I am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d!!!!
Only four-day sleep can save me now!
My body is shaking, so tired it is. I cant take one more step. I cant get enough sleep and my mind is overloaded, I dont know which day is it, I counted October 7th twice, literally faught with anyone who claimed Monday was the 8th and not the 7th.
When I wake up in the morning I am a zomby, I make myself a coffee literally asleep. I am lost in space.
I lost a grip and I think I am working and doing too much, not taking any rest, not spending any quality time with myself. I dont take care of myself or I struggle so much to do basic things with my body.
I dont take proper showers, I just quickly wash myself. My hair were dirty for so long time before I finally had time to wash my hair and dry them up.
not to whine, I know I am not the only one busy on the world, but I am full time busy and full time on a rehab. Since I have been told my boyfriend cheated on me which caused huge emotional schock, I seem to run away from my emotions now. if I can get busy, I will set up new thing on my agenda just to keep busy and so I dont have time to dig through my emotions.
Tomorrow Im having dental surgery - price of 12 year bulimia - and so I wont go to work for at least two days. It is not that I dont like my wokk, but I am so so excited about those two days off, to stay at home, do nothing and just be!
today at work one teacer asked me if I get any time off during the day, I said no. she was like NO NO No!!!! "you MUST have an hour off!!! dont use your body up!" she said.
I always say I cant keep my kids alone as they can struggle much and get naughty. but I think she is right. I am dedicating myself to them, I am 100% at all times and not only for my kids, for the whole school.
I have a reprutation of the best and the nicest teacher tho, I won harts of practicly all the kids, but I am still tired.
not during the day tho, I feel powerful and also when I come home, I actually feel very good and I have lots of energy from my kids, but honestly, there is no time for my rehab if I am too tired and not organized with my time. And not being 100% dedicated to myself, I cant win my bulimia. and there is also my social life, my relationship and my friends.
Oh well, I have been doing pretty well before I went offroad three weeks ago and I better go back, before is too late.
when I lay down to my bed, i feel my body aching and screaming: "stoooooooop!!! let me reeeeest. give me some healthy meals, give me some sleep, just shut up and give me a break!!!"
my back hurts, my legs hurts, my shoulders hurts, my head hurts, my everythiiiiiiiiiing hurts so bad!!!
I need to stop and go back to breathing only.
I need to go back to taking care of myself, my body and my mind.
I need to.
I am excited about that times, but first I need good quality sleep!
Reeeeeeeeeeeest!!!!!!
leave me alone. let me be in quitness and darkness, I need a rest!
but I seem to cross the line already.
I feel like I have to do something at all times, otherwise that voice in my head calls me LAZY!!
until last day it called me FAT, but then I put my throusers on and they were too big, so for that cheap reason I got happy and didnt feel fat any more, but since then, I have been called lazy.
Voice wants me to keep on going.
do this and this and this and go there and there and do that and that and stay awake and shower and clean up and go horse riding and meet your friend and get ready for tomorrow and go to the therapy and do some crafts and go shopping and aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! fucker!!!
leave me alone!
I am not lazy, I am not lazy, I am not lazy!!!
I will totally go sleep at 8 today.
(to my face, I will not be able to miss my boyfriend!)
but my new tip for you: before you freak out, get rest!
Bodi ponosna na sebe, da se kljub vsemu, kar se je zgrnilo na tebe, še držiš nad gladino. Super ti gre! Jaz sem na žalost podlegla... v ponedeljek... in v torek... se borim, pa si ne znam niti predstavljat, kako bom preživela današnji dan. Verjetno notranji boji z mojim "zlobnim jazom" iz minute v minuto... počutim se grozno, ker se mi zdi, da spet drsim v tisto smer, kamor se nisem imela več namena vrniti... pa tako dobro mi je šlo! :( Hočem upat, ostat optimist... pa se mi zdi to danes tako grozno težko. Upam.. na boljše dni. Drži se, good luck na OP dones xx
ReplyDeleteno no no honey!! dont think that way. it is not about you have to be super optimistic if you wanna get well and not let yourself slip time to time. NO!
ReplyDeletewhen you really really hit the ground it is hard to keep the positive attutude up! you cant. so dont expect from yourself to be strong and positive all the time. it is important only that you hold your pain, lay down and ask bulimia why it freaked out and what is its problem. let it tell you, show you! be with that ugly feeling, be down, be pesimistic, be upset!! but BE!! set time for how long you let will let yourself be down and just be. then slowly lift your head up. normalno je da si bruhala. men se je na zacetku koncstantno dogajal da sm kozlala pa mi je blo grozn k sm kr misla da ko se pac enkrat spravis na konkretno zdravljenje nehas kozlat. ampak se spomnem da je rekla zdravnica da eni ljudje hitr napredk nardijo z bruhanjem in hrano, pa jim gre galav pocasi, enim gre glava hitro pa se dolgo bruhajo, ampak nikol ne gre skupi, ker je nemogoce. jst sm pomoje una k ji gre glava pocasi pa je slo burhanje mal hitreje in prehrana. uglavnm moj point je da cimprej spremeni to new age fake razmisljanje, da mors bit pozitivna in mocna in nevem kak bulshit se. ne! pozabi na pozitivo. samo veckrat na dan se spomni da si vseeno res zelis se pozdravit ampak ne prcakuj od sebe, da nos pa kr skoz top shit dobre volje brez kozlanja. mislm sej vse to verjetno ves in ti nebi smela kj pametovat ampak moje zadnje odkritje je blo glih to. vedno sm zivela s to idejo da je pozitivn attitude vse, ampak sm se zdj naucila da to ni res.
Hvala *hug* Zdele sem res v precej slabem stanju - predvsem psihicno me je dotoklo, sploh, ko sem za*** se vcerej... Res, totalna beda - kot da prej vseh tistih "pridnih" tednov sploh ni blo in sem spet totalno v podnu... Sploh nimam energije, volje, da bi se borila. Tolk mi je brez smisla vse. Crn dan in crne misli... brez svetle lucke na koncu tunela.
ReplyDeleteja i know what u mean. take time to feel bad, be with that bad feeling. its ok.
ReplyDeletevse je ok. tisti dobri dnevi so se vedno tukaj in te cakajo. vse je ok. prisluhni crnim mislim, bodi s crnimi dnevi, amoak si omeji cas, naprimer do konc tedna, pol bos pa si dva dni vzela za pozitivo, lep pocitek, prjatle, spehod, karkoli te veseli. talk to your bulimia, make deals. deluje, preverjeno.
Kolk zlo bi ti rada verjela... Verjetno ti je poznan obcutek, ko se ti zdi, da itak VSI zmorejo, samo ti si tak luzer, da ti ne bo uspelo... nikol! Sploh ne razumem, kako se clovek lahko pocuti iz danes na jutri tko za 360° drugace. Iz ful happy v total disaster... Bom res kdaj bolje? SPLOH kdaj?!
ReplyDeleteseveda mi je poznan obcutek. jst se po 14 mescih zdravljenja in dokaj solidnega napredka skor vsak torek na terapiji sparsujem zdravnico: "kaj pa ce jst nebom nikol ok?" vsem bo ratalo samo men ne. pa mi rece,da lepse ko delam s sabo sploh neboi mogla delat. pa si mislm, ok kul....cez dva dni pa spet....kako, sj sm bla se prejsn tedn ok, kva me jebe zdj neki!!?!?!
ReplyDeleteglih zdj sm v obdobju, ko me prakticno napada bulimija, in mi ni pou kurca jasno, me je mogu fant spomnit kaj se dogaja, da je to bulimija.
vse to je normalno, k se dogaja. pejt v ta obcutek da si edina ti grozna in da ti ne bo ratalo. pejt, nej ti pokaze, zakaj ti to govori. verjetno bos sla bruhat, its ok! bos vsaj vedla da ti to govori samo zato, ker hoce dosezt svoje na wc, pac se je hotla skozlat (bulimija) .... tko res vsak vsak majcen trenutek steje, itak je blo pr men tko, da je biu napredek tko pocasen, da sploh nism vidla, da napredujem. ampak tko reeeeeeeees pocasen. en dan kul, pet dni bad....ampak pocasi se postavi ravnovesje. in ponavadi, vsaj z mano je se tko, da sm lahko bla 3 mesce prakticno sijoca, pol pa 3 tedne nekega dreka in glih dans sm piskala tipu, da je vse skupi drek. pa se mi je sam smeju. hocm rect, vem, da negativen obcutek vedno posplosi vse stvari. vsaj pr meni je to zelo zelo ocitno. ampak vse to je normalno. pa pocivaj veliko! ogrooooooooomno!!!xxxxxxx ce hoces bit ok, bos ok!
Tukej mas pa popolnoma prav... lohk je VSE kul ZLO dolg casa, pa tega sploh ne bom znala cenit, da to bi itak tko moglo bit.. ko bo pa kak dan, dva v podnu, mi bo pa tko, kt da je VSE cist brez veze. Cist se mi svet sesuje. Kr da zarad par dreves ne bi mogla vidt celga gozda... Pocitek bi verjetno res vsaj malo pomagal - zadnji tedni so bli res naporni in dejansko je vse se stokrat slabse, ce je clovek cist sesut... Se bom vsaj poskusla danes malo prej spravit v posteljo, da pridobim kako urco spanja vec. Sreca, da je petek jutri in potem vikend. Mogoce se mi pa res uspe malo spocit. In pa... mogoce bi tud jz mogla razmislit o kaksni terapiji?
ReplyDeleterazmisli o terapiji. mene je blo strah, da bom polna sranja in se bom zacela lagat in zmisljevat, pa sm si takoj na zacetku obljubila, da neglede na to kaksna bo resnica, je zdravnica tam zato da me poslusa in z mano nima nic. tko da se vedno veselim novega termina in sm zelo iskrena in mi pomaga, saj me pomalo brca v rit. ko bi jst ze petkrat sama sebe diagnozirala da bulimiafee me spomni, da imam se veliko dela. je ena konstanta v zivljenju in za mene je bla terapija prva stvar, na ketro sm sla, tut ce sm bla utrujena. poznam pa punce, k so hitro obupale in niso ble iskrene in jim je tezko zdj razmisljat spet o terapiji. to sam tolko za v razmislek. moznosti mas pa ogromno, jst sm se pac ustalila pr privat psihiatrinji, bla sm na skupinski terapiji pa mi ni ustrezala tko da najdi nekaj, kar ti res ustreza. xxx if you wanna get rid of bulimia for good, go deep!
ReplyDeleteTaka podpora mora biti res neprecenljiva - sploh ker ti je uspelo s terapevtko razvit tak odprt in predvsem iskren odnos. Mogoce je v taki terapiji res lazje biti iskren. Sem poskusila tudi jaz s skupinsko terapijo (ze kar nekaj casa nazaj), pa mi ni slo. Tezko je spregovorit o grdi resnici pred tolko ljudmi... Vsaj meni to ne gre. Ti je terapevtko svetovala tvoja osebna zdravnica ali si iskala sama?
ReplyDeleteja je neprecenljiva, ker kmalu med prijatelji ni prostora za tvojo bulimijo in nujno rabis nekoga, komur lahko vse poves in kasneje, ko zacnes zivet, je tut pomembno da mas nekoga, komur se lahko pohvalis....ker ja, nic od teega nemores nardit neglede na to kolk je folk kul. vsaj z mano je tko. poiskala sm jo sama, sicer jo placujem. sm rabla kr neki casa da sm ji zaupala, sm bla prepricana ene pou leta, da mi hoce samo slabo, sploh ko je zacela govort, da se morm distancirat od druzine in da moja druzina ni kul. to mi je blo najtezi, ampak ker mi je terappija pomagala, sm ostala in si zdj ne znam predstavljat brez. poskusi najt nekaj, in ja, men je individualna terapija boljsa, ker pac morm ful o seb govort in rabiim ful pozornosti. ce rabis kao pomoc pr iskanju oz kontakt, mi javi pa ti posljem. x vse bo ok na koncu: at the end, everything will be alright, if its not alright it is not the end.!! xxx
ReplyDeleteSej dejansko mora bit tezko kr enmu zaupat... sploh ce ti govori cist kontra, kot ti verjames. Verjetno rabis velik casa, da prides do tega, da ti v bistvu hoce dobr in ma tisto, kar ti govori, en smisel... nujno pa rabis nekoga, s katerim lahko VELIKO govoris o bulimiji. Ker moras dat vse te misli ven iz sebe. Prjatlov (tistim, ki pac sploh vejo, kako je s tabo) pa res ne mores v nedogled morit s tem, pa itak... niti ne morjo dosti narest. Ker tezko razumejo, tudi ce se trudijo. Ja drugac pa, ce ti res ni odvec - bom vesela kksnga kontakta.
ReplyDeleteti poljem kontakte kat tukaj gor.
ReplyDeleteTukaj gor? :)
ReplyDelete