It is ok not to be ok

Sleepless night. Another strange dreams woke me up and as soon as I was awake, my mind got wild. thinking thinking thinking. thinking about work, relationship, friendships, bulimia, traveling....no way to shut my mind off. Gave up and got out of bed at 4. had shower, put my make up on, re-realized my face looks weird and I need hair dresser, re-learned my fave dress makes me look fat and had fight with the creacure in the mirror. Then I had a speech to invisable group of people, took out my deepest thoughts, listen to Jessie J - Who you are and it was 530 when I gave up fighting and finally felt better. Spoke to my boyfriend and had shared some good thoughts. Now dressed up and leg-warmers and wollen pullover reminded me fall is my favorite season. yesterday I started counting down days until my bday. I love my bday!!!
Now off to work. Dear god, give me strength to keep strong and make the best of today.
It is ok not to be ok.


next day:
my yesterday was exchausting. had challenging day at work, oh my some people are just a mess!!! but i did survive. had good times with my kids, now i am teaching them about emotions. every chance I get, we go deeper into theil little big selves and try to figure out what is happening in there.
it was funny yesterday I made my 6 yr old cladd draw with the music, they needed to close their eyes and go with the feeling. random music, from rock to pop and later on to clasic opened up much. when mozart, nice soft song, all the kids changed theiir colors and started drawing nicely, but one boy got stuck with black and he draw a line everytime the piano sound came out, it was like he was playing a piano. at the end the picture was a bit wild, like he listened to the metal music and one girl yelled: "ms, he has wrong feelings!!!"  hahah no honey, he doesnt have wrong feelings, these are his feelings.
see, how easily we judge others. later we also danced with eyes closed with music on and they started talking that music makes them sad, happy, calm etc.
and during the recess, there was one girl who I spoke about jealousy with, a month ago i believe, and she said: "I am jealous again. I dont know what to do!" haha now they run to me when they have some emotional happening within. I led her deep to her self and asked her questions, did little therapy with her. at the end, she huged me and told me she loves me.
Apart from kids, work sucked yesterday and really felt awful. therapy was good, my doctor told me I couldnt be working better on myself from how am working now. made me feel happy.
tho I annouced to everyone I am slowly finishing my rehab, I was reminded that there is planty of work to be done still and that now I am in the most sensitive mode according to my rehab. I am feeling lot better and I am feeling alove, I can do things so I can easily be mistaken that I have recovered where I actually am not. doctor said lots of people get screwed this at this stage since they believe they are not sick any more and they start running, jogging or doing any other sport and never let bulimia completely go.
well, at this time bulimia is pretty much determent it will show me she is not done with me. I am feeling much better comparing to several months ago and I think I cant even comare now and a year ago, but has been three weeks since I have been struggling, last 10 days more intensive.
 not to mention this week.
my only thought is I am ugly and fat. my second thought is to plan how to stop eating. I wanna stop eating. I feel like I have gained 10 kg at least. I am assuming that because I am mentaly not strong also my body is tired and got blown a bit. I promised myself I will wait until the end of the week, try to sleep lots and take care of myself, my body and my mind, before I totally panic and freak out. maybe, when I stabalize a bit, I will get back to my "feeling good shape".

I am still in "not ok" mode.
I am so grumpy, in such bad mood. I am nervous and everything annoys me. today, i dont know how I survived the day. I woke up so tired tho I slept well, but I felt like crying because I was still exhausted but needed to go work. big headache started before eight and didnt let go. I didnt feel like going to work, it was so so soooooo hard for me to say goodbye to my boyfriend. soon I realized my bad mood wasnt there for nothing, day at work was just shit. i felt awful and upset, didnt even enjoy the kids that much. needed to control myself very much not to give them bad looks, I have a blackout from most of the day. tho i got to finish two big slices of chocolate cake and two slices of pizza and huge chicken salad with all the fattening shit inside. I felt giant and now I feel sorry for my body.
I am in a mode where I dont trust anyone and also at work I only see enemies. tho they arent, i can tell. teachers are nice to me but we have two faced director and it is just not a right time for him to play his games. oh well. I kept quite most of the day, didnt care much for anything. I kept alone if only possible, didnt wanna talk to anyone. yesterday I showed very much of myself when I freaked out because of one teacher and I wanna pull myself back now. I dont want them to know my warnable side. also the director said in my face he appreciate I am so passionate about it but today another teacher told me he said I reaceted very strong. I dont give a shit it doesnt matter it is just irritating. I could complain now hours and hours.
I hope half of it is only because of my current condition and I ll be back on a track next week.
When I made it home I thought again I will just cry. I was in a black out mode, not really sure what I did.
lay down on a bed and closed my eyes, felt sorry for myself and felt the tiredness of all those emotions and happening at work and at rehab. it aint easy. i know I had a thought to give up everything. quit the job and rehab, just shut myself down, close the windows and lock the doors and not come out of the house until I rest myself. I would vomit vomit vomit and eat purging pills. so badly wanted. I know I spent an hour thinking how I better start dietting. To set the  goal and just start starving. I wanna be skinny. everyone is skinny. everyone!!!! I am so tired!!
wanted to cancle my riding lesson but for some reason I was too lazy to do it and I felt like I will be sorry later. I spent so much time making a decidion whether to go or stay at home. I desperately needed sleep and rest but at same time I needed something to make me forget about myself, my work and my bulimia . I really enjoy horses. so I made a deal with myself...if I feel bad after a lesson, I am not going tomorrow and will take day off tomorrow. but after a great hour of riding I cannot wait for tomorrow to do it again. I was so good today, made my body move and made my mind be quite. patting a horse and being part of the nature is just what gave me so much energy. I feel good now, awake and not tired at all.

I made my lunch for tomorrow, was chicken with pepper and wanted to use beans or pees but something in my head didnt let me put any carbos in. it told me to keep it plane and simple, so I can start with my diet. well, the meal tastes delicious, but my head feels tired from this shit.
I am not ok.
ok, now at least I know I am in a bad mood, few months ago I had no clue whats happening and just got depressed. but I cant see anything positive at the moment.
the positive machine just shut down. anything that is bright, colorful, happy and in any kind of way positive doesnt touch me, doesnt come inside me. I dont hear it I dont see it, I dont want it.
today one teacher asked me to join her on a road trip on sunday. felt nothing. but it actually was a great comliment that she wants to hang out with me and get to know me better. I know two weeks ago I would acknowledge it, smile and let my boyfriend know:) but today, nothing! also she said: "I never get a chance to tell you but you are the most amazing person with kids I have ever seen! kids love you. you are like a magnet to them!" again: felt nothing! said thanky you for saying it! but that was about it.
I imagine my body with a line in the middle, half of it is positive and half of it is negative (lets say everything in life has some kind of its balance) and those two parts are like 24/7 factory. but thistime the positive factory shut down. well, we are coming back to work soon, but not now.

I really really need to take care of myself at this point. I need to be gentle with myself and give loads of love to myself. I dont have any time tho, but I can tell I need to take time and go back to basics!!
i am not functioning properly. ah!

Dear god, make me keep on going! thank you!

If its true that it is ok not to be ok, than I am ok because I know it is ok not to be ok!
thats a big step. I am not afraid of my current conditon, I know I am sipmly not ok and I exactly know what to do. thats nice ahievement!

good luck to all of you.
If I can, anyone can!!