I believe bulimia had time to catch up with me since before break I was very busy and it happened I ingnored my frustrations. So first day started in tears, and so did the second day, the third on and all the days until yesterday. yesterday was a first day without crying.
I felt like someone died and so the saddnes fulfilled my entire body. tears were running wild, in the morning, after my first coffee, after talking to my boyfriend, after walking my dog, after my car broke down.......all the freaking time. I felt so lonely and so sad.
After couple of crying days I realized something bigger is happening and it was quite obvious it is anouther episode. my last one was in germany last summer and the topic of the episode was jealousy. it took me three months to deal with that emoton, understand it and place it into the right place and so fear came out to be healed. fear of being alone, fear of not being understood and accepted. fear of being rejected and fear of being let down.
every episode seems to be the hardest, I always say so, because it is unknown area, but thisone invloved people as well which has made it even harder. I have been very bitter lately, when It came to people, they annoyed me easily and they reminded me how big asses most of them are.
people made me feel unsecure and made me feel bad about myself, i had some weird and hard situations I was draged in but all i wanted was to yell: "leave me the fuck alone!!"
I had unpleasant experiance with my boyfriends mother, with friends who cheated and with my father who decided to freak out again because I blew my car's engine up...non of it I needed! all I needed was some qualuty and creative time with myself, some of the favorite friends of mine and my boyfriend. period!
I needed rest and lots of sleep.
I got NO rest and hardly any sleep.
I didnt have time for myself and I got stuck at my parents place, crying and feeling wournable and very close to bulimia. I felt her breath on my shoulders, I felt her in my room and I felt her presence at the table and in the bathroom. I havent been that close to vomit since break down in germany. All I wanted was to vomit, I used all the close friends who I trust to come baby sit me or else I will puke so bad. vomit went back and forth like crazy and my body was in huge pain. headache made me cry, kidney made me crumpy, my teeth ached, stomach, musles and joints. I was pale even my father noticed and I had fever, probably from crying.
every little thing freaked me out and made me wanna puke. not to binge tho, which was odd. only to puke.
I felt guilty for every little shit and guitly took such control over me I really wanted to disappear.
but I could understand what is happening and I did understand how bulimia works.
I was so weak and I really reached the edge.
Every little shit that freaked me out ended up torturing me about my relationship: "he will leave you!"
that was the hardest bit. I had no faith and fear took control.
I was making speeches in my head how to let my boyfriend go because he deserves much better girlfriend.
Poor man couldnt go surfing because of my breakdowns but he kept calm at all times.
I dont know what had happened yesterday but in the afternoon I felt much better.
actually i know.
I was like a zombie in the morning and the entire afternoon as I had a friend over and also she was telling me her stories of cheating but she left yesterday afternoon. i do care about her but this week I simply wasnt ready to deal with anyone else's problems so I was relived when she left. after I met my dearest friend and she is always such a good energy bomb. she brought me so many hand made gifts and gifts from LA. she is one of my fave artists and she really loves me and respects me and I do feel good with her and very honoured she is my best friend. we had out artist evening with tea and some painting, lots of meaningfull conversations and lots of laughing. so that is what made me feel good I guess, my little artist moment since my artist is put on hold while I stay at my parents place.
I made it back to their place tho because they are all away and so I am dog sitter. When made it back I got email from my boyfriend he is going out for breakfast and will be back in an hour. I waited for him but he was an hour late. i freaked out totally!!! i am trying hard to take it easy and be easy girlfriend but yesterday i just snapped. coulnt keep calm.
I am so tired of people, and I cant stop thinking about how stupid they are.
i dont even know whaich people I am talking about as I have my boyfriend and lots of very much amazing friends, but all the others are pain in the ass but I am not even sure if I could name them at this point. I just know I am annoyed by people that dont fit to my "favorite friends and byfriend" space.
I cant keep up.
I am still in a huge need of living slow and going deep into my emotions and in a big need of putting my self first and just take care of my own self, but I cant............................people dont understand that need so they keep selfish and they even judge.
they dont let me be and they dont care about my rehab but they give me bullshit.
i wish i could just pause the world but I cant. If i do that i will go back to bulimia side and I dont want it.
but i dont have enough confidence to say Fuck off yet so I keep bothering myself with their problems and their broken personalities. I take everything so personal and while I am torturing myself, they dont care.
people are selfish.
I think I am not expecting them to be more gentle with me because I am on a rehab, but I do expect from them to understand they have no right to mess up with my life becuase they slefish without even asking me "how is rehab going?" (i have those who know about my bulimia in mind now.)
I am a bit lost and confused,
I dont know what to think and where I am at the moment.
I am caught between recovered part of me and still ill part of me and those two worlds dont make any sense together.
I need to spend so much time to understand what is my past and what is my present.
for every little shit I have to ask myself: "hey, are you this way because there is past trying to say something or because you really feel this way?"
for every little shit.
when I wanna eat out of my feeding times I need to ask myself if I really feel like eating now or is bulimia who wants to eat.
when I get upset with my boyfriend I need to ask myself whether I am really upset or it is only my past personality in a need.
when I spend few days without makeup with baggy pants its a rad flag and I gotta ask myself: "do i really wanna just feel comfortable or i wanna cover my belly and fat as and everything that I am?"
I have NO rest.
it is on and on thing and I have to be 100% focused, concentrated and tougher so I keep myself safe otherwise bulimia finds a tiny little whole and sneak in.
and I am tired of it. so tired just wanna say Fuck it and lay down and not care.
but if i do this I lose everything I have gained so far, not only my relationship but also my Life!!
deep down I might be strong and wouldnt give up for anything but i have been staring to dead's eyes.
I have felt how close the gap and dead are!! I knew it is me who will make a decition.....try and jump over to the other side fall into that gap and not jsut finish my rehab and die.
nimam niti malo obcutka kako dalec sem ze prisla in kaj to pomeni in nevem, zakaj naj bi si podarila zivljenje. bulimija se igra z mano, saj ko pomislim na fanta, ki je moja najvecja inspiracija, in si skusam predstavljati najino skupno zivljenje in tako poiskati moc za preskok, mi bulimija grozi, da me bo fant zapustil, da na koncu tako ali tako ne bova uspela in da si samo zatiskam oci, ko mislim, da imava posebno zvezo. pravi mi, da posebne zveze ni in da slej kot prej svi pademo v zacaran krog pasivnosti, varanja in neodobravanja svojega pratnerja. seveda mi je zivljenje serviralo z vsaj petimi zgodbami o varanju v samo enem mesecu, in sprva mi ni bilo jasno zakaj mi daje toliko zgodb a sem mislim da dojela njegov namen.... lahko sem razbrala ZAKAJ se varajo, saj vsi imeli enake zgodbe in tako jasneje videla, da se moja zveza popolnoma razlikuje od njihovih.
seveda me muci, da nimam nobene garancije da bo moj fant ostal zvest.
ampak tako stojim na eni strani, popolnoma nesproscena do svoje zveze, polna strahu in dvom, obdana z zgodbami o varanju in nespostovanju, to je edini svet, ki ga poznam........prave ljubezni ne poznam........in odlociti se moram, ali bom reskirala in skocila na drugo stran prepada, kjer naj bi bojda obstajala prava, brezpogojna ljubezen ali bom ostala na tej strani, se pustila strahu in verjela, da zvestoba ne obstaja.
nisem se popolnoma odlocena, ampak cuitm, da se pocasi stvari umirjajo in se kristalizirajo in v tem trenutku vem, da bom preskocila prepad in se predala brezpogojni ljubezni, zvestemu partnerju in nesebicnemu odnosu. cutim, da lahko verjamem, da sem drugacna, in to v pozitivnem smislu, da je moj odnos z mojim fantom povsem drugacen, da najina pot ni enostavna ampak le tako poglabljava odnos in se ljubiva. cutim, da verjamem v resnicno ljubezen in da jo imam, da ne bom ostala na strani strahu. skocila bom. predala se bom. dovolj sem mocna, da verjamem, da sem konec koncev nekaj lepega in da imam bogat in iskren odnos s svojim partnerjem, ki je v tem bolanem svetu zal prava redkost.
mislim da je cas, da odvrzem oklep.
Lahko da bom prevarana in razocarana, lahko da bom prevarala in razocarala, ampak vso energijo in moc posvecava s fantom temu, da se to ne bo zgodilo. cas je, da zaupam in verjamem, da morda pa le nisem grozen clovek, ki prinasa nesreco.
tako rada bi se sprostila. tako rada bi se predala ljubezni.
tako rada bi verjela in le ljubila ter zivela. sproscen, mocno, pogumno, predano.
Zdravnica mi je zadnjic rekla, da se poslavljam od bulimije in da me caka tezko obdobje, saj je to poslavljanje bolece, predvsem za bulimijo, in da bo na vsak nacin zelela ostati z mano in da bo tudi mene preprlavil dvom, in mislim, da razumem, kaj mi je zelela povedat.
bulimija zame predstavlja varen svet.
in oklep, katerag cutim da bi rada odvrgla, je verjetno moja preteklost, moj strah in moja bulimija.
rada bi se pokazala taksna kot sem.
seveda me je strah, da bom ranjena, priznam, ampak mislim da sem ravno zacutila zeljo, potrebo in moc, da naredim naslednji korak.
Po vsaki epizodi, abstinencni krizi, se dejansko pocutim mocnejso.
Ampak tako me je strah.
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