Wednesday, October 31, 2012

you get the worst of me!

"you get the worst of me!"

There is no hope for me.
Those voices I am bad person arent just sick voices of my bulimia, I really am!!
yesterday my car broke down and it was my fault because I didnt take care of it, didnt cchange oil when i was suppose to and so my cars engine passed away.
I can live with that, it would cost me loads of money to fix it and I could survive. telling the truth it is my fault also isnt that big deal but it was a huge deal when it came to my parents, especially father.
he started giving me hard times how lazy I am and not resposnible and I need to grow up and not take life so easy and on and on....and my first reaction was I lied to him that my car broke down from another reason and not because there was no oil in the machine.
Like I was 15. it is hard to admit your mistakes but if i cannot admit it I at least keep quite, but to my parents I always like. and so i lied yesterday with 26 years of age!!
so embaresing and so sad!!

when the mechanic told me what is the reason I just wanted to die.
so when spoke to my parents I just told them part of the reason and my father started preaching about my lame life again and just couldnt face it infront of him so the exit was: lie and run!
After he calmed down he started looking for new engines and really helped me out and I didnt have heart to whatch him spend time on me after I lied so this morning I told him the truth and apologized for lying.
I think he understood why I did it and wasnt upset, told me to calm down and not to cry that he will find the engine and will fix it. even asked me if i will have enough money and so.

when all this will be over?

I feel like i dont deserve a chance, respect or love!!!

All those people that love me.......................................they shuldnt. I am a curse!!

No matter how much Im trying to wash my guilt and be better person, there is that part of me, that is gone bad and stinks!
And no matter how I honestly talk about my lies full life, was too long that was a secret and I still feel like am hiding the ugly part of me.

I am so sad.



Im feeling so broken!!!
Im feeling like Im left in the icy water.
Im feeling like life has been testing me.
It waited for my fall break so I have more time to deal with things and more time to really understand what is its (life's) purpuse. I can clearly see what is it trying to achive.
each step I take I am being watched, each move I make I am watched closely.
Tko se pocutm k da me drka u glavo.

but isnt it ironic....i had speech in my mind what to say to my boyfriend how its time for him to run away from me as fast as possible because i am big fat ugly person, in tears tell him how awful Im feeling for lying to my father and my boyfriend just calmly listened and said: "you know babe, thats excatly what makes you such a great and big person. facing your mistakes. I am so proud of you!"
what do you mean???? am lying ass!!!

and same before when I coudnt live with myself anymore lying to my father (it is more about me not so much about him, but i dont wanna be a bad peoson full of shit anymore!!!) and so I had a scenario in my head how family will never talk to me again and how trough they are with me, quickly made did math I can survive with my salery so I dont need them.....and after i told my father I lied and apologized he was calm for the first time since i have known him and told me not to cry that he understands it was hard for me to admit he was right and there is no end of the world. i insisted it is the end of the world because I lied again and he kind of made joke saying something like "dear you were lying to me half of your life, today just ego was hurt!"

so twice in two days there was the world about to end, I was about to give up on rehab and run to the Mexico but at the end of the day, things fell into place and all is good, just like that.
zivlene pa pomoje klukce dela zravn a sm uspesno opravla nalogo al ne.

actually was three times in three days that wold almost collapsed in my head.........once it was because of boyfriends mother. I hurt her feelings with simply being myself..........................................and knowing she is feeling bad because of me ate me alive, for the whole day I was crying and crying and crying and called everyone I trust to come nanny me because I cant hold a puke in my stomach any longer but feel like vomiting. crazy. but at the end of the dramatic day and few emails with her, she calmed down and all is good again.

but all those situations seem just everyday shit to most of the normal people but for me personaly those are HUGE personal battels that push me to the edge and all i want is to give up on everything and disappear.
and has ben such a long time since I had the idea of giving up for the last time.

I need to take a deep breath!


Sunday, October 28, 2012

good vs evil

I wish I slimed down for another 5kg, I wish my face was prettier, I wish I ate healthier, I wish I drunk more water, I wish I looked more attractive, I wish i spoke more languages, I wish I earned more money, i wish I traveled more, I wish I went more often for a walk, I wish I finished my children's book, i wish I read more, I wish i cleaned my apartment, I wish I undrestood peopleI wish skinny people arent called normal, they are skinny for god sake, i wish people wouldnt be that blinded, i wish world would be run by love and not stupid pop culture, I wish people werent that dumb, i wish there was music in town, I wish potato wouldnt be that hard to be peeled, I wish gas was cheaper, i wish people on the road werent that jackass, i wish I had a horse, I wish i didnt need to pay pills, I wish my plant didnt have lice, i wish I did some yoga, i wish i didnt have fat arms, I wish my apartment wouldnt get dusty that quickly, i wish stor next door werent that expensive, i wish I start my work at nine sometimes, I wish I had new bedding, I wish I was calmer, I wish I wasnt that annoyed, i wish I wouldnt care that much for every single ass that doesnt deserve my attention, I wish I could fuck off some people with fuck off words without being called rough, I wish I didnt need to strugle with bulimia, i wish I trusted more, i wish a fly would disappear infron of my face now ......................................................
oh damn it.
I wish I wasnt that whinny!!!!!!!!!!
I trully just wish I relaxed more and enjoy what I have in my life at the moment!!!!

I am so blinded and paralized by all that "i wish...." fuck it.

I am not looking bad, since not using pills and vomiting my skin is nicer and my face looks prettier, I am not chubby, I have normal shape, I look attractive and I feel good, I voice my opinion and I am more confident, I have amazing boyfriend who loves me, who tells me he loves, he is moving over for the sake of our relationship. I have everything I need. I have great job and amazing kids, i have good friends that call me up for a coffee, I am very respected woman, I am interesting and unique, tho we all are. i am not giving up and I am strong, I have everything. I follow trough with daily responsibilites, I eat normal, I shower daily, I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I pay bills, I am reliable, I am honest, I tell the truth, I am not full of shit and excuses, I am presant and I am funny. I am dealing well with bulimia and once again, I have amazing relationship and i dont need to panic.
but it is in my current nature to panic and fear everything and make my own life miserable. I am not relaxed and I am not enjoying my recovery pogress, my relationship, my life, my friends......am an ass.

I wish I felt more. I wish I felt more joy.
but i dont.
domething is stopping me. I know what that is, it is my past. all my past fears, doubts, anger, pain is stopping me from enjoying myself and mylife now.
I know that and it is stuck in my body.
my doctor always says it is time for me to start doing the homework regulary, focus on my body, on the pain in the body and stay with the body and its pain. thats the only way to get out of bulimia, she says.
I am scared so I am not doing it at home at all. I am afraid of doing if coz I know how awful it feels. it wakes up all my fears of being fat and I literally feel giantic. i feel all that fat on my feet, legs, hips, belly, chests,  neck, face. all over my body and i freak out "I dont wanna be thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fattttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! I want it to go away!!!!!!!!!!!! i want all this fat to go away!¨
then Im rubbing my legs, trying to rub fat off and crying. I dont know how to stop  myself, i can only do it with my doctor. but  if that is what is stopping me from being relaxed and fine with my NOW, than I better start working on my body asap!!

has been a month since I ve felt this anxiety.
it came to me when I was told my boyfriend cheated on me. that lady who told me that popped the bubble I used to live in all by myself, alone and where everything was just about myself.
when i realized my boyfriend did not cheat on me but her husband did cheat on her I got very much involved in that stupid story, I offered her myself and for last several weeks she was chatting with me about her problem and it opened up sooooo much questions and emotions with me that i even get upset now why i cared in a first place!?!?!?
no wshe is back together with her hubby, busy playing wife roll again and I am left upset wondering What the fuuuuuuuck is wrong with people!??!?!?!?!??!?! why people are so stupid, so blinded!?!?!
yah, most of them are without even knowing, but still.
i am not in a mood of being a nice one, understanding everyone, hell no, i feel like yelling "dude, think! you ass!!!"

but im not here to judge, with all the shit I did in my life.

I just wish I was happier and more focused on what really matters and what really makes me happy.
re-start myself and my mind.
I wish I found way to go back to basics and not freak out all over the place.

I am living two lives at the moment, the present one and the past (bulimia) one. the bulimia one is looking for shit in anything good, doubting and fearing everything that I care of, refusing everything that might be love, not understanding why and how would someone care about me and do anything for me, but on the other hand it is present me, who has her price and deserves love and respect just like everybody else, who is excited about experiancing the real love for the first time.

and those two "me" keeps fighting whichone will rule the day.
and Im just: "screw you both, mama needs some rest!"

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I choose HEALTH!

Two weeks ago is wne I had my chew surgery and was told not to eat hard food.
Soft for me was yogurts, pudings, chocolate and cokolino.

and you know what, after two weeks of that really crapy food I can not wait to go back to my healthy diet. Just now, when my diet was unhealthy, I can see I actually eat very healthy now.
I am missing veges and prepered food, not just pre-prepered bags of food and unhealthy pudings.
I am feeling sick of it and having headaches every time i eat some chocolate.
I am really feeling sick just thinking of chocolate.

I want my healty diet back!!!
So today they took stiches out and have to be careful for one more week since the wound isnt healed yet but I couldnt wait for that moment as I want eat healthy again!!!
no chocolate, no sweets, no crappy food, but serious food.

i am afraid how will i go back to normal diet.
After two weeks of choclate and pudings will be heard to chew a stake and salad i think.
but really cannot tell how much i am waiting for tomorrow, starting eating properly, healthy!!

Not feeling goodat the moment.
I am normal size, face is very skinny, theres no fat belly and no fat lags, but my skin is unhealthy and im feeling unhealthy.
was never healthy food freak but now I am pretty sure sweets are NOT neccesery food!!
we do not need sweets!!!
(i dont need it).

makes me feel unhealthy.
i can feel the difference.
not taking healthy care of myself, not easy.
i havent been very good before that two-week-sick-leave but comparing to this crapy time, i was doing great job. did horesriding, spent time moving, spent time eating well.

I have never thought i will ever sound this way, but I know i felt much better before the surgery and i am willing to get that back!!

yogurt and carrots for snack, chicken and vegetables for lunch, cerial for dinner. healthy sandwiches and veges.
I sound odd:D

anyways.
AWAY WITH SUGAR!!!!!!!!
my head is about to explode.

Carrots over chocolate!!!
Salad bowl over pudings!!

I choose health!
I choose life!!

Last two weeks i took absolutely NO time to prepare food.
30 seconds the most!
ok no, one day i mademyself a spinach and potatos.

also my apartment is ugly, not cleaned up.

I dont follow. not keeping up.
need to come home from work tomorrow and just BE alive in my place, clean it and enjoy it.
have cup of tea and celebrate life.

I need some alone time. time for myself. time to treat myself. with food, bath, tea, book, candles....
time for ME and ME only!!

last five weeks i ve been pretty wigely wagely so hopefully will be back on a track this fall break.


Sunday, October 21, 2012

clouds are my pillow and sun is my crown!

I finally reached the point of my life when I say to myself: "I have wisdom and strength!!"

it is not a feeling or a thought in my head, it is just something i know.
I feel strong and I know I am capable winning anything that life brings. bulimia is deffinitely the biggest battle ever so anything from this point on I can handle.

I see now I have been trough so much in my life, I have experianced so much so far that most people never will and i have strength. I have my reason to stay alive.

It is just a moment when I know i above all the rules and know things others dont.

I have walked the hard path to make it here and I know it.

I think I am rebirthing! it feels amazing. doing things like little kids, drawing lots, singing, dancing...trying to protect and enjoy my little space. I can. I can choose what to let in and what not.
I have a power of saying: "I am not going to think of this because it will make me feel bad!"
I have a power of choosing what to think and what to do.
I am incharge of my own rehab, I am incharge of my life.

I dont need to know all the answers. I am not here to understand everything. I have my particualr mission and to the misson I follow. I dont need to make everyone feel good, it is not my thing to understand everyone and knw everything.

I am here to recover from bulimia and live my life fully with a knowledge that bulimia gave me.
I am here to live my own life and do my own things. Not to be selfish, but to live my own way and be kind.
I am here to speak up about dark side of life, dark side of bulimia, dark side of eating disorder, some people might listen, some people might hear me, some people might ignore me. but that is not my problem, they dont need to follow me, they dont need to listen. it is their business what they do with their lives and they have a right and a power to choose what to hear and what to believe.

I dont get hurt anymore if people say: "oh bulimia you mean when you eat lunch and then puke afterwards?" and they are not willing to change their oppinion about bulimia....so they continue living life believing bulimia is for weak people who want to please to anyone and that is just our fault.
I am here to teach myself at the first place and then those who are willing to listen. period.

I am not wasting any more of my energy for the people who are hurting me, for the people who dont listen to me, for those who are not gentle with me and for those who believe i am weak.
I know the truth and with the truth i life.

you have your own truth, you might want to share it, you might want to keep it. it is your decition what you do, just be aware of your power.

I am almost saying: "dont you ever dare to tell me i dont know how it feels to be down and not knowing if you will make it trough next five minutes or not. i know what the pain is." it is not being proud of the shit i have been trough but i am proud of the shit i have learned out of that shit. and i know i am not stupid and i know i know lots.

it might be just a moment of feeling thisway, I dont know, tomorrow I might feel weak again, but it is first time in my life thinking this way and it feels good.

last therapy i had difficut times, i cried and had big break down because of feeling fat. i did work with my doctor so she led me trough, but i felt like dying with that fatty body and I was freaking out things will never change, things will never go better, bulimia will stay with me forever.
one of the most painful moments, when you realize it is YOU who is failing anf you who doesnt have enough strength, but look today, after three days I am feeling way different.
so there is hope i will win.
i am winning now.

I am waking up and seeing and feeling things, understanding things. I hit the ground once a day, often i go to bed feeling ugly, without a shower, stinky, just because i dont feel like taking care of myself, i dont feed myself in a proper way, eating junk food and i dont clean my place, jsut because i dont feel like i am worth of living in a nice place, but there are moments when i shower myself, let myself have a nap, make myself a health meals and clean my place, make myself a cup of tee, turn on my fave music and enjoy myself the way i am and enjoy my life the way it is. and there is more and more such moments which make my life much nicer, but cold, dirty, ugly, stinky wave of life splashes me at any times, without any warning.
I so far I have always survived.

My ache, my pain and my harm I have been through and will come visit in the future too make me sit and think: "I have been trough tough times, clouds were over my happiness, but those same louds are my pillow now and the sun is my crown."



Tuesday, October 16, 2012

because of my beloving boyfriend

have i ever told you why I chose rehab?
it was because of my boyfriend.


I have bulimia since i was 13, vomiting, binging, dieting, hating myself.
more i think now, i have never been relaxed child and felt bad about everything i did from early childhood.
by the age 13 i was already super depressed and by the age 15 I tried to commit suicide twice.
both times mom found me and took me to the hospital. I got psyciatrist straight away and so between age15 and18 i had regular therapies. my main goal still was to end up my life and binging-purging, depressiona and hatting myself didnt stop.
my social life sucked, i didnt talk to anyone, tho i was always the most popular kid in school. everyone wanted to hang out with me but i was always very picky with people.
I was huge nirvana and kirt cobain fan but i had a lot of metal fans, skate and snowboard fans, even techno fans. never really experienced how it feels when you are not accepted by others.
but i never cared about partying and guys.
i was busy struggling with myself and with my family. my family believed my alternative way of living was chosen by the reason to tourture my parents and it was because i didnt respect them. they always put blame on me i am the reasno they fight and i cause so much harm with my etno life.
i remember mom asking god for ages what did she do wrong to be so punished with such daugter and and my father always told me my personality is so shitty i will never succeed in life. i remember them telling me this since 12 or 13.
somehow i survived my therapies and when 18 my doctor set me free. i was fine for a year, still stuck with bulimia tho, but at least i got interested in social life a bit more and so i started partying. again, i never had any problem with people and got heaps of attention everywhere i came. i was pretty party animal so i added partying to my bulimia and selfhate. it was for the first time i learned compliments aint good thing for me, because everytime i got a compiment, i was sure they are just screwing up with me I am shit anyway. so i partied a lot, i met lots of people and i struggled a lot more. soon, depression joined my bulimia, selfhate and partying. not fun. the combination made me totally numb and by the age 19 i cancled everyone and everything on puurpuse and went back to my quite world where no-one can hear me crying and no-one can see my pain. that was one of the hardest times of my life as i didnt care about anything but things at home got worse than ever before. as i was often outside against my parents will they were both sure i am doing drugs and having sex with anyone. they were sure about drugs since i was 15, but apart from smoking weed and drinking alkohol i never tried anything and i had my first sex when i was 18 and i think i can count on one hand with how many guys i slept with. but my mom constantly called me a whore and my dad called me a junkey. thats how i grew up. and i will never succeed.
i wasnt sure if i will survive my depression at 19 but then by some stupid reason i hooked up with my good friend and we ended up dating. he was big serious stoner and i was busy convincing him to stop smoking so it was a first time after a year that i cared about. soon we moved in together and that was a time when i had my first break from bulimia. but soon after i stopped vomiting, i was diagnosed for a cancer on my cervix. it last three year and in the mean time i broke up with my boyfriend. i was on a top of the world, single, fighting for my life, feeling, not vomiting, not hating myself and not dieting. for a first time in my life.
in the time when my bulimia wasnt active, i lost about 20kg.
i was single for about six months and almost recovered from cancer when i met a guy i fell inlove with in a bout a second.
he totally blew my mind away and he was so different from what i was used to it. he seemed perfect.
we ended up sleeping together, then few more times and soon he left back to new zealand, letting me know we can only be friends. but i didnt know him as a friend.
soon after he left, i had my finaly radio therapies and as soon as they pronouced me cancer free, bulimia came back. i think in a same week.
i had special diet for cancer and i gained about 10 kg. i was huge. i was even more constipated from already being constipated for about 6 years.
i got some pump to clean my vagina everyday and soon i realized i can use it also to clean my rectum. it worked.
it was pretty same affect as vomiting. i used it everyday. then i googled it more about it and realized all i am empting is my rectum and not the whole digest system. so went to the pharmacy and got myself laxative pills. took one, worked better than any vomiting before. ate lots took abother one, shit-ed, vomited and ate again. took two, ate even more, pooped much more, vomited more and felt empty. after a several weeks eating laxative pills and binging was all i did. pretty fast i came from one pill to 8 pills a day and 8 vomits a day. selfhate grew and depression grew. i got super addicted to those pills and couldnt live without them. if i didnt have an extra box at home, i got nervouse. but wont write about those details since my whole blog is about this addiction.................but soon i was so busy shitting and vomiting i didnt have time to leave the house. hated everyone, myself and bulimia and i ended up stuck at home for a year. i left only when needed to go get pills or food. sometimes stole money from my mom to get more food and did some translating and tutoring.
my only regular friend was my current boyfriend. we kept intouch and he was very nice to me. he did play tricks with me tho now he says he didnt but he did. i was in such shit i couldnt take any more stress and was still inlove with him but he didnt want me that i decided to head down to africa. time in africa my bulimia wasnt there but when i came home, my life went from bad to worse. bulimia took contol over every second of my day, kept me awak all nights vomiting, crying, shitting, hating myself. day after day, night afer nigh.
it got so bad i ended up at clinic for few times because i over dosed. it last for another year and a half.
in a mean while i time to time spoke to him and at one point i told him i cant play it anymore, so i want him to decide is he in or is he out. after few months he decided he is in and we started dating.
i thought it cant get worse with my condition but it did go worse.
with my new relationship i got extra at least 4 vomits a day. my body was so exhausted I was more and more sure i will not make trough another day. my body was slowly shutting down.
after six months of relationship we kind of knew we need to break up, it aint good for us. but deep down i knew there is different me, me, that he met and me that he liked when he met me. i remembered he met me when i was not fighting with bulimia and i was super duper the happiest hippie on the planet.
i was determent to find that happy me before we give up.
i started working on myself, went from one doc to another from one yogi to another and all told me pretty much the same: i am 100% depressed and i have 100% developed eating disorders and that my body is shutting down so i dont have much more left. i didnt believe them but when i ran out of all options, i accepted the fact i need help.
I wanted to give my relatioship a chance.
so i went on a rehab.
my boyfriend didnt break up with me after i told him and ever since he is the greatest support and my reason to get recover.

he is also a reason i keep writing this blog as i believe one day i will be able to put all those posts together and put them in a nice book, i need only one book, to dedicate it to him. to say thank you for Life!
he is a reason i look forward everyday and that i try to be better person.

 he is a reason i broke way too long going on bulimia chain and my family disaster.

this is just a (very) long story (very) short but i am so grateful for him I cant keep it inside myself anymore.
that man took me with huge baggage --- bulimia! you know how huge deal bulimia is. he took me, offered me help and never gave up on me. he always had faith in me. he is always there for me and he helped me to get over my bulimia (almost yet) .
he is the man who changed me and made a good person out of me and me being a good person means much more love on the world.
when i try and tell him how amazing he is, he doesnt give hisself any credits, he always says "babe, it is you who makes a decidion at the end!" yah, true, but he is the reason i came so far. he is my decidion.
and i love him more than anything. thank you, gorgeous!!!



Monday, October 15, 2012

all you can eat

I would totally win the competion if any this weekend in who can eat more.
I dont stop eating.
Im feeling sick from all the sweets but i dont stop.
mornings are fine, then dont know what to eat fro lunch and just grab a chocolate, which leads to another bar and another and to chololate puding and to chocolate baby food and to yogurt aaaaa!!
my regular got mad too, after every meal I end up pooping lol soft food working aye.
but it aint funny i havent been eating senseless since last january, so ten months, and now im so bord and so not creative with food i keep binging.
sometimes i feel bad then i tell myself im off to work tomorrow so will go back to my routine, but what had happened this weekend??
did it really effect me so much that I am not allowed to eat most of the food? is it really so dangerous to tell bulimic to stay on a soft food diet for two weeks? thats what i think it happened. they got me unprepeared. i dont know what to eat. aar. sometimes i just make fun of myself and actually laugh out loud, asking myself: "are you ready for another puding, you can choose; vanilla or chocolate!?" but then i get upset and sad, i didnt want to eat that much ever. Still, it cannot be comapred to how i used to binge but non of this food I dont need. beside that, i am just lying in my bed, doing nothing, not even spending any energy so soup or spinach should be enough, but guess what- it freaking isnt!!! I feel hungry alllll the time. bowl of soup isnt a lunch and one chocolate bar isnt any breakfast. buggers. im hungry. and i am not PMSing and there is no full moon but simply I cant get enough of this soft food. I keep telling myself: if baby eats a bowl of baby food he gets full for long time, you get full for 20 minutes.
I think it is because they told me to whatch what to eat and so i am protesting now. but its my loss.
this mornig when i got up my body was nice and belly was flat, so no demage from yesterday's chocolate-ouding-babyfood-binging, so i thought i will keep my nice body today ... hell yah, after two hours I started my all you can eat sunday.
dont know whether to laugh or cry.
my stomach hurts at the moment and i am so upset I ate anything.
but the good news is I will probably get totally sick of those pudings and chocolates so i will stay away for longer time.
another thing that upsets me is i am not taking good care of my wound.i am afraid my stiches will rip...but hoooooow, im only eating soft food. fuck soft food.
I havent even strech from the morning, im stuck in my bad, everything hurts me from lying. fuck. i mean it. and im suppose to be lying for two weeks. nah nah nah, off to work tomorrow!!
i cant understand how i survived those hard depressions when didnt leave a house for months and months and had only been purging, binging and lying. i dont remember feeling any pain in my butt from lying, but now i do after three days.
im so yucky now. my poor body, what have I dont to you.
I am so so so sorry.
having headache, need some fresh air. 
I 'v got running stomach from all those sweets, just spent half an hour at the toilet. today looks pretty much like old bulimic days: eat-shit, eat-shit. eat some more-shit some more..... just now i didnt use any purge pills and really didnt know i will ever react so shitty literally to chocolate diet, was sure i will get cinstipated.


im really feeling strange. in a way am rested and all good, but there something missing. its missing feeling good about myself. but these days i havent reach a point when saw myself in the mirror and felt pretty pleasant, nah, was my own bugger. but did what i got to do. so i know from now on life will be easier but just now im so bored.
I am missing my boyfriend so much all I want to do now is call him and tell him I love him.
im not seeing him for xmas since hes coming over in february for six months and we decided i go to africa. not that africa isnt a good deal, hell nooo, africa is the best thing ever, but i am not sure how will i get trough without seeing my man.
it was our together decidion and i know it makes sense as we need money to live here and hes coming soon after ny, and africas cheap comparing to nz, but still, my heart is beating fast thinking of not coming to new zealand.
I want my man woth me, just wanna touch hisface and hold his hand, let him hold me tight.
Im so inlove with him. he is such a wise person, so calm and so focused. he is such an inspiration and so much trying to do thing right.
and the way he smiles and treats me and treats his friends, family and other people is just aaaaaaaaaaaaaah la  la la inlove!!!!!!
when close my eyes i see his face and i smile.
im the lucky one.
he got my heart.
he won bulimia.
he is my angle. 

I always look for a perfect song for him, for perfect quote, for perfect dress, perfect gift, perfect letter because i am sure he deserves no less than perfect. for a long time i struggled so so much believing im not good enough for him because I am not perfect but he changed it. he has actually made me feel i am good enough for him. Im far from perfect but so perfect. my love is honest. I ma donig my best and often go beyond and above my ego in the name of our love. it is so much worth it. it keeps me going. he gives me reason every day to kick my ass and move along. evry single day. and also when having all you can eat weekend he just smiles along ang tells me how beautiful i am.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Failure or treat

Im sutuck at home, indoor, keeping lazy and eating soft food.
as proper bulimic i have taken the doctor's advice about eating soft food very seriou, but other parts of his advice obviously not.
he told me to take care of my wound and to breath slowly, but it seems like i have been breathing too fast and so my blood bubble on my wound broke and now I again have a whole in my head and so it is getting infected. I think I am kind of in trouble but I still hear his voice saying: "eat soft and cold food for three weeks!"
meaning: "dont eat food you eat normaly!"
he didnt tell me I can breath between meals and so I am literally eating mostly non stop.
I brought several yogurts, spinach, pudings, chocolate and bananas.
all this seem to be a soft food, yes. especially chocolate.
so today I started my meal at 1pm and finished it at 5pm.
finished 150g chocolate, one vanilla puding, bowl of soup and bowl of spinach.
I can tell honestly I didnt need that much chocolate. It makes me sick even, because chocolate has been my lunch yesterday and a day before, both days 100g one.
but i enjoyed first piece of it, it melted so nicly in my mouth--soft food, aye!
soon, i had enough but i kept eating and the voice in my head was still saying: "eat soft food!"
so i told myself it is time for me to treat myself special so it doesnt matter if i eat that much chocolate and other sweet junk food. i seemed to be fine with my decidion and i continued enjoying it, but soon there was another voice in my head: "you bitch, your body will learn to get that much sugar everyday and you will need to eat chocolate also when you are going to be fine. who do you think you are, i am not dealing with your struggles. and your crying you are fat later. you better stop!"
I felt very sad, the voice is right.
i should stop. since wednesday i dont have regular meals, i, surviving on chocolate, yogurts and pudings.
it is not that i am eating enormous amounts of food but non of it is my safe food. oh, i even eat baby food, which used to be my binge food. at first it made me feel sick but later just makes me feel bad and guilty.
I had a control over my junk meals and thought i deserve a little bit of sweet treating but at the end of the day, I feel super guilty.
I want nice brown and shinny skin, not white fatty one and i am not getting the nice one if eating chocolates and baby foods.
i may be that my body just got reminded of the time when all this food was used for binging. I feel very unsafe.
today, while eating my 7th piece of chocolate and I felt like I cant take one more, i had a flash back: I used to didnt care when my body asked me to stop, i had that lethal piece and got so sick i went vomit. I really got scared so i put the res of the chocolate down and didnt continue. I fell asleep and ever since I havent ate.
with all that sweet food I will not get to recover well, it is not healthy.
my first thought when doctor advided me to eat soft food only was: "yaay i will lose weight!!!!" so sick aye.
that shouldnt be even a thought. but obviuosly i decided to fatten myself during my recovery and not slim down.
non of it should be an option, i should keep five meals a day and keep chocolate as a meal if needed.
I feel like Im letting myself down.
my body down.
i caused so much harm to my body and it is going trough this recovery now only because of me tourteting it with bulimia, but i still dont stop.
I told myself it is only a day, and at first i was fine with it but now when my body is filled up with sweets I feel like i ruined everything and that i have been eating sweets for months, not only for two days, one day especially.
i think I could do it much better.
i have had these days off and I am sure I could do it better.
well, honestly, i dont know what I mean because I my main goal from wednesday on was to take unlimited rest, catch up with my sleep and rest my body and my mind.
i did that.
i slept loads, felt good sleeping that mcuh, have been listening to my reggae all the time, got reinspired, got intouch with myself, did good art that even i was proud of and relearned I am an artist and all was good. I did exactly what I was planning to do.
but now, after my little binging day I feel like failur.
I actually dont know whether I have been treating myself special or I ended up being huge failure?
what is right?
what is bulimia in this story?
how to recognize bulimia? it is there, i know it is because I am getting mixed messages, so one of the mesagges isnt real. which one?

i keep feeling bad for my body, the skin is dry and my hair is dirty, i should take propercare of it and treat my body as well.
maybe thats a catch.
I took care of my mind, rested it well, spoiled it with good music and protected it from any thinking when doing art but lets be honest, apart from one long bath the orther day I didnt take good care of my body.
maybe everything is good and bulimia is only trying to tell me i should treat my body special too otherwise she will come and ruin everything.
maybe she is giving me a chance? haha i couldnt believe that would be an option but why else would she make me feel like faliure if actually took care of my mind?
ok thats a silly question, why else???? what do you think? because she is bulimia and she is here to make you feel bad, awful, ugly, useless etc no matter how good your deeds are.
but I have been in a good relationship with my bulimia....she has been back those days but she wasnt that aggressive so I have believed she 's being nice to me lol
I will try take care of my body and see what happens next. if that voice will still be present, i will kick bulimia's ass.

"take care of your body, that is the only place you have to live in!"

Saturday, October 13, 2012

growing with bulimia

i finally got to sleep in but still havent woke up in a super good mood. i actually started crying pretty soon after I realized I am awake and after I felt my body. im in "i hate myself" mode.
I really need to take time, sleep trough and talk to my bulimia.
she wants something from me. maybe she wants me to give up, not sure, but i better listen up before she totally freaks out.
I am caugh in such weird feeling, where there's houndreds of thoughts on my mind but in a same time my head is emprty. im very easy to be upset, im in a bad mood, am grumpy and i see bad in everything and everyone. im so annoyed by people, im most of the time just "shut the fuuuuuck up!!!!!" i just wanna run away from everyone and hide in dark, quite room.
i have pretty good oportunity to do it these days when im on a sick leave.
i just wanna go back on a trac, calm myself down and get rid of that nasty "im ugly, fat, boring, lazy....................etc" thought.
i see sun now, im doing pretty well and so i think i forgot im still on a rehab, still struggling, and so now have been struggling for 3 weeks again and  I am just like "what the fuck is going on!?" not to think it is just bulimia fighting against my recovering. she doesnt like of course so thats her final call. but i needed my boyfriend to remind me it is bulimia. other people dont understand.
they just believe you can be fine or not fine. now im fine some time and not fine some time. sometime i get to enjoy the beautiful fall, but in a very next moment i am feeling depressed.
i txted my friend yesterday saying how i love fall, fresh air, colors, more honest relationships, rain, forg, sone, cocco, scarfs, cardigens, reggae.... and she said: "i wish i felt the same im so down low thesedays!" when i read her msg i was just  like: "oh am pretty down myself aswell but thats ok, when im feeling good, i love it!" i didnt say anything but thats how i felt. it is not just black or white. anyways.

next day:
wii hot my so needed 12 hour sleep huray.
and am just about to have another nap. that the life i need now.
im feeling much better tho because of my tooth i eat lots of chocolate and bananas and i spend lots of energy convincing myself its all good, i wont gain weight, but for two weeks i am only allowed to eat soft food. chocolate is soft, aye:)
I am so catching up with myself, listening to the reggea all day long, feeling the music, thinking of my africa, re-realizing africa is where my heart is coming from, where my heart belongs to. it is only place that trully makes me happy. i decited it is time for me to stop refusing it.
at one point, i needed to set up my priorities and I chose my relationship, but now when my relationship is going smoothly and i am pretty well, it is time for my beloved africa.
cant wait to see my kiddous and my friends. i miss them everyday more, so im about to head to africa for xmas. im not meeting my boyfriend this time, as he will be moving over for six months in february.
cant believe i will finally have him by myself without feeling the pressure of him leaving in few weeks time. my life is falling into places. very happy.
i am who i am and who i am i am good.
i am gypsy artist who loves reggae, africa, music, travels, writing, painting, dancing and teaching. i like my alternative, etno way of living life, I am sure now it is the right way for me and no mother and no father can take it away from me. friends that matter to me appreciate me the way i am, my boyfriend love the artist in me, so nothing else matters.
i am so happy i never gave up on my etno life style and always faught for it, and now, here i am, believeing i am living good. I aint bad.

i made birthday gift for my boyfriend, i am pretty happy with what came out. not bad at all and so I am happy. next week is my bday too, i love my bday!! i start counting down on october 1st but thistime i got busy with organizing my boyfriends present so bad i forgot about mine a little bit.
last year my bday meant nothing to me, i was stuck alone in the house, vomiting and hating myself. one bday before I was in africa so i was pretty the happiest, but this year it seems like i will have a good day and wont vomit. huray!!

i so badly needed these days off, so badly.
is not that i am super great, but at least i can devide happy from sad. when i am sad i am sad, when i am happy i am honestly happy.

i have been thinking a lot about bulimia last three weeks as i struggled a lot and i almost forgot how it feels when it takes control over you. thought of the time when i cheated on my boyfriend with bulimia, cheated the world with lies, cheated myself. thought of the time when i was stuck inside, too ashamed to go out because i believed am huge and ugly. how did i survive it, when i almost survive now, when i am stronger and know what is happening? bulimia is a huge huge addiction, huge illnes!
i never thought i will come that far, that was a fantasy for me. i never believed i will be able to stop vomiting and start eating normaly. when i got a program how to eat at  the clinic, i laughed out loud when read I need to eat carbos along with proteins and vitamins, i need to have five meals a day and not skip any even if i ate lots a meal before.
but it all came somehow. by an accident, when durnig my stay in new zealand I learned there are cookies still left if i dont finish them. i learned it is me who can contorl in. it was odd, i actually never made a decition to start eating regulary, but it jsut came after 5 months of rehab.
but now i am doing mybest to stay away from the truobles. it aint easy but somehow i manage to do it.
i have been thinking of everything i have ever tried just for a sake to stay well, to stay away from the toilet. sonce april this year i actually stopped shopping, i dont keep any food at home. i buy just what i need for a lunch or dinner. i only keep some bread, butter, jam, cerial, coffee, tea, milk, jogurts and sometimes i freez chicken. thats it. it keeps me safe. i eat everything tho. if i feel like chocolate, i go buy it, same with any other treats, but never buy them just for a case i will feel like treats.
i try to stay away from my family because i know i get the worse there. i still lie to them and steal food. i dont wanna do that. but over there i do, so last few weeks i stand up for myself and dont go over there, i dont hang out with people who make me feel bad in any way. but i still hit the ground often.

how to take care of yourself without feeling guilty is a big question.
i now feel sorry for my bulimia, i dont let her destroy me tho she trys so so hard.
i have been living with her for 13 year and now we are breaking up, i am sure she will miss me more than i will miss her. i picture bulimia in my head as a green monster with big eyes and fluffy arms and short legs. she used to be so giant but not she is getting shorter, every day. and those big eyes are begging me to keep ger alive. you know it is like killing a fly......your life will be mush much better without that annyoing fly buzzing around you and you ll get some sleep, but still,y ou just killed a fly. or a bee, or musquito or any little thing.
at least i cant kill those animals without feeling bad. i actually usually dont kill them but send them outside, but when i do, i feel shitty abit about it. and now i feel the same with killing bulimia.
bulimia tho has always been there for me, whenever people diappointed me, she was there, waiting for me. never left me alone. she became part of me, all of my decitions were made due to my bulimia. my whole life im living now is because of bulimia. without bulimia, i'd be different person, i wouldnt know as much as i know now, i wouldnt be that creative as i am now....im not saying i wouldnt be who i am at all, but i'd be different because there were so many many chances to take and i missed them because i was too ugly to go out, to attend the meeting, to go party, to meet new people, to go overseas....so many. and all of those lost chances would bring different experiance. and now im pretty happy with mylife.
with who i am and what i have.
when theres no bulimia around, i appreciate my relationship, friendship, job, expreiances so so much I would never change a thing. but when bulimia comes, i wanna change every single thing about myself. starting with a face.

is it strange i kind of feel grateful to grew with bulimia?
bulimia recovery showed me who i really am, have woken me up almost fully and made me much better person. i understand people more now, nature more, life more. i keep faith and hope and cant wait to be trully trough, but so far i know there are uniqe benefits came out of my bulimia battle.
I would never knew things i know now, could ntver treat my boyfriend the way i treat him now, and not even friends, i know that, i am so much more patience now and patience is the key to healthy relation-friendship and to the healthy self relationship. giving time and understanding someone else's emotions is the biggest treasure that not everyone can find it and so i am glad i am the one who did find it even tho it took me so so soooooo long but i am sure i will win the bulimia for good and there will only be an experiance.

makes me think: dont hate your eating disorders. try use it for your benefits. i am sure we have ED because we are inteligent and becase we feel world around us so much more than other people, which gives us some beauty and coming out of such struggle, im sure we cant be anything but beautiful peolple.






Thursday, October 11, 2012

think of your teeth before you vomit next time.

survived the surgery but with my luck it wasnt an easy one and now its a hard and boring recovery ahead of me.
I will tell you a story about my teeth since I could still have it today if I didnt have bulimia.
my teeth were always very health, i was never afraid of dentist and always let him to do his job. i took pain and that noisy dentist sound never scared me away. i was even so obssesed i would brush my teeth after every meal, even so small.
all these years with bulimia, my teeth were pretty well, but when the last episode of bulimia came back, that was three years ago, my teeth started breaking, literally breaking. poof: and the crown was in two or three pieces. everytime I went to the dentist complaining about my odd teeth his first question was: are you having ED?
so obvious, aye?
but i never really cared.
tho when he told me for a first time three of my teeth should be pulled out, I kind of woke up!
NO! Im keeping them!
"you cant! the roots are dead!"
cry cry cry!!!
i remember beginng my dentist to save my teeth. I was willing to stop vomiting just to keep my teeth.
he decited to treat two of them, but one needs to be pulled out.
this one has a special story. before my last visit in new zealand i had dentist appointment and that one looked the healthiest out of three sick teeth. but on my way to new zealand during my dinner, suddenly feeling in my mouth changed. what the fuck? i pulled my tooth out (crown). i felt like I have not even one tooth left, so emberasing! soooo emberaasing. i didnt tell my boyfriend. but feeling was ugly and awful.
i spent first two weeks of my new zealand time visiting doctors, dentists were my fave ones. pains were to big to handle. i remember crying like a baby, tho i can take lots of the pain. when i got my appointment, also kiwi dentist didnt need long time to realize im bulimic.
when made it back home i set up the day for surgery, which was today.
pretty much routine one, and I had 10 months time to get used to live without one tooth, also i made peace with myself i will have a fake tooth.
i know that is the price of my long life bulimia and i know i am pretty lucky many many girls lose whole bunch of teeth because of bulimia.
but.
the unlucky tooth is the tooth 6 up left, procedure was comlicated and now my problem is that the canal between my chew and sinus is wide open and so I need to avoid any hard work in next three weeks, no sports, no fast breathing, no drinking with a straw, no sneezing, no warm food.
i need to keep stiches in for three weeks, got droppes for my nose and got antibiotics.
i am starving today and this bloody wound hurts like hell.
I count help myself not to think about all this is because of my bulimia.
ache, pain, no tooth....aaah yucky!
think of your teeth before you vomit next time!

thats one of my regrets. no nice teeth I always had any more.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

rest!

I am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d!!!!
Only four-day sleep can save me now!
My body is shaking, so tired it is. I cant take one more step. I cant get enough sleep and my mind is overloaded, I dont know which day is it, I counted October 7th twice, literally faught with anyone who claimed Monday was the 8th and not the 7th.
When I wake up in the morning I am a zomby, I make myself a coffee literally asleep. I am lost in space.
I lost a grip and I think I am working and doing too much, not taking any rest, not spending any quality time with myself. I dont take care of myself or I struggle so much to do basic things with my body.
I dont take proper showers, I just quickly wash myself. My hair were dirty for so long time before I finally had time to wash my hair and dry them up.
not to whine, I know I am not the only one busy on the world, but I am full time busy and full time on a rehab. Since I have been told my boyfriend cheated on me which caused huge emotional schock, I seem to run away from my emotions now. if I can get busy, I will set up new thing on my agenda just to keep busy and so I dont have time to dig through my emotions.
Tomorrow Im having dental surgery - price of 12 year bulimia - and so I wont go to work for at least two days. It is not that I dont like my wokk, but I am so so excited about those two days off, to stay at home, do nothing and just be!
today at work one teacer asked me if I get any time off during the day, I said no. she was like NO NO No!!!! "you MUST have an hour off!!! dont use your body up!" she said.
I always say I cant keep my kids alone as they can struggle much and get naughty. but I think she is right. I am dedicating myself to them, I am 100% at all times and not only for my kids, for the whole school.
I have a reprutation of the best and the nicest teacher tho, I won harts of practicly all the kids, but I am still tired.
not during the day tho, I feel powerful and also when I come home, I actually feel very good and I have lots of energy from my kids, but honestly, there is no time for my rehab if I am too tired and not organized with my time. And not being 100% dedicated to myself, I cant win my bulimia. and there is also my social life, my relationship and my friends.
Oh well, I have been doing pretty well before I went offroad three weeks ago and I better go back, before is too late.

when I lay down to my bed, i feel my body aching and screaming: "stoooooooop!!! let me reeeeest. give me some healthy meals, give me some sleep, just shut up and give me a break!!!"
my back hurts, my legs hurts, my shoulders hurts, my head hurts, my everythiiiiiiiiiing hurts so bad!!!

I need to stop and go back to breathing only.
I need to go back to taking care of myself, my body and my mind.
I need to.
I am excited about that times, but first I need good quality sleep!

Reeeeeeeeeeeest!!!!!!
leave me alone. let me be in quitness and darkness, I need a rest!

but I seem to cross the line already.
I feel like I have to do something at all times, otherwise that voice in my head calls me LAZY!!
until last day it called me FAT, but then I put my throusers on and they were too big, so for that cheap reason I got happy and didnt feel fat any more, but since then, I have been called lazy.
Voice wants me to keep on going.
do this and this and this and go there and there and do that and that and stay awake and shower and clean up and go horse riding and meet your friend and get ready for tomorrow and go to the therapy and do some crafts and go shopping and aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! fucker!!!
leave me alone!
I am not lazy, I am not lazy, I am not lazy!!!

I will totally go sleep at 8 today.
(to my face, I will not be able to miss my boyfriend!)

but my new tip for you: before you freak out, get rest!

Friday, October 5, 2012

consistency is the key

After terrible yesterday and a day before and a day before and a day before, I seem to be back on a track.
went to bed early, it happened for the first time in my relationship life time I chose to go to sleep before seeing my boyfriend. for the sake of both of us. the decition was hard but much needed. I got up for the first time this week not tired and annoyed. day at school was also very nice, I enjoyed my kids so much again. Yesterday, when I didnt enjoy them it was very lost day. they have so much to give. so proud of them!!!
Today one mother talked to me:
 "how old are you? 16? yoiuo really are able to come to childrens level. it is amazing. you are born to work with kids!"
"lol 26 actually!"
"oh my, really?? do you have your own kids?"
"no, not yet. but I have those bugs here!"
"I have never seen such thing before, all this pure love for kids coming out of you. where do you get all this energy?"
"from them!"
"you are an angel!"

then another father passed me, called my name and said. "you are incredible!"

It did feel good! I am so glad people can see my love for kids. I dedicate myself to them. They are my biggest teachers. They remind me of my good deeds as they remind me of my mistakes. they make me better person!
Their little big world is such a restful place. They make me smile, laugh and they make me so proud!!
ah, I could talk about my kiddos on and on!!!
So many funny stories and to see them grow healthy with my help is just such a blessing! I know from my experiance how easily you can screw up a child  so being aware of the power I have is a gift I got from God.
Discovering their emotions and placing them in a right place is just such a wonderful mission!
Their love, and yah, they all love me, is what keeps me going.
I owe them so much!!! Their touch is the softest thing you can feel on your skin and their voices (if only they dont whine, which is not that rare lol) is really nice melody. That might sound too poetic but am telling you the true story.
When you get a child who doesnt speak at all and you are the only person that makes him open up, wow, such a blessing. to hear this child' voice for the first time....undecribable.
When you see a child cry for the first time when he is 6, and you know it is because of you working on his emotions for so long, you cry alonng with him! when a child eats in the classroom for the first time, you just go kiss him. or when a child uses the bathroom for the forst time in 3 years of schooling, you just call his mom and celebrate his fist pee and poo! and deep down you know it is because of you, tho you never actually feel any pride and you never give any credits to yourself.

Yah yesterday I decided to give myself some time, not to panic, and today I am so happy I made that decition. my body calmed down and so did my mind.
(my tip for you: never ever panic!!!) 

Things have settled down today, sooner than I thought they will. it is always like this. but if we panic pefore and binge and purge and lose our mind, we dont get to see life doesnt hate us.

So again, dont panic!! give yourself some time!!

Out there, behind that dark wall you put up, there is life.
you might not believe me and I know how it feels when you dont believe things will ever get better, things will ever change, but there is life out there, diferent from depression and suffering. there is your strenght waiting for you! true story!
life gets messy sometimes and you fear a lot and fear makes you weak and blind you....thats something you cant avoid, but if you are consitant, you get stronger. consistancy is the key!!

Be consistant.
minute by minute!! little step by little step. but at one point u look back and u see u actually moved forward.

slow progress is the only real progress. you can always change now, you can changewho you are...you just buy new clothes, change a music in your car, change your language, but at the end of the day, you are still the same shitty person you were in the morning.
I was so afraid I will come out of my bulimia very bitchy and totally different, that I will not recognize myself and I will like different things. but nowdays I am realizing my life changed a lot in away, but I am still the good old me that I remember I was when I enjoyed myself. I still terribly love reggae music, i still love colors, dress up crazy, still love to travel, still keep my alternative way of living....my real me didnt change at all. I am not bitchy I am even nicer, I am not selfish and I am not lazy. and I am so happy now that my progress is so slow. I think I told you once I was sure my rehab will look something like:
 "hey doctor, I have bulimia!"
"ok here are antidepressant pils and I am your psychiatrist! do this and this and this and come back next week. /..../ not do this and this and this, and come back next week/..../ now do this and this and continue it for next four weeks and come meet me again!/..../ ok well done, you are now bulimia free!"
yah my ass, not go! and after 14 months of rehab I still struggle with believing Im fat and ugly, I still dislike myself and I still wanna lose weight, but after 14 months of my rehab, I every week realize I have so much to work on still and I am looking forward to next progress, whenever it happens.
take it easy, it is just life.

I knkow it sounds too easy and we all know it is everything but easy, but trust me, at one point it gets much easier, or like the quote goes (thank you *tina*) "It is not that it gets easier, but you get stronger!"
but thats a holy truth.

and never forget: "when you feel lost, make sure you go back to basics!!"
thats the thought that saved my ass so many times lately!!
steal it and use it!!!!

find your basics! for me my basics are: sleep, regular meals, quitness.
slow down. take your time and enjoy yourself!!

I am sure you are gorgeous. if you weren't, you wouldnt have eating dissorders. you'd be confused bitch somewhere in the town! ^
struggling with ED  means only one thing: you are highly inteligent and you do feel world around you. think about that.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

It is ok not to be ok

Sleepless night. Another strange dreams woke me up and as soon as I was awake, my mind got wild. thinking thinking thinking. thinking about work, relationship, friendships, bulimia, traveling....no way to shut my mind off. Gave up and got out of bed at 4. had shower, put my make up on, re-realized my face looks weird and I need hair dresser, re-learned my fave dress makes me look fat and had fight with the creacure in the mirror. Then I had a speech to invisable group of people, took out my deepest thoughts, listen to Jessie J - Who you are and it was 530 when I gave up fighting and finally felt better. Spoke to my boyfriend and had shared some good thoughts. Now dressed up and leg-warmers and wollen pullover reminded me fall is my favorite season. yesterday I started counting down days until my bday. I love my bday!!!
Now off to work. Dear god, give me strength to keep strong and make the best of today.
It is ok not to be ok.


next day:
my yesterday was exchausting. had challenging day at work, oh my some people are just a mess!!! but i did survive. had good times with my kids, now i am teaching them about emotions. every chance I get, we go deeper into theil little big selves and try to figure out what is happening in there.
it was funny yesterday I made my 6 yr old cladd draw with the music, they needed to close their eyes and go with the feeling. random music, from rock to pop and later on to clasic opened up much. when mozart, nice soft song, all the kids changed theiir colors and started drawing nicely, but one boy got stuck with black and he draw a line everytime the piano sound came out, it was like he was playing a piano. at the end the picture was a bit wild, like he listened to the metal music and one girl yelled: "ms, he has wrong feelings!!!"  hahah no honey, he doesnt have wrong feelings, these are his feelings.
see, how easily we judge others. later we also danced with eyes closed with music on and they started talking that music makes them sad, happy, calm etc.
and during the recess, there was one girl who I spoke about jealousy with, a month ago i believe, and she said: "I am jealous again. I dont know what to do!" haha now they run to me when they have some emotional happening within. I led her deep to her self and asked her questions, did little therapy with her. at the end, she huged me and told me she loves me.
Apart from kids, work sucked yesterday and really felt awful. therapy was good, my doctor told me I couldnt be working better on myself from how am working now. made me feel happy.
tho I annouced to everyone I am slowly finishing my rehab, I was reminded that there is planty of work to be done still and that now I am in the most sensitive mode according to my rehab. I am feeling lot better and I am feeling alove, I can do things so I can easily be mistaken that I have recovered where I actually am not. doctor said lots of people get screwed this at this stage since they believe they are not sick any more and they start running, jogging or doing any other sport and never let bulimia completely go.
well, at this time bulimia is pretty much determent it will show me she is not done with me. I am feeling much better comparing to several months ago and I think I cant even comare now and a year ago, but has been three weeks since I have been struggling, last 10 days more intensive.
 not to mention this week.
my only thought is I am ugly and fat. my second thought is to plan how to stop eating. I wanna stop eating. I feel like I have gained 10 kg at least. I am assuming that because I am mentaly not strong also my body is tired and got blown a bit. I promised myself I will wait until the end of the week, try to sleep lots and take care of myself, my body and my mind, before I totally panic and freak out. maybe, when I stabalize a bit, I will get back to my "feeling good shape".

I am still in "not ok" mode.
I am so grumpy, in such bad mood. I am nervous and everything annoys me. today, i dont know how I survived the day. I woke up so tired tho I slept well, but I felt like crying because I was still exhausted but needed to go work. big headache started before eight and didnt let go. I didnt feel like going to work, it was so so soooooo hard for me to say goodbye to my boyfriend. soon I realized my bad mood wasnt there for nothing, day at work was just shit. i felt awful and upset, didnt even enjoy the kids that much. needed to control myself very much not to give them bad looks, I have a blackout from most of the day. tho i got to finish two big slices of chocolate cake and two slices of pizza and huge chicken salad with all the fattening shit inside. I felt giant and now I feel sorry for my body.
I am in a mode where I dont trust anyone and also at work I only see enemies. tho they arent, i can tell. teachers are nice to me but we have two faced director and it is just not a right time for him to play his games. oh well. I kept quite most of the day, didnt care much for anything. I kept alone if only possible, didnt wanna talk to anyone. yesterday I showed very much of myself when I freaked out because of one teacher and I wanna pull myself back now. I dont want them to know my warnable side. also the director said in my face he appreciate I am so passionate about it but today another teacher told me he said I reaceted very strong. I dont give a shit it doesnt matter it is just irritating. I could complain now hours and hours.
I hope half of it is only because of my current condition and I ll be back on a track next week.
When I made it home I thought again I will just cry. I was in a black out mode, not really sure what I did.
lay down on a bed and closed my eyes, felt sorry for myself and felt the tiredness of all those emotions and happening at work and at rehab. it aint easy. i know I had a thought to give up everything. quit the job and rehab, just shut myself down, close the windows and lock the doors and not come out of the house until I rest myself. I would vomit vomit vomit and eat purging pills. so badly wanted. I know I spent an hour thinking how I better start dietting. To set the  goal and just start starving. I wanna be skinny. everyone is skinny. everyone!!!! I am so tired!!
wanted to cancle my riding lesson but for some reason I was too lazy to do it and I felt like I will be sorry later. I spent so much time making a decidion whether to go or stay at home. I desperately needed sleep and rest but at same time I needed something to make me forget about myself, my work and my bulimia . I really enjoy horses. so I made a deal with myself...if I feel bad after a lesson, I am not going tomorrow and will take day off tomorrow. but after a great hour of riding I cannot wait for tomorrow to do it again. I was so good today, made my body move and made my mind be quite. patting a horse and being part of the nature is just what gave me so much energy. I feel good now, awake and not tired at all.

I made my lunch for tomorrow, was chicken with pepper and wanted to use beans or pees but something in my head didnt let me put any carbos in. it told me to keep it plane and simple, so I can start with my diet. well, the meal tastes delicious, but my head feels tired from this shit.
I am not ok.
ok, now at least I know I am in a bad mood, few months ago I had no clue whats happening and just got depressed. but I cant see anything positive at the moment.
the positive machine just shut down. anything that is bright, colorful, happy and in any kind of way positive doesnt touch me, doesnt come inside me. I dont hear it I dont see it, I dont want it.
today one teacher asked me to join her on a road trip on sunday. felt nothing. but it actually was a great comliment that she wants to hang out with me and get to know me better. I know two weeks ago I would acknowledge it, smile and let my boyfriend know:) but today, nothing! also she said: "I never get a chance to tell you but you are the most amazing person with kids I have ever seen! kids love you. you are like a magnet to them!" again: felt nothing! said thanky you for saying it! but that was about it.
I imagine my body with a line in the middle, half of it is positive and half of it is negative (lets say everything in life has some kind of its balance) and those two parts are like 24/7 factory. but thistime the positive factory shut down. well, we are coming back to work soon, but not now.

I really really need to take care of myself at this point. I need to be gentle with myself and give loads of love to myself. I dont have any time tho, but I can tell I need to take time and go back to basics!!
i am not functioning properly. ah!

Dear god, make me keep on going! thank you!

If its true that it is ok not to be ok, than I am ok because I know it is ok not to be ok!
thats a big step. I am not afraid of my current conditon, I know I am sipmly not ok and I exactly know what to do. thats nice ahievement!

good luck to all of you.
If I can, anyone can!!

Emotions

Its my the happiest weekend, I have my dog with me!!
She keeps me so happy and I do miss her when I dont see her for some time.
She has made me walk lots, go to bed early and wake up even earlier.
She made ma laugh in the middle of the night when she hopped on my bed, wanted to sleep with me and she sleeps like a big human being. lol she wanted cuddles and as soon as I stopped, she cried. I didnt sleep well tho, she kept me awake, but it was so much fun. was 6am when she was ready to go for a morning walk, I wasnt, but once we were outside, it was wonderful. the air was so fresh and the grass was wet, was very peaceful and calm. I got to move my body a bit which made me feel alive.
Now we are back home, she is asleep and I am watching her sleep. wondering: "oh my gosh, that dog there is alive! she is a nature. she is life. I can touch her. she expressed herself and she keeps me warm! oh my god, thats incredible!"
Thank you, my sweet doggy!!

I have a good feeling about today. The full moon is over, energy is settling down, life will move on peacefully.
At least thats what I think.
last two weeks have been emotionally very difficult. I thought it was just me, but when I spoke to some of my friends, they all said they feel emotionally tired and not that well. so yah, I blame moon.
 But its a new moon, which means new energy. plus, there is fall already, nature has callmed down, people arent that wild anymore. it is time for all of us to heal.
It is time to stop a bit, take a breath and think, what life means for us? Take time and join the nature, take time and join yourself. take time to think warm and give warmth to someone who needs it. Take time and have warm cup of tea with your bestfriend. take time and let your beloved ones you love them. I believe this is what fall is all about!!! to catch up with yourself, with your breath and with nature.
I absolutely love fall. last couple of falls I dont remember since I was either in Afrca or stuck inside, depressed. This is my first fall after three years that I am ware of it and feeling it. I wish people would know what I am talking about from their own experiance, but most of them that I meet they still cry for summer and they complain about the cold and rain.
well, I dont like summer and I feel lonely at that time, and people dont get it, how come I feel alone during summer where summer is the season when heaps is happening and everyone loves everyone. well, thats why. so I understand not everyone loves fall, sure, but I am wondering.... do they have any other season which brings some peace and calm in their lives? it doesnt need to be fall, but any!
I see so much pain in people! so many people walk around hurt inside. So many people in pain. Do you see them? They are caught with their hate, negativity, anger, jealousy. So many people hurt inside.
I wish I had a super power and be able to poke them enough so they find a way to let those painful emotions out. but i dont. my brother seems to be very hurt inside, it is killing me watching him but not being able to come closer. he is so untouchable. so absent.
well, I cant change anyone, I can only make you think! but some people dont hear anything. nah. they dont even hear bit of my story. bit of someone elses story. they are caught in their unpokeable bubble and life is passing them by.
I see so much anger. Anger was the only feeling I remember from a year ago that I could recognize in my body. the only. jealousy, sadness, loneliness, love, fear, anxiety, nervousness.... all went out though the anger.
I only got to devide jealousy from "anger" after 5 months of rehab, and later came sadness and a bit later fear. Now I am able to recognize those emotions, after 14 months of rehab but not sure about love and trust. I dont know what does it mean that you trust someone and how does it feel you love someone'? but im getting there I guess.
And yah, when see all those angry people, angry for no reason....well, it is not true they are angry for no reason, it is just they dont recognize whether they are sad, jealous, scared....
I mean anger is what I see the most, but I am sure there are also people who are most of the time jealous, or nervous.... and it doesnt mean they are chronically jealous/nervous etc but they might be upsat, disapointed or so whatever and they just dont recognize it. in my opinion.
People dont go deep, they are not aware of theirselves and all the beauty of being alive.
(*just my opinion*)
and most of them will die not knowing the difference between anger and jealousy, fear and sadness....
this messed up idea of what is going on within us is very much rooted  within and it is with us most of our lives.
as a teacher I can see and feel the power of teaching my kids about feelings and emotions.
they all come to me messed up and when they are sad they hit and pull hair, when they are angry they yell, when they are jealous they are angry....... and it is me who goes down to thir level and help them go deep enough so they tell me what is going on and after they say it out, I name their emotion. I might fuck up easily.
If a girl, who is actually jealous (which is together with anger the most basic emotion in early childhood) come to me with her issue and I name it "anger" she will grow up believing that she is angry with her friend because she has a new friend and not jealous, I will screw up a kid.
and being aware of that power of teaching them about thir feelings and teach them also negative feelings are as good and as imporatant as positive, has given me totally new insight.
at one point I realized every time I am sad, I yell and get very bitchy.
I asked myself: "who the fuck thought me what the sadnes mean?"
oh, should be my parents.
I also remember my elementary teacher did loads of shit to us. but thats how i grew up, and most of you grow up this way. if you go deep enough, you realize you have no clue what is happening within yourself.
And because you are confused, cannot touch the unknown and untouchable thing, you find something you can touch..... your body/food.
isnt it sad?
It took me a year of intensive fucking hard rehab to realize this, although my doctor told me this thing at first meeting. she said: "you dont have a problem with sandwich, you have problem with your feelings!"
"NOOOO!!! you are so wrong, doctor!! I only lose some weight and I will be back on a track! From tomorrow on!!"
I told you I got to lose 2 sizes but I still hated myself just like I did, when I had 70 kg. if not more since at that point I was even more confused. It is just now, few months that I calmed a little bit, before summer and I remember also in july, I was losing my mind literally from this difficutlt recovering. I was sure it is not leading anywhere, i didnt see any of my progress, but as I mentioned once...... progress is so slow and almost invisable, but one day you just wake up and meet a situation where you dont bing, you dont purge, you dont cry and you dont yell. you calmly face it and deal with it.
for me it was like it came from no-where, because I dont give myself any credits (and I am sure most of you doesnt too) but then I met another situation when I survived and another and another and then I got it... "Oooooh, rehab is paying off!"

I dont know how I made it this way, writing out of context lol
but I  started writing yesterday and then fell asleep, today  am continuing, with different mood.
I am actually very grumpy.
I had bizarre dreams. I dreamed I was pregnant, it was so real. I woke up in a schock. fuck. didnt start the day happy. then spoke to boyfriend and I just wasnt really present. left for work. realized one teacher lost huuuuuuuge amount of weight which was total knock down. I felt HUGEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I still do!!! so huge like I gained 15 kg! so so sad and so grumpy, so upset and so nervous. I hate myself for being fat.
tahts my superficial feeling. I am angry with myself for being fat. I am upset sooooooo badly! everyone, but seriously everyone from that point on became very very skinny in my mind. every perent I met, every teacher I saw, everyone skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnny!!! I hate skinny!!!!!

but I am really fat? am I really mad at myself for being fat or there is something else behind? I can tell without thinking there is a waterfall of emotion hiding behind and I amnot sure I am ready to let them go now.
I better take time and do my homework.
Lay down on your bed, go to your emotons, go to your body. where do those emotions come out? how does it feel on your body?


At the moment my legs are cold, my face is huge, it is burning. I feel like grabbing if and just wanna throw it to someone. my fingers are chabby and thighs are warm, almost like I feel blood moving. in my stomac, I am so nervous that I feel like yelling. My heart is beating fast and now I dont feel legs anymore, all went up to my face. such a preasure. making me cry. im shaking, so nervous I am. I cant listen to TV, I feel like throwing something in it. i just did! all the preasure moved from my face to my chests and down to stomach. its burning. now going down to my legs and feet. my feet are sweating and my knees are cold. now I dont feel anything. my body shut down. now all is back to my face. I am pulling my face apart I want it to disappear. I dont want this face. I am feeling sick to my stomach. its such a huge knot in my stomach, coming up my throat. everything stinks. Im feeling like vomiting.

...........

....................................


stage 3 in a same post:
After going into my feeling, after letting myself feel I lost it for a while. the ache just took control over my body. I cried a river. when my alarm went off (my doc says I nshould always set alarm for half an hour) I was so nervous in my stomach and in my mouth. I was so nervous I started throwing things around the place. Hated everything. To make sure those emotions dont take controle over, I went out. Didnt know where, just needed to take off. I thought small chocolate is what i need so went to the stor buy it. I couldnt make up my mind whether to buy it or not. "yes no yes no yes no yes no!" went my mind. "buy two. dont buy any. buy two. dont buy any. buy two. dont buy any!" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! bitchhhhhhhhhh!!!!! leave me fucking aloooooooooone!!!!! is just small chocolate!!! so I got small busicuit cake and had another fight: "eat it, dont eat it. eat it, dont eat it. eat it, its ok. dont eat it, you are fat!" 
you know that moment??
but since I control my situation more, I said: "fuck it, i really feel like this chololate!"
I set in my car, very very very sad. I dont remember being that sad for ages. just simple sadness!!!
I finished my little chocolate and all of a sudden I went blank. I dont know how I managed to drive, dont know where did I go, but suddenly I ended up on the other side of the town, feeling evenmore fat and awful because I ate that chocolate. so bulimic. bitch!!!
I cant take that teacher who lost weight out of my mind. because of her my mind is screaming: "stoooooooooooop eating!!!!!!!! stop eating!!!!! stop the fuck eatiiiiiiiiiing!!!!"
I set in the park, took all the feelings with me, asked them not to be too loud because I need some space, but they can sit next to me.
I called my boyfirend, it brought me a bit back to the earth, but soon I got lost in the space again.
I am sure its just such day and that teacher woke up something inside me, thats why all those FAAAAAAAAAATTTT and UUUUGLY feelings! It is part of me that isnt healed yet.
it is part of me believing, everyone is better looking and losing weight is a sign of power!
I still believe that strongly.
Sure I will take care of happening and not letting myself sink, I went home and had long, hot shower. Hot shower was like a warm hug from Life. it did wash some of the stress away. but being naked in this stage wasnt really encouraging. faaaat, so fat is the creature in the mirror. so fat and gross, so loose and cellulite.
ugly.
i dont know where this world is going but all the mommies are sooooooooo skinny. like sick skinny. i dont know what they do. just today in a bakery I saw another one with a baby not more than 6 months old but she didnt have more than 45kg. at our school all of them are mentally skinny. all of them. we have two moms a bit chubby, no "normal size" and the rest is just half od my size. I am not lying!! true story.
when I count skinny mommies, at first i feel awful but then I think to myself "you know what, screw it. I dont give a fuck dow do they look like half of them has their own issues and another half is as sick as I am. maybe few are naturally skinny. fuck it. i cant control them!" and I shut my eyes.
but days like this are awful. they are all I see.

but now I am stronger, so its 830 pm and I am all set in bed, ready to finish this day, I am totally dont with it. good bye, you are past now. praying for better tomorrow.
hopefully I realize what is my problem these days.

good luck to you all.
I know it feels like shit when bulimia comes around. it is shit. you cant control it. its much stronger. but do protect yourself. your body is just being abused. help him. go sleep. tomorrow is a now day, new energy. and if tomorrow is the same, be gentle, go sleep again. x