all you can eat

I would totally win the competion if any this weekend in who can eat more.
I dont stop eating.
Im feeling sick from all the sweets but i dont stop.
mornings are fine, then dont know what to eat fro lunch and just grab a chocolate, which leads to another bar and another and to chololate puding and to chocolate baby food and to yogurt aaaaa!!
my regular got mad too, after every meal I end up pooping lol soft food working aye.
but it aint funny i havent been eating senseless since last january, so ten months, and now im so bord and so not creative with food i keep binging.
sometimes i feel bad then i tell myself im off to work tomorrow so will go back to my routine, but what had happened this weekend??
did it really effect me so much that I am not allowed to eat most of the food? is it really so dangerous to tell bulimic to stay on a soft food diet for two weeks? thats what i think it happened. they got me unprepeared. i dont know what to eat. aar. sometimes i just make fun of myself and actually laugh out loud, asking myself: "are you ready for another puding, you can choose; vanilla or chocolate!?" but then i get upset and sad, i didnt want to eat that much ever. Still, it cannot be comapred to how i used to binge but non of this food I dont need. beside that, i am just lying in my bed, doing nothing, not even spending any energy so soup or spinach should be enough, but guess what- it freaking isnt!!! I feel hungry alllll the time. bowl of soup isnt a lunch and one chocolate bar isnt any breakfast. buggers. im hungry. and i am not PMSing and there is no full moon but simply I cant get enough of this soft food. I keep telling myself: if baby eats a bowl of baby food he gets full for long time, you get full for 20 minutes.
I think it is because they told me to whatch what to eat and so i am protesting now. but its my loss.
this mornig when i got up my body was nice and belly was flat, so no demage from yesterday's chocolate-ouding-babyfood-binging, so i thought i will keep my nice body today ... hell yah, after two hours I started my all you can eat sunday.
dont know whether to laugh or cry.
my stomach hurts at the moment and i am so upset I ate anything.
but the good news is I will probably get totally sick of those pudings and chocolates so i will stay away for longer time.
another thing that upsets me is i am not taking good care of my wound.i am afraid my stiches will rip...but hoooooow, im only eating soft food. fuck soft food.
I havent even strech from the morning, im stuck in my bad, everything hurts me from lying. fuck. i mean it. and im suppose to be lying for two weeks. nah nah nah, off to work tomorrow!!
i cant understand how i survived those hard depressions when didnt leave a house for months and months and had only been purging, binging and lying. i dont remember feeling any pain in my butt from lying, but now i do after three days.
im so yucky now. my poor body, what have I dont to you.
I am so so so sorry.
having headache, need some fresh air. 
I 'v got running stomach from all those sweets, just spent half an hour at the toilet. today looks pretty much like old bulimic days: eat-shit, eat-shit. eat some more-shit some more..... just now i didnt use any purge pills and really didnt know i will ever react so shitty literally to chocolate diet, was sure i will get cinstipated.

im really feeling strange. in a way am rested and all good, but there something missing. its missing feeling good about myself. but these days i havent reach a point when saw myself in the mirror and felt pretty pleasant, nah, was my own bugger. but did what i got to do. so i know from now on life will be easier but just now im so bored.
I am missing my boyfriend so much all I want to do now is call him and tell him I love him.
im not seeing him for xmas since hes coming over in february for six months and we decided i go to africa. not that africa isnt a good deal, hell nooo, africa is the best thing ever, but i am not sure how will i get trough without seeing my man.
it was our together decidion and i know it makes sense as we need money to live here and hes coming soon after ny, and africas cheap comparing to nz, but still, my heart is beating fast thinking of not coming to new zealand.
I want my man woth me, just wanna touch hisface and hold his hand, let him hold me tight.
Im so inlove with him. he is such a wise person, so calm and so focused. he is such an inspiration and so much trying to do thing right.
and the way he smiles and treats me and treats his friends, family and other people is just aaaaaaaaaaaaaah la  la la inlove!!!!!!
when close my eyes i see his face and i smile.
im the lucky one.
he got my heart.
he won bulimia.
he is my angle. 

I always look for a perfect song for him, for perfect quote, for perfect dress, perfect gift, perfect letter because i am sure he deserves no less than perfect. for a long time i struggled so so much believing im not good enough for him because I am not perfect but he changed it. he has actually made me feel i am good enough for him. Im far from perfect but so perfect. my love is honest. I ma donig my best and often go beyond and above my ego in the name of our love. it is so much worth it. it keeps me going. he gives me reason every day to kick my ass and move along. evry single day. and also when having all you can eat weekend he just smiles along ang tells me how beautiful i am.