as proper bulimic i have taken the doctor's advice about eating soft food very seriou, but other parts of his advice obviously not.
he told me to take care of my wound and to breath slowly, but it seems like i have been breathing too fast and so my blood bubble on my wound broke and now I again have a whole in my head and so it is getting infected. I think I am kind of in trouble but I still hear his voice saying: "eat soft and cold food for three weeks!"
meaning: "dont eat food you eat normaly!"
he didnt tell me I can breath between meals and so I am literally eating mostly non stop.
I brought several yogurts, spinach, pudings, chocolate and bananas.
all this seem to be a soft food, yes. especially chocolate.
so today I started my meal at 1pm and finished it at 5pm.
finished 150g chocolate, one vanilla puding, bowl of soup and bowl of spinach.
I can tell honestly I didnt need that much chocolate. It makes me sick even, because chocolate has been my lunch yesterday and a day before, both days 100g one.
but i enjoyed first piece of it, it melted so nicly in my mouth--soft food, aye!
soon, i had enough but i kept eating and the voice in my head was still saying: "eat soft food!"
so i told myself it is time for me to treat myself special so it doesnt matter if i eat that much chocolate and other sweet junk food. i seemed to be fine with my decidion and i continued enjoying it, but soon there was another voice in my head: "you bitch, your body will learn to get that much sugar everyday and you will need to eat chocolate also when you are going to be fine. who do you think you are, i am not dealing with your struggles. and your crying you are fat later. you better stop!"
I felt very sad, the voice is right.
i should stop. since wednesday i dont have regular meals, i, surviving on chocolate, yogurts and pudings.
it is not that i am eating enormous amounts of food but non of it is my safe food. oh, i even eat baby food, which used to be my binge food. at first it made me feel sick but later just makes me feel bad and guilty.
I had a control over my junk meals and thought i deserve a little bit of sweet treating but at the end of the day, I feel super guilty.
I want nice brown and shinny skin, not white fatty one and i am not getting the nice one if eating chocolates and baby foods.
i may be that my body just got reminded of the time when all this food was used for binging. I feel very unsafe.
today, while eating my 7th piece of chocolate and I felt like I cant take one more, i had a flash back: I used to didnt care when my body asked me to stop, i had that lethal piece and got so sick i went vomit. I really got scared so i put the res of the chocolate down and didnt continue. I fell asleep and ever since I havent ate.
with all that sweet food I will not get to recover well, it is not healthy.
my first thought when doctor advided me to eat soft food only was: "yaay i will lose weight!!!!" so sick aye.
that shouldnt be even a thought. but obviuosly i decided to fatten myself during my recovery and not slim down.
non of it should be an option, i should keep five meals a day and keep chocolate as a meal if needed.
I feel like Im letting myself down.
my body down.
i caused so much harm to my body and it is going trough this recovery now only because of me tourteting it with bulimia, but i still dont stop.
I told myself it is only a day, and at first i was fine with it but now when my body is filled up with sweets I feel like i ruined everything and that i have been eating sweets for months, not only for two days, one day especially.
i think I could do it much better.
i have had these days off and I am sure I could do it better.
well, honestly, i dont know what I mean because I my main goal from wednesday on was to take unlimited rest, catch up with my sleep and rest my body and my mind.
i did that.
i slept loads, felt good sleeping that mcuh, have been listening to my reggae all the time, got reinspired, got intouch with myself, did good art that even i was proud of and relearned I am an artist and all was good. I did exactly what I was planning to do.
but now, after my little binging day I feel like failur.
I actually dont know whether I have been treating myself special or I ended up being huge failure?
what is right?
what is bulimia in this story?
how to recognize bulimia? it is there, i know it is because I am getting mixed messages, so one of the mesagges isnt real. which one?
i keep feeling bad for my body, the skin is dry and my hair is dirty, i should take propercare of it and treat my body as well.
maybe thats a catch.
I took care of my mind, rested it well, spoiled it with good music and protected it from any thinking when doing art but lets be honest, apart from one long bath the orther day I didnt take good care of my body.
maybe everything is good and bulimia is only trying to tell me i should treat my body special too otherwise she will come and ruin everything.
maybe she is giving me a chance? haha i couldnt believe that would be an option but why else would she make me feel like faliure if actually took care of my mind?
ok thats a silly question, why else???? what do you think? because she is bulimia and she is here to make you feel bad, awful, ugly, useless etc no matter how good your deeds are.
but I have been in a good relationship with my bulimia....she has been back those days but she wasnt that aggressive so I have believed she 's being nice to me lol
I will try take care of my body and see what happens next. if that voice will still be present, i will kick bulimia's ass.
"take care of your body, that is the only place you have to live in!"
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