prejsnji dan sm neki pametovala kako naj se vsak zamisli nad sabo in naj koplje globje, ce res hoce najt pravo zadovoljstvo, dans pa sedim ze cel dan v hisi, wasting time and feeling empty. oh well.
Made it to my parents place yesterday eve. As soon as I walked in, I lost big piece of myself. It feels empty, it feels frightening, like all the bad thoughts were woken up. I dont actually know any more why I am still doing it. I clearly see I am not doing fine over here, but its a habit or something that keeps me coming back. parents are away thou, but here, I feel so lonely. I feel like the whole world is cold, empty and ugly. I feel like I have no-one on my side. its awful. Things dont have any value and I am totally 100% shut down. Theres no feelings, theres no smile, no teas and no real emotions. I dont recognize myself and this emptiness is killing me inside. I barely talk. have no impulse of life. dead. shut down. empty.
Went early to bed last night, had awful night, sleep was short and full of nightmares. Kept waking up every hour. literally every hour, fearful and doubtful. had crazy thoughts of finding bad news on facebook and on email, so went online, in the middle of the night, found nothing bad online and tried to fall asleep again. got up at 7am, tried badly to sleep some more but couldnt so woke up and ever since, I am just a plant in a corner.
no life.
my beloved friend got baby the other day, the best news ever. i felt how the world has changed and how everything is getting better. really felt the power of baby angel's birth. felt so fulfilled and blessed, how lucky I am to be part of that beautiful life. my life is ful of some wonderful people and I knew it! I knew I am that special one, who god prized with such angels. I did feel alot. every day I feel more. from monday trough friday, then I shut down.
today, while lazy chill down, doing nothing, feeling nothing also thinking nothing, I got the message saying: "Hi, I just want to let you know that our boys are missing you a lot. J said: "oh, she is not coming today, but I want to play with her!" you can always come to work today also, but you need a break, right? really, no pressure. Just I wanted to tell you that you are awesome!"
That was a massage from a mom whos son I work with. and since school starts next week, I have been meeting him lately and worked with him a bit, also had socializing seasons with him. his older brother joined us when playtime. This message was work message! a boy, who once was only a plant, decided I will the one who will help him get well, and thats how my love for teaching really has begun. now I have a dream job, job that I dont even call job or work, it is something that defines me and its part of me that I like. No matter how much I have been struggling with my condition, I am the lucky one who found its purpose of life on the Earth, a mission! My mission for sure is teaching. thats what is keeping me alive and making me grow on and on. That message was the biggest award one can get, and I did feel privileged. but it last only 5 minutes. than PUF, gone! emptiness came back and I filled my stomach up with some nutela, cookies and big lunch. after an hour, i received skype call from friend from africa, a guy who has just become a father to the same baby I mentioned earlier. all the african friends joind him just so they could have few words with me, telling me how much they miss me and asking me when will I be back. They already set the accommodation for me. some of them cried from being so happy to see me again and also them offered me their place just to come back. we talked about my boy, how he talks about me all the time and how proud he is to have a mom like me. oh gosh I miss him. I miss my boy the most!! the friend of mine told me again how special I am and how him and his girlfriend (the friend I mentioned int he beginning) love me. and I do believe. i know they do. it really touched me to tears, but again, it last only few minutes, then I shut down again. felt nothing. did some talking and did say out the words that have been spinning on my mind since my last visit in africa, because I think of them on daily bases!!! but there were no emotions. so pitty. I felt so sad after finishing skyping with my friends i couldnt help myself from another huge spoon of nutela and big sandwich.
now I am still here, feeling nothing and fighting with McJagger, who is trying to bring me down no matter what it takes. fucker. he is telling me bad things about my boyfriend, again. telling me those friends from africa arent friends they were just nice to me, but that doesnt mean anything. he is torturing me and he took all the colors away. it is hard to explain how i feel when I dont feel anything, where in the same time there is so much going on. but it is something like super lazy day, not feeling your body at all, not talking at all, even if someone asks you something, you dont feel like answering, no matter how you try, theres no voice coming out. and if anyhow you get to say a words, you are definitely not keen on explaining anything. your pulse is super slow and blood pressure drops dramatically. theres no thought on tomorrow, nothing behind that wall. you build walls around you, tick ones, so they keep you cold no matter how hot outside is. I have been surviving the day with big winter hoody. you dont feel your joints and there is no smell. words dont make any selse, you cannot tell what day it is and there is no colors. the only thought every now and then is "you are aweful. they will screw you up. you are useless. you are ugly. you stink. people dont give you anything realy because you are not worth it." sometimes I shut the thoughts down and sometimes I just feed them with few spoons of nutela and a sandwich. i need to take my dog for a walk but i dont feel like, i dont wanna go out because I feel weak and because I am too ugly to go out, people will gossip me!
It feels like I am alone against the whole world. It feels lonely!
Made it to my parents place yesterday eve. As soon as I walked in, I lost big piece of myself. It feels empty, it feels frightening, like all the bad thoughts were woken up. I dont actually know any more why I am still doing it. I clearly see I am not doing fine over here, but its a habit or something that keeps me coming back. parents are away thou, but here, I feel so lonely. I feel like the whole world is cold, empty and ugly. I feel like I have no-one on my side. its awful. Things dont have any value and I am totally 100% shut down. Theres no feelings, theres no smile, no teas and no real emotions. I dont recognize myself and this emptiness is killing me inside. I barely talk. have no impulse of life. dead. shut down. empty.
Went early to bed last night, had awful night, sleep was short and full of nightmares. Kept waking up every hour. literally every hour, fearful and doubtful. had crazy thoughts of finding bad news on facebook and on email, so went online, in the middle of the night, found nothing bad online and tried to fall asleep again. got up at 7am, tried badly to sleep some more but couldnt so woke up and ever since, I am just a plant in a corner.
no life.
my beloved friend got baby the other day, the best news ever. i felt how the world has changed and how everything is getting better. really felt the power of baby angel's birth. felt so fulfilled and blessed, how lucky I am to be part of that beautiful life. my life is ful of some wonderful people and I knew it! I knew I am that special one, who god prized with such angels. I did feel alot. every day I feel more. from monday trough friday, then I shut down.
today, while lazy chill down, doing nothing, feeling nothing also thinking nothing, I got the message saying: "Hi, I just want to let you know that our boys are missing you a lot. J said: "oh, she is not coming today, but I want to play with her!" you can always come to work today also, but you need a break, right? really, no pressure. Just I wanted to tell you that you are awesome!"
That was a massage from a mom whos son I work with. and since school starts next week, I have been meeting him lately and worked with him a bit, also had socializing seasons with him. his older brother joined us when playtime. This message was work message! a boy, who once was only a plant, decided I will the one who will help him get well, and thats how my love for teaching really has begun. now I have a dream job, job that I dont even call job or work, it is something that defines me and its part of me that I like. No matter how much I have been struggling with my condition, I am the lucky one who found its purpose of life on the Earth, a mission! My mission for sure is teaching. thats what is keeping me alive and making me grow on and on. That message was the biggest award one can get, and I did feel privileged. but it last only 5 minutes. than PUF, gone! emptiness came back and I filled my stomach up with some nutela, cookies and big lunch. after an hour, i received skype call from friend from africa, a guy who has just become a father to the same baby I mentioned earlier. all the african friends joind him just so they could have few words with me, telling me how much they miss me and asking me when will I be back. They already set the accommodation for me. some of them cried from being so happy to see me again and also them offered me their place just to come back. we talked about my boy, how he talks about me all the time and how proud he is to have a mom like me. oh gosh I miss him. I miss my boy the most!! the friend of mine told me again how special I am and how him and his girlfriend (the friend I mentioned int he beginning) love me. and I do believe. i know they do. it really touched me to tears, but again, it last only few minutes, then I shut down again. felt nothing. did some talking and did say out the words that have been spinning on my mind since my last visit in africa, because I think of them on daily bases!!! but there were no emotions. so pitty. I felt so sad after finishing skyping with my friends i couldnt help myself from another huge spoon of nutela and big sandwich.
now I am still here, feeling nothing and fighting with McJagger, who is trying to bring me down no matter what it takes. fucker. he is telling me bad things about my boyfriend, again. telling me those friends from africa arent friends they were just nice to me, but that doesnt mean anything. he is torturing me and he took all the colors away. it is hard to explain how i feel when I dont feel anything, where in the same time there is so much going on. but it is something like super lazy day, not feeling your body at all, not talking at all, even if someone asks you something, you dont feel like answering, no matter how you try, theres no voice coming out. and if anyhow you get to say a words, you are definitely not keen on explaining anything. your pulse is super slow and blood pressure drops dramatically. theres no thought on tomorrow, nothing behind that wall. you build walls around you, tick ones, so they keep you cold no matter how hot outside is. I have been surviving the day with big winter hoody. you dont feel your joints and there is no smell. words dont make any selse, you cannot tell what day it is and there is no colors. the only thought every now and then is "you are aweful. they will screw you up. you are useless. you are ugly. you stink. people dont give you anything realy because you are not worth it." sometimes I shut the thoughts down and sometimes I just feed them with few spoons of nutela and a sandwich. i need to take my dog for a walk but i dont feel like, i dont wanna go out because I feel weak and because I am too ugly to go out, people will gossip me!
It feels like I am alone against the whole world. It feels lonely!
No comments:
Post a Comment