I am broken. Did vomit. Has been a while now since I puked but I couldnt take it anymore today.
I dont have a good day and only waited for the moment, when I will go to the toilet and do it.
My throat is soar now, it smells bed, but I dont feel any guilt for vomiting, tho I do feel very guilty for eating that chocolate. Why I didnt stop myself. what did actually happen?
What does it have to do with this moment?
It is not about stopping myself from eating chocolate, it is guilt for not protecting myself!
I didnt protect myself. And thats why I feel guilt about.
I feel so fucking bulimic and feels like I will never make it out.
Feels like there has no progress been made and it feels like a year ago.
Someone and something has a control over me.
After pukin, tho I checked there is no-one around, my mother heard me throw up, she came to my room, asking why I still do it.
She wanted to talk but she didnt succeed! She wasnt sure whether she wants to help me or whether she is angry at me because of my behaving. She wasnt that nice.
She told me she doesnt understand why I am acting this way and why I feel the way I feel, they are not on my way anymore and I can do whatever I wanna do!
really???? well, you are just about 7 years too late!!!!!
I didnt feel like she is there for me, she was there for her own sake.
She kept asking me why I feel the way I feel and why I am so allergic to them, why I see such big obstacle in them,a nd mostly, why I still vomit.
SHe just made a mess, she was so cold.
All I needed was her next to me, no sutpid questions that she will never get the answer to, no stupid talking, just be there with me, next to me, FOR me!!!
I am lost, dont you see, I am in pain and obviously I am not controling my emotions well at the moment. hello, wake up!
Is it really so fucking hard to sympathize with a junkie???
Am i really so not understandable?? I am not an alien!!!
Stupid me, I told her I dont feel good with them around and that I am way better on my own, I cant stand the energy....I see enemies in them. Well, she couldnt see what am talking about so she just said: if u feel like you are better on your ownm then I dont understand why you keep coming back home!"
and she left !!!! what a stupid statement....makes sense but not in her case.
I keep coming home because you trained me to do it!!! because you punished me everytime I didnt come home, because u put guilt on me if i didnt come home..... thats why.
yah, hasnt been that hard for a year now, but since 13 all the time I neededt o be next to both of my parents. thats why I am damaged now and thats why I cant move on, I am living in the past!!!!!
Thats the fucking why I am coming home.
Because I have been trained to do this!!
I am actually not sure If only my parents annoy me, I think I am more frustrated by my brother's girlfriend.
Oh my what an unhappy couple. I dont like my brother with her but she is piece of the hardest woman I have ever met.
SHe is such a bad energy bomb!!! I feel like punching her in her face like three times a day!!! but i cant. i dont . i dont say anything. i keep quoet and thats why i hate this home even more!!!
there is so much to tell her in her face. aaaaaaaaaah!!!!
well, no-one can understand my struggle, no-one understand what I am going trough. No-one can and no-one is to be blamed for that.
No-one can reach my feelings and nuderstand my heart. No-one understand, what chocolate means to me and how wrong look can took me to the toilet in a second!
Well, my boyfriend understands me pretty well, but apart from him, no-one else does and I try not to blame them but on the other hand I feel like screaming and shouting "duuuuuuuude, wake up!!! get out of my life!!"
NO-one knows how big, dangerous problem eating disorders are!!!
Eat healthy!!
Dont mind!! Dont bother!! try to ignore!! Go out!
Advices I get the most often...and If I dont do it this way, I am pronounced for a freak.
I can not -not to bother!!! well!! I am sick!! I do bother!!!! and I cant to ignore!! so yes, thats my problem, thats why am loosing it.....thats why!
fuck it!
I dont have a good day and only waited for the moment, when I will go to the toilet and do it.
My throat is soar now, it smells bed, but I dont feel any guilt for vomiting, tho I do feel very guilty for eating that chocolate. Why I didnt stop myself. what did actually happen?
What does it have to do with this moment?
It is not about stopping myself from eating chocolate, it is guilt for not protecting myself!
I didnt protect myself. And thats why I feel guilt about.
I feel so fucking bulimic and feels like I will never make it out.
Feels like there has no progress been made and it feels like a year ago.
Someone and something has a control over me.
After pukin, tho I checked there is no-one around, my mother heard me throw up, she came to my room, asking why I still do it.
She wanted to talk but she didnt succeed! She wasnt sure whether she wants to help me or whether she is angry at me because of my behaving. She wasnt that nice.
She told me she doesnt understand why I am acting this way and why I feel the way I feel, they are not on my way anymore and I can do whatever I wanna do!
really???? well, you are just about 7 years too late!!!!!
I didnt feel like she is there for me, she was there for her own sake.
She kept asking me why I feel the way I feel and why I am so allergic to them, why I see such big obstacle in them,a nd mostly, why I still vomit.
SHe just made a mess, she was so cold.
All I needed was her next to me, no sutpid questions that she will never get the answer to, no stupid talking, just be there with me, next to me, FOR me!!!
I am lost, dont you see, I am in pain and obviously I am not controling my emotions well at the moment. hello, wake up!
Is it really so fucking hard to sympathize with a junkie???
Am i really so not understandable?? I am not an alien!!!
Stupid me, I told her I dont feel good with them around and that I am way better on my own, I cant stand the energy....I see enemies in them. Well, she couldnt see what am talking about so she just said: if u feel like you are better on your ownm then I dont understand why you keep coming back home!"
and she left !!!! what a stupid statement....makes sense but not in her case.
I keep coming home because you trained me to do it!!! because you punished me everytime I didnt come home, because u put guilt on me if i didnt come home..... thats why.
yah, hasnt been that hard for a year now, but since 13 all the time I neededt o be next to both of my parents. thats why I am damaged now and thats why I cant move on, I am living in the past!!!!!
Thats the fucking why I am coming home.
Because I have been trained to do this!!
I am actually not sure If only my parents annoy me, I think I am more frustrated by my brother's girlfriend.
Oh my what an unhappy couple. I dont like my brother with her but she is piece of the hardest woman I have ever met.
SHe is such a bad energy bomb!!! I feel like punching her in her face like three times a day!!! but i cant. i dont . i dont say anything. i keep quoet and thats why i hate this home even more!!!
there is so much to tell her in her face. aaaaaaaaaah!!!!
well, no-one can understand my struggle, no-one understand what I am going trough. No-one can and no-one is to be blamed for that.
No-one can reach my feelings and nuderstand my heart. No-one understand, what chocolate means to me and how wrong look can took me to the toilet in a second!
Well, my boyfriend understands me pretty well, but apart from him, no-one else does and I try not to blame them but on the other hand I feel like screaming and shouting "duuuuuuuude, wake up!!! get out of my life!!"
NO-one knows how big, dangerous problem eating disorders are!!!
Eat healthy!!
Dont mind!! Dont bother!! try to ignore!! Go out!
Advices I get the most often...and If I dont do it this way, I am pronounced for a freak.
I can not -not to bother!!! well!! I am sick!! I do bother!!!! and I cant to ignore!! so yes, thats my problem, thats why am loosing it.....thats why!
fuck it!
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