growing with bulimia

i finally got to sleep in but still havent woke up in a super good mood. i actually started crying pretty soon after I realized I am awake and after I felt my body. im in "i hate myself" mode.
I really need to take time, sleep trough and talk to my bulimia.
she wants something from me. maybe she wants me to give up, not sure, but i better listen up before she totally freaks out.
I am caugh in such weird feeling, where there's houndreds of thoughts on my mind but in a same time my head is emprty. im very easy to be upset, im in a bad mood, am grumpy and i see bad in everything and everyone. im so annoyed by people, im most of the time just "shut the fuuuuuck up!!!!!" i just wanna run away from everyone and hide in dark, quite room.
i have pretty good oportunity to do it these days when im on a sick leave.
i just wanna go back on a trac, calm myself down and get rid of that nasty "im ugly, fat, boring, lazy....................etc" thought.
i see sun now, im doing pretty well and so i think i forgot im still on a rehab, still struggling, and so now have been struggling for 3 weeks again and  I am just like "what the fuck is going on!?" not to think it is just bulimia fighting against my recovering. she doesnt like of course so thats her final call. but i needed my boyfriend to remind me it is bulimia. other people dont understand.
they just believe you can be fine or not fine. now im fine some time and not fine some time. sometime i get to enjoy the beautiful fall, but in a very next moment i am feeling depressed.
i txted my friend yesterday saying how i love fall, fresh air, colors, more honest relationships, rain, forg, sone, cocco, scarfs, cardigens, reggae.... and she said: "i wish i felt the same im so down low thesedays!" when i read her msg i was just  like: "oh am pretty down myself aswell but thats ok, when im feeling good, i love it!" i didnt say anything but thats how i felt. it is not just black or white. anyways.

next day:
wii hot my so needed 12 hour sleep huray.
and am just about to have another nap. that the life i need now.
im feeling much better tho because of my tooth i eat lots of chocolate and bananas and i spend lots of energy convincing myself its all good, i wont gain weight, but for two weeks i am only allowed to eat soft food. chocolate is soft, aye:)
I am so catching up with myself, listening to the reggea all day long, feeling the music, thinking of my africa, re-realizing africa is where my heart is coming from, where my heart belongs to. it is only place that trully makes me happy. i decited it is time for me to stop refusing it.
at one point, i needed to set up my priorities and I chose my relationship, but now when my relationship is going smoothly and i am pretty well, it is time for my beloved africa.
cant wait to see my kiddous and my friends. i miss them everyday more, so im about to head to africa for xmas. im not meeting my boyfriend this time, as he will be moving over for six months in february.
cant believe i will finally have him by myself without feeling the pressure of him leaving in few weeks time. my life is falling into places. very happy.
i am who i am and who i am i am good.
i am gypsy artist who loves reggae, africa, music, travels, writing, painting, dancing and teaching. i like my alternative, etno way of living life, I am sure now it is the right way for me and no mother and no father can take it away from me. friends that matter to me appreciate me the way i am, my boyfriend love the artist in me, so nothing else matters.
i am so happy i never gave up on my etno life style and always faught for it, and now, here i am, believeing i am living good. I aint bad.

i made birthday gift for my boyfriend, i am pretty happy with what came out. not bad at all and so I am happy. next week is my bday too, i love my bday!! i start counting down on october 1st but thistime i got busy with organizing my boyfriends present so bad i forgot about mine a little bit.
last year my bday meant nothing to me, i was stuck alone in the house, vomiting and hating myself. one bday before I was in africa so i was pretty the happiest, but this year it seems like i will have a good day and wont vomit. huray!!

i so badly needed these days off, so badly.
is not that i am super great, but at least i can devide happy from sad. when i am sad i am sad, when i am happy i am honestly happy.

i have been thinking a lot about bulimia last three weeks as i struggled a lot and i almost forgot how it feels when it takes control over you. thought of the time when i cheated on my boyfriend with bulimia, cheated the world with lies, cheated myself. thought of the time when i was stuck inside, too ashamed to go out because i believed am huge and ugly. how did i survive it, when i almost survive now, when i am stronger and know what is happening? bulimia is a huge huge addiction, huge illnes!
i never thought i will come that far, that was a fantasy for me. i never believed i will be able to stop vomiting and start eating normaly. when i got a program how to eat at  the clinic, i laughed out loud when read I need to eat carbos along with proteins and vitamins, i need to have five meals a day and not skip any even if i ate lots a meal before.
but it all came somehow. by an accident, when durnig my stay in new zealand I learned there are cookies still left if i dont finish them. i learned it is me who can contorl in. it was odd, i actually never made a decition to start eating regulary, but it jsut came after 5 months of rehab.
but now i am doing mybest to stay away from the truobles. it aint easy but somehow i manage to do it.
i have been thinking of everything i have ever tried just for a sake to stay well, to stay away from the toilet. sonce april this year i actually stopped shopping, i dont keep any food at home. i buy just what i need for a lunch or dinner. i only keep some bread, butter, jam, cerial, coffee, tea, milk, jogurts and sometimes i freez chicken. thats it. it keeps me safe. i eat everything tho. if i feel like chocolate, i go buy it, same with any other treats, but never buy them just for a case i will feel like treats.
i try to stay away from my family because i know i get the worse there. i still lie to them and steal food. i dont wanna do that. but over there i do, so last few weeks i stand up for myself and dont go over there, i dont hang out with people who make me feel bad in any way. but i still hit the ground often.

how to take care of yourself without feeling guilty is a big question.
i now feel sorry for my bulimia, i dont let her destroy me tho she trys so so hard.
i have been living with her for 13 year and now we are breaking up, i am sure she will miss me more than i will miss her. i picture bulimia in my head as a green monster with big eyes and fluffy arms and short legs. she used to be so giant but not she is getting shorter, every day. and those big eyes are begging me to keep ger alive. you know it is like killing a fly......your life will be mush much better without that annyoing fly buzzing around you and you ll get some sleep, but still,y ou just killed a fly. or a bee, or musquito or any little thing.
at least i cant kill those animals without feeling bad. i actually usually dont kill them but send them outside, but when i do, i feel shitty abit about it. and now i feel the same with killing bulimia.
bulimia tho has always been there for me, whenever people diappointed me, she was there, waiting for me. never left me alone. she became part of me, all of my decitions were made due to my bulimia. my whole life im living now is because of bulimia. without bulimia, i'd be different person, i wouldnt know as much as i know now, i wouldnt be that creative as i am now....im not saying i wouldnt be who i am at all, but i'd be different because there were so many many chances to take and i missed them because i was too ugly to go out, to attend the meeting, to go party, to meet new people, to go overseas....so many. and all of those lost chances would bring different experiance. and now im pretty happy with mylife.
with who i am and what i have.
when theres no bulimia around, i appreciate my relationship, friendship, job, expreiances so so much I would never change a thing. but when bulimia comes, i wanna change every single thing about myself. starting with a face.

is it strange i kind of feel grateful to grew with bulimia?
bulimia recovery showed me who i really am, have woken me up almost fully and made me much better person. i understand people more now, nature more, life more. i keep faith and hope and cant wait to be trully trough, but so far i know there are uniqe benefits came out of my bulimia battle.
I would never knew things i know now, could ntver treat my boyfriend the way i treat him now, and not even friends, i know that, i am so much more patience now and patience is the key to healthy relation-friendship and to the healthy self relationship. giving time and understanding someone else's emotions is the biggest treasure that not everyone can find it and so i am glad i am the one who did find it even tho it took me so so soooooo long but i am sure i will win the bulimia for good and there will only be an experiance.

makes me think: dont hate your eating disorders. try use it for your benefits. i am sure we have ED because we are inteligent and becase we feel world around us so much more than other people, which gives us some beauty and coming out of such struggle, im sure we cant be anything but beautiful peolple.