Just for one day, I want to be free. Free from selfhate!

I don't really understand my situation.
I am filled with some unknown emotion.
I am stuck at my parents place.
I am so broken. The worst part is that this place sucked all the energy out of me and I cant go back home. it seems so impossible. it seems like its nt a good idea.
my entire body is filled with this stupid emotion that is keeping me up here.
I planed on going back home yesterday, then rescheduled it on today, now we are suppose to g bck home tomorrow.

I wrapped myself into my own bubble, I don't hear and I don't see.
but so much is coming through anyway.

I hate all that commenting. My mom comment each and every move she makes.
she is asking some ridiculous questions such as: "don't you think your fiancée is going to be cold outside?" what the fuck is that about???
my fiancée is 29 and I have all my faith in him that he is responsible for his own warmth and comfort.

more comments like: "so, now I am going to cook." .............. "now I will leave this to cook." ........... "can you clean up the house after your breakfast?" "are you studying?" [while I study]   "are you hungry?"
and on and on and on.......yes, she is a mother. most mothers do that. but shut the fuck up and do stuff with less talking. I don't really care!!!!!!!!!!!!

so insecure.
she does this because she needed to explain herself always, to my dad.
I am the same sometimes, letting my fiancée know what am I doing ---- while doing it!
it annoys me when I do it also.
but when she does it she just reminds me how toxic relationship she has with my dad and she does the same to me.

today my dad left to seaside,  so I thought it will be a bit more relaxed in the house. but it isn't.
my dad is usually the one causing all the stress and making us mental.
with him in the house I don't relax. I just stay alert for him if he needs me or if he wants me to do something. I start cleaning up as soon as I see him.
its so sick.
but he left and he took my naughty grandma back to her home...but my brothers girlfriend is very toxic as well especially when shes not in a good mood. she can be very bitchy and I always buy it. always. because her attitude is a combination of my mother and my father's attitude. I cant just ignore her. she makes me very nervous, I could slap her in her face sometimes when she behaves like shes diva. but I have no chance, because all family turns against me when I say something against her.
waaaah her voice!!! god help her.

my body is so shut down but yet so sensitive. one louder noise makes me jump up and it frightens me. every little noise of the door or a voice of a person makes me maaaaaaaaad!!!!!

hearing my name nine thousand times a day just drives me mad!


I have zero tolerance to my family.
but I am discovering something else....
if theres anyone....any one... says anthing bad about my family, I get protective.
even my brother is not allowed to say anything against my mom and dad.
I deeply love them.
I cry because I miss them. I suffer because I want to have good relationship with them.


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I wrote this, then I suddenly felt guilty for thinking and feeling this way.
I had shower and it didn't help.
I want to be soft, nice, warm and pleasant with my self.... but instead, I am hurting myself with all this selfhate!
my soul is aching. my soul needs some love.

am I really this ugly and this lame? worthless and fat?

people say I am not.
people say I am good, interesting, unique. good looking. fair. honest. bubbly with a good style.
special. nice. la la la ... bla bla bla.....
my mind is set differently.

just for one day, I want to be free.

free from selfhate!

it is eating me alive.

it is making my life be blurry.

theres no point and no feelings, no emotions. just disgust. I don't like myself.

I have kid in Africa, he is calling me "mama". can you imagine, I am someone's mother. Someone believes in me. I am someone's hero.
I speak to him everyday this winter break. He askes me to call him everyday. I love it. I enjoy it! I love my kid more thank anything!!!! but then, my mind makes me think I am pushy. maybe I manipulated with him and if he knew how lame I am, he wouldn't love me.
but that's not true.
Theres my friend staying with the boys in Uganda, and I think she thinks I am lame and weird.

that's not true.
but that's how I live my everydays.

at school where I work I raised 1100 eur for the boys in Africa .. but I think they will not love me for that. it aint good.

it makes me stop and think: why do I do it? to get good feeling from the boys and feel loved or because I love them?

I know I started in a first place because I love them....but it ended up seeking some attention.
I am tired of it.
I need good sleep and reconnect with myself, then I will know. but here at my parents place I am afraid I turn into the worst version of me.

I don't like me (like this).

dear universe. give me strength to go back home tomorrow and find my path, my reason and my purpose.

Thank you, God, for my boy and my finacee.
I love them the most, they are my reasons to be better person.

who am I?

I hate hating myself!

I might not even be that bad.

maybe I am the way my son sees me and the way my partner sees me... the way my best friends see me...?

maybe.