yesterday i had time, sun was shining and i had scissors so i cut my hair, not much but new hair cut is quite obvious and for a change, i feel very good! i suits my makeup free face which makes life way easier. i can stand myself infront of the mirror for more than 3 minutes. cool!
There are still nightmares catching up with me and my mind is very sick, its not that I just feel amazing all day long without stress and drama, but there are moments when i just feel power of life, my own power. I dance everyday, i meditate almost everyday and i practice yoga everyday...my now time life is the most alike like life before bulimia. i recognize this person within me and i am happy she has come around again. has been awhile and i really missed her.
when it rains i go out, happy as i can be, spread my arms and dance; i dance in the middle of the street,acting like no-one ever judged me before, like am free. I AM FREE. What I love the most about my freedom is that people join me. people dance with me, especially children, people smile with me, people notice. they dont judge or ask whats wrong with me, they simple dance along. its in my power.
its amazing to have full fridge of food and most of the time not struggle with all the food available.. its amazing i can say no to sweets when i dont feel like sweets, its so good i trust my body after such a long time...like my friend, the one who beat bulimia, said once to me "you cant have everything you want from the fridge, you have to learn that you can have one food and later or tomorrow or in two days, you will have another thing...as with food as with life" for me, back then, that sounded like absolute mission impossible but today, am at that point. I dont worry about the food, most of the time i dont think about food because that's my boyfriends job lol so i can let my mind go and trust he will make sure i get fed. i dont know what i will do when am back to slovenia, but right now its feeling so good to be food-thinking-free!!!!
Most of the time i dont feel hungry and everytime he asks me what i feel like eating, i dont have the answer, so so far we have both learned that asking me what i wanna eat is meaningless and it works when he appears with food and i simply join him. aaaaaah food is currently not my concern!! how awesome is that!!
for you probably that seems funny that am so excited about it, but i really feel like a child, who never worries what to eat for dinner, breakfast, lunch.... cmon, thats why he has mommy! :) and its same with me now. just maybe i feel like a child having holidays at his grandmas, when there are no worries at all, just unlimited time to play! while i read book, hang out outside, dance, meditate, goof, walk ... my boyfriend thinks of dinner, breakfast, lunch! dont get me wrong, am not a fancy girlfriend who doesnt cook, ofcourse i do, but when he reminds me its time for dinner. haha otherwise am too busy living life fully, that doesnt happen so often in bulimia life!
i feel power within me, power for life, power for recovery. i have my vision of getting well very soon, i see beautiful lady at the end of my bulimia journey (tho probably there's no end of that journey as I will be living up with this experience for the rest of my life). she is beautiful, powerful woman, woman, who is able to stand up for her life and for the sake of all who anyhow struggle, trys make changes. yah, long way till then.. but i actually dont wanna fast forward my rehab as i am really enjoying watching myself grow at the moment.
I am thinking about how much power we have within us! we can change everything, it is in our power to make a difference, it is in our power to grow into a good person, to make other lives more comfortable.. we all have that super power for good.. but yah, for some reason before u use it for good u have to practice on using it for bad. its so much easier i guess.
sometimes these days i am so excited about feeling good I even catch myself saying: "back in time when i was sick..." lol too excited i suppose :) but so far am very happy with my progress and if i can make it, everyone can!!!
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