Aint I good?
Breakfast at 7, snacks at 10, lunch at 1, snacks at 5, dinner at 7.
Victory?!
Some people congrat me, some people ask me how I do it?
well the truth is I struggle with food more then ever before. Before, the plan was clear: binge!! starve!! thats it. now I need to make my self believe I will be fine if I dont binge and so will I be fine if i dont starve mybody.
I never believe but for some reason, things did change and I believe a change in my pretty much vegetarian diet was the biggest break trough on my recovery way.
During my stay in NZ, I started eating meat. And so I could make myself a lunch that didnt make me vomit.
Next time I made pasta for lunch I ended up binging and purging, because pasta in my world doesnt mean easy dish, it means boil 500 g of it and binge it! the same I noticed with potato and rice. Rise have never been a food for me, I hate rice, and because I cant stand it, i used it for puking. Especially milky rice was a jackpot. Just as Rafaello and Rum coconuts, and Cokolino and Croissants..... if you give me 6 croissants I will finish all 6, if you give me a box of cokolino, I finish box of cokolino. I better not see any cake around as cake means: finish it, no matter the amount. same with Nutella. If you give me a big jar of nutella, I finish it.
still so.
And I learned a trick quickly. Simply I need to withdraw all the food that means binging and purging in my world! ALL of IT!!!!!!
Asked my family to help me, well then only heard me up with pasta and rise, now they dont make me eat it and they are fine with me having a piece of bread instead or just nothing. they still buy lots of sweets and there is always nutella at home.
But since I moved in alone, I simply dont keep any food at home.
I only have bread for breakfasts, butter/jam, couple of tuna cans and some milk for morning coffee and the other day I bought some cereals. Thats it. no fruits, no pasta no rice no potato no sweets, when I need food for lunch, I go to the store and buy it, but usually that would be chicken meat, chicken soup, tuna, some vegies. I dont remember eating anything else at home lately. Sometimes I buy some salami or bring some other meat per-prepared from visiting my parents.
Every time I go to their place, and there is all kind of food all the time, I am in hell. It still feels like a free heroin, and I still grab nutella after lunch, still grab sweets and eat them in the bathroom so noone sees me, still steal cold food that is left from family lunch as my eyes didnt get full from stake only...... I fail every single time that the dangerous food is around.
I bless myself I am able to stay away from all the food when I am at home (my apartment).
But today, i crossed the limit.
In my apartment area there is a pharmacy, bakery and 3 stores.
I have some rules.
pharmacy: no entrance!!!!!!
Bakery: bread only!!!!!
store: ingredients I need for meal.
so in any moment I exactly know what I need from each building, nothing else.
but today, after work, I stopped at the bakery to buy some bread I ran out of it, and I thought to my self I should buy a croissant for dinner. ok. not big deal. then i thought I should buy one for tomorrows snacks at work. I believed myself that will work but I was wrong.
I finished both of them. and I knw If I'd had one more, i'd finish that one two.
that is so pity.
I counted calories I had today and I didnt cross 1200 and most of the food was healthy.
but that was a red alarm for me.
why I broke a rule: nothing but bread from bakery?????
I have been eating lots, actually more, these days. I do have period, but not that much food is needed although I have those days.
I try to think the way: i apparently need more food these days, its ok, I ll go back to normal (whatever that is) soon!! when ready.
but its not that easy.
I am feeling the fattest and the ugliest because of that extra food I have eaten.
I can not stand myself int he mirror and I feel like a mother of four that has no time to take care of herself.
My legs are gigantic and my face is so ugly.
that is dangerous. I feel like I gained weight, tho when I put on some jeans I have, nothing shows I have gained any weight. Its just my sick mind.
the image in the mirror is so fat.
So I better re-make a list of the food I am NOT ALLOWED to keep at home and eat it any way or SEE it..
ALL (!!!) this food means only two things: FINISH ME - THROW ME UP!!!
I have no limits.
Nutella = empty the jar
all kinds of pasta = final pukeeeee!!!
rice = opening pukeeee!!!!
milky rice = Pukee now!
diary = open the stomach and feel sick.
potato = mean wile snack that blows you and make you binge.
nuts = puke!!
friut = blow the body and feel sick
plane chocolate = finish it!!!
pralines = finish them as fast as u can and start binging.
Cokolino = finish it, half now half in 5 minutes, feel sick!
croissants = never buy less than 6, finish them all and feel guilty.
any sweets = finish them, start binging.
tablerone = kick start
rum kokos = kick start vol.2
cake = finish all!!!! binge.
salami = vomit
cheese = make as many sandwiches as you need to finish the cheese
cramy soups = vomiting while starving
milky souces = puke
rafaello = finish, binge, puke
...................some food makes me vomit some food makes me eat more and some just make me sick. the list goes on and I am not safe with any food around.
No bulemic is.
Breakfast at 7, snacks at 10, lunch at 1, snacks at 5, dinner at 7.
Victory?!
Some people congrat me, some people ask me how I do it?
well the truth is I struggle with food more then ever before. Before, the plan was clear: binge!! starve!! thats it. now I need to make my self believe I will be fine if I dont binge and so will I be fine if i dont starve mybody.
I never believe but for some reason, things did change and I believe a change in my pretty much vegetarian diet was the biggest break trough on my recovery way.
During my stay in NZ, I started eating meat. And so I could make myself a lunch that didnt make me vomit.
Next time I made pasta for lunch I ended up binging and purging, because pasta in my world doesnt mean easy dish, it means boil 500 g of it and binge it! the same I noticed with potato and rice. Rise have never been a food for me, I hate rice, and because I cant stand it, i used it for puking. Especially milky rice was a jackpot. Just as Rafaello and Rum coconuts, and Cokolino and Croissants..... if you give me 6 croissants I will finish all 6, if you give me a box of cokolino, I finish box of cokolino. I better not see any cake around as cake means: finish it, no matter the amount. same with Nutella. If you give me a big jar of nutella, I finish it.
still so.
And I learned a trick quickly. Simply I need to withdraw all the food that means binging and purging in my world! ALL of IT!!!!!!
Asked my family to help me, well then only heard me up with pasta and rise, now they dont make me eat it and they are fine with me having a piece of bread instead or just nothing. they still buy lots of sweets and there is always nutella at home.
But since I moved in alone, I simply dont keep any food at home.
I only have bread for breakfasts, butter/jam, couple of tuna cans and some milk for morning coffee and the other day I bought some cereals. Thats it. no fruits, no pasta no rice no potato no sweets, when I need food for lunch, I go to the store and buy it, but usually that would be chicken meat, chicken soup, tuna, some vegies. I dont remember eating anything else at home lately. Sometimes I buy some salami or bring some other meat per-prepared from visiting my parents.
Every time I go to their place, and there is all kind of food all the time, I am in hell. It still feels like a free heroin, and I still grab nutella after lunch, still grab sweets and eat them in the bathroom so noone sees me, still steal cold food that is left from family lunch as my eyes didnt get full from stake only...... I fail every single time that the dangerous food is around.
I bless myself I am able to stay away from all the food when I am at home (my apartment).
But today, i crossed the limit.
In my apartment area there is a pharmacy, bakery and 3 stores.
I have some rules.
pharmacy: no entrance!!!!!!
Bakery: bread only!!!!!
store: ingredients I need for meal.
so in any moment I exactly know what I need from each building, nothing else.
but today, after work, I stopped at the bakery to buy some bread I ran out of it, and I thought to my self I should buy a croissant for dinner. ok. not big deal. then i thought I should buy one for tomorrows snacks at work. I believed myself that will work but I was wrong.
I finished both of them. and I knw If I'd had one more, i'd finish that one two.
that is so pity.
I counted calories I had today and I didnt cross 1200 and most of the food was healthy.
but that was a red alarm for me.
why I broke a rule: nothing but bread from bakery?????
I have been eating lots, actually more, these days. I do have period, but not that much food is needed although I have those days.
I try to think the way: i apparently need more food these days, its ok, I ll go back to normal (whatever that is) soon!! when ready.
but its not that easy.
I am feeling the fattest and the ugliest because of that extra food I have eaten.
I can not stand myself int he mirror and I feel like a mother of four that has no time to take care of herself.
My legs are gigantic and my face is so ugly.
that is dangerous. I feel like I gained weight, tho when I put on some jeans I have, nothing shows I have gained any weight. Its just my sick mind.
the image in the mirror is so fat.
So I better re-make a list of the food I am NOT ALLOWED to keep at home and eat it any way or SEE it..
ALL (!!!) this food means only two things: FINISH ME - THROW ME UP!!!
I have no limits.
Nutella = empty the jar
all kinds of pasta = final pukeeeee!!!
rice = opening pukeeee!!!!
milky rice = Pukee now!
diary = open the stomach and feel sick.
potato = mean wile snack that blows you and make you binge.
nuts = puke!!
friut = blow the body and feel sick
plane chocolate = finish it!!!
pralines = finish them as fast as u can and start binging.
Cokolino = finish it, half now half in 5 minutes, feel sick!
croissants = never buy less than 6, finish them all and feel guilty.
any sweets = finish them, start binging.
tablerone = kick start
rum kokos = kick start vol.2
cake = finish all!!!! binge.
salami = vomit
cheese = make as many sandwiches as you need to finish the cheese
cramy soups = vomiting while starving
milky souces = puke
rafaello = finish, binge, puke
...................some food makes me vomit some food makes me eat more and some just make me sick. the list goes on and I am not safe with any food around.
No bulemic is.
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