Emotions

Its my the happiest weekend, I have my dog with me!!
She keeps me so happy and I do miss her when I dont see her for some time.
She has made me walk lots, go to bed early and wake up even earlier.
She made ma laugh in the middle of the night when she hopped on my bed, wanted to sleep with me and she sleeps like a big human being. lol she wanted cuddles and as soon as I stopped, she cried. I didnt sleep well tho, she kept me awake, but it was so much fun. was 6am when she was ready to go for a morning walk, I wasnt, but once we were outside, it was wonderful. the air was so fresh and the grass was wet, was very peaceful and calm. I got to move my body a bit which made me feel alive.
Now we are back home, she is asleep and I am watching her sleep. wondering: "oh my gosh, that dog there is alive! she is a nature. she is life. I can touch her. she expressed herself and she keeps me warm! oh my god, thats incredible!"
Thank you, my sweet doggy!!

I have a good feeling about today. The full moon is over, energy is settling down, life will move on peacefully.
At least thats what I think.
last two weeks have been emotionally very difficult. I thought it was just me, but when I spoke to some of my friends, they all said they feel emotionally tired and not that well. so yah, I blame moon.

 But its a new moon, which means new energy. plus, there is fall already, nature has callmed down, people arent that wild anymore. it is time for all of us to heal.
It is time to stop a bit, take a breath and think, what life means for us? Take time and join the nature, take time and join yourself. take time to think warm and give warmth to someone who needs it. Take time and have warm cup of tea with your bestfriend. take time and let your beloved ones you love them. I believe this is what fall is all about!!! to catch up with yourself, with your breath and with nature.
I absolutely love fall. last couple of falls I dont remember since I was either in Afrca or stuck inside, depressed. This is my first fall after three years that I am ware of it and feeling it. I wish people would know what I am talking about from their own experiance, but most of them that I meet they still cry for summer and they complain about the cold and rain.
well, I dont like summer and I feel lonely at that time, and people dont get it, how come I feel alone during summer where summer is the season when heaps is happening and everyone loves everyone. well, thats why. so I understand not everyone loves fall, sure, but I am wondering.... do they have any other season which brings some peace and calm in their lives? it doesnt need to be fall, but any!
I see so much pain in people! so many people walk around hurt inside. So many people in pain. Do you see them? They are caught with their hate, negativity, anger, jealousy. So many people hurt inside.
I wish I had a super power and be able to poke them enough so they find a way to let those painful emotions out. but i dont. my brother seems to be very hurt inside, it is killing me watching him but not being able to come closer. he is so untouchable. so absent.
well, I cant change anyone, I can only make you think! but some people dont hear anything. nah. they dont even hear bit of my story. bit of someone elses story. they are caught in their unpokeable bubble and life is passing them by.
I see so much anger. Anger was the only feeling I remember from a year ago that I could recognize in my body. the only. jealousy, sadness, loneliness, love, fear, anxiety, nervousness.... all went out though the anger.
I only got to devide jealousy from "anger" after 5 months of rehab, and later came sadness and a bit later fear. Now I am able to recognize those emotions, after 14 months of rehab but not sure about love and trust. I dont know what does it mean that you trust someone and how does it feel you love someone'? but im getting there I guess.
And yah, when see all those angry people, angry for no reason....well, it is not true they are angry for no reason, it is just they dont recognize whether they are sad, jealous, scared....
I mean anger is what I see the most, but I am sure there are also people who are most of the time jealous, or nervous.... and it doesnt mean they are chronically jealous/nervous etc but they might be upsat, disapointed or so whatever and they just dont recognize it. in my opinion.
People dont go deep, they are not aware of theirselves and all the beauty of being alive.
(*just my opinion*)
and most of them will die not knowing the difference between anger and jealousy, fear and sadness....
this messed up idea of what is going on within us is very much rooted  within and it is with us most of our lives.
as a teacher I can see and feel the power of teaching my kids about feelings and emotions.
they all come to me messed up and when they are sad they hit and pull hair, when they are angry they yell, when they are jealous they are angry....... and it is me who goes down to thir level and help them go deep enough so they tell me what is going on and after they say it out, I name their emotion. I might fuck up easily.
If a girl, who is actually jealous (which is together with anger the most basic emotion in early childhood) come to me with her issue and I name it "anger" she will grow up believing that she is angry with her friend because she has a new friend and not jealous, I will screw up a kid.
and being aware of that power of teaching them about thir feelings and teach them also negative feelings are as good and as imporatant as positive, has given me totally new insight.
at one point I realized every time I am sad, I yell and get very bitchy.
I asked myself: "who the fuck thought me what the sadnes mean?"
oh, should be my parents.
I also remember my elementary teacher did loads of shit to us. but thats how i grew up, and most of you grow up this way. if you go deep enough, you realize you have no clue what is happening within yourself.
And because you are confused, cannot touch the unknown and untouchable thing, you find something you can touch..... your body/food.
isnt it sad?
It took me a year of intensive fucking hard rehab to realize this, although my doctor told me this thing at first meeting. she said: "you dont have a problem with sandwich, you have problem with your feelings!"
"NOOOO!!! you are so wrong, doctor!! I only lose some weight and I will be back on a track! From tomorrow on!!"
I told you I got to lose 2 sizes but I still hated myself just like I did, when I had 70 kg. if not more since at that point I was even more confused. It is just now, few months that I calmed a little bit, before summer and I remember also in july, I was losing my mind literally from this difficutlt recovering. I was sure it is not leading anywhere, i didnt see any of my progress, but as I mentioned once...... progress is so slow and almost invisable, but one day you just wake up and meet a situation where you dont bing, you dont purge, you dont cry and you dont yell. you calmly face it and deal with it.
for me it was like it came from no-where, because I dont give myself any credits (and I am sure most of you doesnt too) but then I met another situation when I survived and another and another and then I got it... "Oooooh, rehab is paying off!"

I dont know how I made it this way, writing out of context lol
but I  started writing yesterday and then fell asleep, today  am continuing, with different mood.
I am actually very grumpy.
I had bizarre dreams. I dreamed I was pregnant, it was so real. I woke up in a schock. fuck. didnt start the day happy. then spoke to boyfriend and I just wasnt really present. left for work. realized one teacher lost huuuuuuuge amount of weight which was total knock down. I felt HUGEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I still do!!! so huge like I gained 15 kg! so so sad and so grumpy, so upset and so nervous. I hate myself for being fat.
tahts my superficial feeling. I am angry with myself for being fat. I am upset sooooooo badly! everyone, but seriously everyone from that point on became very very skinny in my mind. every perent I met, every teacher I saw, everyone skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnny!!! I hate skinny!!!!!

but I am really fat? am I really mad at myself for being fat or there is something else behind? I can tell without thinking there is a waterfall of emotion hiding behind and I amnot sure I am ready to let them go now.
I better take time and do my homework.
Lay down on your bed, go to your emotons, go to your body. where do those emotions come out? how does it feel on your body?


At the moment my legs are cold, my face is huge, it is burning. I feel like grabbing if and just wanna throw it to someone. my fingers are chabby and thighs are warm, almost like I feel blood moving. in my stomac, I am so nervous that I feel like yelling. My heart is beating fast and now I dont feel legs anymore, all went up to my face. such a preasure. making me cry. im shaking, so nervous I am. I cant listen to TV, I feel like throwing something in it. i just did! all the preasure moved from my face to my chests and down to stomach. its burning. now going down to my legs and feet. my feet are sweating and my knees are cold. now I dont feel anything. my body shut down. now all is back to my face. I am pulling my face apart I want it to disappear. I dont want this face. I am feeling sick to my stomach. its such a huge knot in my stomach, coming up my throat. everything stinks. Im feeling like vomiting.

...........

....................................


stage 3 in a same post:
After going into my feeling, after letting myself feel I lost it for a while. the ache just took control over my body. I cried a river. when my alarm went off (my doc says I nshould always set alarm for half an hour) I was so nervous in my stomach and in my mouth. I was so nervous I started throwing things around the place. Hated everything. To make sure those emotions dont take controle over, I went out. Didnt know where, just needed to take off. I thought small chocolate is what i need so went to the stor buy it. I couldnt make up my mind whether to buy it or not. "yes no yes no yes no yes no!" went my mind. "buy two. dont buy any. buy two. dont buy any. buy two. dont buy any!" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! bitchhhhhhhhhh!!!!! leave me fucking aloooooooooone!!!!! is just small chocolate!!! so I got small busicuit cake and had another fight: "eat it, dont eat it. eat it, dont eat it. eat it, its ok. dont eat it, you are fat!" 
you know that moment??
but since I control my situation more, I said: "fuck it, i really feel like this chololate!"
I set in my car, very very very sad. I dont remember being that sad for ages. just simple sadness!!!
I finished my little chocolate and all of a sudden I went blank. I dont know how I managed to drive, dont know where did I go, but suddenly I ended up on the other side of the town, feeling evenmore fat and awful because I ate that chocolate. so bulimic. bitch!!!
I cant take that teacher who lost weight out of my mind. because of her my mind is screaming: "stoooooooooooop eating!!!!!!!! stop eating!!!!! stop the fuck eatiiiiiiiiiing!!!!"
I set in the park, took all the feelings with me, asked them not to be too loud because I need some space, but they can sit next to me.
I called my boyfirend, it brought me a bit back to the earth, but soon I got lost in the space again.
I am sure its just such day and that teacher woke up something inside me, thats why all those FAAAAAAAAAATTTT and UUUUGLY feelings! It is part of me that isnt healed yet.
it is part of me believing, everyone is better looking and losing weight is a sign of power!
I still believe that strongly.
Sure I will take care of happening and not letting myself sink, I went home and had long, hot shower. Hot shower was like a warm hug from Life. it did wash some of the stress away. but being naked in this stage wasnt really encouraging. faaaat, so fat is the creature in the mirror. so fat and gross, so loose and cellulite.
ugly.
i dont know where this world is going but all the mommies are sooooooooo skinny. like sick skinny. i dont know what they do. just today in a bakery I saw another one with a baby not more than 6 months old but she didnt have more than 45kg. at our school all of them are mentally skinny. all of them. we have two moms a bit chubby, no "normal size" and the rest is just half od my size. I am not lying!! true story.
when I count skinny mommies, at first i feel awful but then I think to myself "you know what, screw it. I dont give a fuck dow do they look like half of them has their own issues and another half is as sick as I am. maybe few are naturally skinny. fuck it. i cant control them!" and I shut my eyes.
but days like this are awful. they are all I see.

but now I am stronger, so its 830 pm and I am all set in bed, ready to finish this day, I am totally dont with it. good bye, you are past now. praying for better tomorrow.
hopefully I realize what is my problem these days.

good luck to you all.
I know it feels like shit when bulimia comes around. it is shit. you cant control it. its much stronger. but do protect yourself. your body is just being abused. help him. go sleep. tomorrow is a now day, new energy. and if tomorrow is the same, be gentle, go sleep again. x