I often think of this.
What would happen if we all simply loved our bodies?
I dream of that.
I pray for that.
Not only for myself to accept myself for who I am and for how my body is, but of all of you.
I pray.
So I wanna share this with you.
If nothing else it is a good cry.
At least for me it was. It hit the places that hurt the most.
http://aplus.com/a/this-woman-wants-to-change-how-we-look-at-our-bodies
I will always pray.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
About letting go ..
I am fighting.
Still.
Every day.
Every moment.
There has been countless times when I wanted to give up and just puke. It seemed so easy.
When my bulimia was in the big swing I would puke about 10 times a day and I would take about 10 laxative pills which meant about 30 diarrheas a day, binging kilos and kilos of food or starving myself to the collapse.
Endless pain at the toilet, puking and shitting blood, screaming from the pain. Pilling the skin off the legs, pulling hair of my head, loosing teeth, crying because of the haemorrhoids sticking out of my butt bleeding, choking with my own vomit ....
It was all much easier than rehab.
I wish, just for some short time I could release my pain with vomiting and not with feeling all of it.
I mean, it is not this bad every day, but last few months have been hectic like this.
I am going off the antidepressants. [HOORAY!!!!]
oh boy.
I was ready. I really was ready to free myself from the AD (they were helping my numbness control me for longer) but oh boy.
I did it very slow. Like very, very, slow.
but still. It affected me.
Emotions started pouring out that were shut before.
Thoughts were louder and the opinion was stronger.
Suddenly, I wasn't happy at work, I saw how hypocrite the people are that I haven't seen it before, and it frustrated me so much. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. Why does it bother me so much? What is actually my problem?
I struggled with my family big time again.
Not that it was ever much better but I almost found some peace for few months. My dad didn't spoke to me and my mom cooled down a little bit.
but it all came back over the past three months.
I feel almost hate towards them.
Every single day I would struggle with my dad and my mom in my head.
Feeling caught and tricked.
Screwed and manipulated by my family.
I felt this way before, but now it was different.
Now I have been on a rehab for two years and half. I am different. Same stories got different dimensions.
I felt a lot of hate when I let that emotion come out (through my body).
Therapies were spooky and there was a lot of horror present in my every day.
I felt caught by my father. I couldn't move forward an inch, I felt like I am a hostage.
All his yelling came out. It hurt all over again.
All of my mom's possessing behaviour came out, it was ready to be dealt.
I felt like I am a mistake.
I still feel this way, but I can tell that it is settling slowly.
I need some rest then I will be ready for a new chapter.
I am so disconnected. Still.
This bothers me so much.
Also now, right now, writing this, I am not fully present.
I am aware of writing, and I know I will post this.
I am aware of time. I know In 45 minutes my fiancée is coming home and we will eat, but I am writing all of this from the memory, not from my heart. From my body.
I don't know if you can sense it or not. But it is obvious.
My face is empty and I don't feel all of my body.
I feel my legs and my stomach as I am feeling sick, but my head is not connected to my body and I am not feeling my arms although I am using my hands now.
My partner told me today he feels like I shut myself.
I feel shut down.
I don't want to feel. I don't want to deal with anything.
I am tired.
I wanna sleep. My body is aching. I have been having cramps all over my body for last three days. it is annoying and painful. I am assuming it is because there is shit waiting for me to be ready to deal with it. it wants to come out but I keep shutting it down. I am not ready.
So my body is full of emotions that I have been ignoring and it hurts.
You know that saying: Never trust your mind. Your mind will play tricks on you. Go into your body. Body never lies. Body is smarter than you.
When I was first introduced to the rehab "SHUT YOUR MIND DOWN!! GO INTO YOUR BODY. WHAT IS THERE? WHAT DO YOU FEEL?"
I didn't understand it at all. what crap.
I always thought you are your mind.
And now my therapist is trying to convince me I am not my mind. [????]
I even read a book THE POWER OF NOW sayig exactly the same thing. I did not get it.
I still don't. but I am closer to the truth now.
I am having more faith into that "saying"....
I am trying.
I am giving it a chance.
but it is so freaking hard.
Do things slow. Observe your body. If you hear your mind speak, observe how your body reacts to it.
Feel your body. Be present. Be fully present. Quite your mind. Let the body speak.
All that you ever suffered from and you stuffed it deep down into your body with food and selfhate, or you even believed you flushed it down the toilet everytime you puked....well, it did not go further than from your head to your toes. It is still there. Somewhere in your body, waiting for you to be ready to wake it up, deal with it and let it go.
This let go thing was also very confusing to me..... what does Let go! even mean??
what, I go to the therapy, lets say I manage to shut my mind down, I start feeling my body, I follow the pain, I feel the pain, Soon the emotion comes out, I recognize the emotion, stay with it for some time ................. and then what............................. let it go? and then all will be OK?
it never worked this way for me.
it always kept coming back and back!
I couldn't understand it. I thought I Let it go!
But it did not go. it was still there.
Then I learned things don't go away in 30 minutes of my (hard) work. Nah!
they might need more time.
Some things needs days and days to be completely away.
Some weeks and week. And some even years and years (family).
So I learned patience.
Ok, no, I did not lean patience. I have NO patience and It seems like I have zero tolerance to the patience. But what I did learn is that there is such thing as patience and it is useful.
I use some patience on a yoga mat. Or yoga taught me some patience. I don't know and I don't need to know right now. I think it goes hand in hand.
But Yoga mat is a place where I practice patience. Where I am able to practice patience, I think this is what it is.
I move slow. I breathe. I stop when I have it enough yet I push myself every time I hit the yoga mat.
There is now word to describe my yoga situation.
I love yoga. I love being a yogi person (whenever I can). I did a lot of yoga when my bulimia was a bit in a stand by mode few years ago. Then bulimia came back and it took my yoga and my dance away. I could never go back to dance again, but I tried to do yoga. it was a nightmare. I hated it. hated it soooo much. I hated myself on a mat. I hated my heavy body. I hated I could not do asanas as I used to did. Ihated I was out of a breath in no time. I ripped yogamat after yogamat and had loud suicidal thoughts everytime I'd spend more than 3 minutes on a mat. I wanted to die.
In my head I had that idea I will once do my practice again, but reality was anything but promising.
Then My fiancée moved over from New Zealand and he is a patience
-----------
This is me writing after few days.
I am exhausted.
I had a sleepless night.
Woke up at 1.20am from a nightmare then I could not fall asleep at all.
My mind got so busy, all 6 voices in my head worked hard to keep me awake so next time I realized it was 6 o'clock in the morning.
My worries were flipping from bulimic thoughts to the everyday worries such as work.
I worried I am gaining weight each and every minute of my life and I worried I will nt be able to control myself next time I see my boss.
It is heard to deal with job situations, such as dealing with your boss's hypocrite face and disrespect if you don't have strong foundations.
My situation at work is pretty much every day situation, but I struggle big time because I cannot draw a line between I take no more bullshit and I take all the bullshit.
it is hard for me to voice my opinion at work because my boss knows me as someone who struggles with selfesteem and needs a lot of positive affirmations. He knows that so he knows he can manipulate with me. but the thing is I have grown stronger since my first year at work and now it is hard for me to fix my reputation.
It is time for me to change a job I believe.
We are moving to New Zealand next year this time so I guess I can hold on for one more school year.
I visited my parents yesterday. Left the same day.
I felt so guilty.
Leaving my mama and papa.
but if I didn't leave they would eat me alive.
I feel so frugal these days.
My mind is going crazy.
I judge my body same as I judged it back then when bulimia had full control over me.
I am hating my body.
I am doubting in myself.
I am afraid.
I am distanced from my partner whom I am getting married to in a month.
It sux.
I mean being detached not getting married.
I cant make love to him I am overwhelmed.
Bulimia and relationship are not best friends.
My partner is down to earth and he has full understanding of what is happening with me and why I cant be a good partner to him, and he supports me and loves me deeply.
Yah, I am so lucky. But being the one who is a reason for lack of sex and peace in the house it is not easy to swallow. it is a good reason to hate myself even more for who I am.
Life is difficult right now.
I have faith. Deep down I am very faithful, that's why I keep on going,but there is no peace within me.
I hold on the negativity!
I create negativity.
I create worries. I cant handle all six voices in my head. I simply cant. I shut one down and there you go, another one screams.
I look for negativity.
It feeds my bulimia.
It seems like I am only interested in people that don't accept me fully. With their judgmets about me I feed my bulimia. I hold on that for hours and hours.
I see no beauty within me, around me.
I don't see my good friends. I see those who left.
I don't see kids loving me but I see teachers who don't like me and my boss who has odd attitude towards employees.
I don't see beauty outside but I see my "fat" body.
I don't see how loved I am by my fiancée all I hold on is a fear of him leaving because I am not good enough. Because I don't give him myself, my body.
But I hate my body.
Letting him love my body makes me feel better and I don't want to feel better. I want to suffer and hate myself. this is what I know best. I don't know how to be fine with who I am, so I don't want it. it is too scary. I might do it wrong. I don't want to let go of the selfhate.
everyone tells me how skinny I am, how good I look, how shiny my skin is. I ignore them.
If I believed them when they ask what powder I use because my skin is "perfect" but I don't use any powder, that would mean I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good ccare of my skin, my body. when they tell me my body shape is hot and that I lost so much weight and that I look good and that I look healthy etc. I must ignore them. if I would not ignore them I might believe them and then I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good care of my body, my diet schedule, my recovery. But that would mean I would accept myself for who I am and have faith in myself. Believing I am doing good with eating 5-6 times a day, recovering well ...... but I don't want to believe that. I am not good. I cant believe I am good, then the voices in my head would be shut down. but I don't want them to shut down because I feel safe with them torturing me because they have been torturing me for half of my life and I know this kind of life. it is not good and it is painful but it is well known to me. I know what will happen. I have control.
I don't want to see how much my partner loves me.
If so, I would need to accept mself fully and this is what I dotn want to do. I cant b fine with myself. How does it feel to be fine with myself???? I don't know so I don't want to try it because I am afraid of the unknown. It scares me. It would mean I have no control over it. It is better to stay in my comfort zone. It hurts but that's ok, at least I know it well.
I don't want to change. I fear changes. I don't know life behind the wall so ti scares me.
Let go?
Change?
Accept?
believe I am just fine the way I am and that not everyone will always like me???? seriously!?!?! NO thanks! I aim for perfection.
People tell me there is no such thing as perfection but I don't believe them because I create perfection for others in my mind. My mind tells me such and such friend is perfect because she has flat stomac, she is pregnant and haven't gained any weight, her home is big and nice, she is married ad have job bla bla bla....... for me, there is such thing as perfection.
I believe in all those photoshoped photos and spotless skins.
I do.
-
Still.
Every day.
Every moment.
There has been countless times when I wanted to give up and just puke. It seemed so easy.
When my bulimia was in the big swing I would puke about 10 times a day and I would take about 10 laxative pills which meant about 30 diarrheas a day, binging kilos and kilos of food or starving myself to the collapse.
Endless pain at the toilet, puking and shitting blood, screaming from the pain. Pilling the skin off the legs, pulling hair of my head, loosing teeth, crying because of the haemorrhoids sticking out of my butt bleeding, choking with my own vomit ....
It was all much easier than rehab.
I wish, just for some short time I could release my pain with vomiting and not with feeling all of it.
I mean, it is not this bad every day, but last few months have been hectic like this.
I am going off the antidepressants. [HOORAY!!!!]
oh boy.
I was ready. I really was ready to free myself from the AD (they were helping my numbness control me for longer) but oh boy.
I did it very slow. Like very, very, slow.
but still. It affected me.
Emotions started pouring out that were shut before.
Thoughts were louder and the opinion was stronger.
Suddenly, I wasn't happy at work, I saw how hypocrite the people are that I haven't seen it before, and it frustrated me so much. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. Why does it bother me so much? What is actually my problem?
I struggled with my family big time again.
Not that it was ever much better but I almost found some peace for few months. My dad didn't spoke to me and my mom cooled down a little bit.
but it all came back over the past three months.
I feel almost hate towards them.
Every single day I would struggle with my dad and my mom in my head.
Feeling caught and tricked.
Screwed and manipulated by my family.
I felt this way before, but now it was different.
Now I have been on a rehab for two years and half. I am different. Same stories got different dimensions.
I felt a lot of hate when I let that emotion come out (through my body).
Therapies were spooky and there was a lot of horror present in my every day.
I felt caught by my father. I couldn't move forward an inch, I felt like I am a hostage.
All his yelling came out. It hurt all over again.
All of my mom's possessing behaviour came out, it was ready to be dealt.
I felt like I am a mistake.
I still feel this way, but I can tell that it is settling slowly.
I need some rest then I will be ready for a new chapter.
I am so disconnected. Still.
This bothers me so much.
Also now, right now, writing this, I am not fully present.
I am aware of writing, and I know I will post this.
I am aware of time. I know In 45 minutes my fiancée is coming home and we will eat, but I am writing all of this from the memory, not from my heart. From my body.
I don't know if you can sense it or not. But it is obvious.
My face is empty and I don't feel all of my body.
I feel my legs and my stomach as I am feeling sick, but my head is not connected to my body and I am not feeling my arms although I am using my hands now.
My partner told me today he feels like I shut myself.
I feel shut down.
I don't want to feel. I don't want to deal with anything.
I am tired.
I wanna sleep. My body is aching. I have been having cramps all over my body for last three days. it is annoying and painful. I am assuming it is because there is shit waiting for me to be ready to deal with it. it wants to come out but I keep shutting it down. I am not ready.
So my body is full of emotions that I have been ignoring and it hurts.
You know that saying: Never trust your mind. Your mind will play tricks on you. Go into your body. Body never lies. Body is smarter than you.
When I was first introduced to the rehab "SHUT YOUR MIND DOWN!! GO INTO YOUR BODY. WHAT IS THERE? WHAT DO YOU FEEL?"
I didn't understand it at all. what crap.
I always thought you are your mind.
And now my therapist is trying to convince me I am not my mind. [????]
I even read a book THE POWER OF NOW sayig exactly the same thing. I did not get it.
I still don't. but I am closer to the truth now.
I am having more faith into that "saying"....
I am trying.
I am giving it a chance.
but it is so freaking hard.
Do things slow. Observe your body. If you hear your mind speak, observe how your body reacts to it.
Feel your body. Be present. Be fully present. Quite your mind. Let the body speak.
All that you ever suffered from and you stuffed it deep down into your body with food and selfhate, or you even believed you flushed it down the toilet everytime you puked....well, it did not go further than from your head to your toes. It is still there. Somewhere in your body, waiting for you to be ready to wake it up, deal with it and let it go.
This let go thing was also very confusing to me..... what does Let go! even mean??
what, I go to the therapy, lets say I manage to shut my mind down, I start feeling my body, I follow the pain, I feel the pain, Soon the emotion comes out, I recognize the emotion, stay with it for some time ................. and then what............................. let it go? and then all will be OK?
it never worked this way for me.
it always kept coming back and back!
I couldn't understand it. I thought I Let it go!
But it did not go. it was still there.
Then I learned things don't go away in 30 minutes of my (hard) work. Nah!
they might need more time.
Some things needs days and days to be completely away.
Some weeks and week. And some even years and years (family).
So I learned patience.
Ok, no, I did not lean patience. I have NO patience and It seems like I have zero tolerance to the patience. But what I did learn is that there is such thing as patience and it is useful.
I use some patience on a yoga mat. Or yoga taught me some patience. I don't know and I don't need to know right now. I think it goes hand in hand.
But Yoga mat is a place where I practice patience. Where I am able to practice patience, I think this is what it is.
I move slow. I breathe. I stop when I have it enough yet I push myself every time I hit the yoga mat.
There is now word to describe my yoga situation.
I love yoga. I love being a yogi person (whenever I can). I did a lot of yoga when my bulimia was a bit in a stand by mode few years ago. Then bulimia came back and it took my yoga and my dance away. I could never go back to dance again, but I tried to do yoga. it was a nightmare. I hated it. hated it soooo much. I hated myself on a mat. I hated my heavy body. I hated I could not do asanas as I used to did. Ihated I was out of a breath in no time. I ripped yogamat after yogamat and had loud suicidal thoughts everytime I'd spend more than 3 minutes on a mat. I wanted to die.
In my head I had that idea I will once do my practice again, but reality was anything but promising.
Then My fiancée moved over from New Zealand and he is a patience
-----------
This is me writing after few days.
I am exhausted.
I had a sleepless night.
Woke up at 1.20am from a nightmare then I could not fall asleep at all.
My mind got so busy, all 6 voices in my head worked hard to keep me awake so next time I realized it was 6 o'clock in the morning.
My worries were flipping from bulimic thoughts to the everyday worries such as work.
I worried I am gaining weight each and every minute of my life and I worried I will nt be able to control myself next time I see my boss.
It is heard to deal with job situations, such as dealing with your boss's hypocrite face and disrespect if you don't have strong foundations.
My situation at work is pretty much every day situation, but I struggle big time because I cannot draw a line between I take no more bullshit and I take all the bullshit.
it is hard for me to voice my opinion at work because my boss knows me as someone who struggles with selfesteem and needs a lot of positive affirmations. He knows that so he knows he can manipulate with me. but the thing is I have grown stronger since my first year at work and now it is hard for me to fix my reputation.
It is time for me to change a job I believe.
We are moving to New Zealand next year this time so I guess I can hold on for one more school year.
I visited my parents yesterday. Left the same day.
I felt so guilty.
Leaving my mama and papa.
but if I didn't leave they would eat me alive.
I feel so frugal these days.
My mind is going crazy.
I judge my body same as I judged it back then when bulimia had full control over me.
I am hating my body.
I am doubting in myself.
I am afraid.
I am distanced from my partner whom I am getting married to in a month.
It sux.
I mean being detached not getting married.
I cant make love to him I am overwhelmed.
Bulimia and relationship are not best friends.
My partner is down to earth and he has full understanding of what is happening with me and why I cant be a good partner to him, and he supports me and loves me deeply.
Yah, I am so lucky. But being the one who is a reason for lack of sex and peace in the house it is not easy to swallow. it is a good reason to hate myself even more for who I am.
Life is difficult right now.
I have faith. Deep down I am very faithful, that's why I keep on going,but there is no peace within me.
I hold on the negativity!
I create negativity.
I create worries. I cant handle all six voices in my head. I simply cant. I shut one down and there you go, another one screams.
I look for negativity.
It feeds my bulimia.
It seems like I am only interested in people that don't accept me fully. With their judgmets about me I feed my bulimia. I hold on that for hours and hours.
I see no beauty within me, around me.
I don't see my good friends. I see those who left.
I don't see kids loving me but I see teachers who don't like me and my boss who has odd attitude towards employees.
I don't see beauty outside but I see my "fat" body.
I don't see how loved I am by my fiancée all I hold on is a fear of him leaving because I am not good enough. Because I don't give him myself, my body.
But I hate my body.
Letting him love my body makes me feel better and I don't want to feel better. I want to suffer and hate myself. this is what I know best. I don't know how to be fine with who I am, so I don't want it. it is too scary. I might do it wrong. I don't want to let go of the selfhate.
everyone tells me how skinny I am, how good I look, how shiny my skin is. I ignore them.
If I believed them when they ask what powder I use because my skin is "perfect" but I don't use any powder, that would mean I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good ccare of my skin, my body. when they tell me my body shape is hot and that I lost so much weight and that I look good and that I look healthy etc. I must ignore them. if I would not ignore them I might believe them and then I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good care of my body, my diet schedule, my recovery. But that would mean I would accept myself for who I am and have faith in myself. Believing I am doing good with eating 5-6 times a day, recovering well ...... but I don't want to believe that. I am not good. I cant believe I am good, then the voices in my head would be shut down. but I don't want them to shut down because I feel safe with them torturing me because they have been torturing me for half of my life and I know this kind of life. it is not good and it is painful but it is well known to me. I know what will happen. I have control.
I don't want to see how much my partner loves me.
If so, I would need to accept mself fully and this is what I dotn want to do. I cant b fine with myself. How does it feel to be fine with myself???? I don't know so I don't want to try it because I am afraid of the unknown. It scares me. It would mean I have no control over it. It is better to stay in my comfort zone. It hurts but that's ok, at least I know it well.
I don't want to change. I fear changes. I don't know life behind the wall so ti scares me.
Let go?
Change?
Accept?
believe I am just fine the way I am and that not everyone will always like me???? seriously!?!?! NO thanks! I aim for perfection.
People tell me there is no such thing as perfection but I don't believe them because I create perfection for others in my mind. My mind tells me such and such friend is perfect because she has flat stomac, she is pregnant and haven't gained any weight, her home is big and nice, she is married ad have job bla bla bla....... for me, there is such thing as perfection.
I believe in all those photoshoped photos and spotless skins.
I do.
-
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