consistency is the key

After terrible yesterday and a day before and a day before and a day before, I seem to be back on a track.
went to bed early, it happened for the first time in my relationship life time I chose to go to sleep before seeing my boyfriend. for the sake of both of us. the decition was hard but much needed. I got up for the first time this week not tired and annoyed. day at school was also very nice, I enjoyed my kids so much again. Yesterday, when I didnt enjoy them it was very lost day. they have so much to give. so proud of them!!!
Today one mother talked to me:
 "how old are you? 16? yoiuo really are able to come to childrens level. it is amazing. you are born to work with kids!"
"lol 26 actually!"
"oh my, really?? do you have your own kids?"
"no, not yet. but I have those bugs here!"
"I have never seen such thing before, all this pure love for kids coming out of you. where do you get all this energy?"
"from them!"
"you are an angel!"

then another father passed me, called my name and said. "you are incredible!"

It did feel good! I am so glad people can see my love for kids. I dedicate myself to them. They are my biggest teachers. They remind me of my good deeds as they remind me of my mistakes. they make me better person!
Their little big world is such a restful place. They make me smile, laugh and they make me so proud!!
ah, I could talk about my kiddos on and on!!!
So many funny stories and to see them grow healthy with my help is just such a blessing! I know from my experiance how easily you can screw up a child  so being aware of the power I have is a gift I got from God.
Discovering their emotions and placing them in a right place is just such a wonderful mission!
Their love, and yah, they all love me, is what keeps me going.
I owe them so much!!! Their touch is the softest thing you can feel on your skin and their voices (if only they dont whine, which is not that rare lol) is really nice melody. That might sound too poetic but am telling you the true story.
When you get a child who doesnt speak at all and you are the only person that makes him open up, wow, such a blessing. to hear this child' voice for the first time....undecribable.
When you see a child cry for the first time when he is 6, and you know it is because of you working on his emotions for so long, you cry alonng with him! when a child eats in the classroom for the first time, you just go kiss him. or when a child uses the bathroom for the forst time in 3 years of schooling, you just call his mom and celebrate his fist pee and poo! and deep down you know it is because of you, tho you never actually feel any pride and you never give any credits to yourself.

Yah yesterday I decided to give myself some time, not to panic, and today I am so happy I made that decition. my body calmed down and so did my mind.
(my tip for you: never ever panic!!!) 

Things have settled down today, sooner than I thought they will. it is always like this. but if we panic pefore and binge and purge and lose our mind, we dont get to see life doesnt hate us.

So again, dont panic!! give yourself some time!!

Out there, behind that dark wall you put up, there is life.
you might not believe me and I know how it feels when you dont believe things will ever get better, things will ever change, but there is life out there, diferent from depression and suffering. there is your strenght waiting for you! true story!
life gets messy sometimes and you fear a lot and fear makes you weak and blind you....thats something you cant avoid, but if you are consitant, you get stronger. consistancy is the key!!

Be consistant.
minute by minute!! little step by little step. but at one point u look back and u see u actually moved forward.

slow progress is the only real progress. you can always change now, you can changewho you are...you just buy new clothes, change a music in your car, change your language, but at the end of the day, you are still the same shitty person you were in the morning.
I was so afraid I will come out of my bulimia very bitchy and totally different, that I will not recognize myself and I will like different things. but nowdays I am realizing my life changed a lot in away, but I am still the good old me that I remember I was when I enjoyed myself. I still terribly love reggae music, i still love colors, dress up crazy, still love to travel, still keep my alternative way of living....my real me didnt change at all. I am not bitchy I am even nicer, I am not selfish and I am not lazy. and I am so happy now that my progress is so slow. I think I told you once I was sure my rehab will look something like:
 "hey doctor, I have bulimia!"
"ok here are antidepressant pils and I am your psychiatrist! do this and this and this and come back next week. /..../ not do this and this and this, and come back next week/..../ now do this and this and continue it for next four weeks and come meet me again!/..../ ok well done, you are now bulimia free!"
yah my ass, not go! and after 14 months of rehab I still struggle with believing Im fat and ugly, I still dislike myself and I still wanna lose weight, but after 14 months of my rehab, I every week realize I have so much to work on still and I am looking forward to next progress, whenever it happens.
take it easy, it is just life.

I knkow it sounds too easy and we all know it is everything but easy, but trust me, at one point it gets much easier, or like the quote goes (thank you *tina*) "It is not that it gets easier, but you get stronger!"
but thats a holy truth.

and never forget: "when you feel lost, make sure you go back to basics!!"
thats the thought that saved my ass so many times lately!!
steal it and use it!!!!

find your basics! for me my basics are: sleep, regular meals, quitness.
slow down. take your time and enjoy yourself!!

I am sure you are gorgeous. if you weren't, you wouldnt have eating dissorders. you'd be confused bitch somewhere in the town! ^
struggling with ED  means only one thing: you are highly inteligent and you do feel world around you. think about that.