Im so tired of my condition, of bulimia, trying to run my life and make me fight every single minute.
I learned couple of tricks to control it, but most of them only deepen my obsession with food and with wanting to lose 20 kg, NOW!
This moment.
I hate the way I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way I walk and talk. I hate my body and I hate my full stomach. I need to keep my stomach as empty as possible, otherwise there come troubles.
I took mirrors off the wall and I dont wash my teeth in the bathroom anymore, because everytime I see my self I get reminded how awful I am.
I am tired of being so confused, not knowing who I am and where I belong. Tired of not really knowing what I want and of not seeing my future as bride as I hope it will be.
Tired of doubting, tired of fear, tired of tears.
Tired of not feeling my life, my self and my body. Tired of fighting and tired of facing food.
Tired of not accepting compliments, tired of not seeing how much people care of me and tired of not seeing all the respect I get.
I believe, if only I could lose those 20 kg, everything would be different, or if not slimming down, I am sure if only i could smile differently, everything would be better. Or if only I could change my ugly feet, life would all of a sudden get nicer.
School is over, and I dont have a safe place to go everyday. I feel naked.
I only felt good at work, with children around and with those nice people around.
School is where I belong to.
There, I can hear up the compliments, I feel good about my work and I accept love from my children.
Everything is just the way it should be.
As soon as I leave that place, I dont know who I am anymore.
I am lost and confused.
I mind my weight, I mind my look and I mind my ugly face.
I dont see anything, I dont feel love and I dont feel how good I am out here. Its not safe.
I am tired of my sick miind telling me all those stupid things, tired of feeling less than others, tired of rough society.
Tired of slovenia, just wanna take of and move to new zealand or even better to africa. I cannot be happy if I dont go to africa soon.
My heart is breaking.
my body is breaking.
My mind is breaking.
I am tired of carrying all this burden! I need to take a rest, rest from everything and everyone.
I dont understand my emotions, I dont understand my love.
Everything that I love the most is so far away from me.
So far away.
My doctor says I should take time, 20 mins a day, to go into my emotions, go deep and listen up what my body is trying to tell me. but thats painful! i cant do it.
It hurts. Its easier to avoid the situations which make me wanna puke.
But she says, Thats the only way I will really get over.
I dont know how I feel about my family, about my friends and people I know.
Everywhere I go, I would lie if I say anything else, but people love me. they are happy to see me, they love me and believe I am a special woman, thats what they say, thats what they tellme.
But I end up crying and hating myself no matter what..
how long?
I learned couple of tricks to control it, but most of them only deepen my obsession with food and with wanting to lose 20 kg, NOW!
This moment.
I hate the way I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way I walk and talk. I hate my body and I hate my full stomach. I need to keep my stomach as empty as possible, otherwise there come troubles.
I took mirrors off the wall and I dont wash my teeth in the bathroom anymore, because everytime I see my self I get reminded how awful I am.
I am tired of being so confused, not knowing who I am and where I belong. Tired of not really knowing what I want and of not seeing my future as bride as I hope it will be.
Tired of doubting, tired of fear, tired of tears.
Tired of not feeling my life, my self and my body. Tired of fighting and tired of facing food.
Tired of not accepting compliments, tired of not seeing how much people care of me and tired of not seeing all the respect I get.
I believe, if only I could lose those 20 kg, everything would be different, or if not slimming down, I am sure if only i could smile differently, everything would be better. Or if only I could change my ugly feet, life would all of a sudden get nicer.
School is over, and I dont have a safe place to go everyday. I feel naked.
I only felt good at work, with children around and with those nice people around.
School is where I belong to.
There, I can hear up the compliments, I feel good about my work and I accept love from my children.
Everything is just the way it should be.
As soon as I leave that place, I dont know who I am anymore.
I am lost and confused.
I mind my weight, I mind my look and I mind my ugly face.
I dont see anything, I dont feel love and I dont feel how good I am out here. Its not safe.
I am tired of my sick miind telling me all those stupid things, tired of feeling less than others, tired of rough society.
Tired of slovenia, just wanna take of and move to new zealand or even better to africa. I cannot be happy if I dont go to africa soon.
My heart is breaking.
my body is breaking.
My mind is breaking.
I am tired of carrying all this burden! I need to take a rest, rest from everything and everyone.
I dont understand my emotions, I dont understand my love.
Everything that I love the most is so far away from me.
So far away.
My doctor says I should take time, 20 mins a day, to go into my emotions, go deep and listen up what my body is trying to tell me. but thats painful! i cant do it.
It hurts. Its easier to avoid the situations which make me wanna puke.
But she says, Thats the only way I will really get over.
I dont know how I feel about my family, about my friends and people I know.
Everywhere I go, I would lie if I say anything else, but people love me. they are happy to see me, they love me and believe I am a special woman, thats what they say, thats what they tellme.
But I end up crying and hating myself no matter what..
how long?
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