ha, what a funny day.
woke up more tired than before the bed, my neighbors renovating their apartment is now much fun, every morning at 7.30 I ask out loud: "can I sue them for the noise they make every fucking morning? Isnt 7.30 a bit too early??!" oh well, all grumpy I made myself a coffee and my day took off when my amazing boyfriend called me.
Gosh I love that man and finally accepting the fact that he loves me too, is something I have dreamed about all my life. That I will be well enough to let myself be loved and respected by the man of my dreams.
That doesnt sound cheezy, does it?
After our inlove skype hang out, there spoke that cold, dark voice up: "It is not true. You are not worth it!"
For some reason I am trying to take care of myself, since I promised that to my boyfriend before he left, so I told the voice to fuck of and put the "Yes, Dear!" program on. haha call me lame, but funny so called time wasting program pretty much wasnt time-wasting but it turned out to be very good therapy.
Had lunch, ate half of it as bulimia wanted something for return to leave me alone, so didnt finish. Was 1.30pm when wanted to get ready for the workshop I signed in for, at the "safe house" I had my group therapies. it was art-psychological workshop, getting to know your feeling towards your family trough the art. I really wanted to attend but last minutes my bulimia asked me to cancel it. Bitch. she almost got it. but as I am in not very active mode at the moment, I just "fuck her off" again and said: give me a break, am going!!
Its not sort of power, is just I am not in the mood to go deeper to my feelings at the moment.
Was hard to pick up clothes, after all I made it and left.
it was pretty empty feeling, didnt feel much. was still half asleep! disliked the fact being alive.
Made it to the "safe house" where it once again got proved why its called the "safe house!"
had a chat with my ex therapiest, felt so strange she wanted to talk as in my world with my rules she shouldnt, as I let her down.
Oh well, apparently not all people take everything that personally and not all people call you "evil person" if you do something good for your own self. thats not very common in my world, well, Im learning about it with my relationship now, but my friends are more like: "hey, sorry, am not gonna make it, am tired!" "oh, damn you!" but more than my friends is about my family.
actually, its just about my family. Again!
Where do I get those thoughts from?? From my family!
It showed up im going to be the only one at the workshop and that was fine with me. i did feel good there.
did some painting and some coloring and so a psychologist analyzed my work. noting very impressive since most of it I already new. but still.
there was over an hour left and the therapist started chatting again,asking me thing and so I opened up.
Was talking about my feelings, about my feeling towards family, about my fear of ending up alone if I really get to cut my family from my life a bit, how the world would collapse and nothing, and I mean it -nothing, would make any sense without them. They are ones who brought me up to life, gave me life, gave me food, gave me roof above my head, thery are the one to be respected.
Do I really believe I am not able to live without them? Hell NO!
I know I am able to live without them, even better!! but I couldnt live with that feeling of guilt that I so badly let them down. and here comes the blessing of psychiatrists and therapists and psychologists.... they all tell me the same: "Honey, this is not you, this is your mather and your father talking trough you!"
Yes they are.
They also say: "Its alright, all the life on the earth you have been listening you dont show any respect just because you trying to live your own life!! you have been listening you are not good person and not able to take care of yourself, you need them to help you...this is their message trough their actions!!.....you need a lot of encouraging and warm words now to slowly shut that voice of them down! and no-one said its going to be easy! there is a voice of bulimia and there is a voice of your parents. it takes hell of a time and effort but you are doing it great!"
I got so much warmth and so many positive affirmations that when left, I felt awesome. I felt like only my boyfriend can make me feel: accepted, respected, loved and appreciated just the way I am!
Made it home and started thinking, how luck I am to be so respected by workers in the safe house that they did take time knly for me and did their best at that time to make me feel good and help me! I felt awesome and special. I felt beautiful and I felt fearless. I felt like I understand it even more now, and I am going to make it. I felt honest.
Feeling good ofcourse means wake up call for bulimia and so she woke up and reminded me, I am not awesome, I am just piece of crap and big mess. I only feel good because I got so much attention, how lame is that!
WAIT A MINUTE!!!
you are so right, bulimia!!
I did feel good because I got all that attention and I do feel good with my boyfriend, but he gives me the most attention of all!
yes, it is true that with all those psychiatrists and therapists and psychologists and brilliant boyfriend I do get enough of warmth and positive words to actually feel good!!
I may have "lack-of-attention-syndrome" but it makes perfect sense. Again: for whole my life I have never got the REAL, TRUE attention. I always get the audience and lots of applause, but never anything honest.
sure, everynow and then there is a "best friend" in my life that makes me feel "whole", but I cant own them, plus in my experience so far - best friends come and go! fut "family" stays. and by family I dont mean mother and father..... I mean soulmate. And allthis time I have been souldmatefree! now I have my boyfriend and with him I am experience the beauty of "being myself!" and so do I experience it with my doctors, if only I could ignore the fact I pay them for this.
But my point is: When I was a little girl, growing up, I never experienced the beauty of myself with my parents leading me trough this life.
It was always about them and never about me.
It was always about what people will think, how I hurt them and disrespect them, It was always about some values that I didnt even understand..... but never aout how do I really feel about something. do i really want it? do i really like it? does it make me happy?
no, they always knew whats the best for me....and they still do!
well, it will stop soon, since there must be some beauty in "being me!"
woke up more tired than before the bed, my neighbors renovating their apartment is now much fun, every morning at 7.30 I ask out loud: "can I sue them for the noise they make every fucking morning? Isnt 7.30 a bit too early??!" oh well, all grumpy I made myself a coffee and my day took off when my amazing boyfriend called me.
Gosh I love that man and finally accepting the fact that he loves me too, is something I have dreamed about all my life. That I will be well enough to let myself be loved and respected by the man of my dreams.
That doesnt sound cheezy, does it?
After our inlove skype hang out, there spoke that cold, dark voice up: "It is not true. You are not worth it!"
For some reason I am trying to take care of myself, since I promised that to my boyfriend before he left, so I told the voice to fuck of and put the "Yes, Dear!" program on. haha call me lame, but funny so called time wasting program pretty much wasnt time-wasting but it turned out to be very good therapy.
Had lunch, ate half of it as bulimia wanted something for return to leave me alone, so didnt finish. Was 1.30pm when wanted to get ready for the workshop I signed in for, at the "safe house" I had my group therapies. it was art-psychological workshop, getting to know your feeling towards your family trough the art. I really wanted to attend but last minutes my bulimia asked me to cancel it. Bitch. she almost got it. but as I am in not very active mode at the moment, I just "fuck her off" again and said: give me a break, am going!!
Its not sort of power, is just I am not in the mood to go deeper to my feelings at the moment.
Was hard to pick up clothes, after all I made it and left.
it was pretty empty feeling, didnt feel much. was still half asleep! disliked the fact being alive.
Made it to the "safe house" where it once again got proved why its called the "safe house!"
had a chat with my ex therapiest, felt so strange she wanted to talk as in my world with my rules she shouldnt, as I let her down.
Oh well, apparently not all people take everything that personally and not all people call you "evil person" if you do something good for your own self. thats not very common in my world, well, Im learning about it with my relationship now, but my friends are more like: "hey, sorry, am not gonna make it, am tired!" "oh, damn you!" but more than my friends is about my family.
actually, its just about my family. Again!
Where do I get those thoughts from?? From my family!
It showed up im going to be the only one at the workshop and that was fine with me. i did feel good there.
did some painting and some coloring and so a psychologist analyzed my work. noting very impressive since most of it I already new. but still.
there was over an hour left and the therapist started chatting again,asking me thing and so I opened up.
Was talking about my feelings, about my feeling towards family, about my fear of ending up alone if I really get to cut my family from my life a bit, how the world would collapse and nothing, and I mean it -nothing, would make any sense without them. They are ones who brought me up to life, gave me life, gave me food, gave me roof above my head, thery are the one to be respected.
Do I really believe I am not able to live without them? Hell NO!
I know I am able to live without them, even better!! but I couldnt live with that feeling of guilt that I so badly let them down. and here comes the blessing of psychiatrists and therapists and psychologists.... they all tell me the same: "Honey, this is not you, this is your mather and your father talking trough you!"
Yes they are.
They also say: "Its alright, all the life on the earth you have been listening you dont show any respect just because you trying to live your own life!! you have been listening you are not good person and not able to take care of yourself, you need them to help you...this is their message trough their actions!!.....you need a lot of encouraging and warm words now to slowly shut that voice of them down! and no-one said its going to be easy! there is a voice of bulimia and there is a voice of your parents. it takes hell of a time and effort but you are doing it great!"
I got so much warmth and so many positive affirmations that when left, I felt awesome. I felt like only my boyfriend can make me feel: accepted, respected, loved and appreciated just the way I am!
Made it home and started thinking, how luck I am to be so respected by workers in the safe house that they did take time knly for me and did their best at that time to make me feel good and help me! I felt awesome and special. I felt beautiful and I felt fearless. I felt like I understand it even more now, and I am going to make it. I felt honest.
Feeling good ofcourse means wake up call for bulimia and so she woke up and reminded me, I am not awesome, I am just piece of crap and big mess. I only feel good because I got so much attention, how lame is that!
WAIT A MINUTE!!!
you are so right, bulimia!!
I did feel good because I got all that attention and I do feel good with my boyfriend, but he gives me the most attention of all!
yes, it is true that with all those psychiatrists and therapists and psychologists and brilliant boyfriend I do get enough of warmth and positive words to actually feel good!!
I may have "lack-of-attention-syndrome" but it makes perfect sense. Again: for whole my life I have never got the REAL, TRUE attention. I always get the audience and lots of applause, but never anything honest.
sure, everynow and then there is a "best friend" in my life that makes me feel "whole", but I cant own them, plus in my experience so far - best friends come and go! fut "family" stays. and by family I dont mean mother and father..... I mean soulmate. And allthis time I have been souldmatefree! now I have my boyfriend and with him I am experience the beauty of "being myself!" and so do I experience it with my doctors, if only I could ignore the fact I pay them for this.
But my point is: When I was a little girl, growing up, I never experienced the beauty of myself with my parents leading me trough this life.
It was always about them and never about me.
It was always about what people will think, how I hurt them and disrespect them, It was always about some values that I didnt even understand..... but never aout how do I really feel about something. do i really want it? do i really like it? does it make me happy?
no, they always knew whats the best for me....and they still do!
well, it will stop soon, since there must be some beauty in "being me!"
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