Saturday, November 30, 2013

Friday's confessions

I am feeling like writing because I have been a bit lost lately....and I am hoping on getting some answers while writing....this is probably exactly why my therapist doesn't fancy me writing too much,...because that is refocusing my thoughts ... instead of going into my emotions and see whats really happening there, I am going to distract myself and write some.

I have been feeling lost lately, not sure of who I am and where I belong to.
I have been hating people more than ever in a long time...
I feel so caught in this selfhate. I am obsessed with some pointless stuff...that has nothing to do with my life. the worst bit is I spend so much time on facebook, stocking people and feeling jealous.
I am looking at those yoga teachers with perfect bodies, they do inspire tho, and then I end up doing yoga because I wanna be that perfect.
it is soooo hard, I feel sooo caught.
I am also checking random people out and comparing myself to them, and feeling bad about myself.


Ok, facebook isn't my biggest problem, my head is my biggest problem...I don't give myself any credits. still caught in the selfhate. I think every body is cute with an awesome style and I am lame and ugly. I wish I was someone else. I don't like my face.
today I put myself into a dress size 34 .... thirty fucking four.... and after that I cried how disgustingly fat I am ....

this bulimia is making me miserable.
when I get to eat 5 times a day and food is quality, all is good, I usually don't whine, but as soon as my food gets crappier and I skip meal from some reason, I start freaking out! the other day I had glass of beer and I couldn't stop feeling guilty. woke up in the morning like I killed someone in the night before.

bulimia got a bit more obvious these days because I ve worked hard at work these days and had no time to work on myself so now all is coming out.. my day  has to be very structured, if it isn't then I am all lost (which is most of the time).

while writing this, I checked facebook for about 15 times and checked three unknown women' profile..and I keep sighing...."oh how lucky they are. they are so beautiful and so skinny! if only I was like this....if only I had an interesting face...I am no-one!'

and one of the women I stocked on fb had some African photos on her profile and so I am hating her. I don want her to be involved with Africa, Africa is not for everyone.
anotherone got married and got a baby and she is the skinniest I have seen which makes me the laziest.....and the lamest.instead of doing yoga I munched some dinner and snuggled to bed. lame! wtf?
I dint remember what was with the third one
...

I cant let go of past. simpy cant.
its hunting me.
people from the past are hunting me.
I think they are all better than me. but it should be that way.

I think I am no cool! :(
I am so 16. gosh!

I am nobody!

If I was somebody, I would do yoga tonight, and I didn't.

what!?
I don't know??

I am not feeling alright.

I don't know who I am.

I am not even hating myself right now, I am not feeling anything!

this doesn't even make any sense.
I don't know how I am feeling.

I better go find out.



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