because of my beloving boyfriend

have i ever told you why I chose rehab?
it was because of my boyfriend.


I have bulimia since i was 13, vomiting, binging, dieting, hating myself.
more i think now, i have never been relaxed child and felt bad about everything i did from early childhood.
by the age 13 i was already super depressed and by the age 15 I tried to commit suicide twice.
both times mom found me and took me to the hospital. I got psyciatrist straight away and so between age15 and18 i had regular therapies. my main goal still was to end up my life and binging-purging, depressiona and hatting myself didnt stop.
my social life sucked, i didnt talk to anyone, tho i was always the most popular kid in school. everyone wanted to hang out with me but i was always very picky with people.
I was huge nirvana and kirt cobain fan but i had a lot of metal fans, skate and snowboard fans, even techno fans. never really experienced how it feels when you are not accepted by others.
but i never cared about partying and guys.
i was busy struggling with myself and with my family. my family believed my alternative way of living was chosen by the reason to tourture my parents and it was because i didnt respect them. they always put blame on me i am the reasno they fight and i cause so much harm with my etno life.
i remember mom asking god for ages what did she do wrong to be so punished with such daugter and and my father always told me my personality is so shitty i will never succeed in life. i remember them telling me this since 12 or 13.
somehow i survived my therapies and when 18 my doctor set me free. i was fine for a year, still stuck with bulimia tho, but at least i got interested in social life a bit more and so i started partying. again, i never had any problem with people and got heaps of attention everywhere i came. i was pretty party animal so i added partying to my bulimia and selfhate. it was for the first time i learned compliments aint good thing for me, because everytime i got a compiment, i was sure they are just screwing up with me I am shit anyway. so i partied a lot, i met lots of people and i struggled a lot more. soon, depression joined my bulimia, selfhate and partying. not fun. the combination made me totally numb and by the age 19 i cancled everyone and everything on puurpuse and went back to my quite world where no-one can hear me crying and no-one can see my pain. that was one of the hardest times of my life as i didnt care about anything but things at home got worse than ever before. as i was often outside against my parents will they were both sure i am doing drugs and having sex with anyone. they were sure about drugs since i was 15, but apart from smoking weed and drinking alkohol i never tried anything and i had my first sex when i was 18 and i think i can count on one hand with how many guys i slept with. but my mom constantly called me a whore and my dad called me a junkey. thats how i grew up. and i will never succeed.
i wasnt sure if i will survive my depression at 19 but then by some stupid reason i hooked up with my good friend and we ended up dating. he was big serious stoner and i was busy convincing him to stop smoking so it was a first time after a year that i cared about. soon we moved in together and that was a time when i had my first break from bulimia. but soon after i stopped vomiting, i was diagnosed for a cancer on my cervix. it last three year and in the mean time i broke up with my boyfriend. i was on a top of the world, single, fighting for my life, feeling, not vomiting, not hating myself and not dieting. for a first time in my life.
in the time when my bulimia wasnt active, i lost about 20kg.
i was single for about six months and almost recovered from cancer when i met a guy i fell inlove with in a bout a second.
he totally blew my mind away and he was so different from what i was used to it. he seemed perfect.
we ended up sleeping together, then few more times and soon he left back to new zealand, letting me know we can only be friends. but i didnt know him as a friend.
soon after he left, i had my finaly radio therapies and as soon as they pronouced me cancer free, bulimia came back. i think in a same week.
i had special diet for cancer and i gained about 10 kg. i was huge. i was even more constipated from already being constipated for about 6 years.
i got some pump to clean my vagina everyday and soon i realized i can use it also to clean my rectum. it worked.
it was pretty same affect as vomiting. i used it everyday. then i googled it more about it and realized all i am empting is my rectum and not the whole digest system. so went to the pharmacy and got myself laxative pills. took one, worked better than any vomiting before. ate lots took abother one, shit-ed, vomited and ate again. took two, ate even more, pooped much more, vomited more and felt empty. after a several weeks eating laxative pills and binging was all i did. pretty fast i came from one pill to 8 pills a day and 8 vomits a day. selfhate grew and depression grew. i got super addicted to those pills and couldnt live without them. if i didnt have an extra box at home, i got nervouse. but wont write about those details since my whole blog is about this addiction.................but soon i was so busy shitting and vomiting i didnt have time to leave the house. hated everyone, myself and bulimia and i ended up stuck at home for a year. i left only when needed to go get pills or food. sometimes stole money from my mom to get more food and did some translating and tutoring.
my only regular friend was my current boyfriend. we kept intouch and he was very nice to me. he did play tricks with me tho now he says he didnt but he did. i was in such shit i couldnt take any more stress and was still inlove with him but he didnt want me that i decided to head down to africa. time in africa my bulimia wasnt there but when i came home, my life went from bad to worse. bulimia took contol over every second of my day, kept me awak all nights vomiting, crying, shitting, hating myself. day after day, night afer nigh.
it got so bad i ended up at clinic for few times because i over dosed. it last for another year and a half.
in a mean while i time to time spoke to him and at one point i told him i cant play it anymore, so i want him to decide is he in or is he out. after few months he decided he is in and we started dating.
i thought it cant get worse with my condition but it did go worse.
with my new relationship i got extra at least 4 vomits a day. my body was so exhausted I was more and more sure i will not make trough another day. my body was slowly shutting down.
after six months of relationship we kind of knew we need to break up, it aint good for us. but deep down i knew there is different me, me, that he met and me that he liked when he met me. i remembered he met me when i was not fighting with bulimia and i was super duper the happiest hippie on the planet.
i was determent to find that happy me before we give up.
i started working on myself, went from one doc to another from one yogi to another and all told me pretty much the same: i am 100% depressed and i have 100% developed eating disorders and that my body is shutting down so i dont have much more left. i didnt believe them but when i ran out of all options, i accepted the fact i need help.
I wanted to give my relatioship a chance.
so i went on a rehab.
my boyfriend didnt break up with me after i told him and ever since he is the greatest support and my reason to get recover.

he is also a reason i keep writing this blog as i believe one day i will be able to put all those posts together and put them in a nice book, i need only one book, to dedicate it to him. to say thank you for Life!
he is a reason i look forward everyday and that i try to be better person.

 he is a reason i broke way too long going on bulimia chain and my family disaster.

this is just a (very) long story (very) short but i am so grateful for him I cant keep it inside myself anymore.
that man took me with huge baggage --- bulimia! you know how huge deal bulimia is. he took me, offered me help and never gave up on me. he always had faith in me. he is always there for me and he helped me to get over my bulimia (almost yet) .
he is the man who changed me and made a good person out of me and me being a good person means much more love on the world.
when i try and tell him how amazing he is, he doesnt give hisself any credits, he always says "babe, it is you who makes a decidion at the end!" yah, true, but he is the reason i came so far. he is my decidion.
and i love him more than anything. thank you, gorgeous!!!