2 years of recovering...

Last month I completed my second year of rehab.
How do I live after two years of rehab?
well, I most of the time, confused.

I don't binge any more and I don't vomit any more. hooray!!!
I eat 5 times a day, I am 3 sizes smaller than before rehab and I still cry I am fat and ugly.
I have no peace.

I got engaged and currently live in Ljubljana with my finace, and I am full time teacher.
I attend therapy once a week and I see my family once every month.
I don't talk to my mom every day and I hate society.
I still take antidepressant pills and I use facebook to compare myself to some random skinny bitches around the word that I don't even know who they are.

I try practice yoga on regular bases, but I do it more theoretically than practically, which suck!
I do however stay on yogamat around 30 to 45 minutes now, once to twice a week and I am developing muscles and my body looks better than ever before, but my bulimia still calls me "bitch, go do that practice, you fat ass, move that ass and lose some fat!" on days like this   I don't do yoga and you can only imagine how I freak bulimia out. it gets so hard I have proper melt down because of the guilt bulimia causes.
on the other hand I have days when I feel like crying when I only think how just several months ago I tore a yoga mat into pieces and threw one into the window each and everytime I would try and do my sun solution. my ego got mental. I couldn't stay on a yogamat for more than a minute (yes, 60 seconds) ... but the desire of being perfect made me try over and over again...though I would never ever admit this is the reason.

I learned how to bring my lost self down to earth and I learned how to feel my body from the numbness.
I learned consequences if I am not honest with myself.
I don't lie (only when I have to find an excuse why I can not make it out for a coffee or come online to call a friend) ..
I talk more and I laugh more.
I eat healthier and I lost about 15 or 20 kilos.
I cannot stand who I am, but I have ambitions and dreams. I have faith and I am a good teacher. People love me but I don't like spending time with them.

I am jealous all the time and I envy things like new home, new baby, getting married, vacation, weight loss, happiness ... I don't want people to have any of it.
But I am showing signs of freedom, signs of love, empathy and sympathy.

Hate isn't as deep as it used to be. but love still isn't deep enough.
I have days when I don't recognize faces, I don't recognize my partner lying next to me, but I love him more than ever. I fight for him, I persist for him.

I study and I learn, but I feel stupid.

I sing out loud more and I have unique style. I show signs of freedom, but I still cant sleep at night.

I am calmer. Much calmer. I am honest. as honest as ever!
I am earning patience, but I speak my mind. I stand up for myself, then hate myself for standing up for myself.

I am more organized and I am much cleaner. I keep our home clean and I cook well. I pray!
I pray a lot and I count blessings.

I am trying. I am challenging myself. I go out for the sake of my love.
I do things on time. I pay bills. I am saving money.
I shave my legs every time when needed and I talk to strangers.
I plan my future, I dream of being a mom. but I don't want to be a mom because I might fail.
I cannot wait to be a wife, but I don't feel good enough for him!!! its killing me inside!!
 I cannot wait to move into new home.

I wear bikini and I go to the beach. I swim and I walk around with short skirts and without makeup. that is the second biggest success. the firstone is not vomiting.
so I am showing signs of self-esteem.

I am constantly tired.

i take care of my body (health).
I care for my kidney and liver. i don't drink alcohol and I don't eat junk food more than sometimes.
I drink coffee just in mornings and I drink lemonade first thing in the morning.
I eat veges and go out to get some fresh air.

I worry too much.

my haemorrhoids and my kidney start aching instantly when i am stressed.
and I have sever headaches after eating chocolate.

I clean my skin (face + body) with homemade pilling (sugar + olive oil) once a month.

I care more.

I reconnected with some people, but still disliking many of them.

I am doing so much but i am (feeling) lazy in a same time. I find it SOOOO hard to do stuff. like anything..... anything!! (but my work)
i don't feel like doing ANY!!!THING!!!

I dislike all people that do pilates or any other wanna be skinny and beautiful activities. I cant go to yoga studio, because i have panic attacks each and every time i am about to go, because the head is telling me i will be the only fat ass inthere and all the rest will eb skinny and flexible.
it is sabotaging me badly.
but i don't envy my best friend, who happened to be a professional dancer.. hooray for me!!

I still have reaction to certain foods, such as rice, pasta, nutela, pudding, raffaelo ...
I instantly feel like i binged even tho i didn't.
if i see a puke i get crazy and start crying fearing i did it. i instantly loose a connection with reality.

I have blurry image of reality and i have wrong sense for time.

see, telling you, I am so confused. all the time!!

but i am calmer. much calmer.


Go to rehab! it will be hell. it will hurt and it will burn your entire body and your mind.. but just the taste of freedom you is enough to make you fight some more.


Stay beautiful.
we are beautiful.
it is society that is ugly!
(M.M.)