The Therapy

Every Tuesday at 6 o'clock I have my therapy.

Lately, I have struggled to attend the therapy. I didn't want to go.
My head was full of excuses.

it is because the therapy have become so hard for me.

it is painful.

All those heavy emotions coming out, fears, jealousy, anger, sadness, hate.
Those are my emotions. Always there, always painful.

I am working with my numbness at the moment.
Fuck that shit. it is scary.

I come there normal, I know where I am and why I am there. I recognize my doctor and I recognize the place.
I start talking.
I hear my voice, and as soon as I hear it, the voice in my head screams: "shuuuuuuuuuuuut up!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shut down instantly.
my body collapses and my face drops.
The sound disappears and so does the smell.
All the sensations are gone.
My body is gone.
I feel nothing.
I am stoned.
I don't care.
Anything could happen.
My fiancée could break up with me or die, I wouldn't care. my therapist could be shot in the head and I wouldn't care.
I don't care. I don't know who I am. my head is absolutely empty. the only sound I hear in my head is the sound of the voice telling me :"its good. fall asleep. its good. fall asleep. cmon. just close your eyes, and go."
I don't want to die. It doesn't tell me to die.
it just tells me to fall asleep.
it pushes me down more and moore, until I get completely small.
I sit hunched in the chair, with empty look, head leaning to the right, and with my hands lifeless in my lap.

Out of the numbness I start laughing out loud. like I am happy. genuinely happy. the laughter lasts few seconds, then I am back to the hunched position, small and numb.

then my therapists asks me :"where are you?"
and  then what happens it I slowly look up and look at her and with a tiny smile on my face I whisper:"i don't know. but its good."
very spooky, and very sick.
OR her voice comes through me and I freak out and I want to respond to her. but I am still nt allowed to move and talk. I whisper, trying to tell her how I am. but the voice in my had is yelling at me: "you bitch, you don't look up!! you are nobody! do you hear me???you are nobody! you have no right to look up!! you are ugly! you are nobody!"
I cry. but I don't look up.
then the therapist leads me through the break down. she asks me where do I feel it?
I tell her the location of the pain. usually it is in my stomach and in a back of my neck.
Once I get the location of my pain and attention to my body, it follows the biggest break down possible.
everything comes out. it is poring emotions. selfhate has been the major one lately.
it is terribly painful. the voices in my head get crazy, calling me names, ordering me to die, telling me I am lame and fucked up, screwed and useless, fat and ugly.

I feel sick and I could vomit. vomit from the pain in my stomach. the pain spreads every-fucking-where. I get million cramps all over my body, headache hits me hard and the muscles are contracting. I cry like theres no tomorrow, my neck is in pain from crying, I scratch my face and pinch my thighs and then the pain  is just  unbearable.

I stop.

I cant any more.
it is too much.

it takes me about 10-15 minutes to come back to reality. I start moving and looking around very slowly. I do recognize the place though, and my therapists face. My head fills up with everyday thoughts, so I know I am alive and in the present.
I slowly relax. but more I am relaxing, the more of an after shock hits me.

I start with my feet. I make sure I feel them. I move my toes. I feel  them. I move up to my calves. once I feel those, I connect them with my feet and move on to my knees. I do the same, I keep doing the same all the way up to the head. then I feel my body in that chair. I am there. I stretch my arms amd my neck.
I walk a bit around the room to feel the movement of my body as well.

then I sti back into chair and have a chat with my therapists. we talk about my condition.
she told me I am doing great, I am progressing well, and that I and my body will be free from all the old emotions one day. it is still a long way until that day, but it sounds promising.

she is a bit worried about my numbness, she says.
so I have to put more effort into monitoring my current states and moods, happening to me. and working on my emotions and going into my body more often and more regular.

sitting there in the chair, in pain, but present.
that doesn't happen often, just after going into my body and letting the emotions out through the body. then I feel this kind of the relief. I feel closer to my self.
I am alright.

I slowly put my coat on and say thank you.
I walk out, I barely stand on my feet, I move very slow and movements are still heavy. but I am present. that is the best gift I can give myself.

I slowly walk home. feeling free and feeling closer to myself, further from selfhate.
it is a promising feeling.

I smile.

I put the music very loud and dance a bit with my broken body.
then I lay down, and sleep.
night is good. I don't have night mares.

and Wednesdays are my favourite days of the week.


ps: Rehab sucks! but it is so promising! do it!