good vs evil

I wish I slimed down for another 5kg, I wish my face was prettier, I wish I ate healthier, I wish I drunk more water, I wish I looked more attractive, I wish i spoke more languages, I wish I earned more money, i wish I traveled more, I wish I went more often for a walk, I wish I finished my children's book, i wish I read more, I wish i cleaned my apartment, I wish I undrestood peopleI wish skinny people arent called normal, they are skinny for god sake, i wish people wouldnt be that blinded, i wish world would be run by love and not stupid pop culture, I wish people werent that dumb, i wish there was music in town, I wish potato wouldnt be that hard to be peeled, I wish gas was cheaper, i wish people on the road werent that jackass, i wish I had a horse, I wish i didnt need to pay pills, I wish my plant didnt have lice, i wish I did some yoga, i wish i didnt have fat arms, I wish my apartment wouldnt get dusty that quickly, i wish stor next door werent that expensive, i wish I start my work at nine sometimes, I wish I had new bedding, I wish I was calmer, I wish I wasnt that annoyed, i wish I wouldnt care that much for every single ass that doesnt deserve my attention, I wish I could fuck off some people with fuck off words without being called rough, I wish I didnt need to strugle with bulimia, i wish I trusted more, i wish a fly would disappear infron of my face now ......................................................
oh damn it.
I wish I wasnt that whinny!!!!!!!!!!
I trully just wish I relaxed more and enjoy what I have in my life at the moment!!!!

I am so blinded and paralized by all that "i wish...." fuck it.

I am not looking bad, since not using pills and vomiting my skin is nicer and my face looks prettier, I am not chubby, I have normal shape, I look attractive and I feel good, I voice my opinion and I am more confident, I have amazing boyfriend who loves me, who tells me he loves, he is moving over for the sake of our relationship. I have everything I need. I have great job and amazing kids, i have good friends that call me up for a coffee, I am very respected woman, I am interesting and unique, tho we all are. i am not giving up and I am strong, I have everything. I follow trough with daily responsibilites, I eat normal, I shower daily, I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I pay bills, I am reliable, I am honest, I tell the truth, I am not full of shit and excuses, I am presant and I am funny. I am dealing well with bulimia and once again, I have amazing relationship and i dont need to panic.
but it is in my current nature to panic and fear everything and make my own life miserable. I am not relaxed and I am not enjoying my recovery pogress, my relationship, my life, my friends......am an ass.

I wish I felt more. I wish I felt more joy.
but i dont.
domething is stopping me. I know what that is, it is my past. all my past fears, doubts, anger, pain is stopping me from enjoying myself and mylife now.
I know that and it is stuck in my body.
my doctor always says it is time for me to start doing the homework regulary, focus on my body, on the pain in the body and stay with the body and its pain. thats the only way to get out of bulimia, she says.
I am scared so I am not doing it at home at all. I am afraid of doing if coz I know how awful it feels. it wakes up all my fears of being fat and I literally feel giantic. i feel all that fat on my feet, legs, hips, belly, chests,  neck, face. all over my body and i freak out "I dont wanna be thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fattttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! I want it to go away!!!!!!!!!!!! i want all this fat to go away!¨
then Im rubbing my legs, trying to rub fat off and crying. I dont know how to stop  myself, i can only do it with my doctor. but  if that is what is stopping me from being relaxed and fine with my NOW, than I better start working on my body asap!!

has been a month since I ve felt this anxiety.
it came to me when I was told my boyfriend cheated on me. that lady who told me that popped the bubble I used to live in all by myself, alone and where everything was just about myself.
when i realized my boyfriend did not cheat on me but her husband did cheat on her I got very much involved in that stupid story, I offered her myself and for last several weeks she was chatting with me about her problem and it opened up sooooo much questions and emotions with me that i even get upset now why i cared in a first place!?!?!?
no wshe is back together with her hubby, busy playing wife roll again and I am left upset wondering What the fuuuuuuuck is wrong with people!??!?!?!?!??!?! why people are so stupid, so blinded!?!?!
yah, most of them are without even knowing, but still.
i am not in a mood of being a nice one, understanding everyone, hell no, i feel like yelling "dude, think! you ass!!!"

but im not here to judge, with all the shit I did in my life.

I just wish I was happier and more focused on what really matters and what really makes me happy.
re-start myself and my mind.
I wish I found way to go back to basics and not freak out all over the place.

I am living two lives at the moment, the present one and the past (bulimia) one. the bulimia one is looking for shit in anything good, doubting and fearing everything that I care of, refusing everything that might be love, not understanding why and how would someone care about me and do anything for me, but on the other hand it is present me, who has her price and deserves love and respect just like everybody else, who is excited about experiancing the real love for the first time.

and those two "me" keeps fighting whichone will rule the day.
and Im just: "screw you both, mama needs some rest!"