Has been long time since i wrote the last, i tried to stay away from blogging and focus more on my emotions. blogging is good way of taking my thoughts out, but actually dealing with whats happening to me is another story. my doc told me to stop writing as writing is just running away from actual problem, at the moment for me. she might be right as my life got a bit more messy since not writing.....and by messy i eman theres so much happening with me. theres so much to be done on myself. i never thought thats the way its gonna be. its always something to deal with and to go deeper and deeper....never ending story. i am still dealing with my family, trying to stay away from them as much as possible as they are ruining my progress way too easily. my moms calling me everyday, sometimes twice, so i have no space to develop on y own. she is very possesive and doesnt give meany room for my recovering without my parents. i told her i will be calling her when needed, and she was fine for three days tthen got obssesed with me again. fisrt day she promised me world, anything just for me to recover, next day she didnt know what she promised any more. but for me is difficult because she is very shitty with me not calling her all the time and not answering the phone when she calls. she doesnt give me a break. she gives me hard times and she starts sighing when am not all bubbly to hear from her. she gives me a feeling of guilt. all the fucking time. she is so possesive. on the other hand my father havent been talking to me for over three months. he has his own reasons fuck it, when we talk we fight anyway but i miss my father. my mom is putting lots of pressure on me it is my fault we dont talk and i should call him. but i havent since xmas. for xmas my dad and i had fight and i think that was it for me......my brother is shit. doesnt really care about me at the moment. doesnt call me, doesnt understand me....we are far far away from eachother, the furteherst so far in a history of our lives. they all blame my difficult peronality.....they have their own reality and i hve mine. i just hear from my mom every now and then that my fater is calling me all the time and i am the onw not answering the phn..............WTF!!!!! thats lie. and so does my brother, but then he adds...."u knw hr, she is shitty all the time!" bugger, thats not true.
anyways, my work is great, dream job and i am loving my kids badly. am good at what i do and i get enormouus respect from my boss, teachers and parents, not to mention my kids....but unfortunately i feel no respect. it doesnt come to my heart. my relatinship is great, my boyfriend is amazing supprt and real angel. he is there for me and keep me going, at the moment we are staying together for six months, all good. but am having hard times regarless to the love he has for me.
hope u all well, my fingers are crossed for u who suffer from any kind of eating dissorders. it sux, i know. chin up and dont let any mother fuckers bring u down!
peace. x
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