Life was cold again.
Nights were long and image in the mirror was ugly, worn out. Tired.
Mind was going mental. Body and Ego fought all the freaking time.
My face was swollen and poor kidney was aching, vision was narrow and appetite was huge.
Tears were running like a river, I could drawn the world. Thoughts were hopeless and sense hit the bottom again.
I reached the I-give-up pint again.
So far, I-give-up moments have always woken me up.
"what? what you mean you give up? you are not giving up!! If you start thinking this way, you will never make it. Stop whining, stop complaining and make the best of it! It is YOUR life and you are fighting for it! wake up!!!!"
I get to wake up every time, but everytime seems to be harder.
I get out of that blurry bubble for a little while, soon I end up in there again, and the same story goes again.
I give up....then I dont give up.....then I cry..... then scream.....then pick all the pieces of my self together..... then i try put them together......then I lose my temper.....then I cry again and I give up again.....then I dont give up and I smile.....then I feel strong and proud of the progress I have made so far ..... then I enjoy the light for a little while and things make sense, I am even not afraid of my own self and I believe I am tired of hate and negativity and then its time to give up again, because my mother, for example, has made a plan of my next two days for me...... and so on and so on, the same story over and over again.
Somethimes I even think rehab is the best thing that happened to me ever!!!!
It is perfect opportunity to live my life on my own, free and to the fullest, with awareness and with insurance,that I will die happy.
I thank god for the strength he gives me every day to keep up fighting, I dont find bulimia as a curse but as a second chance. I am excited about the time, when I will be really over it and will live my life bulimia free, when I will look myself in the mirror and say "have a nice day" instead of "die ugly, fat bitch!" when I will be proud mother, wife, friend......instead of believing I dont deserve to be loved.
but then, of course, this so hopeful moment doesnt last long....... I get scared I will never make it.
It helps if I take life little step by little step and by little I mean .... little! not to think about tomorrow, or later that day, not to think about summer, winter, fall.... but focus on NOW.
Now is what it matters. No plans, just follow your own needs in that moment.
Ya that helps, but sometimes I lose my temper and I look forward, I look into the end of the day.....into tomorrow.......and my world collapses.
and it takes all the strength from me to get back together.
oh, yah, and then I see how I grow, and I see colors and joy.
does it mean I need collapses???? I need black to see white? I need rain to see sun? I need tears to hear the laugh?
Oh well, let it be.
I believe it is the way it's suppose to be and at this point, that the best that life can give me.
ok!
No comments:
Post a Comment