Its my 1 full year of rehab. yay what a joy, lets celebrate it.
with tears.
sure. why not.
in a year i actually grew a lot as a person and I am understanding more of eating disorders issue now, but still very much struggling.
Today, on my anniversary I have missed my binging/purging so bad.
wished my stomach wasnt as small as it is so I could binge and more than anything I want to purge. take that devil outside. just one fucking purge.
im waiting for my boyfriend to call me, i am living for that moment. if he doesnt get the internet soon, I ll freak out.
yah i shoud control feelings by now but am feeling upset.
am at this point now when stopped and thought: "what a waste of life! shame on me!"
I dont knw why am actually whining now, when ED, you always have a reason to whine. even if all is good, you can always feel fat and ugly. always.
i have become an expert in looking for reasons to create drama. its unbelievable. I used to be ful of hope, now I believe that every single word anyone says or any single thing anyone does it is against me.
how good have I become with thinking that way.
I stay alive only for one reason: to torture myself. fuck off.
I thought of where all those fears are coming from and after a long time i thought of my long lost friend,
she was topshit for me, never even thought she wont be part of my life, but now I live my life without her. if only i could be angry or upset with her, but i cant.
its only me with this feeling.
but as I put all the hopes in our friendship, without protecting myself and as she is gone now, I live every moment fearing the reality: anyone can leave you any time!
I thought I am over our friendship, but more the days pass by, more i see I certainly have lots to get over with and let go. and as long as i dont do it, i will have this fear. I need to talk to myself.
oh anyways, it is my first anniversary ad am drinking champagne alone. how sad.
I better make a list of my benefits in past year.
+:
I kept relationship going.
I got meals routine, eating 5 times a day.
I got my regular going.
I got promoted at work
I went out few times.
I met friends more often.
I was more honest, spoke more truth.
I moved to new apartment.
I dress nicer.
I shower daily.
I fixed my teeth.
I didnt quit with antidepressant pills
I started horse riding.
I meditated several times.
I quit the purging pills.
I quit all the purging supplies.
I didnt vomit more than 15 times.
I faced the truth about myself.
I gave more space to my boyfriend.
I got rid of the debs.
I made quite good impression on new people.
I survived few days with my boyfriends parents, alone.
I made few good friends and hosted some of them.
I didnt cancel things.
I tried hard to forgive myself (not there yet).
I tried hard to forgive my parents (not there yet).
I built some of the confidence.
I did more arts.
I never skipped my therapy from no reason.
I put oil in my car.
I did lots of volunteering.
I took care of my african son.
I did sky diving.
I walked nacked infrot of my boyfriend.
I wore short dress.
I colored my hair.
I danced.
I posted round 90 posts on my blog.
I read few books.
I answered the phone much more often.
I did a lot of daily walking.
I cleaned up my facebook.
I kept 100g chocolate for 3 days.
I got less of perfectionist.
I shared my story.
And what have I learned?
I have learned that rehab is fucking billion hard!!!!!!
I have learned all the answers are carried by our own selves.
I have learned I can be funny sometimes and likable.
I have learned I am good with kids.
I have learned I can be a good girlfriend.
I have learned I am super jealous and bitchy.
I have learned family is not addressed by blood.
I have learned people are garbage.
I have learned losing weight doesn't make you happy.
I have learned world is all skinny.
I have learned music cures.
I have learned I am capable of doing many things.
I have learned trust is hard to earn.
I have learned bulimia is not about sandwich.
I have learned to question twice before believe.
I have learned people will hurt you no matter what.
I have learned when you really need someones hand, there is no-one there at that moment.
I have learned binging doesnt solve any emotional problems.
I have learned purging doesnt work with losing weight.
I have learned people have no clue about eating disorders.
I have learned EDs are much more fucked up problem than you could ever imagine.
I have learned writing blog helps.
I have learned love sets me free.
I have learned there 's no such thing childs laugh could not cure.
I have learned: it is you who do all the work if wanna be free!!!
I have also learned: bulimia cannot be beaten without a professional help.
I have learned 5 meals a day solve huge amount of problem.
I have learned rehab is expensive.
peace out.
with tears.
sure. why not.
in a year i actually grew a lot as a person and I am understanding more of eating disorders issue now, but still very much struggling.
Today, on my anniversary I have missed my binging/purging so bad.
wished my stomach wasnt as small as it is so I could binge and more than anything I want to purge. take that devil outside. just one fucking purge.
im waiting for my boyfriend to call me, i am living for that moment. if he doesnt get the internet soon, I ll freak out.
yah i shoud control feelings by now but am feeling upset.
am at this point now when stopped and thought: "what a waste of life! shame on me!"
I dont knw why am actually whining now, when ED, you always have a reason to whine. even if all is good, you can always feel fat and ugly. always.
i have become an expert in looking for reasons to create drama. its unbelievable. I used to be ful of hope, now I believe that every single word anyone says or any single thing anyone does it is against me.
how good have I become with thinking that way.
I stay alive only for one reason: to torture myself. fuck off.
I thought of where all those fears are coming from and after a long time i thought of my long lost friend,
she was topshit for me, never even thought she wont be part of my life, but now I live my life without her. if only i could be angry or upset with her, but i cant.
its only me with this feeling.
but as I put all the hopes in our friendship, without protecting myself and as she is gone now, I live every moment fearing the reality: anyone can leave you any time!
I thought I am over our friendship, but more the days pass by, more i see I certainly have lots to get over with and let go. and as long as i dont do it, i will have this fear. I need to talk to myself.
oh anyways, it is my first anniversary ad am drinking champagne alone. how sad.
I better make a list of my benefits in past year.
+:
I kept relationship going.
I got meals routine, eating 5 times a day.
I got my regular going.
I got promoted at work
I went out few times.
I met friends more often.
I was more honest, spoke more truth.
I moved to new apartment.
I dress nicer.
I shower daily.
I fixed my teeth.
I didnt quit with antidepressant pills
I started horse riding.
I meditated several times.
I quit the purging pills.
I quit all the purging supplies.
I didnt vomit more than 15 times.
I faced the truth about myself.
I gave more space to my boyfriend.
I got rid of the debs.
I made quite good impression on new people.
I survived few days with my boyfriends parents, alone.
I made few good friends and hosted some of them.
I didnt cancel things.
I tried hard to forgive myself (not there yet).
I tried hard to forgive my parents (not there yet).
I built some of the confidence.
I did more arts.
I never skipped my therapy from no reason.
I put oil in my car.
I did lots of volunteering.
I took care of my african son.
I did sky diving.
I walked nacked infrot of my boyfriend.
I wore short dress.
I colored my hair.
I danced.
I posted round 90 posts on my blog.
I read few books.
I answered the phone much more often.
I did a lot of daily walking.
I cleaned up my facebook.
I kept 100g chocolate for 3 days.
I got less of perfectionist.
I shared my story.
And what have I learned?
I have learned that rehab is fucking billion hard!!!!!!
I have learned all the answers are carried by our own selves.
I have learned I can be funny sometimes and likable.
I have learned I am good with kids.
I have learned I can be a good girlfriend.
I have learned I am super jealous and bitchy.
I have learned family is not addressed by blood.
I have learned people are garbage.
I have learned losing weight doesn't make you happy.
I have learned world is all skinny.
I have learned music cures.
I have learned I am capable of doing many things.
I have learned trust is hard to earn.
I have learned bulimia is not about sandwich.
I have learned to question twice before believe.
I have learned people will hurt you no matter what.
I have learned when you really need someones hand, there is no-one there at that moment.
I have learned binging doesnt solve any emotional problems.
I have learned purging doesnt work with losing weight.
I have learned people have no clue about eating disorders.
I have learned EDs are much more fucked up problem than you could ever imagine.
I have learned writing blog helps.
I have learned love sets me free.
I have learned there 's no such thing childs laugh could not cure.
I have learned: it is you who do all the work if wanna be free!!!
I have also learned: bulimia cannot be beaten without a professional help.
I have learned 5 meals a day solve huge amount of problem.
I have learned rehab is expensive.
peace out.
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