................................................................
just leave me bloody alone!

the problem is I don't know how to protect myself.
I simply don't. I don't just go out or call a friend and go for a coffee... I have been trained to stick around at all times.

my brothers gone most of the day, but here I am.
absorbing all the shit going on in here.

the most it hurts the hate between my mom and dad.
and the primitive behaving!

that one hurts!

its blurry around me.
I shut down. I down wanna hear. I don't wanna see. I don't wanna speak. I don't wanna smell!

I don't exist!

I am gone!

  I cant listen. I cant take one more comment. one more word. I don't care what you are going to do next. jst do it. don't stress about! just bloody do it. Don't complain. don't comment. be nice. be kind. love. respect. BE WARM!!

You are sucking all of life out of me.. so fast.
hasn't been 24 hours sonce I ve been here, and I am all lost and empty.
I don't exist anymore.

this is not me.

the volume is turned down.

my grandma is the most disgusting person you can meet with the cough of hers.
it is one thing that still comes through the shield of mine.
it shakes me.
it just shook me now.

the rest I don't hear.

I hate every day I am here. they are so lost. they are so broken.
it hurts my soul how broken they are and I know they will die before it crosses their minds to do something about get divorced, change your habits, try something new..

 so broken.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Evil Mirror

Standing infront of the mirror. Always. Everyday. Same spot. Same thing. Same pain. Every day! The evil mirror. I cant take it off the wall, its stuck up there. It hurts me. I don't recognize the image I see in there. the thighs are huge. The face is blurry. Hips are wide. Arms are fat. Skin is yellow. Tired. Eyes unrecognizable. Belly big. Neck short. Hair messy. I covered the mirror with my scarf so I wouldn't see myself. I didn't exist those days. Size of cloths  36. weight unknown, but about 50 kg the most. Feeling: size 44-46, weight 80. Unbeautiful. Evil mirror makes me hate myself. I am so unbeautiful. I see things that aren't there. I see myself fat and ugly. lame and retarded. uncool and boring. not worthy and useless. I go to the therapy every Tuesday. I bring it out. I deal with it. I break down. it hurts like hell. I cry. I go home and fight. I feel alright for a little while. But then I bump into a skinny mother pushing the baby trolley and I wonder how can she be that skinny with few months old child and I am so big with no children. I recognize it is an illusion. but I hate her anyway. then I walk slow. ground myself. move my feet and feel my legs. try and recognize my breath, try to recognize the place. try to recognize who I am. I get myself back and I see a lady with a style. I hate her immediately and I hate myself for being no creative and punish myself for not coming up with such cool ideas how to dress up. I feel lame. then I watch people walk, talk on phones, fight, laugh, drink coffee, wear theirselves high ... and everything slowly gets quite. my heart beat slows down, my moves are almost blurry, my mind is shutting down... smell disappears. sound disappears. my face drops. I am gone. I don't feel. I look around and I don't know where I am. I get lost. I don't remember what brought me there. I don't remember what was I suppose to do and where was I suppose to be. I don't remember who I am. I don't know. I don't feel anything. I don't feel mybody. its spooking me up! Then something wakes me up. or doesn't. depends on a day. sometimes I drift away for few hours, sometimes I recognize my condition after few minutes and I try bring myself back. I know the technique now. Then it frees me.
I feel. I love. I sing. I dance. I hope. I dream. I eat. I laugh. until the moment when I see myself in the evil mirror.. the mirror that reminds me that all the good feelings are just illusion. I am fat and ugly and lame and boring and useless and worthy. I don't eat. I cry. I hate. I scream. I ache. I let it out. I let it go. The I feel the pain. The pain reminds me of my body. I do the technique and bring myself back to the room. I rest. I am free-er than before. I smell again. I hear again. It makes more sense. I am me. I have bulimia. That is alright. It takes time to recover. I am gentle to myself. I make myself cup of tea. I take hot shower and treat my skin well. I brush my hair and my eyes spark. I see hope. I have faith. I sleep well. it is warm. I eat good. I smell coffee. I dress happy. I see the day. I see the sun. I feel the morning. I sing. I bounce. I give. I am alright. then is see the skinny lady. I close. My eyes change. I shiver. My heart beat speeds up. I stare at her thighs, I hear the voice telling me I am fat. I am angry. I hate. I realize I am at work. so I shut myself. put the smile on my face. I don't feel. I find a corner and do the technique. I bring my body back to earth. but I cant eat. I am lost. I play. I act. I go to the therapy. I am scared. I feel nothing. Then I break down. I let myself feel. I feel. I yell. I cry. I let it go. I recover. I shine. then I see the evil mirror again. And I wanna run away from myself. I don't wanna be me.
The battle continues.
I am here, and yet I am lost. I eat, and yet I starve. I laugh, and yet I suffer. I shine, and yet I cry. I love, and yet I hate.

That is the stage I am at at the moment.
Aint shinny, aint dark. and all of it I see.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Friday's confessions

I am feeling like writing because I have been a bit lost lately....and I am hoping on getting some answers while writing....this is probably exactly why my therapist doesn't fancy me writing too much,...because that is refocusing my thoughts ... instead of going into my emotions and see whats really happening there, I am going to distract myself and write some.

I have been feeling lost lately, not sure of who I am and where I belong to.
I have been hating people more than ever in a long time...
I feel so caught in this selfhate. I am obsessed with some pointless stuff...that has nothing to do with my life. the worst bit is I spend so much time on facebook, stocking people and feeling jealous.
I am looking at those yoga teachers with perfect bodies, they do inspire tho, and then I end up doing yoga because I wanna be that perfect.
it is soooo hard, I feel sooo caught.
I am also checking random people out and comparing myself to them, and feeling bad about myself.

Ok, facebook isn't my biggest problem, my head is my biggest problem...I don't give myself any credits. still caught in the selfhate. I think every body is cute with an awesome style and I am lame and ugly. I wish I was someone else. I don't like my face.
today I put myself into a dress size 34 .... thirty fucking four.... and after that I cried how disgustingly fat I am ....

this bulimia is making me miserable.
when I get to eat 5 times a day and food is quality, all is good, I usually don't whine, but as soon as my food gets crappier and I skip meal from some reason, I start freaking out! the other day I had glass of beer and I couldn't stop feeling guilty. woke up in the morning like I killed someone in the night before.

bulimia got a bit more obvious these days because I ve worked hard at work these days and had no time to work on myself so now all is coming out.. my day  has to be very structured, if it isn't then I am all lost (which is most of the time).

while writing this, I checked facebook for about 15 times and checked three unknown women' profile..and I keep sighing...."oh how lucky they are. they are so beautiful and so skinny! if only I was like this....if only I had an interesting face...I am no-one!'

and one of the women I stocked on fb had some African photos on her profile and so I am hating her. I don want her to be involved with Africa, Africa is not for everyone.
anotherone got married and got a baby and she is the skinniest I have seen which makes me the laziest.....and the lamest.instead of doing yoga I munched some dinner and snuggled to bed. lame! wtf?
I dint remember what was with the third one

I cant let go of past. simpy cant.
its hunting me.
people from the past are hunting me.
I think they are all better than me. but it should be that way.

I think I am no cool! :(
I am so 16. gosh!

I am nobody!

If I was somebody, I would do yoga tonight, and I didn't.

I don't know??

I am not feeling alright.

I don't know who I am.

I am not even hating myself right now, I am not feeling anything!

this doesn't even make any sense.
I don't know how I am feeling.

I better go find out.

Monday, November 25, 2013

2 years of recovering...

Last month I completed my second year of rehab.
How do I live after two years of rehab?
well, I most of the time, confused.

I don't binge any more and I don't vomit any more. hooray!!!
I eat 5 times a day, I am 3 sizes smaller than before rehab and I still cry I am fat and ugly.
I have no peace.

I got engaged and currently live in Ljubljana with my finace, and I am full time teacher.
I attend therapy once a week and I see my family once every month.
I don't talk to my mom every day and I hate society.
I still take antidepressant pills and I use facebook to compare myself to some random skinny bitches around the word that I don't even know who they are.

I try practice yoga on regular bases, but I do it more theoretically than practically, which suck!
I do however stay on yogamat around 30 to 45 minutes now, once to twice a week and I am developing muscles and my body looks better than ever before, but my bulimia still calls me "bitch, go do that practice, you fat ass, move that ass and lose some fat!" on days like this   I don't do yoga and you can only imagine how I freak bulimia out. it gets so hard I have proper melt down because of the guilt bulimia causes.
on the other hand I have days when I feel like crying when I only think how just several months ago I tore a yoga mat into pieces and threw one into the window each and everytime I would try and do my sun solution. my ego got mental. I couldn't stay on a yogamat for more than a minute (yes, 60 seconds) ... but the desire of being perfect made me try over and over again...though I would never ever admit this is the reason.

I learned how to bring my lost self down to earth and I learned how to feel my body from the numbness.
I learned consequences if I am not honest with myself.
I don't lie (only when I have to find an excuse why I can not make it out for a coffee or come online to call a friend) ..
I talk more and I laugh more.
I eat healthier and I lost about 15 or 20 kilos.
I cannot stand who I am, but I have ambitions and dreams. I have faith and I am a good teacher. People love me but I don't like spending time with them.

I am jealous all the time and I envy things like new home, new baby, getting married, vacation, weight loss, happiness ... I don't want people to have any of it.
But I am showing signs of freedom, signs of love, empathy and sympathy.

Hate isn't as deep as it used to be. but love still isn't deep enough.
I have days when I don't recognize faces, I don't recognize my partner lying next to me, but I love him more than ever. I fight for him, I persist for him.

I study and I learn, but I feel stupid.

I sing out loud more and I have unique style. I show signs of freedom, but I still cant sleep at night.

I am calmer. Much calmer. I am honest. as honest as ever!
I am earning patience, but I speak my mind. I stand up for myself, then hate myself for standing up for myself.

I am more organized and I am much cleaner. I keep our home clean and I cook well. I pray!
I pray a lot and I count blessings.

I am trying. I am challenging myself. I go out for the sake of my love.
I do things on time. I pay bills. I am saving money.
I shave my legs every time when needed and I talk to strangers.
I plan my future, I dream of being a mom. but I don't want to be a mom because I might fail.
I cannot wait to be a wife, but I don't feel good enough for him!!! its killing me inside!!
 I cannot wait to move into new home.

I wear bikini and I go to the beach. I swim and I walk around with short skirts and without makeup. that is the second biggest success. the firstone is not vomiting.
so I am showing signs of self-esteem.

I am constantly tired.

i take care of my body (health).
I care for my kidney and liver. i don't drink alcohol and I don't eat junk food more than sometimes.
I drink coffee just in mornings and I drink lemonade first thing in the morning.
I eat veges and go out to get some fresh air.

I worry too much.

my haemorrhoids and my kidney start aching instantly when i am stressed.
and I have sever headaches after eating chocolate.

I clean my skin (face + body) with homemade pilling (sugar + olive oil) once a month.

I care more.

I reconnected with some people, but still disliking many of them.

I am doing so much but i am (feeling) lazy in a same time. I find it SOOOO hard to do stuff. like anything..... anything!! (but my work)
i don't feel like doing ANY!!!THING!!!

I dislike all people that do pilates or any other wanna be skinny and beautiful activities. I cant go to yoga studio, because i have panic attacks each and every time i am about to go, because the head is telling me i will be the only fat ass inthere and all the rest will eb skinny and flexible.
it is sabotaging me badly.
but i don't envy my best friend, who happened to be a professional dancer.. hooray for me!!

I still have reaction to certain foods, such as rice, pasta, nutela, pudding, raffaelo ...
I instantly feel like i binged even tho i didn't.
if i see a puke i get crazy and start crying fearing i did it. i instantly loose a connection with reality.

I have blurry image of reality and i have wrong sense for time.

see, telling you, I am so confused. all the time!!

but i am calmer. much calmer.

Go to rehab! it will be hell. it will hurt and it will burn your entire body and your mind.. but just the taste of freedom you is enough to make you fight some more.

Stay beautiful.
we are beautiful.
it is society that is ugly!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

When depression kills!

has been bloody long since I last wrote my blog and the reason is: rehab!
I focused on my rehab only, and my therapist said I redirect my focus when writing blog, instead of going into my body and see what is really the matter, so she suggested to stay away from writing for a while. and so I did.
but today, I have a special reason to write again...

I had a friend, a beautiful soul, good looking, very popular, very easy to like, styley and inspiring.
We met in a primary school when I was 12 and she 11.
We instantly buddied up and remained best friends for many many years. We had lots of mutual friends, and our lives seem to be connected forever, also when we had period when we just couldn't get together and when we would forget about each other, there were always people who we could send our love to one another through.

But the real connection between us, the forever one, was our illness. Our disorders. I suffer from bulimia and she suffered from depression/psychosis. severe depression. and sever bulimia.
self hate, voices in our heads, negativity, anxiety, panic attacks, darkness.... we knew what one is talking about....

just as me, she tried her best to get better.
From psychiatrist hospital to the therapy, from the therapy home, from home back to the hospital, from hospital back home, feel hopeful for some time then back to the dark side.
Never ending story.

We spoke last few days ago, as she struggled and we set up the date. I wanted to check on her today, and I leaned that she passed away!
She didn't make it.
She died!
She is gone!
Depression/psychosis took my beautiful soul away!!

and here I am, feeling numb, and in a same time, I am feeling scared and angry. Anxious and sad.
I tell myself, she will be happy now, she will be in peace. I can understand why she is gone -- because she wanted so!
but in the same time I don't understand why she is gone.
why she couldn't fine strength inside her heart, why she gave in?

I feel her more than anyone, I exactly know what shes been through, because I often feel the same... just let me fall asleep forever.... but on the other hand there is part of me screaming: fight! FIGHT!! Fight for her!!!

What does her death mean? What is the sign?

it hurts.

such un upside down world. what a chaos! beautiful souls die to remind us we are here only temporary, nothing belongs to us, we re in this life as guests.

I believe it is because each of us have its own purpose and mission in this life, my friends mission was to inspire and from now on, to remind us, us who suffer from mental disease,  how serious those illness' are, they take lives! so we better get sober, focus and fight back!



 Link> Heaven Got Another Angel