Facing fears

Fear is probably bulimia's middle name.

I fear everything!

I am afraid I am fat. I am afraid I am ugly, lame, worthless, useless, careless, bad, evil, dead.

I fear nobody likes me.

I live every single minute believing no-one likes me because I am not cool, I am not special, I am not alternative enough, because I am annoying.

To be really honest now with myself, I am very alternative. people say I am special and different. well, I am still annoying. but I am annoying because I care.

no! not true. I mean I do care. but I am annoying with messages and emails because I am insecure and I have zero self-esteem.

I fear everyone is better and cooler than me. I am just a lame, boring individual, not really worth anyone's time.

People can say nice things to me, I can see how awesome people I have for my friends, but I always hook myself to the one that is not sure about me or even worst, really doesn't like me.
its all based on bad vibes I am getting from that person. the vibes are real. I trust them.
but instead of not caring and moving on, I sabotage myself.
I sti down in a corner and over-think. I potentiate the problem in my head about 100 times and torture myself. Once in that self-hate mode, nothing, NOTHING comes through me!
My fiancée can love me more than ever, my friends can tell me the nicest things, my kid in Africa can call me mama hundred times, my kids at school can call me the best teacher ever ... but nothing comes through.
It is just me and selfhate.

it first makes me be numb.
I feel nothing.
My mind shuts down, it gets quiet. my mind is empty. I don't have any thoughts in my head. none. my body slowly fades away, along with my mind. I don't feel my body. my entire body is gone. my head drops to the right and I get an empty look. I am gone.






I am gone for quite some time.
then I first feel some pressure in my stomach. it starts small. but soon it gets bigger and stronger. it travels up to my chests. my heart gets crazy and my hands starts sweating.

then I know it is coming soon....a panic attack!
I hate those.

I sit down and I try awake my body. I try to move my feet, but I cant. nor my arms or head. I am blocked. but the heart is pounding and I am felling more and more sick.

at one point, I burst into tears and I break down. I scream and cry. The pain is endless. I properly scream and sweat. it seems like it will never end.
all the fears come out!

they are so real and so painful.
I am so afraid of my own self. of what is coming out.
the worst fears are there and I need to face them. I don't want to face them. but there they are. taking control over everything.

it is my reality for that moment. it hurts.

I am so lonely. it seems so endless.
my head got crazy again. billion thoughts popping out at the same time. it is awful. it is so sick.

my biggest fear is I am not worth anything. that people don't like me. that people hate me bacsue I texted them twice, which makes me annoying. my biggest fear is people are just afraid to tell me in my face they don't want me in their lives. they would if they could.
I fear i am no-body!

it hurts. it hurts until the end.
its controlling me, I am not allowed to turn my head or look up! it is punishing me. it is torturing me. i am not allowed to talk. i have to be quiet and whisper.
i am its victim. bulimia's victim. its hostage.
it doesn't let me go until the end. until i almost give up and i die.

then it lets me go. it releases all the force. all in once. oh my, that hits my body again, its painful. i feel my body and i try to catch some air. it hurts even more. sitting up straight is painful too. moving my legs slowly, because it hurts too much.
i move my head left and right and now i recognize the place. i know where i am. i understand the time. i know what happened.

i survived.
but i am in such pain i just want to lay down and sleep.

I am beaten. I bruise. I feel the weight of my entire body. it is so so so heavy. not 'fat' heavy, but really heavy. its like am stoned or drunk.


Last week I dreamed three times the same dream.
It was about a lady I work with. Her and I have funny relationship. we look like we are getting along very well and like we are real friends, but it turned out we are not.
it is hard for me to accept it so i let her twist me around any time. not that she does anything on purpose, it is just that she would do things that hurt me and i buy it. it ruins my mood, my day and my nights.
She would never say anything, but it is obvious that we aren't as good friends as I thought. and those hurt me the most... when i think i have a special friendship with a person, and it turns out i am mistaken. i hade few this kind, and it is hard to get over them.
So, in my dreams she always yelled at me and called me names. she was yelling at me I am no-body and not worth her friendship. it was happening every night for three nights, then the forth one i
texted her to check on her. it was pretty friendly message, but i did mention i had dreams about her and the dreams were not pleasant. then after two days she txted me back saying she doesn't get me. we are not that good friends and we don't know each other that well to have dreams like that! what the fuck, of course you know what i am talking about. you know those are my fears. for Christ sake. don't play dumb.

so people like this mess me up completely!
then i don't know what to do and i don't know how to feel and what to be. so i freak out and my bulimia takes advantage of if and drives me nuts.

and instead of saying "screw that" and protect myself for the next time, i have high chances to be all sweet and soft next time she will speak to me...and let her have the access to my at any time.

and all because i think she is cooler that me. what makes her the coolest is that she is loosing weight all the time, shes very skinny now. and she has a baby. so in my world she is stronger than me. so i take the small position and make her big.
but the truth is, she isn't that big. it is all in my head.
she cant be bigger than me if she has no empathy.
her own brother is alcoholic and she doenst understand him, how she will understand me. but she is a social worker, but very narrow minded.

i am tired of over thinking of all this crap.

but it hurts me, it doesn't hurt anyone else.