parents place is not good for my rehab.
nah nah!!
Here, I catch myselft eating more, eating without control and eating when not hungry.
Mostly in the evening.
During the day all the food seem so disgusting to me, I struggle with breakfast, have been 3 mornings I haven't eat, just had a coffee. I went to the toilet though, but that is not a deal. A deal is I eat in the morning and have coffee. When lunch tiime I am pretty much very hungry, but always, when think of food, my stomach shuts and I feel like vomiting most of the time. That of course put me in a bad mood and my stomach is aching. I feel sick and desperately look for the perfect food that calms my stomach down. I dont know why, but chocolate has been the selected food .... not good for bulimic on rehab to eat chocolate...thats how binging starts.
I think to my self...damn it, I had chocolate, now I really need something salty....I reach for more junk food and that makes me have more chocolate....and so on and so on.... and I end up finishing one or two 100g chocolates, three to five pieces of bread... ofcourse I feel even more sick but that doesnt stop me from thinking about next meal for my stomach. My body must hate me. so 7pm - 11pm I just eat. at 11 pm I feel like balloon and definitely dont feel like shower. ugly and fat I pass out and thats when nightmares begin.....
always the same. there is a friend of mine, we attended group therapy together, she has anorexia...she comes to me crying and whining: "I am so fat" in that point I lose it.... I start yelling: "shut up, just shut up!! you have been complaining but look at you, you are the skinniest and I am really fat. I hate my self." then I vomit and vomit and vomit for hours.
When I get up, I am worn out. It really feels like I vomited in my dreams and thats how another bad day starts!!
With swollen face, swollen stomach and big headache. ofcourse from all the food last night I really dont feel like having a breakfast, so I skip it. and so I skip lunch and binge the dinner again. It happens to me every time I am at my parents place. When I am back at my home, I dont keep any food, only what i really need. But even when I buy myself a chocolate, I am fine with only a piece and then I leave it, but when overe here, I cant stop. I am losing a grip.
I trully believe I am getting fat again and I have those thought about putting myself on a diet, no-food-one. I believe I need to start running everyday and only drink water. Those evel thoughts are back. I have no trust in 3to5-meal-healthy diet that has been so good for me so far.
I hate my self for eating that much these days, and most of my diet was chocolate and junk food.
my poor stomach is aching.
I feel very bulimic these days.
It is hard for me to go for a walk, to meet with people and to talk on the phn. I am losing the fight.
Today, I got up low, talked to my boyfirend so that time I was calmer, but even uglier. The voice attacked me: "ugly woman, you dont deserve him, as soon as he finds a more beautiful woman, he will leave you. if he doesnt, then he is stupid!!"
After that, I got uncontrolled nervous....my parents are coming back home today, early int he afternoon. That made me shake.
also I dont feel fine with my brother's girlfriend around. the energy here seems to be very unsafe and unhealthy for me. I cant explain how i actually feel, but at the moment I feel dead. Nothing feels real. I think I am blown away. Far away from reality. Deep back to the past. All the feelings of fear, scarceness, anger, sadness ... have come back. I believe none of it has anything to do with my present, but it is impossible to control it.
Its not worth to fight.
Thats how it seems at the moment, though I know I will not give up the fight!!!
I cant wait for tomorrow to have a therapy, I need a therapy.
I feel pressure when here.
Pressure that doesnt let me breath normaly and doesnt let me dream, doesnt let me be myself and dosnt let me laugh. Once again, I am feeling so dead at the moment.
Who am I? what do I represent? I forgot my mission, I forgot the reason why keep up fighting, I forgot everything.
Unsafe place.
I am so sorry that my family is not safe for me. I am doing much much better without them...because I am can be free. Because I live with the flow and I do feel life. I trust life and there is no unneeded worry.
I believe, I have been trough soooooo much even my parents wont be ever, I learned so much about life and I know, there are things, that simply dont matter. Little things are not important.....such as: what people think about you, what time you go to bed, what do you eat, who do you talk to....blah blah blah! That doesnt matter and when I am alone, I dont bother myself with this kiind details. NO. I pay more attention on living. I know I am able of that. I know I can. Life makes much more sense with my way of thinking and if there is someone who stop me from that thinking, I lose myself!
I shut myself down, I shut my body down, I get cold and not really nice. I am totally different person, person, even I dont recognize. And I dont like this person!!
My nature is very free, very gypsy and very artistic. I am free prerson.
I dont like to see my freedom is taken away!!
Makes me sick, makes me throw up, makes me reject my own self and I become my own enemy.
I have grown enough to see the point, what is actually happening to me!
that must be a good start!
nah nah!!
Here, I catch myselft eating more, eating without control and eating when not hungry.
Mostly in the evening.
During the day all the food seem so disgusting to me, I struggle with breakfast, have been 3 mornings I haven't eat, just had a coffee. I went to the toilet though, but that is not a deal. A deal is I eat in the morning and have coffee. When lunch tiime I am pretty much very hungry, but always, when think of food, my stomach shuts and I feel like vomiting most of the time. That of course put me in a bad mood and my stomach is aching. I feel sick and desperately look for the perfect food that calms my stomach down. I dont know why, but chocolate has been the selected food .... not good for bulimic on rehab to eat chocolate...thats how binging starts.
I think to my self...damn it, I had chocolate, now I really need something salty....I reach for more junk food and that makes me have more chocolate....and so on and so on.... and I end up finishing one or two 100g chocolates, three to five pieces of bread... ofcourse I feel even more sick but that doesnt stop me from thinking about next meal for my stomach. My body must hate me. so 7pm - 11pm I just eat. at 11 pm I feel like balloon and definitely dont feel like shower. ugly and fat I pass out and thats when nightmares begin.....
always the same. there is a friend of mine, we attended group therapy together, she has anorexia...she comes to me crying and whining: "I am so fat" in that point I lose it.... I start yelling: "shut up, just shut up!! you have been complaining but look at you, you are the skinniest and I am really fat. I hate my self." then I vomit and vomit and vomit for hours.
When I get up, I am worn out. It really feels like I vomited in my dreams and thats how another bad day starts!!
With swollen face, swollen stomach and big headache. ofcourse from all the food last night I really dont feel like having a breakfast, so I skip it. and so I skip lunch and binge the dinner again. It happens to me every time I am at my parents place. When I am back at my home, I dont keep any food, only what i really need. But even when I buy myself a chocolate, I am fine with only a piece and then I leave it, but when overe here, I cant stop. I am losing a grip.
I trully believe I am getting fat again and I have those thought about putting myself on a diet, no-food-one. I believe I need to start running everyday and only drink water. Those evel thoughts are back. I have no trust in 3to5-meal-healthy diet that has been so good for me so far.
I hate my self for eating that much these days, and most of my diet was chocolate and junk food.
my poor stomach is aching.
I feel very bulimic these days.
It is hard for me to go for a walk, to meet with people and to talk on the phn. I am losing the fight.
Today, I got up low, talked to my boyfirend so that time I was calmer, but even uglier. The voice attacked me: "ugly woman, you dont deserve him, as soon as he finds a more beautiful woman, he will leave you. if he doesnt, then he is stupid!!"
After that, I got uncontrolled nervous....my parents are coming back home today, early int he afternoon. That made me shake.
also I dont feel fine with my brother's girlfriend around. the energy here seems to be very unsafe and unhealthy for me. I cant explain how i actually feel, but at the moment I feel dead. Nothing feels real. I think I am blown away. Far away from reality. Deep back to the past. All the feelings of fear, scarceness, anger, sadness ... have come back. I believe none of it has anything to do with my present, but it is impossible to control it.
Its not worth to fight.
Thats how it seems at the moment, though I know I will not give up the fight!!!
I cant wait for tomorrow to have a therapy, I need a therapy.
I feel pressure when here.
Pressure that doesnt let me breath normaly and doesnt let me dream, doesnt let me be myself and dosnt let me laugh. Once again, I am feeling so dead at the moment.
Who am I? what do I represent? I forgot my mission, I forgot the reason why keep up fighting, I forgot everything.
Unsafe place.
I am so sorry that my family is not safe for me. I am doing much much better without them...because I am can be free. Because I live with the flow and I do feel life. I trust life and there is no unneeded worry.
I believe, I have been trough soooooo much even my parents wont be ever, I learned so much about life and I know, there are things, that simply dont matter. Little things are not important.....such as: what people think about you, what time you go to bed, what do you eat, who do you talk to....blah blah blah! That doesnt matter and when I am alone, I dont bother myself with this kiind details. NO. I pay more attention on living. I know I am able of that. I know I can. Life makes much more sense with my way of thinking and if there is someone who stop me from that thinking, I lose myself!
I shut myself down, I shut my body down, I get cold and not really nice. I am totally different person, person, even I dont recognize. And I dont like this person!!
My nature is very free, very gypsy and very artistic. I am free prerson.
I dont like to see my freedom is taken away!!
Makes me sick, makes me throw up, makes me reject my own self and I become my own enemy.
I have grown enough to see the point, what is actually happening to me!
that must be a good start!
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