Saturday, November 8, 2014

Grey cloud

Lately I have struggled a lot. Such strange times. I mean I struggle every day like all of you with ed, but it seems like I got stuck now. I can't get out of this grey cloud. Its choaking me. It is like I wanna break free, but don't know how. It is like I wanna be happy, but I don't know how. I keep choosing bulimia over my life.
My little room where I deal with body pain and emotions and do yoga got stuffed up with junk, a slovely but surely over the past two months.

Rehab hasn't been my priority. I haven't worked much with my emotions, and I have neglected myself over all. It has been over two months since I did yoga last time.

I got my priorities wrong. I don't even know how I ended up with so much work.  Mostly because I can't say no. So I got way to many kids to work with. I love the kids but I don't love myself after a long day. All I can do at 6pm when I get home is breakdown and cry, and get myself together for some study before bed time.
I haven't cooked much lately which irritates me. I still depend on a quality home cooked food. I kind of reflect the food, and the food reflexes me. If a food is a junk food I feel like garbage. If the food is fast I feel restless. If the food is out of a bag I feel guilty.  If I don't take care of my meals is like I don't take care of myself. I show self love through food.
That's basic self love.

I just quickly grab a snack in the morning, without putting any thoughts into it, and I feel like a crap. Or I just buy some bread from the bakery, it is like I hate myself.
Through food I think about myself.
If I treat my meals pooorly, I treat myself even poorer.
I am still very bulimic.

Then I promise myself everyday that I will stop it and change it. How difficult can it be to get back to a good cooking......??? Well, very! Apparently!! I just can't break through. I come home so exhausted and I spend so much time with a melt down that I run out of time and energy to cook. My husband cooks sometimes for me but it just isn't the same.

I tried to catch a routine with getting up at 5.30am so I get some time by myself in the morning. I like it and it is going well, but it is not like I can do much. Before I even know I am run over by the everyday shit, and my morning hour is a drop into the ocean.

I lost the routine. I am freaking out. Literally.
I still depend on a routine so much, and this might never change.
And having no routine is like going 5 steps backwards.

I tried, mostly for the sake of my husband, and to proove myself I can live without the "friend who doesn't give a fuck about me"  to socialize a bit more lately. 1 out of 10 times give me some satisfaction but the rest is just "I did it because I am a human being and this is what humans do."
People are so tiring. I can't really talk about my depression and bulimia.... I hear stuff like "oh cmon Tas, you got it all " / "go for a run" / " that's because you are a woman!" / " have a kid. You all forget about your problems." / "we all have problems" / "just say no to your voices."
People know now that I am a bit more social now and they call me, they need me,they ask me shit, they tell me their problems, they wanna hang out ....... And it is tiring, gosh it is.
Sometimes I do feel very blessed to be loved by certain people (until the voices kick in) ... But I find it very difficult to hang out because I can't say I am feeling fine when I  spend most of my time numb and the other part I spend crying, and people are not ready to accept that. I find it very difficult. Also I find it difficult to be a friend! I don't fucking know how to be a  friend. Do I have to say something? Do I have to just listen? Do I have to be fun? It is hard to be a good friend when you don't feel a shit of your body and nothing has any value. It is difficult to be a friend with voices in your head commenting your behavior non stop: "you laugh weirdly! You are fat! You are boring! You are lame! What was that about? You sound weird ...etc"

That shall will pass, aye?

I miss my life, I miss myself, I miss my recovery so much!!!
I miss routine, cooking, and yoga! I miss making love. I miss music and I miss dancing.
I am not happy. Even music doesn't wake up anything inside me. I am cold. I feel like I could just spread my arms and dance, but the voices don't let me . bulimia doesn't let me. It doesn't want me happy.

It tells me that nothing in life has value. Nothing matters. Nothing is real. Nothing will stay. Nothing is worthed. Nothing is interesting.
No one means it when they say I am cool. They all take it. They all lie. Nothing is warm, nothing is certain.there is no love and no depth. There is no beauty.

Only emptiness.

But I am ready. I am ready for it to be over. I am ready to live. I am ready to feel. I am ready to love, to dance, to sing, and to be loved, I am ready to give and I am ready to accept. I am ready to believe again and to be faithful. I am ready to spread my arms and smile. I am ready to appreciate and I am ready to pray again. I am read to yoga, to create, to read, to write, to cook, to make love, to be s human. To be a wife. A friend. A daughter. A sister.
I am ready to be present! Oh boy I am ready for that!!!

Once every ten days I hit a good day, when the sleep was good, the moon is right, the hormone are leveled, the temperature is perfect, and over all everything falls into a place. When all of it fits, my voices are quiet and I live. I feel. I love. I smile. I laugh. I accept and I give!
Other times I am like a fog.

This is my prayer.

I pray to open my heart!!


I pray for you to open your heart!
I pray that we all find the perspective where life will make sense from.

I pray for us all to find faith. To believe in something so strong that even in the darkest days we have something to hold on.

I pray for us all to quit facebooks and and live. OK this one is for me, you keep Facebook if you want, but I waste so much time on it and we know what Facebook does to you.

People will poo on us. Trash us. Let us down. Dissapoint us. Those who we believed in the most. And those will hurt the most . and we might find it hard to let go. Ego will not let you go. But you have to do yourself a favour and give respect and let that mother fucker go!
If they don't give a shit you just have to have faith that even without their shit you will be fine. Just fine!

I actually don't know how to do it with my voices in my head all the time. when the voices are telling me I am worth nothing without that person and that my life is not as beautiful as hers it is difficult to keep my head above the water
.. I guess what helps me is that I don't fight back but I admit I am aching at the moment, of obviously missing her..... Then the pain lasts shorter than if I fight against it and look for the reasons why she isn't worth of my friendship and I feed my happiness only if I find a proof that her life isn't perfect....this shit is tiring ... but sometimes it just takes control and the voices maske me suffer and there is not much you can do about. My therapist tells me to tells myself :" OK, I am weak now. But this is not me."  I can't do it. Because it seems and feels like a reality, so this is me......


Ultimatelly you have to give yourself a permission to walk away from any situation that doesn't make you happy. Period.


Look for faith.

Because everything is OK. Just OK.









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