For last 6 weeks I havent said a positive word on myself. every now and then i would say "oh am not that ugly" and that is it.
most of my days are filled with "I stink, i am lame. I am fat. I am ugly. I laugh like a fart, I am annoying. I am not worthy, my face is odd, my legs are fat, my style is weird, i am an awful girlfriend, i dont deserve anything, i am uncool, i am pale, my hair has no style, i remember having nicer orange hair, i am retarded, i am cursed, i cause problems......"
the biggest of all are for sure I am not worthy, i am not good girlfiend and i am fat and ugly.
i have been living in ugly gray cloud for last 6 weeks. i am missing out fun and joy.
i am depressed and shitty.
i am mean to my own self.
i say things to myself i would never say to a person on a street, never, not eeven in my mind.
i simply dont like myself.
and for 6 weeks i havent stand up for myself not even once, not even once i said one niice word.
just complaining about how bad person i am and how i dont deserve to be my boyfriends partner because he is just too good for me and how i am ruining our relationship with bulimia, regardless that he chose to be with me and my bulimia... i am no good and i suck however you look at me.
i am stuck with my selfhate. i see absolutely no beauty, i cnt even enjoy having my boyfriend over here for six months. there just no joy. no emotions come true my wall. i am refusing to feel anything because that means i need to deal with it.
everytime i feel something is fear my boyfriend will hurt me, just like asses that i used to call my bestfriends and let me down when my life took the turn to the worst...i ahd big faith in them and they took it all away and now i live naked and fearful. i am afraid i dont know what love is. now-one fucking ever thaught me what love is. in my world love means lots of yelling at one another, lots of cheating, lots of possesive behaving, lots of harming, lots of anger and lots of bulling.
i get none of it from my relationship and so am freaking out. wheres a catch??
i am so afraid i will be hurt in a world i dont know, i shut all of myself down.
and i dont know how to cope with my fear. am trying tho, but seems like i ve been failing lots.
i keep anoying my boyfirned and crying shit out of me, it helps sometimes tho, but my therapist is saying i cant always count on him and i should face whatever is hiding behind that fear.
i cant, it seems too big. i cant let go.
just cant fucking let go.
i am not me, i dont know who i am but no feeling are running trough my body.
i just hate myself. i cant stand myself.
am just whining how ugly i am and how my parents annoy me.
i dont let go neither of it.
its choking me badly, and if i dont break free from my family and my selfhate, am not gonna make it.
its hard tho.
no-one told me this rehab is facing hell.
if i make it trough, i can do jsut about ANYfuckingTHING!!!
days pass me by, weeks pass by, and so do months.... and so are my feelings.
and i migt be completely beautiful soul, with beautiful purpuse.
maybe i am beautiful.
FUCK YOU, SELFHATE!!
