There is no hope for me.
Those voices I am bad person arent just sick voices of my bulimia, I really am!!
yesterday my car broke down and it was my fault because I didnt take care of it, didnt cchange oil when i was suppose to and so my cars engine passed away.
I can live with that, it would cost me loads of money to fix it and I could survive. telling the truth it is my fault also isnt that big deal but it was a huge deal when it came to my parents, especially father.
he started giving me hard times how lazy I am and not resposnible and I need to grow up and not take life so easy and on and on....and my first reaction was I lied to him that my car broke down from another reason and not because there was no oil in the machine.
Like I was 15. it is hard to admit your mistakes but if i cannot admit it I at least keep quite, but to my parents I always like. and so i lied yesterday with 26 years of age!!
so embaresing and so sad!!
when the mechanic told me what is the reason I just wanted to die.
so when spoke to my parents I just told them part of the reason and my father started preaching about my lame life again and just couldnt face it infront of him so the exit was: lie and run!
After he calmed down he started looking for new engines and really helped me out and I didnt have heart to whatch him spend time on me after I lied so this morning I told him the truth and apologized for lying.
I think he understood why I did it and wasnt upset, told me to calm down and not to cry that he will find the engine and will fix it. even asked me if i will have enough money and so.
when all this will be over?
I feel like i dont deserve a chance, respect or love!!!
All those people that love me.......................................they shuldnt. I am a curse!!
No matter how much Im trying to wash my guilt and be better person, there is that part of me, that is gone bad and stinks!
And no matter how I honestly talk about my lies full life, was too long that was a secret and I still feel like am hiding the ugly part of me.
I am so sad.
Im feeling so broken!!!
Im feeling like Im left in the icy water.
Im feeling like life has been testing me.
It waited for my fall break so I have more time to deal with things and more time to really understand what is its (life's) purpuse. I can clearly see what is it trying to achive.
each step I take I am being watched, each move I make I am watched closely.
Tko se pocutm k da me drka u glavo.
but isnt it ironic....i had speech in my mind what to say to my boyfriend how its time for him to run away from me as fast as possible because i am big fat ugly person, in tears tell him how awful Im feeling for lying to my father and my boyfriend just calmly listened and said: "you know babe, thats excatly what makes you such a great and big person. facing your mistakes. I am so proud of you!"
what do you mean???? am lying ass!!!
and same before when I coudnt live with myself anymore lying to my father (it is more about me not so much about him, but i dont wanna be a bad peoson full of shit anymore!!!) and so I had a scenario in my head how family will never talk to me again and how trough they are with me, quickly made did math I can survive with my salery so I dont need them.....and after i told my father I lied and apologized he was calm for the first time since i have known him and told me not to cry that he understands it was hard for me to admit he was right and there is no end of the world. i insisted it is the end of the world because I lied again and he kind of made joke saying something like "dear you were lying to me half of your life, today just ego was hurt!"
so twice in two days there was the world about to end, I was about to give up on rehab and run to the Mexico but at the end of the day, things fell into place and all is good, just like that.
zivlene pa pomoje klukce dela zravn a sm uspesno opravla nalogo al ne.
actually was three times in three days that wold almost collapsed in my head.........once it was because of boyfriends mother. I hurt her feelings with simply being myself..........................................and knowing she is feeling bad because of me ate me alive, for the whole day I was crying and crying and crying and called everyone I trust to come nanny me because I cant hold a puke in my stomach any longer but feel like vomiting. crazy. but at the end of the dramatic day and few emails with her, she calmed down and all is good again.
but all those situations seem just everyday shit to most of the normal people but for me personaly those are HUGE personal battels that push me to the edge and all i want is to give up on everything and disappear.
and has ben such a long time since I had the idea of giving up for the last time.
I need to take a deep breath!
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