Beautiful Imperfection

For last 6 weeks I havent said a positive word on myself. every now and then i would say "oh am not that ugly" and that is it.
most of my days are filled with "I stink, i am lame. I am fat. I am ugly. I laugh like a fart, I am annoying. I am not worthy, my face is odd, my legs are fat, my style is weird, i am an awful girlfriend, i dont deserve anything, i am uncool, i am pale, my hair has no style, i remember having nicer orange hair, i am retarded, i am cursed, i cause problems......"
the biggest of all are for sure I am not worthy, i am not good girlfiend and i am fat and ugly.
i have been living in ugly gray cloud for last 6 weeks. i am missing out fun and joy.
i am depressed and shitty.
i am mean to my own self.
i say things to myself i would never say to a person on a street, never, not eeven in my mind.
i simply dont like myself.
and for 6 weeks i havent stand up for myself not even once, not even once i said one niice word.
just complaining about how bad person i am and how i dont deserve to be my boyfriends partner because he is just too good for me and how i am ruining our relationship with bulimia, regardless that he chose to be with me and my bulimia... i am no good and i suck however you look at me.

i am stuck with my selfhate. i see absolutely no beauty, i cnt even enjoy having my boyfriend over here for six months. there just no joy. no emotions come true my wall. i am refusing to feel anything because that means i need to deal with it.
everytime i feel something is fear my boyfriend will hurt me, just like asses that i used to call my bestfriends and let me down when my life took the turn to the worst...i ahd big faith in them and they took it all away and now i live naked and fearful. i am afraid i dont know what love is. now-one fucking ever thaught me what love is. in my world love means lots of yelling at one another, lots of cheating, lots of possesive behaving, lots of harming, lots of anger and lots of bulling.
i get none of it from my relationship and so am freaking out. wheres a catch??

i am so afraid i will be hurt in a world i dont know, i shut all of myself down.
and i dont know how to cope with my fear. am trying tho, but seems like i ve been failing lots.
i keep anoying my boyfirned and crying shit out of me, it helps sometimes tho, but my therapist is saying i cant always count on him and i should face whatever is hiding behind that fear.

i cant, it seems too big. i cant let go.
just cant fucking let go.

i am not me, i dont know who i am but no feeling are running trough my body.
i just hate myself. i cant stand myself.
am just whining how ugly i am and how my parents annoy me.
i dont let go neither of it.

its choking me badly, and if i dont break free from my family and my selfhate, am not gonna make it.
its hard tho.
no-one told me this rehab is facing hell.
if i make it trough, i can do jsut about ANYfuckingTHING!!!

days pass me by, weeks pass by, and so do months.... and so are my feelings.

and i migt be completely beautiful soul, with beautiful purpuse.

maybe i am beautiful.

FUCK YOU, SELFHATE!!

Skinny, fat, ugly, beautiful.....all the same!

Working HARD on keeping myself alive. every now and then i lose a grip and i let myself be screwed by bulimia, that bitch is so stubborn.
She makes me feel HUGE most of the time, tho I lost a lot of weight. She is playing games with me....one day she calles me FAT and makes me cut my trousers and next day makes me cry because my face is TOO SKINNY!! I dont like my skinny face. it is pail and sad. next day that very same face becomes the fattest and the ugliest and i cnt stend it in the mirror.
my thighs are HUGE and in a next moment I am hating my jeans because of my small thighs and feeling unattractive because no jeans suits me anymore. I now have size 36 which means i am smaller for 2-3 sizes, but i am as fat as always. just sayin tht actual body size has nothing to do with you "perfect"body .... you SIMPLY never reach it.

Skinny, fat, ugly, beautiful...all the same.

every morning starts with "you the fuck again!!!"
hating my face and checking out how much wirght I gained over night.

then sometimes i snap it and start cutting my pants because I am HUGE!!! or sometimes I turn the music very loud on and dance and groove in the morning, because I dont hate myself that much.

Obsessions, obssesions, obsessions.... always ina  hurry, NEVER having time to live, to feel..... i need to work hard to stop myself and live 5 minutes after 5 minutes. thats the only way to survive.

if i dont stay FOCUSED, im done.

There is nothing more scary than eating disorders rehab.

i am not dead

Has been long time since i wrote the last, i tried to stay away from blogging and focus more on my emotions. blogging is good way of taking my thoughts out, but actually dealing with whats happening to me is another story. my doc told me to stop writing as writing is just running away from actual problem, at the moment for me. she might be right as my life got a bit more messy since not writing.....and by messy i eman theres so much happening with me. theres so much to be done on myself. i never thought thats the way its gonna be. its always something to deal with and to go deeper and deeper....never ending story. i am still dealing with my family, trying to stay away from them as much as possible as they are ruining my progress way too easily. my moms calling me everyday, sometimes twice, so i have no space to develop on y own. she is very possesive and doesnt give meany room for my recovering without my parents. i told her i will be calling her when needed, and she was fine for three days tthen got obssesed with me again. fisrt day she promised me world, anything just for me to recover, next day she didnt know what she promised any more. but for me is difficult because she is very shitty with me not calling her all the time and not answering the phone when she calls. she doesnt give me a break. she gives me hard times and she starts sighing when am not all bubbly to hear from her. she gives me a feeling of guilt. all the fucking time. she is so possesive. on the other hand my father havent been talking to me for over three months. he has his own reasons fuck it, when we talk we fight anyway but i miss my father. my mom is putting lots of pressure on me it is my fault we dont talk and i should call him. but i havent since xmas. for xmas my dad and i had fight and i think that was it for me......my brother is shit. doesnt really care about me at the moment. doesnt call me, doesnt understand me....we are far far away from eachother, the furteherst so far in a history of our lives. they all blame my difficult peronality.....they have their own reality and i hve mine. i just hear from my mom every now and then that my fater is calling me all the time and i am the onw not answering the phn..............WTF!!!!! thats lie. and so does my brother, but then he adds...."u knw hr, she is shitty all the time!" bugger, thats not true.
anyways, my work is great, dream job and i am loving my kids badly. am good at what i do and i get enormouus respect from my boss, teachers and parents, not to mention my kids....but unfortunately i feel no respect. it doesnt come to my heart. my relatinship is great, my boyfriend is amazing supprt and real angel. he is there for me and keep me going, at the moment we are staying together for six months, all good. but am having hard times regarless to the love he has for me.

hope u all well, my fingers are crossed for u who suffer from any kind of eating dissorders. it sux, i know. chin up and dont let any mother fuckers bring u down!

peace. x

fat and ugly

Last days has everything been about me being FAT!
I know this is BULIMIA, and I am not actually fat......................but I am actually fat!!! Sensations are so real!!!! I feel like i am eating all the fucking time (i am not binging though) but it seems like i eat a little more than usual. i catch myself eating my emotions sometimes, but also i am honestly having a hole in my stomach. but i dont know these days what s normal size of a meal, maybe i am just cutting size of my meals off. i dnt knw but whatever i eat seems so huge!
I am feeling the fattest. like i am gaining weight every minute.
i also see myself UGLY. the ugliest.
I am so sad with this feeling. whenever i go into my emotions and wanna let out bulimia, soon i break down and cry and i cnt go further-deeper into my buried emotions.

last saturday i went out with my friend, i was like little celebraty. everyone wanted to hang out with me, talk to me, dance with me, at one point i had five guys around me, fighting who will "get me" ...random people spoke to me, told me how cool i am, how beautiful i am.....all sorts of compliments. they told me my caracter is very bubbly and great, i should be a movie star. blah blah blah..............my friend was beyond herself.....she couldnt stop pointing out how much attention i get. i never said anything positive, just: that is because they are drunk. that is because they are screwing up with me. that is because they are bored.....

my hyper mode was slowly dying and by 1am i was ready to go home. my friend slept over at my place and before we fell asleep she once again reminded me how everyone admire me.
we fall asleep and i woke up at 5 am, with crazy heart beat  and panic attack..............i had a nightmare..........i was dreaming that all those people who gave me all that attention in a previous night, turnd against me. they were yelling i am ugly and fat and that they didnt wanna dance with me and they didnt wanna talk to me because i am a loser and the biggest fat ass with huge fat stomach and ugly face.

dreams were very agressive.

but feelings were real.

i woke up and this was my new reality.
i spent a day believing all the people believe i am a fat useless ass with gross face and dirty personality.

ofcourse with this kind of thinking i soon reached the point when i am not good enough for my boyfriend and he should totally find another woman. all te women at more beautiful than me. they are all more attractive and i am very ugly.

i still believe that.

i am fucking feeling stinky and ugly and fat!
every bitch is skinnier and nicer.

i found this pic on internet and it only represents the size i see myself like at the moment. smaller than i used to see myself though, but anyways.

I wanna be fucking skinny. whatever that means. i dnt know what does that mean. but i wanna be skinny.
i dont wanna be stick-skinny, no, i wanna be normal.
some friends are concern about my loosing weight, they are afraind i am not eating enough because i have lost some more weight, they tell me i am skinny, but i know i am not.
i am huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i also know i am huge and this is real, i really am huge, because this feeling is so real and it is real because i still have bulimia.
i hate myself badly.
i dont like being me.
i am so stressed out.
i am so exhausted. i work my butt of, i dont have any time for myself. iam tired.
i hate my body and my face!!!!!

on saturday my boyfriend is moving in with me.

i hate who i am.

time off. needed or trick?

my anxiety doesnt stop.
it took control over my behaving.
I dont know what is happening and where is coming from. there is few explanations but it think its a combination of all together.
For a moment i forgot i am not "normal" meaning i am still recovering from bulimia, and so i believed i can get over flu with flu pills and loads of vitamins..but i was wrong. i took Cold3, just like notmal people do and the lady in a pharmacy told me to take those pills you need to be completely heatlhy person, she mention no heart desease, no cholesterol but she didnt mention mental illnes.
so i started taking cold3 and my flu just wouldnt get any better, instead, my condition got way worse.
Instead of crying everyday at 5pm i started having emotional breakdowns every day at 1pm as well.
then i want back to work and in the morning i was allright then around 12 i started feeling uncomfortable and got very hot. it was rising inside me and so i felt so dizzy i couldnt even talk anymore. i lose myself and i get confused with words. doc said it could be because of antidepressant being not active because of taking cold3, those two are big no-no together.
my heart starts beating extremelly fast and my arms get sweaty and there is very nervous feeling running inside my arms, my neck and my face. It doesnt stop but it only gets worst. it leasts for aprox 2 hours. then i am fine untl 5,6 and then again.

beside those symptoms i am feeling absolutely awful abaut myself. tho yesterday morning before work i actually felt very beautiful. not just "not ugly" but beautiful. i liked my face and i liked my body. but apart from yesterday morning, i have been feeling FAT and UGLY for last three weeks at least.
has been a while now that i havent felt fat and ugly in a same time for longer period, was always more just a matter of a day or two, but now i am just thinking of how fat i am and how much wight i need to lose. i have noticed also that my attitude toward food has changed.
i dont wanna eat most of the day, esepcially breakfasts i am skipping, but when i eat, i have no respect for that food, i just swallow it. it little binging, but with normal amount of food. i dont feel like any junk food so thats fine. i can tell i have been more obsest with my weight these days. i keep asking my firend if i am skinnier now or i was skinnier three years ago. she told me i am way skinnier now. but when i look photos from the time i was in africa, i dont see my self fat (time in africa was a time when i actually didnt havte my body) but feeling fat now, tho when my friend saw photos from africa time she told me i am way way skinnier now.
it doesnt give any pleasure.
i am feeling like bulimia actually came back with all its beauty. i am on the edge. have been on edge for almost 4 weeks now.
i cant wait to have my therapiy today, i am in such a need of psyciatrist i have never been before. i even asked my therapist if i can come yesterday because i am not doing well and she said no, there is no season off.
i feel like i need more therapies now, just to get over this whatever period it is.
because it feels like am so alone.
my body is going trough seasonal sickness and i push him hard, dont giv him a rest and with all the organ disfunctions i have because of bulimia, body cant fight against flu on its own, so liver is pushing toxics into body, so i am suffering from hemoroids so badly pain makes me cry and there is every day more blood coming out of my butt. now it feelis like when u va period. all this can lead to sepsis.
so my poor body is screaming and asking me for help, but i give him no rest. no rest at all.
so i am weak.
soooooooooooo, i am fucking staying at home this week to recover, emotionally and phisicly.
i am obviously not doing well at the moment, mentally i have been very down since xmas.

but here comes another fight.
taking care of myself is out my character.
why staying home??
i am fine, lets go work!!
it feels like am letting everyone down, kids in a first place, then staff.
there is part of me that honestly believe it is good for me to have time to catch up with my stable self, because im feeling like i might mentally break down completely very soon, if i dont stop those symptoms, and i dont want this. then i better stay home a week and be back strong again.
but is mental illnes still illnes? do i really need break for this? or i am just lazy and looking for excuses because i am such a pussy i get annoyed and disturbed by anyone, also people at work lately? I dont feel good with them around, they make me feel uncomfortable about myself? or  am i just attention seeker? do i, deep down, still look for attention from them (in this case i have ppl from work on my mind).........
i get lost in all these questions BUT all of them hve one thing in common and lead to one fact: I am mentally unstable at the mo..
so yes, i should stay at home and get myself together and not let it develop more.

but i dont deserve time off.
then my butt reminds me if i cnt understand the mental reason i might understand the phisical one, so it starts hurting badly. so yah, need to care about my body and myself.

then i get tons of messages form ppl from work letting me know they missin me and love me and pray for me and i feel guilty. i am only sick because my body is ruined and my bdy id ruined because of bulimia and it is my fault and they shouldnt love me bacuase am just an ass.

it s hard. i know i need to give love to myself and body now but all i can do is feel guilty.

i am not alight these days.
i mean, comparing to how i was just a year ago, yah, god help me i am doing great!!!! but soon will be a month of my very alive selfhate. i need it to stop coz i really am scared if i dont, i ll go back to vomiting.

i am not sure whether i trust my therapist or not. i feel like i should feel way better by now, then she says i am actually feeling great regarding to how fucked up i was.
i keep forgetting my bulima almost killed me.

so i guess its time to take a week off and do something fun.

i havent told my parents about it, i cant. isnt it sad.
they wouldnt understand and they would tell me to stop fucking around and to fucking grow up and stop using everyone around me and go the fuck back to work.
the other day i stayed at home thursday and told my mom and she said: "but are you sure you can stay at home?"  so i told her next day i was back to work, where i was home with flu.
her comment meant: "go to work, give yourself in, they are so nice to give you that job dont fuck it up, who cares if u sick, u will survive!"
has always been like this.
she never said: "darling, no matter what, take care of your body!! if u lose a job because of it, fuck it, they are not worth it, but love yourself enough to give your body love it needs."
thats what i have always wanted to hear from my mom.

there is sooooo many things i am dying to get from my parents.

the other day she gave me hard times after telling her i am freaking out a bit because of my boyfriend moving over, just because he will be in my space all the time so those are big changes expecially for someone like me, who needs things in a certain place, possition, because that what makes me feel comfortable. she started preaching how i should get my self together and watch the way i behave, because if i dont, he will just leave me.
ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fucking always they tell me he will leave me because i am no good. always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
they keep telling me however i feel is wrong. i cant get over it.
i hate it. so upset. who the fuck are they to tell me i dont feel right!!!!???!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?

and as soon as i mention my mother ------ hemoroids start aching badly. in a same second.

today i lost it because there was a bowl with organic on a balcony, i put it the other day so i dont keep organic inisde and i kind of forgot about it,.....then today i saw it again and it was bothering me that much, that i started yelling at it. absolutely everything around me makes me nervous. i keep cleaning my apartment and keep changing things, letting fresh air in, thorwing old things away.........all for a sake of calmer energy but nothing helps.
i snapped it because i had two glasses in my bedroom. just in one moment, i lost it because of tow glassses.
i walk into the kitchen and see broken window from the other day and i get so upset i break another thing, closest to me. i hate being reminded i lost it that much!!!!!!
I hate how my tv is turned, hate how pan is put on a desk, hate how my bra turned around when i threw it.........just every little thing.

i also find it very hard to tlak and write thiese days.....i would jst use wrong words in my sentences. i would say:"I have been sick for three weeks" and instead i say "i have been sick for three years"
but those little mistakes are happening all the time. same with writing. it is so hard to wirte baceuse everaything losk liek this if i dont pay lts of atrniton it is jst hard to keep forcused. i dot now what is hapenting my feiners go dofernet way that i want them i had this once when i jsut wasnt able to read thinsg after me i,,,,didnt knw whot wrote that ... it is something wring witm my brain at the moent iand i amd os nervoust . i feel this anyxity feilfngfos and i am deo losing it. now.
wil be back


back.
i dint feel well, i letf like theres a line trough my head that goes trough eyes and keep half of my head disconnected with the rest of my body.

who is this??

Numb

read with -->  Breathe!!!!

it just doesnt stop. i keep having breakdowns like rain in tropical forest. every day at same time.
in the morning i feel either ugly and fat and nervous or happy with some of my fave reggae.. I make myself lunch 1-ish and since that moment on i live 100% NUMB next four or five hours, i literally feel NOTHING!!!!
I dont feel my body at all (just pain in my butt). i dont feel any hunger, any cold, any breathing.
I blackout for those several hours. I go pee every hour but its like a moonwalk, dont even know it happened, i drink water and lie in bed. with TV on but i dont hear it. even i cant tell whats on my mind at that time, because i forgot everything. then at 5 oclock i start feeling some anxiety, feeling in my tights its extremelly nervous and its like it ichying me in my muscles. that feeling wakes me up from my numb-mode and i get out of bed (also on days when i worked, i would have one hour "rest" and got out of bed at 6), put my slippers on, make myself cup of mint tea and i sit on a desk in my bedroom. everyday same move, at same time, in a same place. i starts crying just like that. like someone turned my crying program on.
I burst into tears. I cry hyisterically. My emotional pipe is fully open and the emotion coming out is sadness.
I am sadden how difficult my life is. I feel sorry for my own self, for being a victim of eating disorders and for needing to fight that much for survival. i feel lonely and i am sad i feel need to lonely. I fear, my ego is bringing me down, telling me i wil never get well and telling i might even die. i am scared for my health. i am sad for how much pain goes in and out my body. i feel like no-one is helping me (apart from my boyfriend) and i am sad because no-one is helping me with my battle with bulimia. I get sad because people are so careless and because i realize i dont have a friend who would call me when struggling with life. at least those that i thought are cool and my close friends......yah, i might tell them about my struggles because thats how i am, i tell everyone about my struggles, but they never tell me anything, just they disappear for a week then txt me:Was so lost last week but am fine now, life is so beautiful now and i love my man and he loves me and i am just doing amazingly and flowers are blooming in the middle of winter in my life........................................... FUCK YOU!!!!
yah, your life is even better than cindarela's when her pumpkin turned into real carrage.
asses.
i dont even know what i want from my friends.
fuck it. i want them all to be as open as i am, but they arent. or i dont have that luck with friends.
maybe is just my bulimia trying to see bad in friends and so she can isolate me.
i so badly need honest people at the moment.
because i dont believe anyone. there are some people that i believed they are cool, but they arent. those certain people are the biggest bitches i know.
after crying out all the sadness about my friends, i cry some more because i feel nothing. then i try and "go into my body" just like my therapist told me to do, and i lose my mind again because i feel nothing.
i fucking wanna feel my body.
i dont feel my bloody body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized few minutes ago, when having that big break down, i dont feel things in my body since i stoped vomiting.
before, i felt my body waaaay too much, i remember some unknown feeling taking control over my entire body and at one point i exploded and puked. since i dont puke, theres no that feeling any more.
yah some of it went out, some of it got new shape but some of it is just locked somewhere inside my body and i dont know how to let it out.
i am tired of this slow process it feels like nothings changing and things arent doing better. yah, some of it, yah sure, also i can see, but i still fucking HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE my fucking body and my fucking self and my fucking numb life.
i just wanna be happy and feel happiness in my body i wanna be FREE!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna believe and have faith, i dont wanna live in constant fear things aint gonna be ok anymore. i cnt take it much longer.

i want magic wand and be well in a minute. like in a fairy tale! i wanna live in present and not being sabotaged by past over and over again. i need this negativity to stop and i wanna fall inlove. i wanna smile and laugh and wonder around town doing random things. i wanna feel excitment about LIFE, i wanna be spontaneous and most of all i wanna be PRESENT!!! I wanna sing out loud, i wanna experiment with my style, i wanna be bold again and i wanna be playful and boobly again. i wanna dance on and on and i wanna talk to random strangers. I wanna feel heathy and young, and not ill and old. i wanna let sun warm my body deep trough. I wanna see colors and i dont wanna be afraid. i dont wanna keep walls. i dnt wanna feel that heavy feeling on my chests anymore.
I wanna break free!
I wanna be ME.

i havent taken antidepressant for four days. not on purpuse, but i ran out and then i got flu so was stuck indoor, and planned on picking them from pharmacy yesterday  before my therapy, but was still sick so didnt go. two days aint that big of a deal, and i thought also five wont really kill me.
then i looked online a bit about how to withdrawl AD and there was a flood of people's stories how difficutl was to stop taking AD and how you get even more depressed and how you lose your mind.....am not saying this is not true, coz i know can be, but i just got the idea i wanna stop with AD. maybe dont feel my body because of meds. some people would say they didnt realize how numb they were until they stopped taking AD and after, they were full of life and feelings.

i so would but i can be bothered now with all those withdrwal symptoms............if i get them too. i might not to tho coz i never really felt a big change after started taking AD and i wouldnt say my mood stabilazed at all, i still have big episoded, breaking down every 5 - 8 weeks, so maybe meds dont have such strong impact on me, and also stop taking them wouldnt be a panic....but i know you cant tell for sure......eh, i think am getting new box on monday.

Damn you society!

It is so funny, jsut a year ago or maybe a bit more than year ago I would be able to lie I am sick (flu) so i could stay at home and vomit all day long, where today I am actually having a flu and feeling awful for staying at home.
i feel useless and guilty.

but i guess my boyfriend is right and i need to stay at home and recover, after all i am still ill (bulimia) and need to be gentle with myself.

It might be flu but these days i have been feeling very emotional. I ended up crying my soul out every day after work. it started with some kind of frustration but soon i heard myself asking God "why?? why me? why eating disorders? such a shame! so many has bulimia taken from me!" i kind of feel sorry for myself for going trough all this. i am feeling sorry for myself for having an eating disorders.
I now see, finally, how much damage has bulimia done to me. mentaly and phisicly.
I seem to be grieving.
another stage in my rehab. hip hip!!

but its not joyful at all.
all i feel is negativity about myself and apart from that grieving hour after work, i am very mean to myself.
I am feeling FAT!!!!! and The UGLIEST!!!!
i forgot how it feels when those two are taking over my head.
every bit of my head id filled with this two thoughts!
I wake up, feeling fat.
I feel like I have gaind about 8 kilos since this monday.
then i go to the bathroom and see my face and i get disapointed "you again!"
how ugly my face is.
I dress up, and i realize, nothing looks good on me anymore. its awful.
i feel lame.
then i go to work and i feel like i am bad teacher and shitty person.
i live with this combination - ugly, fat, lame, useless - most of the day, then at 5pm i come home and at 6 i have my break down. i cry and feel sorry for myself then i yell to the world how ridiculously miserable people in the world are and how retarted and emotionally disabled they are.
it makes me upset and sad in a same time, especially since for a little time i tried to become like them.

keep quite, dont talk! no-one is interested in your life!
dont share your thoughts with anybody, they dont care. they mind theirselves only.
selfish bitches!!
 i wanted to shut up completly myself.
it made me miserable!
it lasted just few days, but it i was miserable.
then i found it all so stupid!

uuuuuh!!!
dont talk about mylife.
booh hooh hoo ----- my life is a secret!!!
i dont want people to know i get hungry and i cant poo after eating oranges. uuuh scary!!
be quite ........ i dont want people to know my parent are one of the biggest hypocrits i have ever got a chance to know, no no, lets keep it for myself, because no-one has hypocrit parents.
ppppsh!! i dont wanna share with anyone my period is painful because people just dont get periods and i wanna keep it for myself i miss my boyfriend because there is no such thing out there as missing someone.
oh no. i am so strange and my life is such SIN.

(I am suppose to sound cinic and sarcastic)

its stupid!!!!!!
we all share same shit and we all feel the same.

why we live like we dont care. like my depression is better than yours, because I drink mint tea when depressed and your anxity is more frustraiting than mine just because your face is prettier than mine??????
what the fuck????

is it just me or it is really sad how emotionally disabeled people are becoming.
no.one know what to do with their feelings and sharing feelings with someone is the worst thing you can do because there is so many enemies out there and are waiting for the oportunity you get  vulnerable enough to stab a knife in your back and kill you!!
yah my ass!
thats what they teach us!! thats what my mama has thaught me, but you know what...................i am like an open book, i tell everything about mylife to anyone----and no-one took advantage on me.
i am still alive and often when sharing my life i inspire people or make them feel better because they are not the only ones who feel that way.

yah, some people get bored of listening to my stories and they leave - god bless them. some people stay, but dont share as much with me -- god bless them.. some people think i shouldnt talk that much (mama, papa and the rest of the world) but thats fine-----god bless them.

the world is round, we should think of it less than a square and more like a circle.
we are one!
we all experiance life!

sometimes peole say.... "you should go for a walk if you are depressed!"
who are you to tell me i am doing it wrong because i am staying inside???
obviously it feels safer for me and thats alright.
just because you read  in bloody magazine that walking help with depression you think thats what the whole world should do, if one does something else is labeled as wierd.

you know, also anti depressant pills help with depression and so does sex and chocolate..... yah, but it doesnt take it away because you need to fucking stay inside (*wherever inside feels safe for you!!) and deal with your fucking suppressed feelings, that mama and papa and society have thaught you to hide certain feelings if you want people to respect you. crying is a sign oof weaknes. REALLY???? feel!!! let yourself feel without judging yourself.
however you feel and whatever you feel is absolutely alright!!!!!!!

dont let sociaty wash your brain.
SOCIETY IS THE ONE THAT IS SICK, not you!!!

what is normal? 
you are normal, not letting society ruin the beauty inside you. the beauty god gave you, the beauty that should be spread among all of us and not be blocked by some stupid number on a scale and by stupid size of trousers.... skinny is not normal....skinny is still skinny!! dont label things. as soon as u lable it, you ruin the main purpuse of it.
just unconditionally feel and love and explore and share!
dont fear, just understand and your body will get into the shape that is "normal" for your body.
all the extra weight will  leave you and your body will become beautiful. trust life!
seriiously.
to me, some people say i am losing a lot of weight and i tell them it is because of my recovery and it will stop once my body reach the "perfect" shape.

do i believe myself what am saying now????
ABSOLUTELY YES!!!!!

just sometimes i get blinded by bulimia.
but i know my life is BEAUTIFUL comparing a year ago when i was still vomiting.
and i believe soon i will feel it with whole body of mine.
I know i will be able to count my blessing and leave my past behind. this day will come, when i am ready!

Keep FAITH!

LOVE UNCONDITIONALY!
FEEL FEARLESS!!
BE-EXIST!
SHARE YOUR BEAUTY!

 
Think BIGGER!
Think out of your box!

selfhates pissing me off!

Zadnja dva tedna sem totlno prehlajena, kasljam ko sto let star kadilec, nimam kaj prevec energije in se vedno se ne usedem in pocijem.
Ta vidken sta prva dva dneva v 14dneh, ko sem si vzela cas za pocitek, pila neomejeno kolicino naravnega pomarancnega soka in limonado, jedla zeleno solato z ogromno cesna in za malico pojedla navaden jogurt in korenje. Telo sem nabasala z vitamini in ga razvajala z dokaj lepimi mislimi in danes ze celo popoldne ne kasljam, nos se mi je umiril in verjetno se mi bo tudi uho odmasilo do jutri zjutraj.
cudno mi je, ker skrbim zase. tega nikoli nisem pocela. z visoko vrocino sem skakala okoli, z vnetimi ledvicami sem delala in dvigovala otroke, z vnetim usesom sem zivela, kot da se nic ni tgodilo....in zdaj, danes, pocivam, lezim, se dolgosacim in jem hrano, polno vitaminov.
cudno je, vsake toliko se oglasi ego in me napizdi kaj se grem, da sem navaden lenuh in da bolje zame, ce se poberem iz postelje in vsaj malo pospravim po stanovanju. moje stanovanje je cisto in snazno, moje uho pa je se vedno zamaseno.
zdravnica mi je rekla, da so trenutki, ko me napade ego idealni za delo na sebi. to naj bi bili trenutki, ko se za eno uro posvetim svojim cutenjem, temu, kaj se dogaja v mojem telesu.
vceraj sem se usedla na tla in "sla v svoje telo"- ego me je najprej sabotiral, da je to izguba casa in da bom to pocela kdaj drugic, ampak zdj se morm pa res pobrat in nardit kj koristnega.
o tem, kako me vedno napade ego, ko se spravim to pocet, sem se pogovarjala z zdravnico in rekla mi je, da je kljuc v tem, da vztrajam in da je na zacetku vedno tezko ker je ego tako mocan in ve, da ga bo to unicilo, zato protestira, ampak da moram vztrajat in da bo kmalu postalo veliko lazje in da je to edini nacin, da se zares ozdravim od bulimije.

vztrajala sem. noge so postale tezke, mrzle in nekaj me je vleklo "dol"-
tudi roke so bile tezke in v telo sem dobila obcutek nervoze, tako, kot da bi cutila svojo kri, kako se pretaka po zilah, ali pa ko po prvih pozirkih alkohola, ko noge postanejo "mehke".
pritisk v nogah je rasel in zjokala sem se. jokala sem histericno in se drla "why i hate myself? why i am fat?"
obcutek, ki sem ga zaznala, je bil ZALOST.
cutila sem zalost, zalost do lastne situacije. zalostna sem bila zaradi sebe, ker moram cez vse to, da bom enkrat normalno zivela. bila sem zalostna.

po moji "body meditation" in po polurnem histericnem joku sem se pocutila veliko boljse in skoraj bi lahko rekla, da sem bila bolj povezana sama s sabo. bolj sem se zavedala trenutka v sedanjosti in razveselila sem se, ker imam super fanta. obcutek je bil enkraten, bila sem zaljubljena in cutila sem, kako me on ljubi in kako lepa je najina zveza. cutila in vedela sem, da je on moja prihodnost.
a obcutek ni trajal dolgo. kmalu so me prevzeli obcutki iz preteklosti in okrog enajstih sem zaspala.

spala sem obupno. tako kot ze nekaj casa sem imela tudi tokrat nocne more. v mojih nocnih morah se zadnje case pogosto pojavita mama in oce in vedno mi receta, da sem slaba in naj se vzamem v roke, potem gresta.
velikokrat sanjam gruco ljudi kako se norcuje iz mene in krici, da sem nevredna, gdra in debela.

zbudila sem se ob sestih in nic ni disalo po dobrem dnevu.
pocutila sem se obupno utrujeno z zamasenim usesom, kar me je spravilo ob zivce ze takoj ob 6h.
nisem se zavedala nicesar, nisem bila prisotna in nevem, kaj se je dogajalo. nisem zivela v sedanjosti, to je sigurno.
ob 9h sem se slisala s fantom. potrudila sem se, kakor sem se pac lahko, da sem bila prisotna in prisebna, ni mi ravno uspelo, a nekje deep down vem, da je vse ok in da me zveza polni z upanjem.
bila sem na robu zloma, kako sem jezna na mamo in oceta in da ta jeza ne popousti ze od bozica. nasprotno, raste v meni.
se vedno na cakam ocetov oprosti, a ga vsekakor ne bom dobila, ker se je on ze desetkrat premaknil naprej, le moja custva so obticala pri bozicnem kosilu.
prejsnji teden sta me tudi obiskala, bila sem ju vesela, saj je bilo to sele drugic, odkar zivim sama.
jezna sem, ker se vedno pocutim grozno, ko se pogovarjam z njima. tudi ce je vse ok, jaz se pocutim ko drek.
te dni sta me klicala parkrat in preverila, kako kaj moj prehlad in vedno sta rekla: "jst sm bovn, sm piu ful limonade, tablete, med, prelezou zadevo in v dveh dneh sm dobr. resno mors tut ti to, ker ce ne bos dobila plucnco!"
ja good for you, you good and i suck!
in sovrazim ta obcutek. sovrazim ga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! navelicana sem ga! navelicana sem samosovraztva in zanicevanja same sebe, tlacenje same sebe v nic in se ne spostovat. sia sem tega.
verjetno mi zelita dobro in sta mi iskreno svetovala, kaj naj naredim, ampak pocutim se ko drek.
ko da nism sposobna zase poskrbet. mislm sej res nism en ekspert v skrbi zase, ampak tko grozno sem se pocutila.
ne spomnim se, da bi se doma kdaj tko vneto pogovarjal o prehladu, vedno so sle take bolezni mim nas in smo sli v solo oziroma v sluzbo. zdj pa.....

da se bom pocutila se slabs, sem prebrala mail uciteljice, ki je bila en teden odsotna in jo je nadomescala njena bivsa asistentka. skupaj sva imeli super teden.
v mailu starsem je pohvalila le njo, mene niti omenila ni, ceprav sem jaz uciteljica njihovih otrok in sem sigurno pripomogla 70% k uspesnemu tednu.
vem da me ona ne spostuje prevec, nikoli mi ni dala obcutka spostovanja, mogoce je dvakrat omenila, da sva s fantkom, s katerim najvec delam dober tim. nikoli me ni izpostavila in nikoli nikoli nikoli mi ni dala obcutka, da me jemlje resno in da spostuje moje delo. skupaj delava vsak dan, jaz sem njena nova asistentka. zjutraj jaz delam s svojimi otroki stiri ure, ona s svojimi 3. potem se obe skupini zdruzita in jaz delam z njimi skupaj z ucitelji za glasbo, umetost, dramo itd..... zaslug za razvoj teh otrok imam vec kot ona, vec dam sebe v delo kot ona in cutim otroke bolj, kot jih bo ona kdajkoli.
pa me ne spostuje.
kurac jo gleda.

no, seveda sm se zjokala in za spremembo sem sla v svoje telo.
tokrat nisem mogla cutit nicesar. telo je blo zablokirano, samo zivcna sm bla ko pr norcih.
zdravnica pravi, da ce ne cutim nicesar je ok, tudi to je del "cutenja".
besna sem brcala po stanovanju in se drla, lahko bi se ji pokozlala v fris.
za trenutek sm si vrjela, da bi rada pustila delo v tej soli in zginla.
nevem kaj bom nardila.
zdj sm mirnejsa, ampak se vedno je nocem vidt jutr v sluzbi.
v meni ta zenska vzbuja slabe obcutke do sebe, in se enkrat..............sita sem tega!!!!!! sita sem tega, da ma dolocen folk tako moc nad mano in me vrze v negativo v sekundi.
lepega ne vidim.
100 ljudi me hvali, a jst se ne prenesem zarad ene zenske.
tuki se skriva veliko vsega zadi, ampak ker pisem v slovenscini bom od tu naprej raje pisala vsvoj dnevnik.

fuck it.

"WHEN YOU GET ENOUGH INNER PEACE AND FEEL REALLY POSITIVE ABOUT YOURSELF, IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE CONTROLLED OR MANIPULATED BY ANYONE ELSE!!!  - wayne dwyer "

na zivce mi gre to, da se tko trudim z zdravljenjem in trudim se bit boljsi clovek v vsakem trenutku, vsak dan dam svoj maksimum od sebe, a na koncu dneva bi si loh plunla v obraz. ne dam si niti ene pikice nagrade.

se mi vcasih zdi, kolk je vse skupi zalostno, da sama sebi izrecem besede, ki jih nikol nebi rekla nobenmu.
zakaj se sploh sovrazim?
kao sm ful shujsala but guess what.........se vedno sm najdebeljsa med vsemi.
na roko si vsak dan napisem de stvari: 16.2. to je dan, ko se moj dragi vrne v slovenijo za pol leta, in KQ, kar pomeni Keep quite! Keep quite enostavno pomeni: nikogar ne briga tvoj pofukan lajf! ne utruji!

zdj se je mogoce mal umirila ideja v moji glavi, da so vsi okoli mene sovrazniki in da ne morem nobenmu zaupat. zdj sm bl nakulerana s prjatli, ampak se vedno vidm sovraznike vse povsod.

sprostila bi se rada, cutila bi rada!!
samo CUTILA BI RADA, Cutila kdo sem, cutila ljubezen, sreco, radost in svobodo.
Samo CUTILA bi rada!!!!!

totalno ma kurac mi gre to hladno zivljenje, polno strahov, da sem bedna, nezanimiva in debela in da nobenga ne zanimam in da moram bit tiho, ker govorim bedarije. zivljenje gre mimo mene, mendtem ko se jst borim sama s sabo. trenutna skrb mojega ega je, da grdo pisem. da najgrse na svetu napisem crko K in da crke e, j in s niso za nikamor.

zdj mam moment, ko se mi zdi, da delam vse prav, in vse kar lahko, da ozdravim in spet cutim. ta dva dni, ko sem sla v svoje telo, sva velik korak naprej.

Ljubim svojega fanta.

In your face!!

"you are ugly!"
"you are fat, uselss and not worthy. you are lame and boring. you are rubbish and you stink. you are a mess and you are pain in anyone's ass. you are trouble and you nobody!"

"you are not going to london, because you are not able to change a train."
"you are staying home, because you are too lame to go out!"
"no-one cares about you!"

"stay at home, dont get a ticket, you will not be able to travel from the airport to her place, you dont know the numbers. do you hear me, you dont know the numbers!"
"beside that, you are lame and ugly. ugly people dont trevel."

"get ready for a break up. this time, you guys will break up. its all fake. he lies. he doesnt care."
"and its all because you are not worthy and just a dumbass."

"dont call her, dont bother people. she is not your frined. you have no friends. no-one likes you. vbecause you are fat and ugly. you are a bug, leave people alone!"

"your dad is right, the world doesnt revolve around you! you are garbage. you just think you are a smartass but you are a rat! face it. give up. your dad is right, you will never achieve anything with this difficult character of yours. you are lame the way you are and he is right, you should grow up and stop looking like a clown. get it?"

"no really, you aint going to london. you are retarted. you cant travel on your own. you wont be able to make it from the airport to her place. retarted people dont travel. you dont know numbers. u r totally staying at home. you are too lame to travel. you just annoy people with who you are, leave them alone. stay away from them,be respectful, give them a break. they need to rest, no-one has time for you. you are not worthy. they have plenty of better things to do. and you are ugly. and you dont know the numbers."

"he doesnt like you. he will break up with you. who wants to be with such a mess? any, just any other girl is better than you. point one, and she is better. everyone is better than you. you come the last. he wont stay with you."

"dont eat. you are fat. if you eat, you go puke. i dont care if you havent been puking for a yr, no-one cares, will you ever understand that? dont eat you fat ass!"

"you are giant!"

"you are the ugliest!"

"how can you live with yourself. so lame!"

"dont go to london, you dont know the numbers, you cant change two trains. you are not smart!"

"go vomit!"

"dont call her for help!!!!! no-one can help you, you are lame!!"

"you stink. you are ugly!"

"he doesnt love you. trust me. there is nothing to love with you. say goodbye. trust me."

"no-one likes you, no-one cares about you. people think you are the lamest. you are weird. you have no friends. ofcourse you dont, you are stinky and lame.you will die alone and no-one will ever love you, you dont deserve it!"

"stop crying you bitch. you have no reason to cry. you deserve it. dont sleep! i said dont sleep!"

"you are the most selfish person i have ever known. you have no soul and no heart. you are no-one! you selfish bitch!"


the voice in my head just didnt stop.
it tortured me for days, didnt let me eat, didnt let me sleep.
but i did call out for help anyway, i did call my friend and asked her to come over because i cant take it anymore and all i want is to puke. i needed help. I asked her to stay with me. i asked her to go to town with me. i cried with her. i called another friend in the middle of the night because i was losing myself. i was losing control.
i was awake all night, and next one too, and next one i slept for just two hours becaus ei had nightmare. i had a dream the whole town gather together and bullied me. called me fat, ugly and not worthy.
I had dreams about my father yelling at me how dumbass i am and how lame i am.
after few days i got so exhausted i was sure i will give in. i couldnt take it anymore.

but my friend was with me most of the time when it got hard, my boyfriend less last week, he had his stuff. i wasnt used to it so i was panicing and dramatizing. to one point, i had reason, but from a certian point on, no.
i was so down i dont remember when was the last one bulimia attacked me so much, i think it was in summer.

i told my friend i dont wanna go to london and when i told her why, she was just wtf? so she told me she will take me to the airport, if she wouldnt, i would never go to lonodon because bulimia was winning me.
another friend also kept calling me, making sure i am getting ready for london and not giving in, because that would make bulimia win. also my boyfriend did kick my ass and told me to go.

but i was telling them, i cant read numbers and i am not good with english, i cant read signs and i will end up in menchester. they all tried to shut me down with: "wtf, says a woman who traveled half of the world????"
my friend came pick me up and took me to the airport.
i felt good as soon as i arrived to the airport.
it felt right.
airports are always good signs and alsways feel good.
it is where i belong. I am child of the world. I am born to travel.
incredible feeling of freedom.
all went well. arrived to Luton, took bus to the trainstation, took train to the king's cross, took underground 8 stops, changed a line and made it to my friends. while waiting for her to meet me outside, i thought to my self: "jeez, i really CAN read numbers!"

Time with my friend was absolutely great. it was easy going and the a bt wild going, but however, it made me overthink less and i was pretty relaxed and present. i like my friend.
We had great time together.
i met situations when i thought i will die, like meeting 20 new people for new year, eating junk food and not eating regulary, sleeping little and drinking some alcohol. all those are no no for me, but i maneged to survive and all was good. i was able to voice my needs, i asked for food when i was hungry and i didnt drink when i didnt feel like.
once we had dinner outside and as proper london ppl we had hamburguer, and i couldnt finish it because bulimia was with me, calling me fat and lame again. but i stopped eating and told her to fuck off, that i am in london with my beloved friend and i am not willing to miss this time just because she (bulimia) has too much time. so we left and outside i felt better. we met one of her friends and i wasnt nervous much, just a little bit because this voice in my head was telling me he wont like me because i am lame, but my friend told me he will love me becaus ei am so cool.
on the street it happened ofetn that guys looked after me or said hi, looked at me and my friend would go: "aaah look at you, you got a blink!" and i was just like: "nah, it wasnt for me!"
such things make me sad.
not that i need flirting, but i just want to acknowlege the fact i am attractive woman and not ugly. and those guys were very well looking, they were stylish.

anyway after i survived everything and met all the people i was afraid to meet and it didnt hurt afterall, i had that feeling like: "i know my life just got better!"
but when took my finaly train to the airport and i felt pretty ok, i thought to myself:
"you know what, IN YOUR FACE BULIMIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

she thoughht she can play games on me....well she still can, obviously, but i am getting stronger, you bitch!!


more IN YOUR FACE, Bulimia!

woke up early, couldnt sleep, i got ill. made myself breakfast and read a book, then spoke to my boyfriend and then had snack (glass of orange juice and cereal wit milk) i also had pretty heatlhy lunch. then went to the post office and around and stoped by in the local shop and bought myself a flower for because i care about myself and a "lucky bamboo" because i am doing well with my rehab.
i just thought if someone else was on a rehab that i knew, i would love to make him feel special and appreciated and would pay a lot of attention on little thoughts. my boyfriend is like this, he always pays a lot attention on my progress and always gets me something little just so i dont forget my fight is appreciated.
and so today i am my own friend and gave myself a gift.
my bamboo is called Faith.
now I have three plants at home, Love Faith and Hope.
Love is an orchid i got from my boyfriend two years ago -  one evening, when i was at the toilet puking as usually, my phone rang. I ignored it, as usual. after few hours i had 12 missed calls from one number. i ignored and did some more puking. next day the same. then finally i answered the phone and the lady on the other side said: i have something for you, am outside your house. would you mind coming outside?"
for me?
what on the earth?
it was a beautiful, big orchid with a note from my boyfriend.
I named her Love.

i am very bad with plants, but love has been surviving very well. i take good care of her and i am so proud of her. then there is Hope. i dont know what kind of plant it is, but i got it from my friend for recovering. the plant got lice and was dying. but i cut everything off, just let some roots, and after few weeks it started growing again, so I named her Hope. and my lucky bamboo is called Faith because there is always faith i will recover. bamboo i bought myself is pretty big and healthy and it represents my recovery.

I got two more plants from my friends regarding to my rehab, but one friend was shit so i got rid of her plant, i believed energy was bad, and with the another friend we had fight and i killed the plant she gave me. (im good with my friend now but have no plant of hers lol)

I hate bad energy. if you dont mean good, just stay out of my life.

in your face, bulimia!!

Broken Family

.... and, it happened!

I didnt get very merry during this year christmas.
So sad.
It was expected, sure, but reality hurts anyway.
 After the whole week of really working on myself and getting ready for xmas, first day up here was ok, but then i realize i cannot leave today, because today is a holiday as well so i am staying here until tomorrow morning. and just this one extra day was too much.
I can be with my family one day only, more than one day equals disaster.
Woke up late this morning, worn out and sad realizing I am still at my parent place. I just love my bed, I have new mattress, perfect and my body really loves it, but my room really got very cold and it is kind of more warehouse than someones room...but like i said, mattress is perfect. my room has a story.
three years ago, my mom and dad decided to renovate my room, to get at least new bed in, and then i got some money and they said: "oh now you have money, so you can buy yourself a room!"  that was enough for me to buy new furniture. I spent loads of money on it and soon I realized they played me well and so i hated my new room. I would never sleep in my room, never used my bed. I dont know how come i am using it now, i guess i just care about myself much more and i find it important to rest well.
So yah, I love my bed.
let me go back to my point.
I woke up I think around 10 in the morning and went downstairs, no-one was awake but my father. we had a little chat in the kitchen and my anxiety eased a little bit. went out with my dog, taught her two new tricks and things were ok, until lunch.
Lunch time as usually represented society danger, all of us together: not good!!! Run if you can!!!
First my father, who spent the whole xmas in comuter room ignoring us and walked out of that room few times a day and just made a mess, jelled at someone and then went back, started yelling at my grandmother (his mother) how fat she is and how she is ruining her life with smoking and overweight. she obviously refused that fact and so the fight began. then my mom said: "dont say it, you are even worse!" and he said: "if you were a good wife, you would cook healthy food for me and you would never let me wat white bread since you know i am not aloud to eat white bread......"  and I cut in between and said: "Stop, guys, stop. i cant listen to you guys anymore. at least when i am here dont discuss that shit...all you do is just blame one another. you behave like a kid!" and he ofcourse freaked out: "shut up, just shut up, you think the whole world runs around you, well it doesnt. you think you are smart ass but the truth is you are just no-body. you are 26 and you are like 70, so sick all the time and not able to take care of your self, when i was your age i didnt know what the doctor is. stay away from my life and from what me and your mother have, im done with you, you smartass!"
and he slamed the door and left.
I ofcourse started crying, felt very hurt and i just couldnt believe it did happen after all.
The whole xmas time we tried very hard to stay away from eachother, our home was very sad. my brother and his girlfrend spent most of the day or in thir room or outside, my grandma was outside smoking, my mom was making food or keeping herslef somewhere safe and I was there, waiting for the family moment, because i am too pussy to say "fuck u all, i dont care" and as a good daughter I came here so the "family" will be completed. and i seemed to be the onlyone who cared.
my father who was always torturing us with the fact xmas is family holiday and would never let us breath during xmas time totally let us down, like i said he was stuck in a computer room and every now and then he would just roar out of that room and made us feel like shits.

It was actually quite a schock to realize how my family changed and how skilled they have become in avoiding eachother. thats how they live now. and I keep that memory in my head : "family together together together.........." fucking together, because if i am not part of it i dont love them, i dont respect them, i am careless....and after all these years they are just not together and just dont care.
Iwas really surprized I was the only one who cared.
seriously?????

They just dont care!

after my casual fight with my dad my mom and my brther both started telling me: "dont care, dont let yourself feel bad because of him. it is not worth it and it will not change anything. it is always the same so just let go. forget about it dont torture youself."
I told them: "but i do. i care all the time, i cant let go, i am overthinking all the fucking time, i never let go. that is my bloody problem, get it????"
they dont understand. they both heard my words but i think they couldnt understand why i still give a fuck!!
I have been fucking raised that way!!!!!
my mom a little bit let go with me since i am on a rehab, but stills he is very possesive and she wants me next to her all the time bcause that makes her feel better, i am her filter between her and him. when i am at their place they have less time giving shit to wone another. so my mom even wants me to be with her for new year (WTF?!?!?!?) because thats how she will have someone with her and she wont be alone facing her failed marrige. but at one point sometimes she honestly let go and understands i cant be with her.
but before my rehab and before my mom discovered the world of eating disorders (that she never explored very well) she gave a lot of shit to me, she did. she was possesive to the point when she would want me next to her all the time, i want aloud to visit my friend on a wheelchair for more than 45 minutes, she would call me to come home and if i wouldnt, she would whine and complain how disrecpectful i am and if i love my friends more i should just move in with them if i dont care about family at all. she would call me selfish and she would always get uspet when i went out a little bit, she wanted to know who i go out with and why!
there was no chance for me not to come over for a weekend, that wasnt an option. she would drag me up to this place but my father would yell at me all the time and not let me go back home on sunday eve for example. he would always yell at me how all normal people get up earlier on monday morning and drive backt to ljubljana. but i didnt want to. i wanted to wake up in my bed in ljubljana on monday morning.
we would never spent weekends together, never did anything together, just eating and fighting. thats it.
sometimes my mom and i would start talking while having a coffee but never finished it because she never had nerves for me. in the middle of the conversation (i admit, most of the time i would talk) she would just leave, sometimes to do the laundery, sometimes to make some calls. my brother hasnt been very active with "family" since he has this girlfriend and my father spent all the weekends in computer room and yelling at us. we just never had any family time.
i was always called up to their place just so they dont need to interact with one another.
and i cared so much. so much i would talke all their poblems, biinge them, chew them and puked them!
i did my job great.
I was always such an easy prey.

have been refusing all those years the fact my family sucks. that wasnt an option, i could nevr admit, no matter who told me it sucks.... but recently i started realizing.... you know what..... to be honest.....my family sucks!
talk to my father alone, he might be nice sometimes, talk to my mothr alone, she might be very cool but both together is such a mistake and such a disaster!!!!

we are not family. we are not nice with one another. we dont have unconditional love running among us. there is no warmth among us. we are cold. we are separate and we dont care.

I cant really describe with words my sadden emotions.
Po celem telesu cutim zalost, v glavi slisim kricanje, na skupne druzinske trenutke imam grenke spomine. Nic lepega me ne veze na njih, in se vsak let trenutek, ki smo ga uspeli preziveti skupaj, je bil unicen z necloveskim prepirom....bodisi zaradi mene ali zarada oceta ali zaradi mojega brata ali zaradi unicenega zakona. ce vprasas mojega oceta, sem kriva jaz. vedno to rece. jaz in moj tezak, nevzdrzen, neznosen karakter. moja trma in slaba volja, moj cuden stil obnasanja ali pa moji slabi, depresivni dnevi.....kriva sem.
ce vprasas mene, je kriva nesrecna kombinacija dveh teles ki sta se spravili skupaj za voljo dveh novih zivljenj.
imam trenutke, ko si mislim....nisem jezna. ce bi bilo bolj prijazni do mene n bolj razumljivi, bi mogoce obticala z njimi, tako pa sem nasla neko alternativo in sem tik pred tem, da svobodno zazivim svoje zivljenje. nevem, prevec sem se zmedena, da bi razumela. ne trudim se vec razumet, rada bi odmislislila in se posvetila le sebi, svoji druzini, svoji prihodnosti, svoji ljubezni, svojim potrebam, svojim cutenjem.
Sem kriva jaz? ok! sprejmem. kriva sem sama, ampak pustite me pri miru. pustite me ziveti po svoje! dajte mi mir.

Koneckoncev sem vesela, da sem ta bozic prezivela z domacimi, saj sem pomoje dokoncno dojela, da moja druzina ni sveta in je krneki. v tej druzini ni nobene lepote, in nobene topline.

I am going back to my roots.