sleep - eat - work - eat - work - eat - sleep - give up - dont give up - eat - sleep - eat - work - ..... survive.
Dont know how I feel, dont know what I want.
It started slowly, I could tell the day when it started, and day by day it took control over me.
My mind is sick, telling me not to eat, telling me I am fat and telling me I am a mistake.
Telling me if I take another cherry tomato, I will fatten and destroy everything I've achieved by now.
Telling me, I can pour only 5 spoons of milk to my morning coffee, if more, I will go to hell.
it is yelling at me I should eat barbs free food and the smallest amounts possible.
It made me buy baby bowls, so when I eat cereals, soup, spinach ets ... I serve it in that small bowl. once I took another portion of soup and I was punished so baaaad.
It counts my pieces of meat, never more than 10 little chopped pieces. eleventh can kill me.
Salami should be eaten plain, with no bread with.
Yogurt only the plain one, fruit yogurt is a crime.
Chocolate is prohibited and so is fruit.
I count calories most of the day and just spend time infront of the mirror, hating my body.
When normal moments, I am horrified but not strong enough to break it when its talking a control over me.
I know I can only keep my weight when I eat most of the food, randomly, whatever I need in that moment and have been doing it so well already, but then something happened.
Not sure what.
Could be just a matter of my recovering but I believe all food-madness came back so strong because I have been working much more last few weeks and I spend a lot of energy working with kids, playing with them during their recess. I run with them up and down like crazy, I chase them and lift them up and down. I am always on a move, and I can tell, when 15 children want you to chase them and play football with them, it is quite exhausting at the end of the day. I can see this when I am normal, but most of the time I am everything but reasonable... I made myself believe I MUST have lunch at 1, but when break at 12, I am already dying to get that food, so hungry. and I feel super guilty every fucking single day for having lunch at 12.
Same is with dinner. Before, I had dinner at 6, but nowdays, I am starving at 4, when make it home from work. So first thing once am home is making dinner/lunch and theres nothing worse for my stupid mind.
And so I put fight every time I make myself food and later, when I finish it.
WHY DID YOU EAT??????? WEAK ASS!!!!
is shouting at me!!!
I am afraid of not eating anything though, but my mood depends on how empty my stomach is.
I am happy when I am hungry and there's no food in my stomach, oh if only i could keep it like this forever.
I get depressed big time when I put some food to my stomach.
In a second food comes to the stomach, I get HUGE!!!! my face gets fat, my ass grows gigantic, my legs are not able to move from all the fat. My fingers are ugly and so are my feet. All the cloths look like I got them at the red cross charity on me, not looking decent. My style seems to be soooooo last year and I am just boring. For sure not ready to leave my room. So ugly and fat I stay at home, not knowing what's happening outside, not knowing whats happening with myself, not understanding my emotions.
empty but not empty, depressed but not depressed.
FEARFUL of getting fat. Fat can not be good. Fat is ugly and fat is not worth to live. Fat has no future and fat can not be loved. Fat is gross. Fat is me.
My the biggest fear is I am fattening every second and so I am ruining my life.
Everyone is more beautiful.
My doctor told me to stay with that fat, ugly feeling for five minutes and try to feel whatever is to be felt. To be with that feeling for a little while and place it in some time of my life. Wait for the answer my body is about to give me, if only I stay with the pain. I should pay attention on what is happening with my body at that particular time, on what thought triggers the fat feeling.
Fuck, I can not tell you how hard that is.
Thats most definitely the hardest part of recovering for me. I just dont know how to stay with that feeling as it takes control over me immediately.
it is so hard to keep up with everyday life, with people, friends ... I cant.
I sleep a lot, which is good. my doctor says the body processes everything during the sleep, which is only good. But again, my mind proved how sick it is when it fought with me I shouldnt waste time on sleeping during the day, being lazy and useless!! I should be fine by now. Doctor laughed : "no no, thats not how it goes. it doesnt go that fast. just think of all the sleepless time and all the suffering your mind and body have been trough in last 10 years. you can not catch up with all the leak of the sleep with only several afternoon naps. no no!"
She also tells me my down moments are very normal and that is only a sign I have been moving forward. Re-feeling everything, re-learning about emotions and life, recovering!!!
She told me it will take lots of time to get well. Things go slow and being down is the only opportunity to process all the pain I carry inside my mind and my body. Thats the only way for me to get over bulimia.
Bulimia is one of the biggest addictions and being an addict takes loads of time to live up normally.
Until then, there is nothing to be done but focus 200% on a rehab and work hard.
oh Lord, give me some more strength!
Dont know how I feel, dont know what I want.
It started slowly, I could tell the day when it started, and day by day it took control over me.
My mind is sick, telling me not to eat, telling me I am fat and telling me I am a mistake.
Telling me if I take another cherry tomato, I will fatten and destroy everything I've achieved by now.
Telling me, I can pour only 5 spoons of milk to my morning coffee, if more, I will go to hell.
it is yelling at me I should eat barbs free food and the smallest amounts possible.
It made me buy baby bowls, so when I eat cereals, soup, spinach ets ... I serve it in that small bowl. once I took another portion of soup and I was punished so baaaad.
It counts my pieces of meat, never more than 10 little chopped pieces. eleventh can kill me.
Salami should be eaten plain, with no bread with.
Yogurt only the plain one, fruit yogurt is a crime.
Chocolate is prohibited and so is fruit.
I count calories most of the day and just spend time infront of the mirror, hating my body.
When normal moments, I am horrified but not strong enough to break it when its talking a control over me.
I know I can only keep my weight when I eat most of the food, randomly, whatever I need in that moment and have been doing it so well already, but then something happened.
Not sure what.
Could be just a matter of my recovering but I believe all food-madness came back so strong because I have been working much more last few weeks and I spend a lot of energy working with kids, playing with them during their recess. I run with them up and down like crazy, I chase them and lift them up and down. I am always on a move, and I can tell, when 15 children want you to chase them and play football with them, it is quite exhausting at the end of the day. I can see this when I am normal, but most of the time I am everything but reasonable... I made myself believe I MUST have lunch at 1, but when break at 12, I am already dying to get that food, so hungry. and I feel super guilty every fucking single day for having lunch at 12.
Same is with dinner. Before, I had dinner at 6, but nowdays, I am starving at 4, when make it home from work. So first thing once am home is making dinner/lunch and theres nothing worse for my stupid mind.
And so I put fight every time I make myself food and later, when I finish it.
WHY DID YOU EAT??????? WEAK ASS!!!!
is shouting at me!!!
I am afraid of not eating anything though, but my mood depends on how empty my stomach is.
I am happy when I am hungry and there's no food in my stomach, oh if only i could keep it like this forever.
I get depressed big time when I put some food to my stomach.
In a second food comes to the stomach, I get HUGE!!!! my face gets fat, my ass grows gigantic, my legs are not able to move from all the fat. My fingers are ugly and so are my feet. All the cloths look like I got them at the red cross charity on me, not looking decent. My style seems to be soooooo last year and I am just boring. For sure not ready to leave my room. So ugly and fat I stay at home, not knowing what's happening outside, not knowing whats happening with myself, not understanding my emotions.
empty but not empty, depressed but not depressed.
FEARFUL of getting fat. Fat can not be good. Fat is ugly and fat is not worth to live. Fat has no future and fat can not be loved. Fat is gross. Fat is me.
My the biggest fear is I am fattening every second and so I am ruining my life.
Everyone is more beautiful.
My doctor told me to stay with that fat, ugly feeling for five minutes and try to feel whatever is to be felt. To be with that feeling for a little while and place it in some time of my life. Wait for the answer my body is about to give me, if only I stay with the pain. I should pay attention on what is happening with my body at that particular time, on what thought triggers the fat feeling.
Fuck, I can not tell you how hard that is.
Thats most definitely the hardest part of recovering for me. I just dont know how to stay with that feeling as it takes control over me immediately.
it is so hard to keep up with everyday life, with people, friends ... I cant.
I sleep a lot, which is good. my doctor says the body processes everything during the sleep, which is only good. But again, my mind proved how sick it is when it fought with me I shouldnt waste time on sleeping during the day, being lazy and useless!! I should be fine by now. Doctor laughed : "no no, thats not how it goes. it doesnt go that fast. just think of all the sleepless time and all the suffering your mind and body have been trough in last 10 years. you can not catch up with all the leak of the sleep with only several afternoon naps. no no!"
She also tells me my down moments are very normal and that is only a sign I have been moving forward. Re-feeling everything, re-learning about emotions and life, recovering!!!
She told me it will take lots of time to get well. Things go slow and being down is the only opportunity to process all the pain I carry inside my mind and my body. Thats the only way for me to get over bulimia.
Bulimia is one of the biggest addictions and being an addict takes loads of time to live up normally.
Until then, there is nothing to be done but focus 200% on a rehab and work hard.
oh Lord, give me some more strength!
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