Last couple of days have been very calm.
I was in a strange peace. Well, is not that Im complaining but still, odd.
I wasnt super ok or anything, I actually struggled a lot, but somehow did manage it peacefully.
Only weekend was hard again though, I went up to the mountains, visited my family and again, everything was wrong. I was wrong. The way I cut my hair was wrong, the clothes I wore were wrong and my attitude was wrong. Now all of them ate me like wild animals.
Mom snapped it when she saw me wearing the black skirt over my pants, and also i wore black top. That day, we were about to get visits, and she was irritated with my style.
She asked me to get changes as I wont make a good impression on my auntie and uncle. I was just what the fuck?!?! I dont give a fuck what they will think about me, if they find me lame because of my style....well, who cares. If they wont respect me the way I am, they wont respect me even if I wear nicer clothes. anyways I had a big fight with my mother. She cried "oh cmon, we have been trying for so long to make you change yourself but you just dont break trough!" whaaaaaaaaat!!!!
I told her I by now, they should know I dont dress up the way I do to screw them over but because I like it that way, and I tried lots to "be normal" with them around and it only made me lose my self even more. And as I am on a rehab, I am working hard on accepting my own self the way I am and I dont wanna hide any more behind a woman I am not. I want to wake up in the morning and just be fine with myself. period. I am not changing anything!!!!" I was so upset.
As a fight went on, I realized I better drop it, because I will not reach her.
So I took my skirt off and threw it away. My mom was just like: "oh no you dont need to throw it away!"
Really????? dont bullshit me. if i dont need to throw it away what to do with it then? wear it and fight with you all the time???? NO! its simply not worth it!!!!!
I went talk to my boyfriend when I got mgs from my mom saying :"I am sorry I would never hurt you on purpose, I only dont want you to hide behing clothes, you are beautiful!" yeah whatever, I didnt need much to realize she only said those words because she won the fight otherwise she would probably kill herslef.
always same story.
Fight wasnt about me hiding behind the clothes at all, she clearly told me I should get changed because I dont look good the way I was at that point and people would think bad things.
anyways, I dodnt feel like I lost at all, I just didnt feel like fighting any longer.
The price was high though.... I ate enormous amounts of food. Felt so sick and finally I lost my self completely.
I was so lost with them around, I lost every sense of my self and I didnt make any sense. But finally I could see what exactly is happening with me when I get to visit them. I could finally see trough the game they play!!!!
But once I was back home, There was a feeling withing me saying: "you know who you are and you better continue saving your ass, so no worries. Just forget about it, you are fine!"
And thats the peace that has been freaking me out.
WHAT??? you are telling me I shouldnt worry??? you, the voice in my head????
oh wow!!!
I feel strength I have been gaining since rehab. I see how strong I am becoming. I am doing great.
I am proud of myself for the second time in my life i believe, but no matter how, I am proud and finally I see I am able to go trough big things in my life.
I feel like I control my issue pretty well at the moment.
There are of course new emotions that I dont understand and those freak me out, but my doctor says I should just stay intouch with those feelings and figure out where do they fit....to the present or past.
I live life slowly and actually not much is going on as I am still very much limited to one person a day, one trip a week etc.
but I see my bulimia as a blessing now, how good it will be to come out of this shit stronger and cannot wait for all the things to fall into places.
I am not that afraid of my own self and not that afraid of the future.
I am much closer to myself and I follow my needs bette.
I treat my body pretty well and trying to think a little less like body is a garbage and more like body is a temple. I trust my body and we get pretty well along.
Tho these days I was living more in peace, I am even not sure if that has really been peace, as I am feeling super fat and ugly at the moment, just not paying that much attention.
There is still every single days that starts with a check up in the mirror and I have not been happy with what I've seen. I still put big fight with every meal that comes up and after every meal I quickly count the calories I consumed and in a case my meal was too big for my mind, I always make quick diet plan: No eating.
But so far, with the strength and that peace, I have been dealing with my bulimia successfully!
If I get over bulimia, there is good future waiting for me.
I was in a strange peace. Well, is not that Im complaining but still, odd.
I wasnt super ok or anything, I actually struggled a lot, but somehow did manage it peacefully.
Only weekend was hard again though, I went up to the mountains, visited my family and again, everything was wrong. I was wrong. The way I cut my hair was wrong, the clothes I wore were wrong and my attitude was wrong. Now all of them ate me like wild animals.
Mom snapped it when she saw me wearing the black skirt over my pants, and also i wore black top. That day, we were about to get visits, and she was irritated with my style.
She asked me to get changes as I wont make a good impression on my auntie and uncle. I was just what the fuck?!?! I dont give a fuck what they will think about me, if they find me lame because of my style....well, who cares. If they wont respect me the way I am, they wont respect me even if I wear nicer clothes. anyways I had a big fight with my mother. She cried "oh cmon, we have been trying for so long to make you change yourself but you just dont break trough!" whaaaaaaaaat!!!!
I told her I by now, they should know I dont dress up the way I do to screw them over but because I like it that way, and I tried lots to "be normal" with them around and it only made me lose my self even more. And as I am on a rehab, I am working hard on accepting my own self the way I am and I dont wanna hide any more behind a woman I am not. I want to wake up in the morning and just be fine with myself. period. I am not changing anything!!!!" I was so upset.
As a fight went on, I realized I better drop it, because I will not reach her.
So I took my skirt off and threw it away. My mom was just like: "oh no you dont need to throw it away!"
Really????? dont bullshit me. if i dont need to throw it away what to do with it then? wear it and fight with you all the time???? NO! its simply not worth it!!!!!
I went talk to my boyfriend when I got mgs from my mom saying :"I am sorry I would never hurt you on purpose, I only dont want you to hide behing clothes, you are beautiful!" yeah whatever, I didnt need much to realize she only said those words because she won the fight otherwise she would probably kill herslef.
always same story.
Fight wasnt about me hiding behind the clothes at all, she clearly told me I should get changed because I dont look good the way I was at that point and people would think bad things.
anyways, I dodnt feel like I lost at all, I just didnt feel like fighting any longer.
The price was high though.... I ate enormous amounts of food. Felt so sick and finally I lost my self completely.
I was so lost with them around, I lost every sense of my self and I didnt make any sense. But finally I could see what exactly is happening with me when I get to visit them. I could finally see trough the game they play!!!!
But once I was back home, There was a feeling withing me saying: "you know who you are and you better continue saving your ass, so no worries. Just forget about it, you are fine!"
And thats the peace that has been freaking me out.
WHAT??? you are telling me I shouldnt worry??? you, the voice in my head????
oh wow!!!
I feel strength I have been gaining since rehab. I see how strong I am becoming. I am doing great.
I am proud of myself for the second time in my life i believe, but no matter how, I am proud and finally I see I am able to go trough big things in my life.
I feel like I control my issue pretty well at the moment.
There are of course new emotions that I dont understand and those freak me out, but my doctor says I should just stay intouch with those feelings and figure out where do they fit....to the present or past.
I live life slowly and actually not much is going on as I am still very much limited to one person a day, one trip a week etc.
but I see my bulimia as a blessing now, how good it will be to come out of this shit stronger and cannot wait for all the things to fall into places.
I am not that afraid of my own self and not that afraid of the future.
I am much closer to myself and I follow my needs bette.
I treat my body pretty well and trying to think a little less like body is a garbage and more like body is a temple. I trust my body and we get pretty well along.
Tho these days I was living more in peace, I am even not sure if that has really been peace, as I am feeling super fat and ugly at the moment, just not paying that much attention.
There is still every single days that starts with a check up in the mirror and I have not been happy with what I've seen. I still put big fight with every meal that comes up and after every meal I quickly count the calories I consumed and in a case my meal was too big for my mind, I always make quick diet plan: No eating.
But so far, with the strength and that peace, I have been dealing with my bulimia successfully!
If I get over bulimia, there is good future waiting for me.
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