it is not a feeling or a thought in my head, it is just something i know.
I feel strong and I know I am capable winning anything that life brings. bulimia is deffinitely the biggest battle ever so anything from this point on I can handle.
I see now I have been trough so much in my life, I have experianced so much so far that most people never will and i have strength. I have my reason to stay alive.
It is just a moment when I know i above all the rules and know things others dont.
I have walked the hard path to make it here and I know it.
I think I am rebirthing! it feels amazing. doing things like little kids, drawing lots, singing, dancing...trying to protect and enjoy my little space. I can. I can choose what to let in and what not.
I have a power of saying: "I am not going to think of this because it will make me feel bad!"
I have a power of choosing what to think and what to do.
I am incharge of my own rehab, I am incharge of my life.
I dont need to know all the answers. I am not here to understand everything. I have my particualr mission and to the misson I follow. I dont need to make everyone feel good, it is not my thing to understand everyone and knw everything.
I am here to recover from bulimia and live my life fully with a knowledge that bulimia gave me.
I am here to live my own life and do my own things. Not to be selfish, but to live my own way and be kind.
I am here to speak up about dark side of life, dark side of bulimia, dark side of eating disorder, some people might listen, some people might hear me, some people might ignore me. but that is not my problem, they dont need to follow me, they dont need to listen. it is their business what they do with their lives and they have a right and a power to choose what to hear and what to believe.
I dont get hurt anymore if people say: "oh bulimia you mean when you eat lunch and then puke afterwards?" and they are not willing to change their oppinion about bulimia....so they continue living life believing bulimia is for weak people who want to please to anyone and that is just our fault.
I am here to teach myself at the first place and then those who are willing to listen. period.
I am not wasting any more of my energy for the people who are hurting me, for the people who dont listen to me, for those who are not gentle with me and for those who believe i am weak.
I know the truth and with the truth i life.
you have your own truth, you might want to share it, you might want to keep it. it is your decition what you do, just be aware of your power.
I am almost saying: "dont you ever dare to tell me i dont know how it feels to be down and not knowing if you will make it trough next five minutes or not. i know what the pain is." it is not being proud of the shit i have been trough but i am proud of the shit i have learned out of that shit. and i know i am not stupid and i know i know lots.
it might be just a moment of feeling thisway, I dont know, tomorrow I might feel weak again, but it is first time in my life thinking this way and it feels good.
last therapy i had difficut times, i cried and had big break down because of feeling fat. i did work with my doctor so she led me trough, but i felt like dying with that fatty body and I was freaking out things will never change, things will never go better, bulimia will stay with me forever.
one of the most painful moments, when you realize it is YOU who is failing anf you who doesnt have enough strength, but look today, after three days I am feeling way different.
so there is hope i will win.
i am winning now.
I am waking up and seeing and feeling things, understanding things. I hit the ground once a day, often i go to bed feeling ugly, without a shower, stinky, just because i dont feel like taking care of myself, i dont feed myself in a proper way, eating junk food and i dont clean my place, jsut because i dont feel like i am worth of living in a nice place, but there are moments when i shower myself, let myself have a nap, make myself a health meals and clean my place, make myself a cup of tee, turn on my fave music and enjoy myself the way i am and enjoy my life the way it is. and there is more and more such moments which make my life much nicer, but cold, dirty, ugly, stinky wave of life splashes me at any times, without any warning.
I so far I have always survived.
My ache, my pain and my harm I have been through and will come visit in the future too make me sit and think: "I have been trough tough times, clouds were over my happiness, but those same louds are my pillow now and the sun is my crown."
You can be SO proud of yourself that you made it so far. I think you have every reason to believe that from now on you can achieve everything. Yes, you have been through SO much pain and it didn't kill you - it made you stronger, stronger than bulimia. Cause like I already said once - it doesn't get easier, just YOU get STRONGER. And you are going exactly this way. I am so happy for you! I sadly didn't "make it" through yesterday (to much to handle) but today I will think about your words a lot and keep believing - recovery IS possible! *hugs*
ReplyDeletehoney thank you. dont be sad for yesterday i think you are doing great. you can recognize it and try your best next day, what else can you ask for.
ReplyDeleteif you go thisway, like i let bulimia ruin your day and next day you stand up for yourself, bulimia will soon get you are not giving her all the power.
and soon it will be two good days after one bulimia bad day... but keep in trying and working!!! recovery is possible! i am getting there. but look honey, have been on a rehab for almost 15 months now and you see me as a strong person already, but i still have lots to work on. lots and lots!! it is such a loooooooooong process so take it easy!!! my thoughts are with you. i have chosen today to get social a bit, enjoy the autumn and dance to honer my life!! xox
I guess I should really not focus so much on my "lost battles" but rather work on a "long term" progress - that even if I fall back I still rise up a bit stronger than I was before.. I understand more and more that things absolutely wont be as easy as I'd like them to be... I mean look at you - I see you as a much stronger and determinate person as myself and yet you needed 15 months (with therapy) to make it to this point. So I have to accept the fact that this will take lots of time and work. But reading your lines - I see that it's possible and that it's worth it. Today I tried not to think about yesterdays mistakes - I thought more about your words instead. I am really so happy and lucky that I've found your blog and that I have your support. Thank you :* I hope you enjoyed your day in all its beauty - it was an amazing one for sure! On such days I really love autumn <3
ReplyDeleteyah hon like i said: lay back, make your self comfortable..........its gonna be a loooooooong ride! :) but its fun. it bring lots of joy. i hope you proud of yourself just the way you think is such a huge benefit. one day at the time!! ful sm vesela da ti moj blog poomaga in te inspirira, ful!! yah my day was perfect, felt inlove with my boyfriend and life and spend it in town with a good friend of mine so happy i am capable of social life now. huray for rehab!! xo
ReplyDeleteYap you're right - although it's mostly hard work it's also "fun" and interesting to discover myself in a new light - who I am when I'm not occupied with bulimia, how I react, what I like to do... I'm kinda looking forward to what I'm gonna find next - and how I'm gonna turn out at the end of my rehab ;) I'm really happy for you and your boyfriend. I know how much it means to have a person beside you that loves you unconditionaly, I can't imagine what I'd do if I wouldn't have my hubby. And a big "YAY" for your social life - I'm still REALLY bad at this and try to avoid going out BIG time cause I'm totally not feeling comfortable... I hope also this will change one day and I'm gonna be able to just go out and chat with people - even if I'll see them for the first time. But... one day at the time - and I successfully made it through today :) *take care*
ReplyDeleteBIG congrats on successful day!! YALALALALA!!!!
ReplyDeleteja mene je blo na zacetku in se dolgo po tem strah, da se bom spremenila v sebicno prasico k bo sikala folku in bo polna sama sebe, ko se enkrat pozdravim, pa zdj ko se prebujam, nic ne kaze na to, da bi bla grozna. tko da ko se pozdravis, bos odkrila nic manj kot zaklad sama sebe!!
ja sej jst si tut se ploskam ko kj nardim za svoj social life, sploh k mi gre vecino ljudi zdj na zivce in sm zlo stroga in tecna s kom se bom druzla. en na teden je cist dost. xxxx ja, moj fnt je angel. in me obozuje in sm sreccna! in tut ti bod hvalezna za dragega. a ve za bulimijo?
Hvaaaala:) No vidis - tega je tud mene strah. Ampak glede na to, da opazam, da sem na kksne dneve brez bulimije prav lepo umirjena in skulirana, celo obstaja upanje, da bom sla bolj v to smer. Sej ce bom na koncu priblizno taka, kot sm bla, preden se je zacelo vse to s*****... bo zlo fajn:) O ja... social life - mi je trenutno prov horor. Kr nisem sproscena, ko grem s kom na kavo - skoz mam v glavi sam to, da se nimam kej pogovarjat in da sem itak brezvezna... Mogoce bi mogla res zacet pocasi in ne prevec zahtevat od sebe - kot pravis - eden na teden bi bil verjetno dovolj. Tko mam pa vcasih obdobje, k bi se kr vsak dan s kom dobila, vcasih pa po cel teden sploh ne bi sla iz stanovanja... Za dragega pa ja - I am SO grateful every single day! He's my BIGGEST sunshine indeed! Still can't totally believe I am so LUCKY to have him. In ja - ve za moje tezave, ze od vsega zacetka. Pa me ma kljub temu noro rad in mi stoji ob strani ze vec kot deset let - in UPA z mano, da bo nekoc moja zgodba imela srecen konec. Menda ga bo:) Lep teden ti zelim xx
ReplyDeletehej kako si?? kaj pomeni ta tisina? mislim nate in ti zelim vse mirno. xxo
ReplyDelete