Friday, July 25, 2014

Food

Bulimia. Food.
You think of bulimia you think of food. Food in or food out. Food is what you think of.
Food is a drug in bulimia. It is the addiction part.

There is statistic that says that average bulimic in 45 minutes eats as much food as a healthy grown up in 3 days!
That was always such scary information for me, but looking back, yes. In one binge I could eat all the food my brother and his partner set up for their weekend away!

I never ate normally. Food woke up all the emotions since I remember. Since I was lets say seven or eight. I remember comparing myself to my size small friend when I was seven(ish). And back then it was different than today, at least for where I grew up, in the village, where diets were never trendy. The village I grew up in is the village you wold imagine when you think of a place in the mountains, 20 minutes drive to some of the civilization, 30 minutes to town. 600 people living in the village, living a village life. Fashion did not make even close to us. Latest died trends never came a bit close to us either. Beauty? Whats that?  Put on your yesterdays hoodie and sweat pants, forget about make up and manicure. The only beauty deed we did were long walks.
I see today 4, 5, 6 year old girls talking about diets, talking about healthy food, worrying about their dessert, bulling their friends who happen to be bigger size than them (not unhealthy big, just bigger comparing to the bully) ... And I know it is all coming from their mothers who worry nothing but about beauty, cellulite, make up, healthy food, diets ..... that is their mothers main topic. It hurts me so much. it breaks my heart when I see how harsh they are on their children and how they are passing on bad habits and how in many cases they plant a seed of an eating disorders. It is sad.
But my life was not like this.
My troubled environment never reached over my family property. I grew up in healthy environment and I was never bullied by my friends or people living in the same village. Never. But what was happening behind my family's gates, that's another story.
My mom ran a hotel and so we always ate very, very good and rich food. My mom was obsessed with diets and so was my dad. They would tell me I am chubby and randomly suggested to go on a diet. My mom and dad have been dieting for the last 20 yeast. My dad is obese and my mom is ok, no need in losing any weight but she still does the crash diets once every two to three months.
My parents were never around. They both worked 12+ hour shifts but then they were around, we were fighting and dieting. That's what I remember from my childhood, not worth mentioning it is still the same way. Just that the fighting grew over the years and they got more and more sick, my dad developed serious mental condition, he suffers from depressesion and   he has huge anger management problems. Those are getting worst and he is getting physical too. He would always abuse us verbally. threatening always to kill us and harm us, but never did anything life threatening though. But he would tell my brother and my mother often that he will kill them. He always said that he will stab them with a knife. He told me quite often he will kill me too. but I was never afraid he will actually do such thing, but I was always afraid he will commit suicide. But now I am at the stage where I am afraid he will hurt my mom. He hurt my mom the other day. He snapped. In a minute time. With me in a house. He grabbed her by her neck. My mom screamed. Now I am afraid. But they are "fine" now. So scary!
but is it really my place to worry about them?
I am done with being abused. I gave a lot of myself to them, to that family to torture me and use me for their own mental problems. I should be done with that!!

However, the environment I grew up in, my family, was never healthy and never will be.
I can stay at my parents place for few hours only.

Here at home, here is a different story.
This is my home. Here I am safe.
Here I can work with myself. here I can let the emotions come out. it is safe enough and then I can deal with them.

Here, here I cook a lovely food and each and every single time I cook and then actually eat my meal enjoying it to bits I am AMAZEEEED!!
I enjoy food more than anything sometimes. I love food.

When I started with the rehab I was told I will soon start eating normally and I was told that there is quite common that recovered bulimics/anorectics become real gurmans. I was just like yah whatever, not me, that's for sure.
I could not picture myself being fine with one meal (out of five that the recovery team was aiming for for me, for us all in  the group) ..
but  soon after a beginning I got one normal meal, then two, then three, then four, then five.
Now, after 3 years of rehab I eat 5 times a day, every day!
When I am out of the balance, I carry my snacks in my purse. I never skip meal (when I skip meal I feel unwell and it wakes up voices still) and now for the last 6 months I started blooming in kitchen. You would not believe but I love cooking, I love smells, I love flavours, I love colors, I love experimenting. I cook everyday!! Every single day! I cook good too!
Cooking turned out to be my passion. My great passion. My brother often invites himself for a dinner just to eat my food. My friends got used to it. They actually ask me to cook for them just because they like it so much. I like what I cook. I like the way it tastes. It is like dancing for me. It is like art. I out so much of myself in cooking and the best bit of it is that this is also how I have a control over the food I eat. I am not obsessed with heathy food and bio and eco food but truth to be told I like to know what I in my meal and with me cooking myself I can control the ingredients and adjust them to my daily mental condition.  
It works for me.
Since therapy I lost about 15 kg with the way I eat, no diets!! Just getting well! and My liver and kidney and blood are saved. I saved them with food. with good regular eating. (and therapies and meds).
I am just trying to encourage you, I guess.
I inspire my own self when I cook well and eat well and enjoy it and when I see how much I benefit.
And I would have never thought I will ever, ever, ever in a history of ever feel that way about food.
When I eat poorly I start feeling fat and disgusting (I feel fat and disgusting anyway, but then way more and way stronger) . The voices are awake, telling me if only I could keep skipping meals I would lose weight. telling me I will get super fat if I finish that meal/.
The worst ones are when I am not hungry at all but it is still my eating time.
Oh boy those are loud. Telling me I am a fat bitch, and now I will be fat because I ate when I didn't need to. I eat one yogurt or a glass of milk. just something. Or one cookie. Something super small but I enver skip meals. It is sooooooooooooooooooooooo hard to do so sometimes but I manage it because now I am well enough to know that no matter how much it hurts now, I will feel better later.
This thinking has happened recently. Few months ago.
This strength came few months ago. Sometimes my husband and I have a date and then we eat junk. we open bag of crisps and eat chicken noughts and drink bear. I hope I don't sound like this is very easy for me....oh boy it isn't. I would still have proper break downs almost every time I try to be so spontaneous and "just live" (I call it "just living") .... it doesn't work easily for me.
But then lately I would have a break down and date with my husband afterwards. And I drink beer with the voices in my head and they threaten me I will get fat with every bite I take and if the voices are very loud then I just have a glass of beer and add some veges or manipulate for a bit, but I don't just quit and stop eating and drinking.
It is a constant fight but somewhere on the way it got manageable. Its inspiring.
It has been happening lately that I would really not want to work with my emotions because the rehab got so difficult but somehow I do it. I make myself do it. I don't know how. I guess after three years of trying somewhere it has to be seen. So I do it. I go into my body. I feel. I make myself feel. I make myself suffer and be with the pain my body is letting out. I observe it. I observe some more. I am with it. Then after the 30 to 45 minutes of my "body pain meditation" (this is how I call it, my therapist tells me just to go into my body) and I am in HUGE, sometimes unbearable pain. I learned to be gentle with myself in those moments. I give myself a break. it takes about 15-30 minutes to get myself together. Sometimes I take shower and that helps. Once I am steady and feeling better, I feel strong and present and guess what: I get HUNGRY!!!
My appetite is beautiful. My cravings are absolutely liberating!!
I am sooooo free!! So free from "You are getting fat! You are fat! Oh my god you will be fat! You are the fattest you have every been! jeezs, look at your thighs, Look at your fat belly. Oh fuck, you so fat! "

I am free from those!
I am free from: "If you eat now you will be worth less. Oh wait, you are worth nothing anyway. She would for sure not eat that, she is strong and you are weak. Oh you stinky piece of shit you are so worth nothing and you are the worst. Comparing to her you are so fat and useless.. She would never do this. Your choices are so lame because you are nobody. She is so much better. You stink...."
I am free from those too!

I let mu husband hold me and touch me.
Kiss me.

My life is hopeful and so, so, so promising!

Everything makes sense in those moments.
Even my suffering.....
My bulimia....oh yah, that one makes the most beautiful sense!

Everything is ok.
Life is ok!
I will be ok!
We will all be ok ...


For about a few months now I have been feeling FAITHFUL!
And this is so liberating.
To have some safe place to go when everthing falls apart because of my bulimia condition. When My head gets the most mental of all times.
It is liberation to have something to go to.....It is my body. It is my "body pain meditation" that brings hope!
Brings appetite too!

It brings one of the most tasteful recipes.

Today for example I made "Natasa curry" for lunch.
This is how I call it.
I take some chicken, 4 pieces lol (three for my husband and one for me)
I used coco oil today.
I grill it quickly for about 8 minutes both sides, then I take it out and use the same oil to  fry some onions and carrots. Then I add some potatoes and cauliflower and fresh tomatoes. add curry and some white wine and let it cook for about 15 minutes for alcohol to evaporate. then I added tomato sauce and let it all boil together and then I add the chicken and let it cook for about 30 to 45 minutes so it gets all very soft.
I made some kus kus with and it was delicious.
Kind of simple but it is a real food and we both loved it.

Leftovers will be my second lunch not at 4 and for dinner I will grab some fresh veges and tuna perhaps. For breakfast I still eat piece of bread with butter and jam/honey and coffee with milk.

yesterday our lunch was home made pizza. also eaten in two pieces. I eat everything. Pizza was made with white flour, tuna, cheese, salami etc.
Now I have a good feeling most of the time for how big my portions are. Some days I just feel like eating more......it takes ages and many many breakdowns to let myself have an extra, but sometimes I win. Some times I have enough of a faith that I have an extra and trust I am not a bad person because it. but this voice is still very present! Oh well.

I never thought I will say so  but Food is so healing.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Natasa G in da house

I am home alone because my husband went surfing to Portugal with his bud from New Zealand.

Surprisingly a lot of people asked how come am fine with this?
Newly married and he just takes off like this.

Yah, we just got married but he hates me, he hates spending time with me, so he took of.
really people?
Don't you think if we did it this way its probably working for us.
now zip it!

I "let" him go because it is rare occasion when I can proof to him how much I really love him.
Bulimia is super selfish illness.
It is all about me me me!
Me struggling. Me suffering. Me breaking down. Me progressing. Me yelling. Me crying. Me feeling insecure. Me not making love. Me therapy. Stay here for me.

As long as I have bulimia, I cant love him selflessly and give him unconditional love.
This is how I know he is the one, because he has so much knowledge about mental health and he is so down to earth he knows how to protect himself.
WHen I lose it, he hugs me and tells me: Babe it is time for you to go into your body. I will go out for a walk and will meet you at home in 30 minutes time. I love you!
He goes.
I deal with my emotions.
Not to mention I lose if for couple of more times, not wanting to be controlled, not wanting to be told what to do. Not wanting to be left alone.
But it is the only way.
Him being removed from the situation gives him a chance to keep calm and like he says, be a good partner. otherwise it gets overwhelming and no matter how patient he is, he could lose it too and start yelling back at me.
According to him and my therapist, this is not the way relationship should work.
Arguments are good and healthy, dealing with the differences, but yelling at eachother and fighting big time it No NO!
I never understood it and I know majority of people don't understand it, but now I know this is true and this is the only way to keep love and respect going.
Otherwise it is just too easy to hate your partner, and many people don't even realize it is not the partner that they hate often is the situation they hate but they are dealing with it in a form of fighting with the partner.
Fighting with partner (By fighting I mean yelling at each other) one takes a right to own the person.
You are my possession and I can do with you whatever I want and I don't care if I hurt you as long as I feel better. This is abuse!
And no-one owns anyone!
NO matter how married you are or how many children you have together, the person does not belong to you!
The other day I spoke to my friend about it and she said: oH ,how don't you lose your mind not fighting with him. that must be boring!
I explained myself (why, I don't know. some people just don't get it) telling her we do have different ideas on daily bases and we discuss about it. SOmetimes calmer sometimes with more passion, I call it arguing (For me arguing and fighting isn't the same. Fighting is the crossed line when you get driven by emotions and you lose respect for another person).
ANd it works with us because we keep ourselves as individuals and we keep respect at all times.
I have no right to use him for his emotional frustration and he has no right to use me for his emotional frustrations.
She said.. Oh that works for you guys, for us that wouldn't work. we just aren't those kind of people. we prefer yelling at eachother and then make up!
Ha! WHat do you mean we are just not this kind of people. Yes you are, we all are, it is the matter of choice!!
Yes, I would prefer yelling at him too, it is much easier than going throught he process like this:
Recognize the situation (I still fail sometimes and don't stop myself)
Step back and leave (The hardest one)
Sit in a quiet place and get back into your body.
Get your attention to your body.
Recognize the emotion that drives you.
Figure out whether the emotion is from your far past or "present".
Feel it.
Be with it.
Let it go.

Yah, hard as shit, yelling is easier.
but yelling is like puking, or taking drugs, or drinking.
It makes you feel better in that moment, but it kills you slowly, and this is how it kills your relationship.
Then people cheat each other. Divorce. cause more problems. ruin more lives.
People don't use their brain.

I am no relationship expert, but I do agree now with my partner and my therapist yelling/fighting shouldn't be an option.
and NO, relationship isn't boring this way, it is deeper and more real!

Selflessly love someone is hard.
But it is the only real love.
And me letting him go was rare opportunity when I could be selfless and do it from Love and Love only!
He hasn't been surfing for two years. He is in SLovenia for me so I finish my therapy or at least get more stable. He does shitty job for me so we can stay here. He is selflessly taking all the shit he gets from me/my bulimia.
So I am grateful I got a chance where I could show him I really love him.

It aint easy for me.
After a month of hardcore life where I didn't deal much with bulimia but mostly just put her on hold there is a lot of work to do now.
Alone, so much more harder.
The first day I was very dopy.
I was so shut down I almost killed myself out in a car.
I did not exist. But I slept a lot.
The second day was actually the same, but I felt a bit more and when I felt I was so happy to be married. Then I'd shut down again and not feel anything.
The third day it started.
It was a big battle. I COMPLETELY lost the grip with reality!
I did not know whether I am married or not.
My mind was telling me I am not married and he will never come back.
it is his chance to realize how horrible I am and he will never come back.
I really, really struggled yesterday.
I was so empty I thought I will just die.
I could just die yesterday.
It felt like I could just close my eyes forever.
that is what it tells me..... just close your eyes and sleep. never wake up.
it never tells me to end mylife violently, it puts a soft music on and it just takes me away. so far I believe I will never come back.
No love, anything could happen to my partner, I wouldn't feel it.
no jealousy, no fear, no joy, no tiredness, no hunger, no nothing!
Nothing is there.
I am dead.
Actually GONE!
My therapist tells me this is a dangerous state.
This is the state where I could drift back to binge/purge level from, or do things I would regret.
It scares me too, but it feels good.
It just feels like I could be like this forever.
I would lose my mind and end up in mental hospital, yes, but it is just so relaxing. feeling nothing.

There was a tiny voice telling me: You have to stoop this, Natasa!
But I didn't care. I dint wanna stop it.

Then my friend called and she came visit, and slowly I came back to my body and back to reality.
By the time I went to bed I was feeling better.
I was married again. I was blessed again.
I was strong again.
I had my purpose and I knew my reason.
I even showered. I don't shower when in this state. I hate showers because it made me feel.
but I showered, I washed myself, my face. I was clean. Inside out.
I felt the way I don't feel often.
I felt like everything will be ok....I felt hopeful and faithful!
it is a special feeling.
I felt like humans we are all so beautiful but so many of people toxicated, but even that's ok because people could heal. I felt so hopeful. so strong.
I felt like there will be day when I will feel beautiful and worthy.
I just felt it so deeply!!!
It made me happy!!
I told myself: look, you got stronger. you are recovering well!
just few months ago couldn't take if he would go away for a weekend, it would mess up with me,...I still "let"him go but I experienced huge breakdowns and I lost all the control, where now, I told myself, look at me, I am dealing with it.
It isn't easy. It hurts. it burns. It chokes me. but look, I observe myself. I recognize when I am completely lost and when I am just about to get numb. I recognize it. I can be with it.
Then look at me, I had shower, holy crap I had shower when I hated myself the most. When there was nothing but disgust. I see tomorrow. I feel love. I feel wholeness. I feel the purpose and I have faith everything will be ok. I have faith I will survive.
I am bloated waiting for my period.
The biggest and the fastest trigger of all the triggers......YOUR FAT!!!!!
but not yesterday. when the voice yelled YOUR FAT!! at me, I calmly told him...... I am bloated. and I am too tired to deal with you now so let me go to bed!
I will look better tomorrow after some rest, you will see!
then I told my body: I am sorry for him being so mean. here, have some water. You will look better tomorrow. now lets go to bed!
Somewhere on the way I got stronger.
I still struggle bug time and suffer a lot, but look, I got stronger.

It just feels different.
It still feels like everything is falling apart and nothing makes sense, but there is just that little difference in my body.....I don't know, just  a little bit of faith.
its like new life.

I woke up in a good shape in the morning.
I felt strong and I felt my body!
I felt like today I will do yoga after a month and I will meditate.
I felt like this will be such nice treat for myself.
Of course voices are wild, telling me I haven't been doing yoga for a month now and I suck at yoga now and I have no muscles. and I tell the voices, thats maybe correct but Iw as busy with wedding and end of school, I took month off of yoga. now I am back again.

it kept pulling me away and it succeeded, I lost myself for a while, but in about 30 minutes I came back.
I am now  on the edge, could drift into nothing or chose to live.
I am hoping on living and feeling.

Maybe I am worth living.
Maybe all I have to do is to show my own self my attributes.
So I will put some make up on and express myself.
Yah, maybe I am worth living.

So yah, my name is Natasa.
I am 28. I live in Ljubljana, capital of Slovenia.
I am married.
And this is my face.
NO filters. No make up (mascara) . Just my face now, this moment when I am writing this.
(Do excuse my expression, but I don't do selfies)







Peace.

I got married.

I got married.
A week ago.
So I am a wife now. It feels good.
I feel more complete.

Its slowly getting more obvious but I can feel some.

I am still exhausted though, we had people over for about 10 days, intense hanging out, I lost my routine which sucked but I kind of managed to hold myself together.
The work sucked last days more than ever, it made me sick and it got nasty.
I work for nasty people and I hope this is our last year here.
I don't even wanna go there right now, but it  caused so much stress I vomited.
Not that I made myself vomit, but my stomach simply couldn't take it anymore and I collapsed.

Then my partners parents came, stayed a night and left, then his best friends came and his sister.
a lot of eating outside.
I tried hard to hold myself together.

I had flu and fever of 38 degrees.
I don't know how i functioned but i did.

Saturday I had my hens party and it was good.
No major breakdowns. Just nice girly evening and then hard core party until 8 in the morning, which just toughen up my flu.
Not to stop, we hosted people during the week from New Zealand, i tried to keep sane so i just shut all the voices down, meaning i stopped feeling. That is probably how I made it through big stress, that wasn't even caused by me, my bulimia or my family as i am used to it, but by random not serious people.
The night before wedding was the first night when i was in bed by midnight.

I woke up at 7 next day, in tears because i was so tired.
My stomach couldn't take anything in.
I guess because i was sick and because i was nervous.
at 11.30 am i left my parents place and met my maid of honour at the venue, where we got ready for the wedding at 5.

I tried to eat some soup because i knew i hadn't been eating any for two days and i new i had to eat.
I made myself finish the soup, made me more sick than anything, but i kept it and i think it did me good any way.
at around 3 o'clock i couldn't hide bulimia any more......
I had my first proper panic attack ------ What if i am not beautiful, what if I am not skinny enough, what if i will look fat, what if i am not worth anything?
I don't really know how i managed to get ready, I guess it was my bridesmaid who kept me busy with making my make up, i don't know.

When I was ready, I wasn't happy with the way I looked.
I didn't like my body, my face, my posture, my life......
I was disgusted with my own self, like uncountable times before, but this really wasn't the good time to feel this shitty.

We were in a rush so even my voices didn't have much time to torture me.
I loved my bouquet though. When I saw it it made me cry.
It was so beautiful, everything that i wanted.

From feeling disgusted and feeling nothing I got super emotional, I cried because everything was just so beautiful.
I saw my dad coming closer to the bridge to wait for me and i cried.
I never loved my daddy more that at my wedding.
And my mommy, they were both great!!

Once i was given to my partner, I forgot about everything.
It was just him and me. and i felt GOOD.

I did not care how does my make up look like or how fat do i look  in the dress, i simply did not care.
it was a special feeling i havent felt before.
nothing mattered but him and myself.
I loved being there.
i was very emotional though and I LOVED my flower arrangement.
Silly, i know, but it was one thing i chose myself....flowers, and i was happy with myself.
it was magical!
absolutely magical!!!

People cried. everyone cried. it was very very very emotional wedding and very beautiful.
People working there came to me saying: Thank you for such special wedding, we haven't had such wedding before!
(We got married in one of the fanciest places in Slovenia, it is Titos residence Brdo Pri Kranju, don't ask but worth any money!)

Then, the NIGHTMARE happened.........
People admiring me, my wedding dress and the wedding.
Complimenting me on and on, until It woke up the voices again.
they told me: don't think they are honest, they are just saying this, because you are the bride and that is what people say to the bride, you can be sure they think you are ugly and fat!
I shut myself down. and I stayed shut for another 4 hours, until 11pm.
at that time i couldn't take it anymore.
I decided i will do something bad in order to bring myself back to life, so i had a cigarette , i don't smoke though.
It did not help of course. the only thing that helped was people gone.
when people were gone by 4am, i felt good again.
i set with my friends, 15 of us, and i was happy again.
the crowd was gone.

People loved our wedding though, everyone kept saying this is the new standard for the wedding and that it was like in a fairy tale.

Next day all the people waited for us at my parents place and we had picnic, it was fun. it was relaxing and fun.
I loved being me.
I loved my life and i loved my mom and dad for doing it all for us!!!
I loved my brother and his girlfriend for trying so so so hard to keep all the people who visited from all around the world happy. They were fantastic.

In the evening we opened the gifts and just like it wasn't already enough we got another shock.
People gave us almost 6000 euros!
It was overwhelming, i kept crying, i couldn't stop.
I was so alive.
I was in a state I haven't been for such long time, ages ago i felt this connected with life, with mother Earth, with the beauty.
Not because of the number of the euros, but because people showed so much love and so much support in this currency.
in that moment Life was magical and i felt LOVED!
I don't feel loved often, but i did then.
Just writing this opens up the emotion I experienced on that day.
Love and nothing but LOVE.
Healing LOVE!
Love from people to people, from brother to sister, from mother to father, from friend to a friend, from Universe to me. to us all.

Life really made sure to show me one more time why is worth living and recovering.
Life is trying very hard to convince me it is worth trying.
It is almost impossible against my voices, you would know so, the voices destroy Lifes work in less than 5 minutes.

I just don't let go. I hold on that HATE.
I make my self be bitter and all the beauty disappears in no time.
I see nothing it is just me and the darkness.

On Monday i had a break down.
I had the biggest fight with myself .... i have those twice a year and this was last Monday.
I even bit my partner and i kicked him because i was so beyond myself and angry and i wanted to rip my skirt but i couldn't so i attacked him.
So many things lead to that point but his mother was breaking point.
His parents left the day after the wedding, not wanting to spend any time with us.
Maybe she was mad because my partner agreed with his friend from NZ to go surfing for a week and she got upset because of that and just stabbed us in the back, just like that, in your face, so childish, or, she actually thinks she is too good for us. even more lame.
i don't know. but it frustrated me to the point that i lost all my love and respect for them.
they did not give even one bit of theirselves into our wedding,into our celebration. they spent 6 weeks wondering around and out of those 6 weeks they spent 4 days with us.
so disappointing and so sad.

Normal family story if one doesn't have bulimia.
but like this, my voices got new shit to torture me with.
telling me if only i was a better person they would stay and be nicer to us.

his mom has always appear so thoughtful, would write notes and postcards, gave my mom some blessed stones and send gifts to my dad.... etc.... i mean i never trusted her, since very first day i struggle with her because i don't trust her, but on our wedding day they brought nothing. no thoughtfulness.
they gave us a book as present.
i am not saying it isn't good but i am saying i would appreciate more to get hand made bracelet given to me as from my mother in low to me, as welcome to the family......

I cant stay here for much longer because this odd feeling fills my body, doesn't let go.
its screaming; IT is because you are not good enough!!!!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!


But does it really matter??
A woman clearly have some issues screw that. even if she has issues with me, that is her problem.

We are fine. we are family.
That is all that matters.

will i ever let go of selfhate?

it seems like all i have to do is let go.
i am strong enough now and i have toughen up pretty well, so all i have to do is let go and have faith i am good enough too.

sounds so easy but i just don't know how to do it.
i let go for a minute, next minute i hate myself again.
feeling fat and ugly and lame and worthless.

will it ever stop?
does it ever stop?

it is clear to me now that if i wont accept myself for who i am and make peace with myself, my body and my mind i will always look for confirmation with someone else and this shit is exhausting.


Sunday, June 1, 2014

My letter for you

[FROM THE PREVOUS POST]


There is no joy.

Infact, there is. My children at school. Miracle children. Everyday. And you, my lovelies, you who I don't know, but who read my blog and write me nice messages, thanking me for being honest, telling me how much you like my blog, how this is your place to just rest for a bit, where you feel who you are and not lost in this big scary world of eating disorders.
When I started writing blog I actually still believed blogging is very odd and infact stupid. why would someone want to put himself out there, talk personal stuff with the world that doesn't actually exist.

Then I accepted my bulimia diagnosis but I just could not and could not accept the narrow thinking of people and friend around me, telling me I should just jog, eat healthy, deal with my issues on my own.
I was told often people just don't understand.
Yah hell yah, but those who are a bit (too) close to my life should just learn to understand, otherwise get the hell out of my life.
I was told so often this is not how life goes and if I one does not have any experience with ED one cant understand me.
Yah I know, people get you to certain point, up to lets say depression.
Beyond depression and anxiety there is nothing for them, they don't relate to you any more.
Ok, I understand.
But just learn about it.
If you don't try to understand ED then you cant stay in my life.
I am not asking to save me, but just to not shut me down everytime I say I feel fat.
If I have to understand people that they don't get me why people would not try and understand me.
When I say I feel fat I don't need you to say I am not or I should just try some new diet and not eat after 6pm.
Just try to learn to understand what are the possible reasons why I feel fat.
I am not talking about all the people, just those who kind of stick to your life from such and such reason. And don't tell me this is too much to ask. To get a book or make a small research online about what ED is.
At least my experience with people were awful!
Now I am grateful I could get rid of those kind of people. I mean they owe me nothing, but neither do I owe them anything.

SO I thought I could get a bit honest about ED on here where I can remain anonymous.
I thought just few people will   read it but in fact, this blog took off after just few months.
I know it is a good place for you to be, here you don't feel alone, here you can relate, most times. Here you are not judged. At least for me is like this. I don't know if you get my GO FIND HELP message but if you made it up here and can relate to my writing then you know you have problem, which is a good start!!!! Congratulations. Now just take it to the next level.
Often they would tell me they don't wanna go to the rehab because they have no faith, they are hopeless, they have had ED for half of the life.... I mean this is actually like saying you are too dirty to take a bath. Of course you are faithless and know no other life than eating disorder life, but this can only be changed if you go to rehab. then you gradually get faith back and your life is more than just eating disorder. And yes it sucks, but you owe it to yourself!!!
being out there is scary and the would is so mean, so cruel, so cold.
being on those pills sucks and psychiatrists suck or at least it takes good amount of time to find the one you feel comfortable with and even more time to trust the therapist.
It has to be the perfect commination of doctors and outside support to stop lying. this is what I found the hardest. to stop lying.
but I did and it is so liberating.

I know not only anorexic and bulimic people read my blog.
I got few emails from friends and partners asking me how to help their partners/friends and telling me my blog helps them understand their partners/friends mind better.
Which was my initial reason why this blog.

So now I don't know what touches me more.....those who suffer and find help on my blog or those who wanna understand their beloved ones.
I guess it is a whole.

we don't know eachother, yet we are so close.
We know eachother more than we think.

I am not over yet but if you ever feel like talking to someone who knows what you are going trough (at least for me this is always so relieving) flick me an email to recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

you can go on and on and I will not judge. I might be able to give you some advice or be supportive or just be there, on the other side, reading what you got to say.

And remember: BULIMIA/ANOREXIA is NOT your fault!!!

Now tell your all 5 voices in your head to go fuck their selves and see what happens.
let me know.

How did you feel?
Did you feel fine?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you puke?
Did you break down?
....

Let yourself feel.
Whatever it is, it is ok!




..............................................................................................................................................................


Tribute. Poklon.









Overwhelming times


Ok, I need this post.
I must write and pretend I am dealing with myself, although this is just redirecting myself instead of taking time, going into my body and deal with it there.
But I am not in the mood to do it, or at least one of my selves isn't in the mood.

Not going there to figure that out.

But. I has been so hard lately I don't even know anymore whether all of it is just a joke or there is life giving me harder tasks since I have toughen up a bit.

I am having everyday struggles, Nothing major, but it seems like every bit of it is a slap into my face and I simply don't know how to handle it.
I shut myself down and I refuse to feel. So Now I am FAT! Like big time FAT!!
Am I really fat or not, I don't know! Because it feels real. I don't know how I look like.
But one of the voice in my head is telling me I have gained some weight in last few weeks, then another is telling me I was never even smaller shape, then another is telling me those are just emotions glued no my body, then the fourth voice is laughing at me how naïve and vulnerable I am.
It is chaos. It is 7 oclock in the morning and it is chaos in my head and pain and disgust in my body.

Every bit of stress, frustration, anger, anxiety, fear,  euphoria .... that hasn't been dealt with is now glued on my body. Tights the most this time.
I hate my tights.

We are going towards the end of the school year so the work is overwhelming.
Kids are all over the place and we are settling up the schedule for the next year.
Yah, normal life situation. But not if you are afraid of your boss just because he reminds you too much of your father. And this very much the same scary boss is the one who is making a schedule for you for next year. But I don't like the schedule he has for me. Working with kids with special needs (is a blessing. It is the most beautiful mission one could have) is not easy. Working with kids with special needs with no break for 7-8 hours is not good for the kids with special needs...
Full time recovery and part time study is overwhelming, so I asked to work for 6 hours next year, be home by 2pm. My request was not approved.
OK. but the way he did it was nasty. I know it fits into my schedule, because I had seen it before I asked for 6 hours, then he came to me randomly while working with kids and told me it does nto fit into the schedule and that I should know I am earning a lot of money and I would never earn the same in Slovene school, he played a game of me feeling guilty. He needs me there for 8 hours so he can use me at any time. He always uses me for any subbing, duty and other shit. But with me leaving earlier it would give him less time to use me.
It reminds me of my dad when he always wanted me to come up to their place every single weekend although he would never spend more than 10 minutes with me, 7 of those minutes were not quality time at all.  but I needed to be there.
just in case he needs to break down and yell so I am there and he can use me for that, blame me and made me thisnk it is my fault. Just in case him and mom would hate each other on that day so he has someone else to fight with.
I could never understand that, why does he need  me next to him, but I did it every time.
over and over again.
I suffered, I did not want to be there, but I was.
I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends, or after a hour of being out of the house I would get a phone call to come home. both him and my mom were angry with me for not being at home and blaming me and talling me they give so much and I just stab them in the back and I spend no time with them and I don't respect them and if my friends mean more to me I should go to my friends ..... I never understood why they are this way. I was told they are toxic parents, very passive aggressive, obsessive, using me for their filter, but I did not really understand what does that mean.
I enver understood why they don't let me be free????
why they were sooooo obsessed with me???
same feeling I have with my boss. he is so aggressive. he learn my weakness and he is using it. using it well. I always agree into stuff without knowing, then I come home and I hate myself for not saying no, not standing up for myself. I am scared of my own self.
And I have been caught into this web for over a year now. before I didn't even notice but now it is getting out of control. It causes so much ache.
I ahte being at work. I am having panic attacks ever morning and break downs everytime I leave the school. Every time I see him walk around I panic, what did I do wrong??? just like I feel when my father is around.
Being aware of it is harder than you think. it is easier to be just manipulated than being manipulated infront of your won eyes.

I  am getting married in three weeks and I am kinds relaxed but my mom is chocking me.
Everytime we speak she is sooooooo using me for her own emotions. making me feel guilty. her voice is heavy and depressed, sighing all the time and complaining.
I react. I always react.
If I don't react, I hate myself for not reacting and letting her make me feel so guilty but if I tell her off I hate myself for hurting her feelings.
My dad doesn't call me much.
Tday I cried because it is Saturday and I haven't heard from my mom since Thursday, when I told her we are not coming fr a visit this weekend.
Not that I miss her too much, but this very same mother who has a power of making me feel guilty for not keeping intouch ignores me, according to her because she is too busy??
I would say Really you bitch?? if it wasn't about my mother, I cant call her this way, but REALLY?????? what gives you the right to say to me I am such ungrateful child because I am avoiding them and ignoring them and not respecting then and I don't know what else, where you are worst than I ever was???
I get busy too, I get overwhelmed also, I wanna throw my phone somewhere not to see it ever again sometimes also, but I am expected to be there every single time you want me to??????
What gives you the right to treat me this way and FAIL yourself the same time????

I don't know how to handle it? how to live with it? what to do?
Whatever  I do I feel awful!
I hate myself for whatever I do.
Regarding to my boss, my father, my mother and not to mention all those people I kinda call friends.
what the fuck.
I don't know do I have a sign on my forehead saying: feel free to say anything you want about me, to me?
I mean I might be kind of open person and talk about personal stuff but where does this give you a right to say it to my face "You look tired. You are stressed because of wedding. your thighs look bigger in those pants. You are losing weight? what diet are you on? This is not a good decision?

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP?!!!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did not ask you to comment me, I did not ask you to advice me, I did not ask you anything, so control yourself and shut the fuck up!
I really struggle with people. I don't like people.
I hate people.
No-one inspires me.
Like I have one persont hat I find inspiring and my partner.
One plus my partner.
I am So UNHAPPY!!!!!

I am overwhelmed from all those little things I guess called life, but it gets me.
they screw up with me.
they make me stay awake most of  the night or sleep but have night mares.
they make me hate myself and feel fat.
they make me tired.
they make me be unhappy.
I am so unhappy.

I am afraid I will not be able to handle my self for much longer and I will literally punch the next smart ass minding my business or I will give myself a hardcore punch and slip few steps backwards.

People.
I really dislike people.

Yah yah yah I know, if I don't like myself and if I don't find an inspiration in my own self I will never be happy.
but still, people make me sick.

so much.

They are all so narrow minded.
My friends fucking know I am recovering from bulimia and yet they tlak to me about their diets and how they are losing weight and about their exercise plans and that random bullshit, telling me I am losing weight after asking them not to tell me this (WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!) and asking me for the diet tips.
and yet I am expected to remain SANE?????If I snap and say something back I am the weird, unstable one.
but they can all say shit they want????

Everything is coming out.
I am afraid I will not be able to handle my parents at the wedding.
I am afraid I am not strong enough for them. I mean I know I am not strong enough when it comes to my parents but that even my own wedding day wont be my day because of my family drama. I am afraid I will give in.

If I could turn back time I would never tell anyone about the wedding and just do it the way we both wanted ...... but did not do it because we kidn of wanted to keep the families happy.
I would choose to say Screw you, even if we don't talk ever again but I am doing the wedding MY way. with none of you around!

to make it even more sick, my boss and his wife are coming because I was too weak to say no when they (she) invited their selves.
That was before we even knew how our wedding will be but I knew my class will be there, and she asked if she can come too. I was shocked and said yes.
she never forgot about it.
after six months she was still talking about it and I knew I am screwed. I will never tell her not to come. I am too weak.
and here it is, all this shit coming out, chocking me,
I am drowning in this shit.
And it will not stop.

I have to live with it, with my own weakness and my own mistakes. I don't know how.
I am afraid of myself and I have no faith to hold on to right now.
I am faithless and everything seems so dark and hopeless.

I see no joy.
I feel no joy.

There is no joy.

Infact, there is. My children at school. Miracle children. Everyday. And you, my lovelies, you who I don't know, but who read my blog and write me nice messages, thanking me for being honest, telling me how much you like my blog, how this is your place to just rest for a bit, where you feel who you are and not lost in this big scary world of eating disorders.
When I started writing blog I actually still believed blogging is very odd and infact stupid. why would someone want to put himself out there, talk personal stuff with the world that doesn't actually exist.

Then I accepted my bulimia diagnosis but I just could not and could not accept the narrow thinking of people and friend around me, telling me I should just jog, eat healthy, deal with my issues on my own.
I was told often people just don't understand.
Yah hell yah, but those who are a bit (too) close to my life should just learn to understand, otherwise get the hell out of my life.
I was told so often this is not how life goes and if I one does not have any experience with ED one cant understand me.
Yah I know, people get you to certain point, up to lets say depression.
Beyond depression and anxiety there is nothing for them, they don't relate to you any more.
Ok, I understand.
But just learn about it.
If you don't try to understand ED then you cant stay in my life.
I am not asking to save me, but just to not shut me down everytime I say I feel fat.
If I have to understand people that they don't get me why people would not try and understand me.
When I say I feel fat I don't need you to say I am not or I should just try some new diet and not eat after 6pm.
Just try to learn to understand what are the possible reasons why I feel fat.
I am not talking about all the people, just those who kind of stick to your life from such and such reason. And don't tell me this is too much to ask. To get a book or make a small research online about what ED is.
At least my experience with people were awful!
Now I am grateful I could get rid of those kind of people. I mean they owe me nothing, but neither do I owe them anything.

SO I thought I could get a bit honest about ED on here where I can remain anonymous.
I thought just few people will   read it but in fact, this blog took off after just few months.
I know it is a good place for you to be, here you don't feel alone, here you can relate, most times. Here you are not judged. At least for me is like this. I don't know if you get my GO FIND HELP message but if you made it up here and can relate to my writing then you know you have problem, which is a good start!!!! Congratulations. Now just take it to the next level.
Often they would tell me they don't wanna go to the rehab because they have no faith, they are hopeless, they have had ED for half of the life.... I mean this is actually like saying you are too dirty to take a bath. Of course you are faithless and know no other life than eating disorder life, but this can only be changed if you go to rehab. then you gradually get faith back and your life is more than just eating disorder. And yes it sucks, but you owe it to yourself!!!
being out there is scary and the would is so mean, so cruel, so cold.
being on those pills sucks and psychiatrists suck or at least it takes good amount of time to find the one you feel comfortable with and even more time to trust the therapist.
It has to be the perfect commination of doctors and outside support to stop lying. this is what I found the hardest. to stop lying.
but I did and it is so liberating.

I know not only anorexic and bulimic people read my blog.
I got few emails from friends and partners asking me how to help their partners/friends and telling me my blog helps them understand their partners/friends mind better.
Which was my initial reason why this blog.

So now I don't know what touches me more.....those who suffer and find help on my blog or those who wanna understand their beloved ones.
I guess it is a whole.

we don't know eachother, yet we are so close.
We know eachother more than we think.

I am not over yet but if you ever feel like talking to someone who knows what you are going trough (at least for me this is always so relieving) flick me an email to recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

you can go on and on and I will not judge. I might be able to give you some advice or be supportive or just be there, on the other side, reading what you got to say.

And remember: BULIMIA/ANOREXIA is NOT your fault!!!

Now tell your all 5 voices in your head to go fuck their selves and see what happens.
let me know.

How did you feel?
Did you feel fine?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you puke?
Did you break down?
....

Let yourself feel.
Whatever it is, it is ok!














 


Friday, May 23, 2014

How would the World be if everyone loved their bodies?

I often think of this.
What would happen if we all simply loved our bodies?

I dream of that.
I pray for that.
Not only for myself to accept myself for who I am and for how my body is, but of all of you.

I pray.

So I wanna share this with you.
If nothing else it is a good cry.
At least for me it was. It hit the places that hurt the most.




http://aplus.com/a/this-woman-wants-to-change-how-we-look-at-our-bodies



I will always pray.




Sunday, May 18, 2014

About letting go ..

I am fighting.
Still.
Every day.
Every moment.

There has been countless times when I wanted to give up and just puke. It seemed so easy.

When my bulimia was in the big swing I would puke about 10 times a day and I would take about 10 laxative pills which meant about 30 diarrheas a day, binging kilos and kilos of food or starving myself to the collapse.
Endless pain at the toilet, puking and shitting blood, screaming from the pain. Pilling the skin off the legs, pulling hair of my head, loosing teeth, crying because of the haemorrhoids sticking out of my butt bleeding, choking with my own vomit ....

It was all much easier than rehab.

I wish, just for some short time I could release my pain with vomiting and not with feeling all of it.

I mean, it is not this bad every day, but last few months have been hectic like this.

I am going off the antidepressants. [HOORAY!!!!]
oh boy.
I was ready. I really was ready to free myself from the AD (they were helping my numbness control me for longer) but oh boy.
I did it very slow. Like very, very, slow.
but still. It affected me.
Emotions started pouring out that were shut before.
Thoughts were louder and the opinion was stronger.

Suddenly, I wasn't happy at work, I saw how hypocrite the people are that I haven't seen it before, and it frustrated me so much. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. Why does it bother me so much? What is actually my problem?

I struggled with my family big time again.
Not that it was ever much better but I almost found some peace for few months. My dad didn't spoke to me and my mom cooled down a little bit.
but it all came back over the past three months.
I feel almost hate towards them.

Every single day I would struggle with my dad and my mom in my head.
Feeling caught and tricked.
Screwed and manipulated by my family.

I felt this way before, but now it was different.
Now I have been on a rehab for two years and half. I am different. Same stories got different dimensions.
I felt a lot of hate when I let that emotion come out (through my body).

Therapies were spooky and there was a lot of horror present in my every day.
I felt caught by my father. I couldn't move forward an inch, I felt like I am a hostage.
All his yelling came out. It hurt all over again.
All of my mom's possessing behaviour came out, it was ready to be dealt.

I felt like I am a mistake.
I still feel this way, but I can tell that it is settling slowly.
I need some rest then I will be ready for a new chapter.

I am so disconnected. Still.
This bothers me so much.

Also now, right now, writing this, I am not fully present.
I am aware of writing, and I know I will post this.
I am aware of time. I know In 45 minutes my fiancée is coming home and we will eat, but I am writing all of this from the memory, not from my heart. From my body.

I don't know if you can sense it or not. But it is obvious.
My face is empty and I don't feel all of my body.
I feel my legs and my stomach as I am feeling sick, but my head is not connected to my body and I am not feeling my arms although I am using my hands now.

My partner told me today he feels like I shut myself.
I feel shut down.
I don't want to feel. I don't want to deal with anything.
I am tired.
I wanna sleep. My body is aching. I have been having cramps all over my body for last three days. it is annoying and painful. I am assuming it is because there is shit waiting for me to be ready to deal with it. it wants to come out but I keep shutting it down. I am not ready.
So my body is full of emotions that I have been ignoring and it hurts.

You know that saying: Never trust your mind. Your mind will play tricks on you. Go into your body. Body never lies. Body is smarter than you.

When I was first introduced to the rehab "SHUT YOUR MIND DOWN!! GO INTO YOUR BODY. WHAT IS THERE? WHAT DO YOU FEEL?"
I didn't understand it at all. what crap.
I always thought you are your mind.
And now my therapist is trying to convince me I am not my mind. [????]
I even read a book THE POWER OF NOW sayig exactly the same thing. I did not get it.
I still don't. but I am closer to the truth now.
I am having more faith into that "saying"....
I am trying.
I am giving it a chance.
but it is so freaking hard.

Do things slow. Observe your body. If you hear your mind speak, observe how your body reacts to it.
Feel your body. Be present. Be fully present. Quite your mind. Let the body speak.
All that you ever suffered from and you stuffed it deep down into your body with food and selfhate, or you even believed you flushed it down the toilet everytime you puked....well, it did not go further than from your head to your toes. It is still there. Somewhere in your body, waiting for you to be ready to wake it up, deal with it and let it go.
This let go thing was also very confusing to me..... what does Let go! even mean??
what, I go to the therapy, lets say I manage to shut my mind down, I start feeling my body, I follow the pain, I feel the pain, Soon the emotion comes out, I recognize the emotion, stay with it for some time ................. and then what............................. let it go? and then all will be OK?
it never worked this way for me.
it always kept coming back and back!
I couldn't understand it. I thought I Let it go!
But it did not go. it was still there.
Then I learned things don't go away in 30 minutes of my (hard) work. Nah!
they might need more time.
Some things needs days and days to be completely away.
Some weeks and week. And some even years and years (family).

So I learned patience.
Ok, no, I did not lean patience. I have NO patience and It seems like I have zero tolerance to the patience. But what I did learn is that there is such thing as patience and it is useful.

I use some patience on a yoga mat. Or yoga taught me some patience. I don't know and I don't need to know right now. I think it goes hand in hand.
But Yoga mat is a place where I practice patience. Where I am able to practice patience, I think this is what it is.
I move slow. I breathe. I stop when I have it enough yet I push myself every time I hit the yoga mat.
There is  now word to describe my yoga situation.
I love yoga. I love being a yogi person (whenever I can). I did a lot of yoga when my bulimia was a bit in a stand by mode few years ago. Then bulimia came back and it took my yoga and my dance away. I could never go back to dance again, but I tried to do yoga. it was  a nightmare. I hated it. hated it soooo much. I hated myself on a mat. I hated my heavy body. I hated I could not do asanas as I used to did. Ihated I was out of a breath in no time. I ripped yogamat after yogamat and had loud suicidal thoughts everytime I'd spend more than 3 minutes on a mat. I wanted to die.
In my head I had that idea I will once do my practice again, but reality was anything but promising.
Then My fiancée moved over from New Zealand and he is a patience

-----------
This is me writing after few days.

I am exhausted.
I had a sleepless night.
Woke up at 1.20am from a nightmare then I could not fall asleep at all.
My mind got so busy, all 6 voices in my head worked hard to keep me awake so next time I realized it was 6 o'clock in the morning.

My worries were flipping from bulimic thoughts to the everyday worries such as work.
I worried I am gaining weight each and every minute of my life and I worried I will nt be able to control myself next time I see my boss.
It is heard to deal with job situations, such as dealing with your boss's hypocrite face and disrespect if you don't have strong foundations.
My situation at work is pretty much every day situation, but I struggle big time because I cannot draw a line between I take no more bullshit and I take all the bullshit.
it is hard for me to voice my opinion at work because my boss knows me as someone who struggles with selfesteem and needs a lot of positive affirmations. He knows that so he knows he can manipulate with me. but the thing is I have grown stronger since my first year at work and now it is hard for me to fix my reputation.
It is time for me to change a job I believe.
We are moving to New Zealand next year this time so I guess I can hold on for one more school year.

I visited my parents yesterday. Left the same day.
I felt so guilty.
Leaving my mama and papa.
but if I didn't leave they would eat me alive.
I feel so frugal these days.
My mind is going crazy.
I judge my body same as I judged it back then when bulimia had full control over me.
I am hating my body.
I am doubting in myself.
I am afraid.

I am distanced from my partner whom I am getting married to in a month.
It sux.
I mean being detached not getting married.
I cant make love to him I am overwhelmed.
Bulimia and relationship are not best friends.
My partner is down to earth and he has full understanding of what is happening with me and why I cant be a good partner to him, and he supports me and loves me deeply.
Yah, I am so lucky. But being the one who is a reason for lack of sex and peace in the house it is not easy to swallow. it is a good reason to hate myself even more for who I am.

Life is difficult right now.
I have faith. Deep down I am very faithful, that's why I keep on going,but there is no peace within me.
I hold on the negativity!
I create negativity.
I create worries. I cant handle all six voices in my head. I simply cant. I shut one down and there you go, another one screams.
I look for negativity.
It feeds my bulimia.
It seems like I am only interested in people that don't accept me fully. With their judgmets about me I feed my bulimia. I hold on that for hours and hours.
I see no beauty within me, around me.
I don't see my good friends. I see those who left.
I don't see kids loving me but I see teachers who don't like me and my boss who has odd attitude towards employees.
I don't see beauty outside but I see my "fat" body.
I don't see how loved I am by my fiancée all I hold on is a fear of him leaving because I am not good enough. Because I don't give him myself, my body.
But I hate my body.
Letting him love my body makes me feel better and I don't want to feel better. I want to suffer and hate myself. this is what I know best. I don't know how to be fine with who I am, so I don't want it. it is too scary. I might do it wrong. I don't want to let go of the selfhate.
everyone tells me how skinny I am, how good I look, how shiny my skin is. I ignore them.
If I believed them when they ask what powder I use because my skin is "perfect" but I don't use any powder, that would mean I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good ccare of my skin, my body. when they tell me my body shape is hot and that I lost so much weight and that I look good and that I look healthy etc. I must ignore them. if I would not ignore them I might believe them and then I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good care of my body, my diet schedule, my recovery. But that would mean I would accept myself for who I am and have faith in myself. Believing I am doing good with eating 5-6 times a day, recovering well ...... but I don't want to believe that. I am not good. I cant believe I am good, then the voices in my head would be shut down. but I don't want them to shut down because I feel safe with them torturing me because they have been torturing me for half of my life and I know this kind of life. it is not good and it is painful but it  is well known to me. I know what will happen. I have control.
I don't want to see how much my partner loves me.
If so, I would need to accept mself fully and this is what I dotn want to do. I cant b fine with myself. How does it feel to be fine with myself???? I don't know so I don't want to try it because I am afraid of the unknown. It scares me. It would mean I have no control over it. It is better to stay in my comfort zone. It hurts but that's ok, at least I know it well.
I don't want to change. I fear changes. I don't know life behind the wall so ti scares me.

Let go?
Change?
Accept?
believe I am just fine the way I am and that not everyone will always like me???? seriously!?!?! NO thanks! I aim for perfection.
People tell me there is no such thing as perfection but I don't believe them because I create perfection for others in my mind. My mind tells me such and such friend is perfect because she has flat stomac, she is pregnant and haven't gained any weight, her home is big and nice, she is married ad have job bla bla bla....... for me, there is such thing as perfection.
I believe in all those photoshoped photos and spotless skins.
I do.


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Monday, April 14, 2014

After shock ..


I am just done with my "go into your body" ..
I cried. I felt. I felt a lot. I cried a lot.

but I don't feel like hanging out with my fiancée  yet. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like letting go of this state so I am writing this post now, to be with my broken and hurt self for a little more.

My therapist tells me once I am done with "going into my body" I should do something else, so now I am thinking of what could I do when I finish this post that has nothing too do with healing.
I might go out for a walk or go cook the dinner.
I might take my fiancée out for a drink and breathe the evening air.

Usually after doing my rehab homework I feel much better because I am more present.
I still spend hours and hours and days and days caught in a selfhate, feeling nothing or feeling nothing but selfhate.
The progress is so slow. it is strong one though and permanent but so slow.
Like I have been recovering now for two years and half and I still struggle big time. I came a long way, I did. I am easier to live with and I make way more sense.
I am more honest and much more present and I do some socializing .. that's the big step for me.
I hate socializing. I simply hate it. I know my true self, my real me doesn't hate it and I am very outgoing and I live my life big, but with this bulimia ... oh boy I hate meeting for a coffee and forsome other occasions. It would happen quite often now that I feel great afterwards, and I would call my fiancée on a way home fully excited "Babe, babe, I loved it. I am feeling alive. I am feeling good>" I am like a little kid being let outside by herself for the first time, feeling like a grown up, although just 12.
I now walk outside and I see the beauty of the nature and I see how beautiful pregnant women are. I do hate them after they deliver that baby because they get fucking skinny in two weeks. skinnier than before. I hate them. I genially hate them. But I like flowers outside and animals and colors and the smell of the air. I call my man telling him" babe babe, the trees are sooooo awesome, look out. Babe babe, they have good strawberries in a supermarket. aah!
that makes me happy-strawberries in a supermarket ha!
I walk streets many times with shoulders back and chin up. I see new perspective.
Always before I would look down, but now I am more proud and more confident. it is obvious.
But it is sooo hard to make it from day to day.
Although it is so much hope in my life now.

I am doing better with my family. I don't hate them that much any more and I don't fear them that much also. They wake up all the emotions with their presence in no time, but if I get to keep the distance, we are actually much better.
Often, on daily bases I hear my parents in my head sabotaging me, telling me I am no good and my ideas sucks and I will never succeed. They are telling me I am too difficult to live with and that because of my character I will end up alone.
They are telling me I am not normal and I am no good.
 I believe those voices. They run my day after day.

Then I go into my body, shut the mind down and let the body speak.
Pain comes out.

Fear. Anger. Doubts. Hate. Jealousy. Disgust. Those are causing sever pain to my body.

Often, the voice in my head would get mental and then I realize that voice is my parents. It is sick they always just cause pain but they never do anything, they sit at the back of my head and laugh. They always laugh at me when I cry and ache.

The voices also don't let me take time for myself. They don't let me go into my body and feel the real shit. They numb me and they laugh at me.

I suck my belly in every single time I should be in my body. I don't know what is going on in the belly, never figured it out, but it yells at me: With the fat belly you are no-one!!!! FAT YOU ARE WORTH NOTHNING!!!

but I can control it to the point where I stop it now .. well, not on a everyday life bases, those blow me and time flies me feeling nothing, but when I actually do the homework, start the "body meditation" then I can finish it also now.
I get myself together.
and what has been happening lately to me is after my "body meditation" I get soooo hungry.
cant wait to come home and eat. I eat guilt free. I eat with joy.

I still have weird relationship with food.
I still eat 5-6 times a day, always eat breakfast at 6.30 - toast,jam,coffee. I struggle with these still, I never let myself eat big breakfast, I make toast pieces as small as possible.
At 9.30 I eat snack. The size of it depends on how much bulimia controls me. SOmetimes it lets me eat just one plain yogurt and sometimes it lets me take good care of myself, I cut carrots, cucumbers ,fruits, yogurt (I try make sure I have one vitamin meal a day and one milky meal a day)
then for lunch at 12.30 I again eat depends on the volume of the voice in my head, but I eat everything, whatever it is. I eat random food, sandwich,potatos, meat,like anything that I have at home. fat, sweet, "fattening" whatever. I eat. Then at 3.30 I eat again, I eat a fruit or milk, or chocolate or cereal... at 6 I eat something small again and at 8 I have my dinner. I always cook and I make sure dinner is enjoyable, I make it colourful but I don't think of how fattening it is. I eat pancakes for dinner, or a proper cooked meal.
I love dinners.
At 9.30 I sleep.
If I don't fall asleep until 11 I get hngry again and then I eat again.
With this schedule I lost about 15 or even more kilos.
So don't be afraid to give it a shot.

There is still a lot of fear when it comes to the food, but sometimes I love cooking and I spend sooooo much time around food, making sure it tastes well, it looks well, I love talking about food with my fiancée and I enjoy it.
yet another time I take I from my own mouth.
tho I learned the food doesn't fatten you....emotions do,
emotions that you eat along fatten you, if you eat what you want and when you want you aint gonna get big.

I don't like skinny girls and I don't like anyone that runs on daily bases or does pilates.

I do yoga again, that's a big news! and am good at it.
I love it because eyogamat is the only place where I get patient with myself.
I do it slow.

now the evening sun is out and I feel alright, so I will finsh writing now, I must make dinner as well..

Go to basics.

Go into your body.
body doesn't lie. your mind does!

peace out.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

[Draft]

I keep struggling with not being present.
I am trying bloody hard to keep myself awake, it is just insane how powerful this current condition is.
I seem to be alive and present, but no, I don't hear anything, I don't see anything, I don't feel anything, I don't recognize places and I don't recognize people and myself.

Being in this condition, I am constantly fat and ugly.
I actually tried to take some shots of myself to post them onhere, but my phonos very bad.
I lost the contact with reality, I again don't know how do I look like.
I am hating my body!


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I don't know how I look like, I don't know how fat I am, or how ugly I am, but I am feeling very uncomfortable In my body lately. Not that I ever felt any good in my skin, but it seems like I am puffy and ugly. I find my face odd, and I find my belly big.
I feel unattractive and out of space. I feel like I am gaining weight and that everyone is skinny.

I feel lazy and I feel like I always eat so much. I am ovulating right now, so my apatite is a bit bigger, but I lost a track of how big my meals should be. In my head they are bigger than ever.

I am so afraid.
Afraid of food and myself.

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Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Therapy

Every Tuesday at 6 o'clock I have my therapy.

Lately, I have struggled to attend the therapy. I didn't want to go.
My head was full of excuses.

it is because the therapy have become so hard for me.

it is painful.

All those heavy emotions coming out, fears, jealousy, anger, sadness, hate.
Those are my emotions. Always there, always painful.

I am working with my numbness at the moment.
Fuck that shit. it is scary.

I come there normal, I know where I am and why I am there. I recognize my doctor and I recognize the place.
I start talking.
I hear my voice, and as soon as I hear it, the voice in my head screams: "shuuuuuuuuuuuut up!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shut down instantly.
my body collapses and my face drops.
The sound disappears and so does the smell.
All the sensations are gone.
My body is gone.
I feel nothing.
I am stoned.
I don't care.
Anything could happen.
My fiancée could break up with me or die, I wouldn't care. my therapist could be shot in the head and I wouldn't care.
I don't care. I don't know who I am. my head is absolutely empty. the only sound I hear in my head is the sound of the voice telling me :"its good. fall asleep. its good. fall asleep. cmon. just close your eyes, and go."
I don't want to die. It doesn't tell me to die.
it just tells me to fall asleep.
it pushes me down more and moore, until I get completely small.
I sit hunched in the chair, with empty look, head leaning to the right, and with my hands lifeless in my lap.

Out of the numbness I start laughing out loud. like I am happy. genuinely happy. the laughter lasts few seconds, then I am back to the hunched position, small and numb.

then my therapists asks me :"where are you?"
and  then what happens it I slowly look up and look at her and with a tiny smile on my face I whisper:"i don't know. but its good."
very spooky, and very sick.
OR her voice comes through me and I freak out and I want to respond to her. but I am still nt allowed to move and talk. I whisper, trying to tell her how I am. but the voice in my had is yelling at me: "you bitch, you don't look up!! you are nobody! do you hear me???you are nobody! you have no right to look up!! you are ugly! you are nobody!"
I cry. but I don't look up.
then the therapist leads me through the break down. she asks me where do I feel it?
I tell her the location of the pain. usually it is in my stomach and in a back of my neck.
Once I get the location of my pain and attention to my body, it follows the biggest break down possible.
everything comes out. it is poring emotions. selfhate has been the major one lately.
it is terribly painful. the voices in my head get crazy, calling me names, ordering me to die, telling me I am lame and fucked up, screwed and useless, fat and ugly.

I feel sick and I could vomit. vomit from the pain in my stomach. the pain spreads every-fucking-where. I get million cramps all over my body, headache hits me hard and the muscles are contracting. I cry like theres no tomorrow, my neck is in pain from crying, I scratch my face and pinch my thighs and then the pain  is just  unbearable.

I stop.

I cant any more.
it is too much.

it takes me about 10-15 minutes to come back to reality. I start moving and looking around very slowly. I do recognize the place though, and my therapists face. My head fills up with everyday thoughts, so I know I am alive and in the present.
I slowly relax. but more I am relaxing, the more of an after shock hits me.

I start with my feet. I make sure I feel them. I move my toes. I feel  them. I move up to my calves. once I feel those, I connect them with my feet and move on to my knees. I do the same, I keep doing the same all the way up to the head. then I feel my body in that chair. I am there. I stretch my arms amd my neck.
I walk a bit around the room to feel the movement of my body as well.

then I sti back into chair and have a chat with my therapists. we talk about my condition.
she told me I am doing great, I am progressing well, and that I and my body will be free from all the old emotions one day. it is still a long way until that day, but it sounds promising.

she is a bit worried about my numbness, she says.
so I have to put more effort into monitoring my current states and moods, happening to me. and working on my emotions and going into my body more often and more regular.

sitting there in the chair, in pain, but present.
that doesn't happen often, just after going into my body and letting the emotions out through the body. then I feel this kind of the relief. I feel closer to my self.
I am alright.

I slowly put my coat on and say thank you.
I walk out, I barely stand on my feet, I move very slow and movements are still heavy. but I am present. that is the best gift I can give myself.

I slowly walk home. feeling free and feeling closer to myself, further from selfhate.
it is a promising feeling.

I smile.

I put the music very loud and dance a bit with my broken body.
then I lay down, and sleep.
night is good. I don't have night mares.

and Wednesdays are my favourite days of the week.


ps: Rehab sucks! but it is so promising! do it!