So tired of it.
I dont know where did the good feeling go??
I remember having it.
Cant stop myself from comparing myself to other women, of course to the skinny ones. In my head I quietly make plans how to eat less, how to train more and how to lose all the fat on my body.
I havent seen my friends in weeks now, again. They keep poking me and txting me, telling me they miss me and asking me to catch up, but I have no strength and no will to hang out.
I simply cant.
Most of the day I spend wondering how to change my ugly self, spend it on planning diets, spend it infront of the mirror, crying while looking at my fat stomach.
I spend time on counting calories and cutting meals off, thinking about the lightest dinner and the lightest snacks for the next day.
Then I eventually drop it and fall asleep.
I dream bad, dream people preach to me why I dont keep the diet, why I eat lunch, why I dont shave my legs everyday, why I dont jog, why I dont meditate, why I dont practice yoga daily ....??? why why why.
all my deepest thoughts come out. I wake up, not knowing what day it is and continue living life on a energy low mode.
I dont even know how I actually feel. Well, way way better than two months ago, but still far from how I am aiming to feel int he future.
I am afraid am I am falling into manic mode, shutting myself down from the outside world, spending all the free time thinking about food and not feeling comfortable about myself.
I have been so good, appreciated my progress and my body, then dark times came across ...
I dont respect my body at this stage, am making fun of it.
I am afraid to put my jeans on because I believe I have gained some weight and would literally lost it if I realize I actually have gained weight.
But if I dont touch my jeans, I dont pay much attention on how I look....so I just put some random clothes on and head into the world. Not fun!
Dnt want it. I knew I have been better, Only couple of weeks ago.
It might be that all is fine, all good and its only my sick mind making up some stories. It might be all is fine and is just me, lost a connection with my inner self.
Yah, maybe everything is ok and it is just my stupid sick mind making fun of me. teasing me and testing me.
fuck you.
What if none of it is real?
what if all is just a dream?
A terrible nightmare.
What if I will wake up and there will be no bulimia, no selfhate, no doubts and no depression?
What if I am just normal average person, and yah, all this is just a nightmare.
well, it is a nightmare, can someone please wake me up.
Im losing my temper I am tired of doubting in myself all the time and tired of comparing myself with others all the time.
my poor body suffers therefore!
I am losing my mind literally comparing myself to others.
Cant take it any more, wanna live in peace, believing am good enough.
I should be good enough.
I am currently working in quite safe space, I have good rewarding job, I have my disease under control a bit, I am doing better..... but still dont have it enough??
sure I dont, am one of the fattest people I get to meat on a daily bases.
All of them s thinner.
And all of them are older than me and have children and all of them look amazing. I look awful.
I do have my reason why bulimia.
I am not as beautiful as others.
I mught be nicer person with deeper stories, but I am bigger, so nthing else matters.
Today, during lunch time, some teachers talked about ED. Each of them knew at least one girl with anorexia, but non with bulimia.
They discussed about anorexia, how person with anorexia chooses not to eat so at least something in her life is under her control...pretty much true. then one said: bulimia is that one with bulimia loves food, enjoys the food.
FAIL!
BUlimia has nothing to do with enjoying the food. At least for me I can tell food for me doesnt have any taste and any shape. Its just a shot.
I was kind of hurt when I heard her saying that, I dont even know why I felt hurt and probably didnt have any reason to feel hurt, but i felt like "oh my fucking god, people believe we are pigs, fat people!" well, we indeed are pigs, but in my world its a crime to admit or say you enjoy the food. you always say you arent hungry, you eat healthy, you eat little and yah, never ever admit you eat more than bird can eat.
and someone saying you like food is like telling you !"you fat bastard you are not able to control your self. liking food is a sign of weakness!!!"
Well, I really wished today I wouldnt have ED!
And I wish I could scream "stooooooooop talking about Eating Disorders!!!! you have no idea what ED is!!!!!!!!!"
anyways, will be good, just need to relax and try jeans on again.
I might realize I havent gained any weight and all is good.
Please, depression, If you are about to come, dont. stay away for couple of more months, I dnt need you now, need to enjoy the sweetness of my so-far-recovery.
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