It was a very hectic month.
The work started and it has been exhausting. I would come home at 5pm, make dinner, eat, break down, sleep. Day after day. The work itself is good, I got a pay rise and the hours I want, but there is much more work to do than ever before. I love working, but I am just a bit too busy. The dynamic this year is different. There is no room for fun stuff, and for creative teaching. All seems to be boxed up, and it is just go go go. I lost faith in myself and I have no clue how good I am. The children are progressing big time on daily bases, and I guess that means that I am doing a good job, but honestly, I think I could do it better. I lost my patience few times and I hate myself for that. But I don't know where the line is.....where is me aiming for perfection because I am unwell, and what could really be done better. I would have random breakdowns and the voices would get completely mental.....Like as mental as a year or two ago, even as mental as three years ago at the beginning of my rehab, just that this time the attack lasts shorter, but it is very mental. It happens somewhere around my eyes.... I get that strange feeling when I stop feeling my body, but I only feel the area around my eyes. I feel it for a short few seconds and then is gone.....I am gone......the reality is gone. I become a different person. I change. I live different life. I live a different truth. It is such a torture that all I can do I cry and beg it to stop. It gets so out of control that I physically cannot breathe anymore. It tunes me out and my head goes so crazy it is like I would listen to 5 different radio stations at the same time and all of them were very, very violent.
But I believe it all. And I am very mean. I am harmful and hurtful. I am not a nice person. I am mean to my husband. He sticks around, and continue supporting me, but I make him cry that mean I get.
Other times I would have, comparing to this very severe break downs, just a melt down. I torture myself for not being perfect, but I still recognize my behaving. I know it is happening and I know I need to go in my room and deal with the pain that just got woken up.
Over the past few weeks I would experience a sever mental break down once a week and a melt down like twice a week, so it has been very tiring.
Beside work, I continued torturing myself with the friend that is not a friend. I treated it as an addiction and I could keep sober for couple of weeks, but I ended up breaking down after two weeks. Then I would pick myself up and continued protecting myself for another two weeks. Everytime the thought "You are not good enough and that is why she is not prioritizing you. If only you were perfect, she would put effort in this friendship. she is perfect. She is active, organized, confident, determent, interesting etc and you are not!" everytime I noticed I am glorifying her, I would change the thought. And it works for another 10 days, then I give in. But it started mattering less to me, until I gave in last Saturday and asked if she would come over. Of course she didn't have time and so she suggested to meet in two weeks time. When I double checked if we can book that Saturday she said AGAIN that she might have family stuff going on because it is her birthday next day. I asked for another day before that and she never replied. Ever since I have been a bit too mental about it again. I cant stop the thinking about why she doesn't like me or why doesn't she put any effort into our friendship. I go on and on and on and I just don't stop. It is quite tiring. There is part of me that goes : Fuck it, like it matters. She just doesn't benefit from your friendship and that is wwhy she doesn't wanna invest into this friendship." And it actually calms me down. Other times rational thinking has no chance. ANd this is how it was for the past three days....... I kept stressing over that every living minute. Even when I thought I am not thinking about it, I did. I would be checking her facebook and trying to find a clue where did it go wrong. what changed? what happened? I would peak on Whatapp to see when was she last seen on whatsaap and she spends more time on there than me and I am pretty addicted. Everyinme I check she is there or was there just few minutes ago, and then I drift into a pain because I see how much time she spends on the phone yet she would never answer me straight away or within few days. I cry and I ache. Then, a healthy thinking strikes in again (current state) and I see the things from completely different perspective. Yesterday I realized that it all started when I realized that she just doesn't want to open up with me, and I told myself: "That's fine, there ar epeople like this that they just need a lot of time to open up and they may still not be the first starting with their personal life." so I told myself to just try and be more direct with questions and she will answer those. she never did. I would ask the direct question and she just wouldn't answer. then I realized that oh my god, we are not even friends. we cant be friends if she doesn't trust me. then I realized that if I stop texting and calling that our "friendship" will end. But I wasn't willing to do so. So I decided to postpone my action and give another chance. I gave clear signs that I want to be involved in her life and her new born baby. I asked for the pictures. I asked how the baby is. How she is. when to visit. I wrote letter to the baby. sent stuff over. invited over. I even forgot about the fact that she didn't stay at our wedding, she left after the ceremony without letting us know. She just left. and there was the place for her empty at our table. But I got back even less.
and in a mean while while I was hoping I will get a feedback, I was aching.
I spoke to her once how I feel and she assured she is fine with me. but she clearly isn't.
and I just don't give myself a permission to walk away.
but yesterday I got angry for the first time, which I suppose is a good sign, because I think like: I am tired putting an effort into this relationship without getting anything back. And should be good enough reason to let go. as soon as I felt better about it, the sick mind kicked in, and it is telling me "noooo don't let go, just go back to being the one texting and asking." but I don't want this kind of a friendship. I do have other friends that do check on me and randomly text me or call me and ask me how I am.
we probably started the friendship with different expectations and I thought we are real friends and she thought we are just useful friends and over the last year it got obvious that we cant work out and that we just aren't real friends. She changed and I am bad with changes, she has her own priorities and my friendship is not one of those. I miss her. I would lie if I said I don't miss her. But hey, she doesn't miss me. and friendship is a two way thing. I grieve and I ache, but I have to let go.
My imperfection is my pain.
Change is not my friend.
I don't know how to cope with my imperfection, and I don't know how to cope with change.
Both are the only truths in life. We are all imperfect(y perfect) and change is constant.
I am not perfect teacher, I make mistakes sometimes and my "friend" change to the point that is in a way to our friendship.
I understand this, but my ego doesn't. Ego is mean. It feeds itself with this situation and it go so big that it filled up my entire mind. but just knowing what is happening is a big relief. It feels like I will be ok, because it makes sense, because I can understand it.
I don't like being mentally unwell, because no matter how beautiful my life is (and it is beautiful big time) I get hooked with one or two things that are not perfect and let them run my life.
Its so sad and so tiring. I know you all experience the same, and the eating disorders are all about that........you could win a trip around the world and you could be loved by the prince and you can have amazing friends, but mother fucker you ate too much for your lunch so now everything is broken, life sucks and you are not worth being alive. Or a stranger on a street gave you a weird look so your good life doesn't matter any more. or, your friend is neglecting you and nothing else matters but that, it is all your fault and one day you will be perfect and then those things will not be happening.
its a bullshit.
Your split personality will always be in a way and your ego will always find something. If not this then some thing else, but you cant run away.
You have to give yourself a permission to not be good enough for some people and in some situations. You have to give yourself permission to feel unloved and not wanted and believe that we all experience that some time and it is not because you failed, it is because some people just don't feel the same way. there is no way that everyone will ever love you and that is ok, that means you are doing something right......you are not banding under someone else' criterias but you are true to yourself and in a mean while someone doesn't like you that way. that's ok.
How to shut the ego the fuck up, I don't know.
My therapist tells me to make myself feel a body, feel my breathing and say :"You keep on going, but I am bigger and stronger." and to try not actually resist to the voices, not to give them the power, instead, just redirect the attention to the body. if it gets too much and the ego simply is too strong then giving in is not a failure anyway. it just got too strong, and that is painful, you are the victim of ego's violent play, go into your body pain and let yourself feel broken and weak.
What I do, I always resist. I set up rules and I get angry and I just participate in the ego's play.
I am as stubborn as my ego is and that aint good.
I am not nice to myself even when I recognize the voices. I just don't take care of myself. I let ego punish me because I deserve it anyway. I just don't have that faith that I deserve peace and selflove.
I know most of you feel the same way.
its such bizarre thing.....its torturing me I am not normal and I live odd life, but it itself is making me not normal. I cant live normal life, and average life, I am not normal, I am not average. I have mental condition and I am over coming bulimia. I cant live normal life like the rest of the world. Neither can you! but I so badly wanna fit in, I don't let myself be different and openminded, I don't let myself recover. its such a goddamn circle. nothing makes sense.
I am different. I am recovering. I have eating disorder. I live differently. I feel differently. I think differently. I eat differently. And I should go from there.
It is ok. we all have our story. None of us fits. None of us is normal. Those that we call normal need the psychiatrist more than we.
I am broken, and that is fine.
I am recovering. I am trying.
