OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!

It was 2 years ago I believe that I heard for OCD for a very first time. It was when I hosted some couchsurfers  from Stated. We spent few days together, all the time and so it was hard to hide the habits from eachother. And so after three days one of the brothers told me: "you are  OCD just like my brother."
I was surprised, never heard such thing before so I couldnt help myself not to ask the question I always avoid:

 "What is OCD?" 

 "oh, its obsessive compulsive disorder," he replied.

"Obsessive what?" i asked again.

"you know, its when you try to do things perfectly even tho they have nothing to do with quality of your life! I mean, everytime you get an email and you see (1) you immediately need to open the inbox and get rid of the (1). I noticed that, and that is how my brother is as well,"   he explained.

my reaction was of course very self protective: "yah sure, I always open the email so I get rid of the (1) sign, and I never understood those people who let their inbox get (41) unread emails. how messy that is. I couldnt live this way, and also when I get a msg I need to open it and reply it straight away."

Since then, i havent thought of the OCD thing that much, it was just something I do and something that MUST be done, otherwise the world will collapse.
I believed OCD means your are checking your emails billion times a day just to make sure there is no number next to the word Inbox. OK, I could totally live with that.

When back at work, I have worked with a boy whos OCD overtook all the limits. He would spend 15 minutes putting his shoes on a perfect place after taking them off, and another 10 minutes to find a perfect position for the sleeve on his jacket. he would snap totally if anyone touched his finger or head by accident, if he would get a wet spot on his pants and after every 15 steps he would stretch his arms and bend his knees.
Yah, he is OCD. and I thought to myself, I am no such thing as OCD.
 EVER!!

and nowdays I think: of holy crap!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im freaking OCD to the moon and back!!!
Everytime I eat, I vomit!!
Everytime I pass the mirror or any glass that I can see myself in, I look at it and I lift my shirt up.
Everytime I see someone dieting, I binge.
Everytime someone is in a bad mood, I feel like Im responsible.
Everytime someone turns around, I feel Im ugly.
Everytime Idress up, I check myself  in mirror for another 10 times.
Everytime traffic lights turn into green, I need to leave the intersection in a same second.

Its anxiety all the time. and learning mroe about OCD  makes me understand that being OCD doesnt only mean putting things in exact order, washing hands billion times because of fearing the infection.... it means that intruder-thoughts take control over you, and you believe if you dont do the exact thing you believe you should, the world will collapse, you are a bad person and you are responsible for all the bad that happens around you.

While ago I made a confession: "I wanna be perfect!"
yes I do. and since then I learned it is not only that I wanna be perfect in a way of looking good, smelling nice, smiling attractive, walking nice, talking with a nice voice, doing interesting things, having a good job bla bla bla all those things that mean I need to become someone else (except the job part).. I have noticed I am very much trying to live perfectly on another daily bases too...for example, I set up few things in the apartment for prople who come visit, but those things actually dont fit to my personality. I have a "note board" on my wall with all the tasks I have to do, with nice printing, with special position so when anyone walks into my apartment sees the board straight away and can think: "oh she is so organized!" but the truth is, I never look at that board, it doesnt make any sense to me, if I dont write what I have to do on my hand, I never know what to do. There are also some mugs, hanging in the kitchen, so when people walk in, they see how I really like those mugs, but the truth is, I never use them I hate them. also there is lots of teas, but i dont drink tea. everything is set up! everything. and I am someone completely different from what you may think when you first see me and walk into my apartment.
I even set up my diary. First, I write my emotions down, after some time I think its too obvious how I felt, so i rip the page and re-write everything with nice small soft printing... just in a case someone comes across with my diary. sick! Looking back, even I am not able to tell how I felt on that and that day. and now, I make myself keep the first version of it, try not to rip it out. its a struggle and I write much less, but its a month now that I havent ripped the page. wip wip

fake. well I always knew am super fake, but never thought it an OCDisorder.
knowing the truth about me helps me lots to think out of the box, to let myself do imperfect things. often, I would experiment with myself and do some things on purpose , I   dare myself to do it out of my little box. it works sometimes and I see nothing bad happens if I dont follow my rick rules. world doesnt collapse, boyfriend is still with me, I havent got fired at work, I dont feel sick.... just pushin your limits softly thou, it works.
I did many things without even knowing they are part of the cognitive behavior therapy.
I remember eight months ago I dropped the purging pills and it took me a week of suffering to just produce my first fart. only god knows where the will to resist the pills came from, I dont. After a week I dared myself to do it for one more week, and so after two weeks, I was farting more at the toilet. (not a pleasant topic I know, but bulimia literally destroyed my regular, I was about to have a surgery as I didnt poo on my own for last 10 years, so farting was a huge break trough) ... my mind was screaming: "go take pills, u cant poo. u are getting fat!!!!
but I said: "I dare you, myself, to keep being fat for another week and see if you will die because of all the fat!" and after three weeks, I first time felt like pooping, tho there was no shit out for two more weeks. it took me 6 weeks to make my first, the littlest poo on my own after ages. I remember running out of the toilet and happy told my mom the big news: "I pooped!" it took me another month to get bigger poo out and it needed to be done on exactly same time after exactly same amount of breakfast, after the exactly same amount of coffee every single morning.
Now, after 8 months, my regular is normal.
Thinking back, what has to it with OCD. yah it does, I always believed if I dont empty myself with vomiting and shitting, I am a bad person, world will collapse, everyone will hate me, I will be fatter. Those thoughts were addictive, everyday was a last time. and so I sank deeper and deeper.
and again, I dont know where the will came from, but with this unknown will, I dared myself to try something different, something against my rules.
Thats the part of the CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) ... if you suffer from fear that you will die if get infected by bacterias that are in dirt, you wash your hands crazily, beyond sane sense. and the therapist will give you a task to go dirty for few days, so you face the fact that the world doesnt end if you dont wash your hands, and you dont die from the infection.

We all have intruder thoughts, but normal people are able to shush them away quite quickly, but us, sick OCDs, we make real-real drama out of it. we literally believe ther eis something bad about to happen and we are incharge for it if we dont do it the way we are suppose to do. then we are doing it until we feel its enough, which is never.

OCD and depression go hand in hand with bulimia, they are all very connected and its hard to tell which one came first, whichone is a prime disorder and what are side effects. (using my therapists words)

if only I knew those things before rehab.
Think about the perfection you are aiming for?
there so many of you emailing me telling me: "yah I feel exactly the same, I feel am fat and ugly and I feel I wanna be perfect!" think about it.
you have all the answers.
you do.
just ask yourself: "what has this feeling to do with present now, why its coming out.!?"

Here 's a quote I love the most:
"Painful things come up, 
not to ruin our lives,
not to make us miserable,
not to spoil our good time,
They come up
to be healed,
To be embraced in  compassion!"

(Book; "There is nothing wrong with you"  by Cheri Hubber)
I am highly recommending to all of you who suffer from ED!


And another quote that helps me heaps is: "WHEN FEELING LOST- MAKE SURE YOU GO BACK TO BASICS!"

yah, things like this make you move forward very very slowly, make you stop every five minutes and make you ask yourself: "what?" but its worth it.

Go deep. Dig. Root out the old, plant new plants. Heal yourself! Start now. Every day little bit.

if you are an OCD, who cares. Face it and deal with it!
if you are bulimic, thats alright,  just get help and follow trough! dont give up.
if you are depressed, fuck it, ignore the world and take care of yourself.
you come first!
and you have a power inside you to win those struggles. just remember (at least I wish someone would tell me this before rehab) : it takes enormous time and courage!!!! enormous time!!!

Good luck.


 

Top 100

Rule No 1:  Befriend yourself.
Rule No 2:  Get to know yourself.
Rule No 3: Forgive yourself.
Rule No 4: accept yourself.
Rule No 5: Respect yourself.
Rule No 6: Trust yourself.
Rule No 7: Believe in yourself.
Rule No 8: Neglect yourself.
Rule No 9: Treat yourself special.
Rule No 10: Understand yourself.
Rule No 11: Dance (with) yourself.
Rule No 12: Meditate.
Rule No 13: Feed yourself healthy.
Rule No 14: Balance yourself.
Rule No 15:  Read books.
Rule No 16: Travel.
Rule No 17: Explore the world.
Rule No 18: Explore yourself.
Rule No 19: Create yourself.
Rule No 20: Be gentle with yourself.
Rule No 21: Do art.
Rule No 22: Encourage yourself.
Rule No 23: Be patient with yourself.
Rule No 24: Dress up.
Rule No 25: Do yoga.
Rule No 26: Breath.
Rule No 27: Hug trees.
Rule No 28: Appreciate the starts.
Rule No 29: Appreciate the sun.
Rule No 30: Appreciate the moon.
Rule No 31: Love animals.
Rule No 32: Respect Nature.
Rule No 33: Educate yourself.
Rule No 34: Neglect friendships.
Rule No 35: neglect relationship.
Rule No 36: Believe.
Rule No 37: Hope.
Rule No 38: Dream.
Rule No 39: Try.
Rule No 40: dare.
Rule No 41: Fail.
Rule No 42: take yourself out for a date.
Rule No 43: Speak the truth.
Rule No 44: Keep faith high.
Rule No 45: Plant plants.
Rule No 46: Dont revenge.
Rule No 47: Be proud.
Rule No 48: Dont lie and steal.
Rule No 49: Understand your mission.
Rule No 50: Find your Faith.
Rule No 51: Work dont do the job.
Rule No 52: Dont give up.
Rule No 53: Spend time with kids.
Rule No 54: Dont Vomit.
Rule No 55: Dont binge.
Rule No 56 : Watch comedy movies.
Rule No 57: Heal your old wounds.
Rule No 58: Celebrate everyday.
Rule No 59: Believe in magic.
Rule No 60: Find your hoby.
Rule No 61. Eat guilt-free.
Rule No 62: Dont dramatize.
Rule No 63: Let yourself feel.
Rule No 64: Take your time.
Rule No 65: be brave.
Rule No 66: Face your fears.
Rule No 67: help others.
Rule No 68: Give yourself credits for good work.
Rule No 69: Rest.
Rule No 70:Free yourself.
Rule No 71: Dont hate yourself.
Rule No 72: Believe in life.
Rule No 73: Sing loud.
Rule No 74: Read positive quotes.
Rule No 75. Focus on positivity.
Rule No 76: Dont judge.
Rule No 77: Volunteer.
Rule No 78: Go to the teather.
Rule No 79: Dont spend to much time on facebook.
Rule No 80: Dont do drugs.
Rule No 81: Wake up early and go to the market saturday mornings.
Rule No 82: pay bills ontime.
Rule No 83: Dont park on non-parking zone.
Rule No 84: Fall inlove.
Rule No 85. Go to the forest.
Rule No 86:  Greet people on the street.
Rule No 87: Talk to the strangers.
Rule No 88: Sponsor the poor ones.
Rule No 89: Visit the dentist regulary.
Rule No 90: Brush your teeth often and rub your tong.
Rule No 91: Dont be ashamed to ask for help.
Rule No 92: Be flexible.
Rule No 93. Sleep lots.
Rule No 94: Listen music.
Rule No 95: Talk to the animals.
Rule No 96. keep 5 meals a day.
Rule No 97: Give yourself high price.
Rule No 98: Accept compliments.
Rule No 99: Be polite.
Rule No 100. Follow those 99 rules above.


Ps: 101. LIVE!

1 year of rehab, vol II

Ok, let me start over again:
"Yaaaay!!!! first year of rehab completed!!!! how awesome is that! am doing great!"
I dont binge any more, I dont vomit any more, I dont use purging pills anymore, I still hate myself, my body and my face tho, but apart from that, I have days when I feel god about everything, when episodes are shorter and I am more aware of what is happening to me. I talk to McJagger more dominantly and I eat well. I go out more often, I dont cancel catch ups anymore and I tell the truth. I work full time and I shower daily. I have become very patient with myself and I understand the issue of eating disorders a lot more. I keep my relationship going and I understand needs from others more. I drink coffee just once a day and I take care of my health more. I fixed my teeth and I take care of my out look. I keep quite about personal things more but I share my story whenever possible. I am not ashamed of myself all the time, there are moments, when I nicely stand up for myself. I walk every day. I am still very much afraid of trusting and dealing with jealousy but I am handling anger well. compliments still bring me down as I believe they are just making fun of me but I believe my boyfriend finds me beautiful. I very much go 5 steps backwords when visiting my parents, but I have learned to recognize the fall-back. I dont let myself feel much and I dont cry often and I stil dont know how to handle it, but thanks lord I have my boyfriend that makes me open up easily. I had lot of numb days in a past year and I learned I hate those moments. My depression episodes are way shorten than they used to be. I laugh more but I fear alot. I am afraid of giving myself to someone, I might get hurt. I learned heaps about myself, I can be very arrogant but always feel guilty about it later. I am afraid what life witl bring next, what comes after recovery? I got this big desire of publishing a book,dedicate it to my boyfriend. I want people to know that bulimia sux big time and living everyday believing you are only worth to die is a shitty thing to do on a daily bases. I am still dealing with accepting my face and body and all the things I do but I have learned that I am my worse enemy to myself. It still seems to be a  fantasy to understand the fact that I am on the earth at the moment with this shape of body and soul for a huge reason. but I have learned nothing makes you happy if you are not in a peace with yourown self. slimming down doesnt bring happiness.

What is coming up next, after recovery?

1 year of rehab.

Its my 1 full year of rehab. yay what a joy, lets celebrate it.
with tears.
sure. why not.

in a year i actually grew a lot as a person and I am understanding more of eating disorders issue now, but still very much struggling.

Today, on my anniversary I have missed my binging/purging so bad.
wished my stomach wasnt as small as it is so I could binge and more than anything I want to purge. take that devil outside. just one fucking purge.
im waiting for my boyfriend to call me, i am living for that moment. if he doesnt get the internet soon, I ll freak out.

yah i shoud control feelings by now but am feeling upset.

am at this point now when stopped and thought: "what a waste of life! shame on me!"

I dont knw why am actually whining now, when ED, you always have a reason to whine. even if all is good, you can always feel fat and ugly. always.

i have become an expert in looking for reasons to create drama. its unbelievable. I used to be ful of hope, now I believe that every single word anyone says or any single thing anyone does it is against me.
how good have I become with thinking that way.
I stay alive only for one reason: to torture myself. fuck off.

I thought of where all those fears are coming from and after a long time i thought of my long lost friend,
she was topshit for me, never even thought she wont be part of my life, but now I live my life without her. if only i could be angry or upset with her, but i cant.
its only me with this feeling.
but as I put all the hopes in our friendship, without protecting myself and as she is gone now, I live every moment fearing the reality: anyone can leave you any time!
I thought I am over our friendship, but more the days pass by, more i see I certainly have lots to get over with and let go. and as long as i dont do it, i will have this fear. I need to talk to myself.

oh anyways, it is my first anniversary ad am drinking champagne alone. how sad.

I better make a list of my benefits in past year.

+:
I kept relationship going. 
I got meals routine, eating 5 times a day.
I got my regular going.
I got promoted at work
I went out few times.
I met friends more often.
I was more honest, spoke more truth.
I moved to new apartment.
I dress nicer.
I shower daily.
I fixed my teeth.
I didnt quit with antidepressant pills
I started horse riding.
I meditated several times.
I quit the purging pills.
I quit all the purging supplies.
I didnt vomit more than 15 times.
I faced the truth about myself.
I gave more space to my boyfriend.
I got rid of the debs.
I made quite good impression on new people.
I survived few days with my boyfriends parents, alone.
I made few good friends and hosted some of them.
I didnt cancel things.
I tried hard to forgive myself (not there yet).
I tried hard to forgive my parents (not there yet).
I built some of the confidence.
I did more arts.
I never skipped my therapy from no reason.
I put oil in my car.
I did lots of volunteering.
I took care of my african son.
I did sky diving.
I walked nacked infrot of my boyfriend.
I wore short dress.
I colored my hair.
I danced.
I posted round 90 posts on my blog.
I read few books.
I answered the phone much more often.
I did a lot of daily walking.
I cleaned up my facebook.
I kept 100g chocolate for 3 days.
I got less of perfectionist.
I shared my story.


And what have I learned?

I have learned that rehab is fucking billion hard!!!!!!
I have learned all the answers are carried by our own selves.
I have learned I can be funny sometimes and likable.
I have learned I am good with kids.
I have learned I can be a good girlfriend.
I have learned I am super jealous and bitchy.
I have learned family is not addressed by blood.
I have learned people are garbage.
I have learned losing weight doesn't make you happy.
I have learned world is all skinny.
I have learned music cures.
I have learned I am capable of doing many things.
I have learned trust is hard to earn.
I have learned bulimia is not about sandwich.
I have learned to question twice before believe.
I have learned people will hurt you no matter what.
I have learned when you really need someones hand, there is no-one there at that moment.
I have learned binging doesnt solve any emotional problems.
I have learned purging doesnt work with losing weight.
I have learned people have no clue about eating disorders.
I have learned EDs are much more fucked up problem than you could ever imagine.
I have learned writing blog helps.
I have learned love sets me free.
I have learned there 's no such thing childs laugh could not cure.
I have learned: it is you who do all the work if wanna be free!!!
I have also learned: bulimia cannot be beaten without a professional help.
I have learned 5 meals a day solve huge amount of problem.
I have learned rehab is expensive.

peace out.

The day I have been waiting for..

"good morning beautiful!"  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHUxogmXob4
was the first thing I heard this morning.

Ok, not ture. first thing I heard was: "oh buggers!!! let me sleeeeep. three hours not enogh!!" thats what my head screamed. but I coulnt wait to get up actually because there was my boyfriend waiting for me online.
Before any word, when I made it online, there was mentioned-above song playing! it was my angel who set it up for me. i ran into tears and couldnt hide the happiness that took control over my body, mind and soul in that moment. the happiness was screaming: i got it, i got it. my dreams came true. my boyfriend loves me!

That song and the most beautiful smile one can imagine welcomed me into today.
so emotional and so beautiful and so special and so pure and so real and so strong and so cried.
I felt the most amazing, beautiful and special woman under the sun!!

had beautiful talk with him, made me feel even more special but at 8, I was ready to leave for a work for a first day after a summer break. I got new position and am full time teacher now and I was very nervous about seeing all the other teachers this morning. but my mind didnt sabotage me, so I walked into the staff room, where most of the teachers were already there. such a welcome I got, so many hugs and compliments on my look. they all gave a notice that I lost some weight and for the first time in my life i think that wasnt a reason for my feel-good. More important was that they all came talk to me and gave me those hugs. I felt amazing. In all that crowd, and ofcourse by looking the familiar faces, I missed some of the new teachers and one of them approached me and with gentle voice asked: "do you remember me?" 
oh my, my chin dropped. it was one of the teachers we worked together in a same school three years ago, then we both left. I thought of her so often that I couldnt believe she was actually there.
I was so happy to see her, we hugged and just couldnt hide the happiness of re-bonding again.
She asked me if I still work with the same purpose and then she said: "yah I have heard you are doing an amazingly good work!"  oh wow, I blushed but in a same time, I felt good, actually. that doesnt happen that often.
I felt so comfortable and all of a sudden, there was no sign of fear of non-acceptance. 
when the teachers meeting started, and first emotions settled down a little bit, I experienced such ego-trip I cant  even tell. I felt amazing.
I felt so loved by my boyfriend, so so much, to the moon and back, and I felt so warm in that staff room I wish this feeling would last forever. I felt like I finally belong somewhere, I finally know why i was born and believe in it, and I finally feel good about myself.

as day went on, i kept feeling comfortable in my own skin and had such hope and peace all over my body.
every minute I had off I thought of my boyfriend, kept sanding him my warm thoughts and I wished he could see me in taht comfortable mode. I bet I didnt look shitty.
I ate lunch with everyone, I ate normal amount of food, I actually ate pasta and didnt feel any sick. after meeting, there was a classroom-decoration time and I bonded so well with teachers, we did some good work and my opinion mattered. They were talking to me all the time and I had my value. I had my place inthere. amazing. after some time, it was a cake time to the honor of my boss' birthday. I didnt hesitate and ate the cake with joy.

at three I left because I needed to meet the boy who is my responsibility and he made me cry for the second time that day.... happy crying ofcourse.
He couldnt wait for me to come so when he saw me he literally ran to me and hugged me strong. he couldnt stop laughing and I have never seen him that happy. just because I came??
and this is the boy with strong special needs, he doesnt hug anyone, occasionally he does his mom, papa never and me. dont tell me I am not special!!! :)

again, for the third time this day I felt amazing about being myself!

was 7 when I finished my work for today and made it home 730, full of beautiful feelings. I called my mum to tell her I am feeling great simply because I needed to tell the world that its 730pm and I am still feeling good about myself. thats over 12 hours of feeling good! wow!!!!!!!!

had shower and now I want to take care of my emotions and I would really really like to keep McJagger quiet tonight. he is actually screaming, again, pushing the weakest buttons of mine: "your boyfriend has chaged his mind!"
no he isnt, he is still asleep and last time we spoke was before his bedtime so I dont believe he made some evil plans to fuck me up during his deep night. screw you, myjagger. not today!
today is my day, the day I have been waitning for it for so long!!!

wake up: feel good.
go to the world: feel good.
do things out there: still feel good.
eat lunch: feel good.
come back home: still feel good..
have shower: still feel good.
got o bed: feeling good.

its my day.
and if today came, I am sure there will be another one like this soon.

  

Thank you, mom, for giving me life.
Thank you, Gor, for keeping me alive.
Thank you, my boyfriend, for making me live! I love you man!

se vedno bulimija

Preganjajo me strahovi. Sm se slisala s fantom, so me zacele preganjat se emocije. Filing mam, ko da skoz neki jamram. Mislm sej vem da jamram, ker se se kr vse vrti okrog tega zdravljenja, ampak lahko bi se ze mal k seb spravla. kr nevem a je sploh kj veselje u men. ful se ubadam s to zvezo, filing mam da kr vse unicujem, da nism kul punca. strah je v men, da se bo fnt premislu in me pustu. te stari strahovi udirajo na povrsje konstantno in tesko se zadrzujem. sploh ko sm tuki pr svojih. in ja, trpim ko sm tuki, res mi ni lustno, po drugi strani pa "wake the fuck up! sort out your bloody life and stop coming up here every freaking weekend. stand up on your feet, do your thing and live your own life!" zdj mi je jasno, kako moje telo funkcionira, kako moja glava funkcionira in lahko se zanesem sam nase, kul mi bo tut ce ne bom hodila na obisk k svojim vsak vikend. cs je,da se postavim absolutno na svoje noge.
ta razlika med  varnim in ne varnim okoljem je prevec ocitna, da bi jo se naprej spregledvala. cs je, da potegnem crto. nism odvisna od njih inse postavim custveno na svoje noge.
Cel dan v hisi, brez pikicie svezega zraka, to se mi vedno zgodi tuki. zapravljanje casa in energije. sploh nism ziva.

cel dan mislm na fanta in ga pogresam do neba in nazaj, sploh nevem kako bom zdrzala brez njega vs ta cs. ceprou k sm doma, je vse drugac, ga pogresam, pa sm u stanju zdilat se s tem. pa ful mam vec zaupanja in vere v naju doma. drugac ga vidm, lahko sanjam o nama, ni me strah in vrjamem, da bova kmal skupi for good, medtem ko tuki samo cakam, kdaj bova koncala. se en zelo osamljen dan. nimam nekega apetita tuki, sploh se mi ne da kuhat, ampak sam en junk food jem skoz, al nutelo al pa sladkarije.
in ja, spet se ponavljam ko stara plosca: we know all this honey, stop crying and move fucking on!!!

AMpak deep down mam dobr obcutk, obcutk mam, ko da se spuscam v eno obetavno obdobje. vesela sm, da bo kmal konc tega bebavega poletja. dont get me wrong, I had life time summer with my boyfriend, ampak poletje je meni najmanj ljub tetni cas, tko depresivn. but there is my beloved autumn coming up next wip. cutm, kako bo kmal bols z mano.

nocm vec piskat fantu o enih in istih svareh, whining isnt sexy. bols zame, da se hitro nakuleram in pokazem I can be fun. mislm sej so moje zahteve do same sebe totalno nesmislne, jst bi kr da te tezave zginejo in se skoz smejiva in zezava brez mojega stokanja in pritozevanja. edin tko se bom pocutla, da bova ostala skupi, ces, sej se zabavava in sm kul. pozabljam, da mava oba resnicna custva in da vsak dan ni dan, ko se lahko predajava smehu.  pomoje to z drugimi besedami pomeni, da bi bla ves rada s sabo "kul" ko pa z bulemicno sabo. vem da sm blizu, zacutla sm neznost bulimia-free zivljenja, vsaj mal sm, in zdj bi rada tono tega.
mal zanemarjam idejo, da sm se vedno na zdravljenju in da je se velik tega za nardit. utrujena sm. ne da se mi vec. hocm bit ok in zivet. forgive and move on!! ne da se mi veeec.
well, rehab is my priority now. vse je pogojeno s tem. s fantom se pogovarjava o poroki, otrocih in vsem lepem, once I get well!! in sovrazm bit v tej poziciji, ko so stvari v taki meri odvisne od mene. sovrazm to odgovornost in rada bi da zgine. rada bi, da to ni vec ovira. rada bi, da sva samo jst in moj fnt.
ta zveza mi pomen vec kot vse ostalo na svetu. sej me bulimija ovira tut pr sluzbi naprimer, vsak dan posebi se morm reseterat in napet vse atome moci, da se spravim v sluzbo, ker se pocutm nesposobno za to delo, ampak v isti sapi vrjamem, da sm bla poslana na zemljo zarad tega in v trenutku, ko sm v soli, zamenjam profil, sm ucitlca, necemu pripadam in cutim!!! cutim otroke in njihove potrebe, cutim ljubezn do poucevanja.. I am not numb!!!
trenutno sm sicer cist zivcna, ker se naslednji tedn zacne sola, in sm dobila novo pozicijo in vec denarja lol ampak konstantno mi glas pravi, da je to prevelik zalogaj zame, da jst tega ne bom zmogla in da sm slaba za te stvari. pol se pa spomnem, kako je ravnatelj navdusen nad mano in mame teh otrok s kerimi delam, in da oni pa ze vejo. pa se mal pomirim.
ampak s fantom ni tko lahko, ker je vedno prisotn ta obcutek strahu, in si nism u stanju rect "sej on je navdusen nad mano, sej on pa ze ve!" in po vsem tem casu sm ugotovila, da nc od tega in zarad njega. ta strah je obcutek iz preteklosti. ne vzbuja mi ga on, on je pr stvari in mi daje vse, ampak ta strah je zakoreninjen v meni. pomoje morm zato se hodt k psihiatru, ker enostavno nism ok. mi je zdravnica rekla, da bo teh preteklih strahov zdj se vec, ampak da je to proces zdravljenja. celo zivljenje sm zivela z nekimi prepricanji, vsak dan. velik ljudi me je prizadel. tesko mi je zaupat zdj, ker sm v fazi, ko odkrivam, da tut druzina ne misl vedno najbolse zate. tesko je. tesko je zivet z odprtimi ranami. boli. resno boli.
sama sebe si predstavljam ko da mam ogromne mehurje in globoke rane po celem telesu, k so se mi hudo zagnojile, zdj so mi jih ze mal scistli, in mi dal antibiotike, ampak bo trajal, da se zaceljo. in ce sm prevec z ljudmi, me lahko kdo popolnoma nehote dregne naprimer v roko, doda neki bakterij, zaustavi proces celjenja in roko mi morjo odrezat.
in vem, da ta strah izvira iz mene. i just cant relax.
vedno sm misla, da sm dobra s prebolevanjem ljudi. kurac. boli me, da sm pred letom dni zgubila najbolso prjatlco, zaupala sm jis voje zivljenje in zarad nje sm se pocutla vredu. ko sm ji povedala za bulimijo, sva se odtujili, odtujili sva se tolk, da me je zacel bolet, bolel me je tolk, da sm pisala o tem v blogu in ko se je prepoznala v objavi, se ji je snel in me je poslala u pizdo materno. nikol nism nc odgovorila, nikol nism mela nc za povedat. dobila sm velik manevrskega prostora, k ga rabm za zdravljenje. ni hudo, ampak boli golo dejstvo, da je ni vec v mojem zivljenju pa nikol niti pomisla nism, da bi se to lahko zgodil. in tega me je strah, da bi se sprostila, odmisla, da moj fnt lahko gre iz mojga lajfa, in pol SNAP!! umrem! prisezem. nebi prenesla se kake take norisnice.
enkrat nekje na poti, ko sm zgubila to prjatlco in mela prvi fajt s sostanovalko, k sva sle tut vsaka po svoje, me je vse skupi tolk bolel, da sm se odlocla, da skenslam vse, kar je povezano s plesom, ker me je prevec bolel. skenslala sm vse plesalke na fejsbuku in neki tut v real lifeu in se odlocla, da se ne oziram nazaj. im oing well tho. tko sm se lahko posvetila svojemu zdravljenju, potegnla crto s stvarmi, k so me ..... !"#$ (error, kako se v slovenscini napise: with the thing that made me feel anyhow awkward! )
ampak looking back, brez slabe vesti, brez kancka obzalovanja zaradi svojih odlocitev, nemorem ignorirat dejstva, da prekleto boli sama ideja, da sta dve osebi, k sm ju mela najraj, in k sta bli vedno moja dva idola "when i grow up, i wanna be just like them two!" ... za mene sta bli pojem popolnosti, realnosti, upanja, moci, ustvarjalnosti .................. in zdj ju ni vec.
losing them was pretty big tragedy for me ampak brez izgube verjetno nebi nikol vztrajala pr zdravljenju. nebi nikol vidla stvari, k jih vidm zdj. tko da sm ful mirna kar se njiju tice. z eno se celo vsake tolko slisva prek kakega smsa al pa skypa.
ampak, kako prebolet, ko nekoga zgubis? zivet naprej v mojem primeru ni tesko, to mi nikol ni predstavljal nekega problema, ampak kako zivet naprej z nekom drugim?
kako se znebit tega strahu pred naslednjo izgubo? kako se zascitt in kako ne gledat nazaj s tako strahoto?
Strah sploh je? s kaksno pravico nas tko sabotira?

no zdj umes so prsli moji iz morja in sm se pogovarjala z njimi. ostala sm pri njih, ker sm popoldne zaspala in se zbudila sele ob 8h, pol se mi pa ni dal vec nikamor, ceprou je bla kr konkretna vojna v glavi.
nakoncu sm se odlocla, da ostanem in grem jutri naravnost v sluzbo, in ko sm mal klepetala s mami, sm ji povedala, da sm zivcna zarad sluzbe in da me je strah, da s fantom nebi uspela. nevem niti zakaj sm ji to povedala, ampak sm. in sploh ni mogla razumet kaj ji pravm, in ko je dojela je kr oci zgubila "kaj? zakaj pa nebi? kaj pa govoris. a dej nehi. to je isto k da bi blo mene strah da nebi ustala zutri!"
en tak lep wake up call je biu. dej ne seri!!!
in se prec bols pocutm.
zdj pa komi cakam, da me moj dragi poklice, in da se mal nasmejim z njim. najraj na svetu ga mam!

vedno pravjo, da je strah do dolocene meje ok, ker nam pomaga vidt stvari se iz druge perspektive, ampak ni dobr, ce ns strah ohromi. haha kako pa poskrbet, da nas strah ne ohromi?
bit z njim? bojda je to dobr, da si vzames cs za strah in se mu mal posvetis, da vprasas kaj hoce od tebe. jst se nism v tej fazi ker me vedno posteno vrze, ko kterga od svojih custev vprasam "kaj pa bi ti rad?"  ampak ja, baje je dobro, da uzavestis svoja cutenja in jih ne ignoriras, ker prec drago placas ce si prevec pametn.
jst sicer komi cakam da bom nazaj v svojem domeku in da spet nardim domaco nalogo....se posvetim svojemu telesu in cutenjem, ker bi res rada cimprej opravla s hudicem od bulimije.

zdj ko sm v mal bolsem stanju celo bulimijo vidm kot nek blassing. velik velik mi daje to zdravljenje,stvari in spoznanja, zarad kerih bom pol dejansko srecna in mirna. vem da bom oseba, kakrsna sm vedno hotla bit in bom spostovala sebe, zivljenje, zvezo in vse zivo.

I have my blessings. I know I do. and I have my price! I know I do.
my amazing boyfriend reminds me of it every single day. he calls it beauty, talent, life within, kids maget etc.
I do have people who truly love me. I have my qualities, I have my beauty.

 Tomorrow, there is always tomorrow! and tomorrow, I am about to step a step further! yes!!

oh ena stvar k jo zdj po enem letu zdravljenja razumem in lahko pocnem obcasno je, da si glavo napolnim s pozitivnimi afirmacijami. ce sm naprimer v fazi ko sm grda sama sebi, sem pac grda neki casa, pol pa lahko se osredotocim na moje lepo stanovanje, na moj lep razgled, na mojega lepega fanta, na mojo lepo sluzbo, in pocasi zbledi negativna podoba. ne da se pol kj lepo pocutm, ne, ampak nism si vec tolk grda oziroma tut ce sm si, se s tem ne ubadam tolk. mal vec prostora je zdj za lepo v mojem zivljenju. morm se druzt z lepimi ljudmi, obiskat lepe kraje, brat lepe knjige, gledat lepe filme, nosit lepe obleke, in eventually bom misla na lepe stvari. pocasen, dougotrajen postopek in najprej sploh ne opazis, ampak kr na enkrat se zalotim, da se redno tusiram, da si vzamem cas da se oblecem, da berem ljubezenske romane in da ne gledam vec ID discovery, k mi je tut celo stalo naredu z zivljenjem.
kr na enkrat mi je bolj pomembno, da se dobro pocutim kot pa da si grem na zivce. na zivce mi gre ko si grem na zivce.

Vidm, kako se trudm razumet dogajanje v svojem telesu in v svoji glavi, trudm se s terapijami in ne odneham, ko ni najraj res odnehala. vedno je samo se ena terapija, pol pa neham.......in se po terapiji dobr pocutm, vidm kako zelo mi pomaga, in tko jih ne kenslam vec in ne iscem bednih izgovorov, da nebi sla.
rada bi bla zdrava, to je moj edini cilj. zdj se mi zdi, da nebi tolk pogresala motenj hranjenja, ce bi mi nekdo v tem trenutku dal zdravje. ceprou se vsakic ko sem na obisku pr svojih prelevim v en ogromen kos za smeti, mi sploh ni vec do naziranja. zadnjic sm opazla, ko me je neka jeza popadala in sm nardila plan, kako bom pojedla cokolado in nevem kolk roglickou, da sploh ne morem vec odpret zelodca in zbasat vse to vase. sm sicer kupla cokolado in sm kupla roglicek, ampak nism mogla vsega pojest.
to seveda velja smo za takrt, ko sm doma, na varnem.

zdj sm se spomnla na trenutke, ko se zadnje case dost dobr pocutm ko se pogledam v ogledalo zutri, ko am ravn trenuh in oblecem kavbojke 38 in so mi ful komotne....in ja, i do feel good! i do feel sexier! nemorm rect da ne. k sm vedno govorila: sam 10 kil shujsam, pa bom srecna. sam da me ne zateguje ta rit in mi ne strli trebuh cez hlace, pa bom srecna in enbom mela vec motn hranjenja.
ja, res se bols pocutm z mansimi hlacami in bol ravnim trebuhom, definitivno sm bolj sporscena in mn napadalna do svojga telesa, ampak tolk ko je momentou, ko se pocutim privlacno, tolk je momentou, ko sm se vedno najbolj ogabna, mastna in grda oseba na svetu! tkoda ja, dejansko to nc ne pomaga. ceprou bi lagala, ce bi rekla, da nism vesela, da zgublam kile. how sad. vedno sm v svoji glavi na dijetu, sicer ne ciiiiiiiiist vsako sekundo (prej ej blo dobesedno cist vsako sekundo, kar je folku tko tesko razumet, ampak moje stanovanje je blo prelepljeno z dietnimi nacrti, tabelami s kalorijami, metodami hujsanja in s plani kondicijskih treningou. obsesija!!!! obsesija!!!! ni blo minute, da se nebi sovrazla zarad koscka hrane v ustih in ni blo sekunde, ko nism zrla. ni blo sekunde, ko nism kozlala in ni blo sekunde, ko si nism pisala novih planov, kako od dons naprej nebom vec kozlala.)
ko pisem zdj to, ja, bi se mogla pocutt dobr, ker sm res ogromno napredvala, ogromno in prvic vidm kasn faking napredek sm nardila in kako sm mocna!!! cez kaj vse grem in kje na dnu sm bla. na dnu, k si sploh ne mors mislt in tut ce ti povem, nemores vrjet. na dnu, kjer je vse crno. dobesedno crno!!!
ampak je obcutek zlo neprijeten, se sprasujem: a bo kdaj, ko bom ozdravljena, prsu cs, ko bom mogla prebolet tut dejstvo, da sm mela motnje hranjeja?
ker zdj, trenutk, ko sm pogledala nazaj, mi je hudo, ko samo pomislm, kako grozno je zivet z bulimijo, in kolk ljudi ma motnje hranjenja, in so (se) v fazi, ko se jim zdravljenje slis ko znanstvena fantastika.
zalostna sm, ko pomislm na to. ampak to em spomne tut na moj osnovn namen pisnanja tega bloga................tolk sranja z motnjami hranjenja je zuni, ljudje pa si zatiskajo oci. in to me strasi. in zato pisem blog, da tistim, k ne trpijo za motnjami hranjenja odprem oci, kako faking resna odvisnost je to in da se ne zmisljujemo samo da bi ble rade suhe. NE!!! has fucking nothing to do with actual weight. nobena od ns ni debela. nobena! jst sm se ena mocnejsih bulemicark kar sm jih kdaj spoznala, pa tut jst nism debela. to ni ns problem, ns problem je globji. ns problem je problem, k ga mamo ubistvu usi, sam da v kombinaciji z naso naravo, senzibilnostjo in inteligenco (kakrsna kol pac ta je) nimamo zdravega razuma, nimamo obcutka kdaj je dost, kdaj se mormo postavt zase in si dovolt en simpl "shut the fuck up" ko nas nekdo razjezi. nimamo meje, kdaj nehat s samokritiko, nimamo meje z nobeno stvarjo, ker smo ze konkretno zastrupljeni!!! zastrupleni smo z nekimi sranjem, k ga dobimo od ljudi, k nima pet posto pojma o tem, kaj je poanta zivljenja!

in ja, drug namen mojega bloga je sporocit vsm, ki mate motnje hranjenja....you are not alone! I am here, struggling as well! But I am here, recovering as well, and if I can do it, you can too!!!

you cant beat bulimia on your won, you need help. because is not just about you, it is about so much more, about the things that you have never thought of. it is not about the sandwich and it is not about looking skinny. it is about the wrong believes and you have to get help where you re-learn EVERYTHING!!! and by everything I mean every single thing!!!!!
and theres loads of work to be done, so u better start-

Walls around

prejsnji dan sm neki pametovala kako naj se vsak zamisli nad sabo in naj koplje globje, ce res hoce najt pravo zadovoljstvo, dans pa sedim ze cel dan v hisi, wasting time and feeling empty. oh well.
Made it to my parents place yesterday eve. As soon as I walked in, I lost big piece of myself. It feels empty, it feels frightening, like all the bad thoughts were woken up. I dont actually know any more why I am still doing it. I clearly see I am not doing fine over here, but its a habit or something that keeps me coming back. parents are away thou, but here, I feel so lonely. I feel like the whole world is cold, empty and ugly. I feel like I have no-one on my side. its awful. Things dont have any value and I am totally 100% shut down. Theres no feelings, theres no smile, no teas and no real emotions. I dont recognize myself and this emptiness is killing me inside. I barely talk. have no impulse of life. dead. shut down. empty.
Went early to bed last night, had awful night, sleep was short and full of nightmares. Kept waking up every hour. literally every hour, fearful and doubtful. had crazy thoughts of finding bad news on facebook and on email, so went online, in the middle of the night, found nothing bad online and tried to fall asleep again. got up at 7am, tried badly to sleep some more but couldnt so woke up and ever since, I am just a plant in a corner.
no life.
my beloved friend got baby the other day, the best news ever. i felt how the world has changed and how everything is getting better. really felt the power of baby angel's birth. felt so fulfilled and blessed, how lucky I am to be part of that beautiful life. my life is ful of some wonderful people and I knew it! I knew I am that special one, who god prized with such angels. I did feel alot. every day I feel more. from monday trough friday, then I shut down.
today, while lazy chill down, doing nothing, feeling nothing also thinking nothing, I got the message saying: "Hi, I just want to let you know that our boys are missing you a lot. J said: "oh, she is not coming today, but I want to play with her!" you can always come to work today also, but you need a break, right? really, no pressure. Just I wanted to tell you that you are awesome!"
That was a massage from a mom whos son I work with. and since school starts next week, I have been meeting him lately and worked with him a bit, also had socializing seasons with him. his older brother joined us when playtime. This message was work message! a boy, who once was only a plant, decided I will the one who will help him get well, and thats how my love for teaching really has begun. now I have a dream job, job that I dont even call job or work, it is something that defines me and its part of me that I like. No matter how much I have been struggling with my condition, I am the lucky one who found its purpose of life on the Earth, a mission! My mission for sure is teaching. thats what is keeping me alive and making me grow on and on. That message was the biggest award one can get, and I did feel privileged. but it last only 5 minutes. than PUF, gone! emptiness came back and I filled my stomach up with some nutela, cookies and big lunch. after an hour, i received skype call from friend from africa, a guy who has just become a father to the same baby I mentioned earlier. all the african friends joind him just so they could have few words with me, telling me how much they miss me and asking me when will I be back. They already set the accommodation for me. some of them cried from being so happy to see me again and also them offered me their place just to come back. we talked about my boy, how he talks about me all the time and how proud he is to have a mom like me. oh gosh I miss him. I miss my boy the most!! the friend of mine told me again how special I am and how him and his girlfriend (the friend I mentioned int he beginning) love me. and I do believe. i know they do. it really touched me to tears, but again, it last only few minutes, then I shut down again. felt nothing. did some talking and did say out the words that have been spinning on my mind since my last visit in africa, because I think of them on daily bases!!! but there were no emotions. so pitty. I felt so sad after finishing skyping  with my friends i couldnt help myself from another huge spoon of nutela and big sandwich.
now I am still here, feeling nothing and fighting with McJagger, who is trying to bring me down no matter what it takes. fucker. he is telling me bad things about my boyfriend, again. telling me those friends from africa arent friends they were just nice to me, but that doesnt mean anything. he is torturing me and he took all the colors away. it is hard to explain how i feel when I dont feel anything, where in the same time there is so much going on. but it is something like super lazy day, not feeling your body at all, not talking at all, even if someone asks you something, you dont feel like answering, no matter how you try, theres no voice coming out. and if anyhow you get to say a words, you are definitely not keen on explaining anything. your pulse is super slow and blood pressure drops dramatically. theres no thought on tomorrow, nothing behind that wall. you build walls around you, tick ones, so they keep you cold no matter how hot outside is. I have been surviving the day with big winter hoody. you dont feel your joints and there is no smell. words dont make any selse, you cannot tell what day it is and there is no colors. the only thought every now and then is "you are aweful. they will screw you up. you are useless. you are ugly. you stink. people dont give you anything realy because you are not worth it."  sometimes I shut the thoughts down and sometimes I just feed them with few spoons of nutela and a sandwich. i need to take my dog for a walk but i dont feel like, i dont wanna go out because I feel weak and because I am too ugly to go out, people will gossip me!

It feels like I am alone against the whole world. It feels lonely!

world on a diet

The whole bloody world is on a diet. Cmon society, wake up!!! that doesnt really matter. with every lost kilo, you lose a kilo of your sense!!!!! I dont know one living female person at this moment that isnt slimming down. its so sad.
Everyone trying to fit some stupid standards, trying to be the same as everyone, suppose to be beautiful, but hey, your personality is getting ugly, you are getting empty. so focused on slimming down you forget about what really matters....kindness, niceness, politeness, uniqueness. especially the last one. you cant been unique if the same as your neighbor.
where does it lead?? have you really forgot about the real meaning of life?
yah, its very good you take care of your body, you neglect it and spoil it, not ruin the beauty of your body with bunch of junk food, and go run if that makes you feel good, yah, all this is fine, but being obsessed with being bloody skinny is not good. yah I know I am not here to judge but the world has eating disorders! obsessive dieting for a sake of fitting some standards and refusing yourself for the sake of being skinny is eating disorders!! not as bad as mine but still. cmon world. stop!!!!! we dont need skin and bones! thats ugly!! thats not sexy! we started judging people by how much they weight. we started evaluating people by their weight. if someones not skinny, is not good enough. stop that, world please, stop! there is so mcuh more that matters! please stop!
try and learn how to go deeper into yourself, there is such a treasure hidden in, much much more than a soft skin, fatty ass, cellulite... theres so much beauty. you need to look and feel it, with the perfect body it wont come out, trust me. u being on a diet means you dont love yourself, you dont respect yourself for what you are. what a shame. yah yah, you on a diet because you fat. sure u might gain some weight lately, but thats because you dont love your self, because you didnt listen up to your body when it said "its enough"
think bigger.  

domaca naloga

zadnjic na terapiji mi je zdravnica rekla, da sm zdj ze v fazi, ko se lahko zacnem soocat s svojimi cutenji v odnosu do mojega telesa. yaaaay what a great news!! am moving on!!!
well, navdusena sm se uceri spravla delat svojo domaco nalogo.
ura je bla 6 popoldan in nastimala sm si budilko ob 630. pou ure za zacetek.
ulegla sm se na postlo in si rekla "pol ure se bom posvetila svojim obcutkom v telesu!" in zaprla oci.
wow, fuck what a roller coast!!
najprej se mi je zacel nenormalno vrtet in zacela sm se grozno potit. srce mi je nabiju sto na uro. z vsakim izdihom sm cutla vec prtiska v glavi in v zelodcu. suval mi je zelodc k pr norcih.
pol se mi je vs prtisk preselu na roke v predelu med zapestjem in komolcem. ta del je biu grozno vroc, ampak umiriu se mi je zelodec. glava mi je vs cs delala, razmisljala sm o stvareh, verjetno se je bolecina hotla preusmert. pol sm iz glave sla nazaj na telo in v tistem trenutku mi je zgornji del telesa ponoru. spet mi je zacel nabijat, vroce mi je ratal, zelodc me je boleu ko da mi ga nekdo pul vn, v grlu me je stiskal da sm komi dihala, vrtel se mi je bol ko prej in vrtel se mi je ne tko v krogu, ampak tko ko da mi nekdo vijake zavija v glavo, v sunkih. nog nism cutla v tistem trenutku, ampak cez par minut se je vse skupi preselil v noge, sploh v del od kolen dol. noge sm mela mrzle in bolel so me sklepi. in pol je vse prslo nazaj v zgornji del telesa. v enem trenutku sm postala tko zivcna, da sm se zacela jokat, da tega ne morem pocet in da morm nehat. hotla sm it bruhat. ko sm hotla odpret oci, jih nism mogla, neki v glavi mi je reklo.... a dj loser, sele 5 minut je okol, ti mors zdrzat pou ure. jokala sm se in bolecina oziroma nek prtisk se je selu od zgornjega dela telesa v spodnji del telesa.
v naslednjem trenutku k sm se ga zavedala je bla ura pol stirih zutri. zaspala sm!
zbudile so me nocne more. slabo mi je blo in sillo me je na bruhanje. nism bla v stanju premaknt nog, zato sm sam zabila laptop dol in zaspala nazaj, zbudila sm se ob 930 in ni mi blo jasno kaj se je sploh zgodil. na meji, da bo dan katastrofalen, se sploh nism hotla zbudit. nism se bla prpravlena soocit s slabo energijo. telo in glava sta neki hotla od mene. prnesla sta vse strahove vn in sploh nevem kako mi je ratal, ampak sm jima rekla: "mir mi dejta, vse je ok!"
spila sm kavo in se prpravla na dan.
fuck it, moving on with my recovery is not fun at all!!!
at all!!!

100g miru.

Pojedla sm 100g cokolado tekokm stran, in tekom dneva in nisem najdebelejsa zenska na zemlji. Fanta mam 18300 stran in nism najbolj zdramatizirana bejba. V denarnici mam 400eur in za 800eur poloznic in ne razmisljam o samomoru. Ze 10 dni nism srecala skor nobenga prjatla in nism najbolj osamljeno bitje v vesolju. Ze 4 dni nism sla kakat in se mi bulimija ne oglasa brutalno. Noge mam bele in kozo suho misice nenapete in se ne sovrazim do konca.... what a marvelous day.
Misli kot so: "tega ne zmores. ne ljubi te. koncala bosta. nisi uporabna. sovrazijo te. debela si. grda si. faco mas ko retardiran konj." so dost dobr obvladane ze tri dni.
Strah se je mal polegu, lahko normalno diham in uzivam v dejstvu, da se bo kmal zacela sola in bom sla spet delat, da sm ljubljena in da ljubim, da se bom pozdravla, da bom diplomirala in da si ne bom pustila, da me kdo jebe u glavo.
Pocutm se, ko da je prslo obdobje miru, obdobje ustvarjalnosti, kreativnosti in polnosti. cutim, da custveno rastem, da sem bolj zrela in da bom premagala bulimijo.
Ceprou sta sele dva dni mirna, na podlago enga tedna drame, se ne pocutm, ko da je sam neka euforija, ampak da je neki bolj resnega med mano in zivljenjem. rada poskrbim zase zdj. celo v lekarno sm sla po kremo za hemoroide in si grela bolece jajcnike in ledvica. i have never done that before. Zadnjic, predno sm sla na obisk k svojim, sem meditirala in mantrala "I am a beautiful woman" in "I am a strong woman" in se vsaj mal zascitla, poskrbela zase.
Dans sm bla na uradu ravno v casu kosila in perfect timing sm mogla na vrsto cakat celo vecnost (not to mention I walked away before my turn..well, still have to work hard on patience) sm sla vn na klopco, vzela iz torbice svoj lunchbox in odprla frutek. tko z veseljem sm ga jedla, folk je hodu mimo in me cudno gledu - zenska s frutkom wtf - jst pa sm z dvignjeno glavo mirno jedla in vsaka zlica je prnesla novo misel: "its my feeding time and so I am finishing my frutek!" ko sm ga pokoncala in eno pest krekerjev, sm sla prevert situacijo v cakalnici in me je minil ker se nc ni premaknl in sm odkorakala vn. ko sm hodila do avta morm priznt sm bla polna sama sebe, kako sm prvic u zivljenju jedla pred folkom in mi je blo vseen kaj si bojo misll, nardila sm, kar sm mogla nardit za svoje dobr. poskrbela sm zase. bulimija vs me - 1234558565123264123520 : 1     wip wip.

po kosilcku sm sla na obisk k fantku s kerim delam v soli in prezivela z njim popoln dan. po mini sluzbici se terapija in domou. sicer skenslala jahanje because I needed to catch up with myself- pokoncala se mal cokolade, se ulegla in zacela gledat film. cheezy Dear John movie.

Boli me glava in rada bi sla spat, rada bi, da se tega dneva spomnem s pozitivnim odnosom in ga res nebi rada unicla. ko sm utrujena in zaspana, ratam tecna in bulimiji odprem vrata na stezaj. zdj naprimer mi posilja negativne signale. konstantno zadnjih 10 minut. grem sprat to negativo dol iz sebe. x

vse (bo) je vredu!