If I die today...

You know, I have never really felt the seriousness of my illness, tho I was told I might not live more than five years.
 All those years I spent behind four walls, binging and purging, shitting and hating myself, but I  never believed I have a serious issue. I always believed there are people out there suffering much more than me. yah, they are, and they do suffer much more than I do, but the thing is "I SUFFER"!
Also once I was finally diagnosed for eating disorders, I though my condition isnt that bad and there are people out there dealing with even strobger bulimia. Things like this dont happen to average people like myself. noup.
I remember when I searched online about bulimia I came across one link on youtube. there was a lady talking about her experiance and she said: "I lost everything. i lost my hair, my teeth, my job, my houbant and eventually I lost my kids. Get help, you cant beat bulimia on your own!!"
I thouth to myself...what a poor woman, but I dont have such strong bulimia.
Then I finally fot help and after few hours with psychiatrist she said: "you reached the edge of bulimia. it cant get worse, next stage is death! your body is shutting down, there is no one bit of your body in a good condition."
I remember calling my mom after being diagnosed telling her: "they said something like my bulimia is fully developed and my body is shutting down!"
I really didnt know what they are saying, but today, after 16 months of rehab, when I sit here much healtier, I think to myself, how nice it feels to be painfree!! I never knew before, because that was the only way of life I knew. pain pain pain, ache ache ache! I didnt know how it feels to not have a kydney infection for more than three months, now is already my six motnth without any infection. 
Today, when i get to think more sober and when I think about my family, i get very scared. will I be able to have kids? doctors say not really, because of my cancer past and because of the damage bulimia did to my body. they say I will be able to get pregnanat but I will struggle loads to keep the baby.
but I cant think this way. they might br right but it also might be everything ok.
but what I am trying to say is: at this stage of life I really wish I was healthy!
I am happy the way I am and I dont think I will die in four years, I believe I am doing good. 
I am waking up, feeling things, understadnig things. feeling love. being loved and giving love. I appreciate things more. I have blessed job and some of the most maazing friends in my life.
there is another side of this story...it goes like this:
I have some of the most amazing friends in my life, but i dont trust anyone at this point. I appreciate things more, but still dont appreciate myself. I have blessed job, but (there is no but, job is brilliant), I am loved and I give love, but there is so many sleeples nigths doubting and  not loving myself. I am waking up, but part of me is still in a deep sleep. I am feeling things, yah, I do, and I am also feeling shit from some people. I understand things now, yes I really do, but I also understand there are some people not more than jerks. and they are still in my life.
so non of it (apart from job) is more than good, but you know what: If I die today, I'd die happy!!!!!