The idea of moving to New Zealand was rather exciting, and my entire body was buzzing from joy and excitement. I was so ready and so happy about it.
I never saw myself age in Slovenia anyway.
Ages ago I met a cristal-ball-lady and she said there is a gypsy soul living inside me (totally!) and therefore I am not a settler, I am a mover. She said I will leave Slovenia and won't come back.
So buzzing guts, happy heart, man that I couldn't love more by my side, and the bad ass words from a psychic --- It seemed as I am all set for the move.
But the last few days before we left I stopped eating, anxiety replaced the joy and excitement, fears replaced the courage.
I felt as I am dying.
Lesson #1: Moving hurts
Old pain came back -- Family!
Although they were very supportive of our decision,I couldn't stop feeling terrible and guilty.
"How will my mom survive without me? Am I giving up on them? How will my brother be?"
I felt like someone was tearing my heart apart. The sensation was so strong and so scary, it paralyzed me completely.
It was exactly the same to the one I had at one stage during my recovery when I was processing the cause of my eating disorder, processing the dark side of my family. It was the stage that lasted the longest and during that stage I wanted to quit my rehab every single day.
Realizing that my family is harming me (and themselves) broke my heart into pieces. I remember my therapist encouraging me (at one point telling me) not to visit them for a while, because they are so very toxic. I remember the image in my head and the sensation in my body as the world was falling literally apart, sinking into its own self. I physically couldn't breathe when processing that. The scariest thing ever. I saw the image and felt this sensation on the right side of my face.
The only truth I knew was now gone. If I have to live my life without them (not in a physical sense of the word but emotionally free from them) who am I then. My dad's opinion is the only one that counts and the way my mom takes care of the family is the only right way, and if one isn't as successful as my parents one is worth less, because my parents set up those standards for me and my brother. They were my only truth. And I was expected to let go of that truth and find my own one?
I'd rather die.
That was definitely the darkest time of my life and I honestly just wanted to die.
Without my family am I nobody.
That is what my mother brainwashed me to believe "Tasi, friends come and go, Family stays."
It never mattered that my bulimia was born in that family, that I grew up with domestic violence, my mother being extremely passive aggressive, my dad aggressive without boundaries... They were my truth.
I sort of processed that and with enormous amount of Jono's support I distanced myself from them at least so I could take a breathe and slowly, very slowly, I understood what my therapists were talking about and what did Jono mean everytime he said: "Babe, nothing matters, we are a family now."
The child inside me was screaming, but slowly I managed to say No to my parents, stand my ground. But the inner child, the abused and "the wrong one" was not healed.
If my parents blew at me I would still tip over. They could manipulate me with their eyes closed.
However - -
I sort of pulled myself together and made few grown ups decisions, which actually helped my relationship with my parents (although The inner child hasn't been healed yet) but moving to NZ threw me straight back into the pool of the biggest pain.... like I have never even touched that area before.
It was so painful.
All over I felt like my world is falling apart, sinking into its own self. Who am I if I am not defined by my mom and dad and my brother?
How will they be without me?
The biggest pain was related to my brother actually. The physical pain when I hugged him for the last time at the airport was just insane.
The burden I carried months and months after we moved to NZ because my mom suffers so much because we left was just too much.
I knew my dad will be alright because he is a very logical man, and he put one and one together, figured out we are be better off in NZ and that is good enough for him.
But my mom and my brother hit the very rotten old spot.
I felt so much sadness it was insane. It felt as I died and I talked to my family and friends from heaven every now and then. Everyone was so sad. It took me about two months to realize I am not dead and I have life to live, then additional four months to pull myself together and process the actual sadness and loss of identity.
I grieved for the streets of my city and I still dream of my village.
Lesson #2: What defines you? Should anything even define you but you?
The strangest sensation in the world - who am I?
Things, places and people that defined me up to this point are no longer there.
I am on my own. Alone.
Am i slovene? Balkan? Slavic? Mom and Dad's daughter? Such and such's best friend? His sister?Non of that was there for me to lean on, to point at and say "That's it! That's me. I belong there!"
I have heard people say things like "We own nothing. We belong to no-one and no-one belongs to us." but experiencing that in practice was rather -- uncomfortable.
All I had was my own self, and my story.
For someone with such amount of selfhate relying on my own self was really beyond me.
If I tell people I am from Slovenia that means nothing to them. They don't get any clearer picture of who I am.They don't know whether Slovenia is a country or food. If I tell them I am Bosnian they know even less. Or even worse, they make an assumption that i am a refuge. If I tell them I am from Ljubljana, it is like I said I am made out of marshmallows.
Nothing would put some sort of a frames on "who am I" - nothing but the way I spoke, the way I laughed, the way I interacted in that very moment. Me. Myself.
I don't know how, I don't know when, but it seemed to me as one day I just woke up stronger than ever before, relying on my own self, walking my own path. Still experiencing little to massive anxiety everytime I interacted with someone or just walked outside (It took me 6 months before I walked outside by myself for the first time), but I overcame it each and every time.
It is quite liberating, actually, to be pure, simple YOU.
But we grow up believing that family brings safety. The village brings safety. Community brings safety. Whatever we are familiar with brings safety. But no. It is the very raw core of ourselves that can bring you safety.
I relay on myself now. I can tell people who I am without looking for the definitions that would help them get the IDEA about me.... no ideas. just me. true me. Natasa. The way I am because of me.
Not because of my family, not because I am Slovene and Bosnian (although I love the fact I inherited Balkan temperament and passion), not because of the way I grew up, not because of anything but myself.
Every now and then fear of depression and bulimia arises, but now I have the tools to pull myself together as soon as I realize how I feel, and I have been doing quite well.
Lesson #3: When feeling lost - go back to basics!
I had a period of two weeks when I became so very sad. So sad and unsatisfied. I set with that feeling day after day, trying to figure out what is it about and what to do with it. Thanks goodness for all those years of therapy and meditation. I set still and went into my body. I felt the sadness and it really hurt me but after couple of weeks of hard work and trying to feel it, it became apparent that the sadness is all about loneliness. I feel lonely. Ever since we have moved we have been unsettled, and had no time and space to make new friends. I miss friendship hug, laughter, support... I have Jono and we are best friends, but at least one other friend. I was able to understand the feeling of sadness, and I was able to embrace my loneliness. Suddenly, it all made sense, my life made sense. My situation made sense. My feelings made sense. I am displaced. I belong nowhere and that is a pretty sad realization. I know that from a psychological point of view we shouldn't even aim for belonging in a sense of the attachment, but I am talking about belonging as safety. Belonging as home. As space where you can slow down, feel and recover. And we had no such place, because life circumstances turned out the way they did and life gave us few more lessons before it would give us the "belonging" ..
Lesson #4: I don't have to be a bitch
We moved to NZ with jobs waiting for us. But once we arrived they said they need additional 4 weeks before they can accept us. So there we were with no place to stay other than our parents. We needed this time because our relationship with Jono's parents was not glorious and we have been silently hurting one another big time for the past year and half. we needed some time together to restart the relationship, heal and recover from the invisible war.
it started off as a promising recovery, but after a week it all became even more painful. We simply can't meet my mother-in-law's criteria. We always disappoint, on all the levels. Either we sleep in for loo long or we don;t help around the house or we are using them or we are giving a vibe that they are too old to hang out with or we don't want to be engaged or we are too engaged or we aren't aiming high enough or we are aiming too high and are just the two dreamers or we don't earn enough or we are too generous or we let people use us or we are selfish or we are inconsiderate or we are too loud or too quiet. Being stuck in that situation for such a long time (we paid for food and at one point moved out) was both good and bad for us.... Good was that we protected out marriage so much that we would not once give my mother-in-law any material for any judgments which in practice meant I was the best behaved wife ever. I wasn't a bitch, I didn't comment every Jono's movement and I embraced him the way he is for the sake of not being seen as a difficult wife, I didn't whine and I didn't complain - at all! So, after this I had no more excused - If i could hold myself back for my parents in law I can hold myself back and not emotionally (ab)use Jono even if parents in law aren't around. Jackpot!!
But putting up a show for such a long period and being hurt by them because they just wouldn't embrace us as their children and treat us with unconditional love hurt both of us and the pain was real, especially for Jono as they were Jono's parents, so there was a lot of pain untreated and the day we left we both literally exploded. We hurt each other. But we also forgave eachother for all the bad words said in the fight and one more time proved to eachother how much we care and how grateful we are that that was our only second yelling fight we had in 6 years of relationship.
This was the moment that brought us closer again and for the first time I didn't see Jono as my support but someone I love and respect and someone whos heart can get broken as well and I should be there for him and support him just the way he always does for me. Very important break through in my behaviour and emotional development.
Lesson #5: You can only help this much
We took a role of teacher parents for the young boys (age 11-17) who have severe conduct disorder and mental health problems. With other words, for those from not a field of psychology - a very,very naughty boys. Their crimes vary from stealing cars, robbing big businesses, sexually assaulting other children and youth, heavy drug use and selling drugs, strong gang connections and being violent in public and their personal circle. They come from heartbreaking background and their stories tear your heart apart, cut it right open! Growing up as product of a rape, seeing mother geting raped and beaten on daily bases, being heavily beating yourself, often needed to be hospitalized because of the seriousness of the injuries, being not fed, starve most of your childhood, get beaten by bet by your mother everytime she got high and the worst of all -- being left in this situation until your mother dies and you are 11 and you lose your mind because now you are a teenager and you are angry and all you know is violence, drugs and sex, and you are on a loos and the crimes you commit and bigger now and you put innocent people at risk the social workers finally pick up their game and think now its tie for you to get tome help, and they look for people like us who are willing to help and who will take such cases on board. So there we were, with two boys (three more waiting to join our household but were put on hold because one of the boys was way too dangerous and first he needed to be replaced - to prison, because their is no such treatment available for such heavy cases) who do drugs everyday and night, hate the system and all they want to do is to destroy the system and evrything related to the system, including you, who give them food, a nice big sunny room, clothes, love and professional treatments. Their strategy to destroy you is very violent with daily assaults, both physical and verbal, to the point that police dispatcher recognizes your voice when you call the police. Their old pain coming out in a form that is painful for all of us, but you understand it. You know it is not the child's fault.
you can see the treatment work and soon they become to trust you a bit, though still attach you physically almost every day, and you can have some quite happy moments with them. You care so much for those boys that you love them with every fiber of your being yet at the same time you are scared of them because they can end your life at any point. We have been threatened to be killed on number of occasions and sometimes the treats were serious.
During the night they would be taking drugs, stealing from you, running out and coming back in the middle of the night and for every inappropriate behaviour you need to write an incident report and inform the police. Awake most of the nights, working hard from 7am till 11pm - in the mornings you need to get the household set up, shopping and cleaning, meeting lawyers, social workers, psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, teachers, in the afternoon you need to be with the boys delivering the treatment, therapies and keep them sober. You get one night a week off.
And as much as we cared for the boys and wished for them to get back on track and as much as their progress made our hearts sing and everytime they were able to hold a respectful conversation, ask you for an advice or simply love you was a magical moment, but we did't have enough support from our employers and support staff and we were burning out. We have one rule: always protect the marriage! so we left! We left the situation with broken hearts but stronger than ever before, closer than every before, more connected and more inlove and respecting eachother more than ever before.
The progress I made during this time was equivalent to 2 years of therapies on weekly bases.
Lesson #6: If you don't protect yourself, no-one else will
It wasn't easy to leave because we cared so much for the boys and they progressed so much and they cared for us too, and they have no-one else who cared for them. We made wonders with those boys, but we reached the limit. We asked for more support, asked for more time off, and although they guaranteed and always reminded us that they will do anything to support us, they failed to fulfill their promise. By they I mean our employers.
They actually didn't care how we felt. they olny cared about how much use do they have from us.
And they used our commitment and our good hearts.
Leaving was especially hard for me because the voices were screaming things such as: "you are a quitter!" "You should be grateful they gave you the job." "You are weak." "if only you were perfect they [the employers] would fight for you."
All this crap, but I managed to look our boss into his eyes and say "it is not good enough for us."
At last, we were free.
Lesson #7: Relationships require sacrifice
Although we were free at last, it wasn't time for us to settle yet.
We had my brother visiting. We loved having him here and he was the best support in those hard times and he was the best and the easiest visitor, but anyhow we were on the road all the time, traveling around NZ. I was ready to move in into the new house and settle and rest and sleep and recover, and make some friends....but not yet!
He is our brother. Our dearest friend. Our family. the relationship with him was our priority. Creating home will wait.
Once my brother left, my cousin arrived. Same thing.
Our creating a home needs to wait. Tired and exhausted but we knew that when all is over and we are safe, we will be very grateful for both of them (brother and cousin) visiting us. And we are.
Brother and I needed that time together. It brought us closer together.
For new friendships you need to put an effort in. Go out and try. Fail and try again.
I wish we could just tap someone's shoulders who seems interesting enough and say "Hey, would you be my friend? or Would you try to be my friend?" just like four year olds do.
For old friendship you need to put even more effot in, and no matter how sleepy you are at night you answer that call and answer the messages. No matter how tough your life is at the moment, you share your pain with your friend so you dont lose the depth of the friendship.
And you realize how many friendships dry out before you even land into the new country. But that's ok.
Lesson #8: Commit to stillness
Finally it was end of March and my cousin left and we committed to stillness. We slowed down.
We couldn't wait to create a home, go into the community, meet people, explore our new town, see where do we even live and who are the people we share this space with.
When we slowed down the pain and suffering had time and room to come out but also , this time I had room and time to feel and process it all. Processing was very unpleasant, but once I let go of those emotions beautiful things began to happen. I met my first friend. I freed myself from sadness. Jono's mom and dad started putting effort into the relationship (we are all good now), my body stopped hurting me, I continued with yoga and meditation again, I began to create and write, and most importantly- I began to feel and understand. And belong.
Bonus lesson: If you have to push it, Don't! Just leave it. Let it become ripe.
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